twenty five

"i'm crying on the floor, you made me hate myself." -what's your problem? , tate mcrae.

——

the silence after her words was suffocating.

misun stood there, chest rising and falling, tears trembling in her eyes. jihoon looked at her, lost, frozen, his throat tight and dry.

"what do you mean?" he finally managed, his voice barely above a whisper.

her lip quivered. "what do i mean?" she repeated, her voice cracking. "i mean— why are you back, jihoon? why are you doing all this?"

he took a slow step forward. "i just— i wanted to make things right—"

"make things right?" she laughed, a sound sharp with pain. "you left me! do you even understand what that did to me?"

"misun—"

"no, don't you dare say my name like that!" her voice broke as she pointed at him, her tears finally spilling. "you left without a word. no explanation, no goodbye— nothing. one day we were fine and the next, you were gone. gone, jihoon. i kept calling you, i kept waiting—"

he winced, his jaw tightening. "i know."

"no, you don't." she wiped her tears roughly, but they kept coming. "you have no idea what it felt like to check my phone every single night, waiting for a text that never came. to tell myself you were just busy. to defend you to everyone when i didn't even know why you left. and then realizing you weren't coming back."

her voice broke on the last word. she let out a shaky breath, trembling.

jihoon's heart felt like it was tearing itself apart inside his chest. he stepped closer, guilt flooding every word. "i was stupid," he said, his voice low, rough. "i was scared, misun. i didn't know what to do."

"then you should've talked to me!" she cried. "you should've trusted me!"

his own voice rose suddenly, raw and desperate. "i was twenty one! i had no idea how to handle any of it! it wasn't just me— it was twelve other members depending on me, an entire company watching every move i made. they told me to focus, that relationships would ruin everything, that i'd lose everything if anyone found out. and i believed them."

her face twisted in pain. "so you chose them over me."

"i didn't want to," he said, his voice breaking. "but i did. i thought it was the only way to protect everything i'd worked for. i thought it would hurt less if i disappeared instead of breaking your heart in person."

she shook her head, her tears falling freely now. "hurt less for who, jihoon? because it destroyed me. i spent years wondering what i did wrong. two years trying to move on, convincing myself you never loved me, that maybe you just got tired of me."

he took another step forward, his own eyes glistening now. "don't say that," he whispered.

"it's true," she said, voice trembling. "you made me believe i wasn't enough. you made me believe i was just something you outgrew."

he opened his mouth, but his voice cracked when he tried to speak. his vision blurred, and before he could stop himself, the tears came.

it was quiet at first—a small, shaky breath—then it broke. his shoulders trembled as he pressed his hands to his face, falling down to his knees, a sound slipping out that didn't sound like him.

misun froze. she had never seen him cry before. not once. not even when things were falling apart back then.

"i'm sorry," he choked out. "i'm so sorry, misun. i thought i was doing the right thing, but i was just... a coward."

her own tears fell harder, but she couldn't look away. watching him break like that made her chest ache, made her anger and heartbreak twist into something she couldn't name.

"are you doing all this," she whispered, voice shaking, "just to ease your guilt?"

he lifted his head, eyes red, his voice trembling. "no. i'm doing this because i never stopped thinking about you. because i still—" he stopped, swallowing hard. "because i can't live knowing i hurt you like that."

she shook her head, sobbing now. "that's not fair, jihoon. you can't just come back years later and act like we can pick up where we left off. you don't get to do that."

he nodded weakly, tears still falling. "i know. i know i don't deserve it. but i can't undo it either. i can only try to be here now."

misun turned away, covering her face with her hands, crying into her palms.

"you ruined me, jihoon!" she yelled, her hands shaking. "you ruined me! do you even get that? i was eighteen, i thought we were gonna last, i thought—" her voice faltered as she pressed a hand to her chest, as if she could hold the pain there. "i thought you loved me enough to stay."

jihoon shook his head, his tears spilling faster. "i did love you! i still do, misun! i never stopped!"

"then why didn't you fight for me?" she screamed back. "why didn't you try? you just— you just vanished, jihoon! like i meant nothing to you!"

"you weren't nothing!" he shouted, his voice cracking in the middle. "you were everything! but i was terrified! i was drowning, misun— i was trying to make everyone proud, trying not to mess up, trying to survive— and i didn't know how to handle us at the same time. i thought letting you go was the only way to protect both of us."

she shook her head violently, tears falling down her cheeks like rain. "don't you dare say it was to protect me. don't you dare. you didn't protect me, jihoon. you abandoned me. you left me to pick up the pieces while you lived your dream. you got to move on, smile for cameras, write songs, travel— and i was just there, trying to remember how to breathe without you."

he flinched, like every word was a knife. "don't say that, please—"

"why not? it's true!" she cried, her voice rising higher, louder, until it cracked again. "you broke me and you never looked back! you never texted, never called— i begged the universe for a sign that you still cared, but nothing ever came! and now you're standing here, crying, saying you're sorry like that changes anything!"

he took a shaky step toward her, his voice rough. "i wanted to call you every day. do you know how many times i wrote messages i never sent? how many songs were about you that i couldn't release? i thought if i heard your voice, i'd give everything up and run back. and i couldn't."

"you could've," she said, her tone sharp but breaking underneath. "you just didn't want to."

he let out a broken laugh—half sob, half breathless disbelief. "you think it was easy for me? i lost you too, misun. i lost the only person who ever saw me, not the idol, not the producer, just me. and i hated myself every single day for walking away. every time i was on stage, every night i couldn't sleep, it was you in my head. your voice. your face. your name."

her tears didn't stop. "then why are you here now?" she asked, her voice small, shaking. "what do you want from me? closure? forgiveness? what?"

he stared at her, chest heaving, lips trembling. "i don't know," he admitted, voice breaking. "maybe both. maybe neither. i just— i couldn't stay away anymore."

"you don't get to do that," she said again, softer this time, but her tone still sharp. "you don't get to come back when it's convenient for you. i spent years trying to hate you. i finally started healing, jihoon. i finally started feeling okay again. and then you show up, with your stupid hoodie and your jar full of memories, and you make me feel everything all over again."

her voice cracked at the end, and she covered her mouth, sobbing so hard her knees almost gave out.

jihoon moved without thinking, reaching out for her— but when his hand brushed her arm, she flinched away.

"don't," she whispered. "please, don't."

he froze, his hands trembling midair, his breath unsteady.

"i'm sorry," he whispered, his voice hollow, shaking. "i'm sorry for every night you cried because of me. for every time i made you doubt yourself. for every message you sent that i never answered. i'll never forgive myself for that, misun. never."

she looked at him then—really looked at him. his red eyes, his trembling lips, his whole body shaking like he was trying not to fall apart again.

"you already broke me once," she whispered, her tears still flowing. "i don't think i can survive it again."

the room went quiet again. their breathing was uneven, their faces wet, their hearts both wrecked and raw.

neither of them spoke for a long time. only the sound of quiet sobbing, two people breaking in the same room for different reasons.

years of silence, of pain, of what-ifs—finally spilling out.

and for the first time since 2018, they both let themselves feel everything.