ch. 42

"i will never look back."

-as if it's your last

"i-i'm sorry for intruding!"

after apologizing, san flees from the scene without sparing a thought.

eunbi looks over to yeosang, who is so confused about what just happened. "yeo, can you take care of my belongings at the lunch table? i'll be right back."

"but we have ten minutes-"

before he could finish, the girl has already escaped his grasp and rushed behind the red-black haired male.

their footsteps echo throughout the hallway as she gradually catches up to him, extending her hand to grab him. not wanting to lose him, her eyes frantically lock onto his figure. she gradually closes in the gap between them with each step she takes.

her fingers wrap around his wrist and the both of them come to a stop, their breathing resonating in the emptiness of the building. the male refuses to make eye contact while his friend stares into his back.

"san," she huffs. "what is with you these days?"

she earns no response, as she expected.

"san," she says again, but with more authority. "why haven't you been texting or calling me?"

still no response.

she sighs, scrunching her eyebrows together out of anger. "sanshine-"

"don't call me that."

taken back by his retort, she releases her grip on him and takes a step away from. "why? you love it when i call you that."

there's a moment of silence before san speaks up once more.

"i don't want to associate myself with someone who hoes around with my friends."

an invisible arrow pierces into her heart, the pain spreading through her body. her eyes become glassy and her hands ball into fists as she continues the conversation.

"what do you mean by 'someone who hoes around with my friends'?"

letting out a frustrated huff, he turns his body around to face her petite figure. "you know what i mean. first, wooyoung. now, yeosang."

and me, he adds silently.

her jaw drops.

is that what he thinks of her now?

someone who is craving for attention from boys?

she bites her bottom lip to distract her from her emotional pain.

"you're pathetic, you know that?" san spats as he releases all his pent up anger. "leeching onto other boys because of yunho. no one cares about your one-sided love, okay? i don't understand why i pitied back then."

hearing those words come from the person she trusted the most, she can feel thousands of knives stabbing her body. the gaze he held with her has no remorse or guilt either, making the pain intensify.

this sensation she is feeling is worse than finding out yunho's love for siyeon.

but then, she remembers something.

wooyoung has apologized for his actions towards her since he notices her uncomfortable body language whenever he was around her.

and there is nothing romantically happening between her and yeosang.

there is no reason for her to take in san's retorts personally when none of what he is saying is true.

"well then," she says calmly as she approaches the male. "is that what you really think of me?"

she pushes him harshly to the ground and hovers over him, tears threatening to escape. her eyes carry all the anger she has been containing ever since the day he never came for her.

"i'm sorry for 'hoeing around' because i grew up being close to boys my entire life."

a stray tear manages to stream down her cheek as she continues.

"i'm sorry for accepting wooyoung's proposal because i didn't want to embarrass him in front of the entire school.

i'm sorry for rejecting his feelings because i didn't want to lead him on.

i'm sorry for comforting yeosang because he was telling me about a traumatic experience.

i'm sorry for loving yunho because i can't control my feelings.

i'm sorry for making you pity me and my love life because i never asked.

i'm sorry for helping you back there because i was worried.

i'm sorry for always being there for you when you needed it the most because i care about you.

i'm sorry for everything i have done because i don't know what i'm doing wrong."

at this point, her emotions are dripping down her face as she attempts to regain her composure. she wipes the wet sensation with her sleeves and sniffles a little before leaning closer to san's face.

"you know," she whispers. "whenever you weren't at your best, i was always there to listen to you and cheer you up. but when it came to me, never once did i see you by my side."

"what do you mean-"

she scoffs. "don't give me that shit. you know what i'm talking about."

silence.

absolute silence.

he recalls the time in the cafeteria when eunbi slammed her fist against the table, anger fuming from her ears. she had no malicious intent to harm anyone, and when she realized what she was doing, she fled from the area.

he does not know why, but he could barely move a muscle with everything flashing before his eyes. everyone started chattering about the incident and his friends stood up to go search for the girl.

and all he did was remain in his seat.

it was for my own good, he reasons. i was trying to move on, and it was another step towards that goal.

"i waited for you in the courtyard," he hears eunbi sob. "i waited and waited, expecting you to appear by my side... but you never came."

he could not help but feel the aching pain of his heart when he listens to her, guilt gnawing from within. the love for her begins to seep back into his system and his eyes start to become glassy.

"you know how much i needed someone to be there with me?" she chokes on her tears. "to be in an embrace, to have ears listen to me, to hear sweet words of reassurance all from someone i trusted?"

i'm sorry, he wishes to say. i'm so sorry for saying those mean things to you. please forgive me.

yet he already knows the outcome of his plea, so he remains quiet.

curse his inability to control his jealousy.

for a second, eunbi notices a glint of regret appears in his eyes before it was overcame with apathy. she was hoping for him to apologize for his harsh words and mend the misunderstanding between them, but she earns no reaction whatsoever.

screw boys and their pride.

when the bell rings in the hallway, she reluctantly stands up from her crouching position and wipes her tear-stained face for one last time before she embarks her way to the cafeteria, where yeosang was holding her belongings.

every time she takes a step away from san, she silently hopes that he will suddenly run up to her and ask her for forgiveness. she silently hopes that he will grab her hand and force her to look into his sorrowful eyes. she silently hopes that they will make up with a simple 'sorry' and return to the good old days.

but as the coward he is, he does not move an inch from his spot.