ch. 39

"now i wish we would smile more."

-inner child

"jungwoo-ah, let's go play on the swings!"

"okay, aera!"

two children rush to the playground, joining the rest of the group of kids playing with one another. eunbi watches from afar on a bench with a sad smile, her mind tangled in her messy thoughts. laughter and shrieks of joy fill the emptiness of her ears as the smell of wood chips travels to her nose.

she recalls the nostalgic memories of the childhood she shared with yunho: playing tag, going down the slides, sitting on the swings, making flower crowns, doing cartwheels...

she wishes to be a child again.

to be young, wild, and free.

to live a life without worry and enjoy the little things.

to always be happy.

she remembers how as a child, she wished to grow older.

but now, she wants to turn back time.

she lets out a sigh and closes her eyes.

she is exhausted from struggling, from suffering, from living in this world. she never thought moving from busan would make her go crazy, but she took the opportunity for granted.

she should have listened to her parents and stayed back at home, a place that shelters her from reality. she could be still friends with siyeon and yunho if she wasn't determined to achieve her dreams. she could be content with her life if she didn't choose yunho's school and meet his friends.

she could be smiling at this moment if she simply stayed in busan.

at the same time, however, her time in seoul has also brought her happiness.

she moved on from her one-sided love.

she got rid of the toxic people in her life.

she found people who support her love for singing.

she made friends with people who care about her.

she became closer to her brother and her cousins.

she started to love herself a bit more than before.

once she stepped out of her hometown, she put herself in jeopardy.

yet in her mind, she was willing to take the risk to reach the city of stars.

because she was a crazy fool who dreamed.

and she still is.

i shouldn't let the little things bother me, she motivates herself. whether it's about boys or love, i shouldn't let it get the best of me.

she stands up from her seat and wanders into a secluded area of the park. the sound of leaves brushing against each other resonates in the silence as the scent of nature hovers in the air. her lips curving into a soft smile at the feeling of the wind running through her hair.

she came here for a reason: to become a singer and a better version of herself.

the brunette brings her backpack to her chest and opens the zipper, her hands scavenging into the bag to grab something. she pulls out a portable speaker and her phone, connecting the two devices together through bluetooth.

her fingers scroll along her phone screen until her eyes find the song she's been looking for. settling her things against a tree, she takes off her shoes and socks to feel the softness of the grass. she walks into the area with the beat of the music before standing still.

"thought I found a way," the artist sings. "thought I found a way, yeah."

her body starts to move on its own, like a ballerina alone on stage. her fluid movements bring the lyrics to life and the emotions within her arise to the surface.

"but you never go away

so I guess i gotta stay now."

her mind drifts from reality, only focusing on herself and the words of the song.

"oh, i hope some day i'll make it out of here

even if it takes all night or a hundred years

need a place to hide, but i can't find one near

wanna feel alive, outside i can fight my fear."

each beat of the music becomes more intense as it approaches the chorus, her moves going with the flow. when only chords play, she stands back up and her voice rings throughout the secluded area.

"isn't it lovely, all alone?

heart made of glass, my mind of stone

tear me to pieces, skin to bone

hello, welcome home."

as the song proceeds, tears slip through her eyes while the girl looks up to the sky, a smile still on her face. she watches the clouds pass by and the hues of the sky change colors as the sun sets.

"lovely" by billie eilish and khalid.

a song about accepting the negative feelings from within, because there is no escape from them.

embrace it, a voice in her head says. embrace all the anxiety, the sadness, the stress, the pain you've been through.

and she does.

she can feel the sensation of her inner turmoil wash over her, tears continuing to flow down her face.

somehow, standing all alone in nature with her troublesome emotions is comfortable. she has no one to judge her or cause problems for her, something she hasn't experienced since she moved her.

just peace and quiet.

she lets out a satisfied sigh and spreads her arms out to take in the breeze's massive hug.

it does feel lovely to be all alone.

while she appreciates her solitude in the secluded area, someone suddenly barges into the scene.

"yah, park eunbi! you are in so much trouble missy!"

she scrunches her eyebrows together when she recognizes the masculine voice calling out to her. groaning with frustration, she opens her eyes and glares at the person stomping towards her.

"park jimin, why are you here?!?"

"park jimin, why are you here?" he repeats with a mocking tone. "bullshit! you know why i'm here!"

as she grabs her belongings, she rolls her eyes at him. "uh huh. yeah sure, i totally know why you are here."

she walks off while he trails behind her, wagging his finger at her with frustration. "young lady, don't give me that attitude! i'm seven years older than you, so that means that i lived seven years longer than you and have eaten 7,455 more bowls of rice than you!"

"what does the number of rice bowls you've eaten have to do with this?!?"

"you need to respect me, god dammit!"

she scoffs loud enough so he can hear it. "okay, grandpa!"

"yah!"

hearing the male's steps become lighter, she begins to quicken her pace as she tightly holds onto her backpack for dear life. her heart beats in fear and acceleration, anticipation traveling through her body.

she definitely pissed him off.

yet with all this thrill, a smile makes its way to her lips once more.

she feels like a child again.