ch. 22

"when i'm with you, i'm in utopia."

-euphoria

"fuck!"

san slams his empty water bottle onto the wooden floor, watching the plastic object burst open and spill water everywhere. brushing his messy hair with his shaky hand, he turns to the mirror to make eye contact with his disappointing reflection. he leans his head back and lets a frustrated groan vibrate in his throat.

he doesn't know why, but he had this sickening sensation forming when everyone was texting in the group chat. although jongho constantly insulted eunbi throughout the conversation, he can sense a playful atmosphere between them. not only that, but she has given wooyoung and mingi unexpected attention with her compliments.

and that makes his blood boil.

adding to the swarm of emotions, he has been learning this dance for weeks and he continues to make mistakes during his groups rehearsals. despite the hours he invested in his individual practice, he still has his teammates constantly point his flaws out and at one point debated whether to kick him out of the performance.

waves of anger and jealousy crash into one another.

never before did he have these mixed feelings overwhelming him.

san settles himself onto the floor and cradles himself in his arms, rocking his body back and forth. when he rests his head on his knees, his black sweatpants begin soaking in his wet tears.

he hates himself.

he hates himself so much.

why is he is always like this?

why can't he be happy?

why is he even alive?

why does this insignificant person exist in this world?

just why?

he doesn't deserve to be standing on his feet right now.

he doesn't deserve this life.

he doesn't deserve anything.

he should just di-

his ringtone chimes in the quiet room.

who would be calling him in the middle of the evening?

he debates whether to answer the call until his hand subconsciously searches for the device, patting on the floor around him until he feels a rectangular object. after a few seconds of wiping his tears and taking a few deep breaths, he accepts the call without reading the name and places the phone beside his ear.

"h-hello?"

some way to hide your mental break down, he quietly curses himself.

fortunately, the person doesn't notice his wavering tone and greets him.

"hey san! how are you?"

he feels his composure collapsing piece by piece when he recognizes the voice, the voice he has been longing for at this moment.

"hello?" they say again, noticing the sniffling on the other line. "san-ah, are you okay?"

he tries to hold in his overflowing emotions by biting his bottom lip, not wanting to worry them. they have been through so much in the past few days, so why would he add his pathetic self on the weight?

but with that angelic voice of theirs, he can not help but give in and break down completely on the call.

"eunbi," he cries as the tears drip down his face once again, bringing the phone closer to his ear. "eunbi, i'm such a worthless person. i can't do anything right. i don't deserve to live."

never once has he ever exposed himself in his current situation to anyone, especially eunbi. yes, she does know about his low self-esteem and has seen him cry once because of it, but that was only a small fraction of what he's actually been enduring.

he has been so afraid to show his true self because he knows that this side of him is pathetic.

he wants to end this conversation with a press of a button, to end everything between them because he has ruined the chance between them. now, she probably thinks he is a loser not worth her time compared to her lovely yunho, the guy who is not worth her time.

but makes him worth her time?

it's over-

"sannie."

so many people have called him by that name, but no one ever made him feel this way like she did. oh, how the way she softly enunciated his name tickles the insides of his ear.

"sannie, i want you to listen to me okay?" she whispers. "can you do that for me?"

through his weeping, he manages to hum in response to let her know that she has his attention.

"my little sanshine," she begins, and his heart flutters at the sound of the new name.

her little sanshine.

"he's the most amazing person in the world," she describes. "he has these dimples that i always want to poke whenever he smiles. he's a very hardworking person when it comes to his passion for dancing."

she quietly giggles as if she has recalled a fond memory. "he may not admit it, but he can make all the girls fall in love with his handsomeness. he is a caring person and never fails to lift anyone's mood with his energetic-self."

"but most of all," she pauses for a moment before resuming. "he's strong. as the selfless person he is, he bottles all his emotions to himself. these monsters tear the insides of his mind, but he never lets them out because he doesn't want to hurt anyone. he endures all this pain and worries about others first before himself."

"for all the struggles he has been through, he deserves the world. he deserves to be happy. he deserves the life he has."

when he listens to her last words, he can feel the will to live return to him. it's a first for him to have someone tell him about his worth, and to know that someone acknowledges you the way eunbi did is a privilege.

it makes him realize how fortunate he is to have her by his side, someone who is as caring as her.

"oh shit!" she exclaims when she hears the male crying again. "i didn't mean to make you cry again!"

she groans. "man, why do i suck at things like this."

she tries to comfort him over the phone, but everything she does only causes him to break into more tears.

not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness.

eunbi is the comforting light that shines in his dark mind. to rid all his negative thoughts, all he had to do is feel her presence near him. during his toughest days, one glimpse of her smiles was all he needed to keep on going. when the world was against him, having her beside him was enough for him to fight against his struggles.

no matter what, she is always there for him when he needs her the most.

she is the cause of his euphoria.