I'm Not Okay

Gerard's P.O.V

Me and the guys carried the coffin that held Paisley's mother, to the small cemetery that was two blocks away. Frank wasn't tall enough so he wasn't even carrying it. He basically just had his hands on it. I looked over at Paisley, who was beside me, looking at the ground. I wanted to hug her and tell her that I was there for her, that she could talk to me if she needed to, I wanted to make all of her tears go away, but I didn't.

We made it to the cemetery and laid her mother into the hole that was dug there. She tried not to cry anymore. I could see all the pain that was weighing on her. She looked at me and tried to smile. I didn't know what to say to her. I smiled sympathetically. I grabbed her hand and we walked back to my place, I guess it was our place now though, as they buried her mother.

Paisley's hair was in her face and I knew she was silently crying and didn't want to show it. She was trying to be strong and didn't want anyone to worry about her. We walked in silence and eventually got there. I asked her if she wanted any coffee, but she just shook her head and went upstairs into her room.

I could hear crying when I went up to go check on her and I decided to just leave her alone.

It was days later and Paisley became distant. She didn't speak much, she barely ate, which made her become skinnier, and all she did was stay in her room all day. I was extremely worried about her. Sometimes when she went to go wash her clothes, I saw that her arms on her sweaters where her wrists were, were stained with blood. I sighed heavily. How could I help her? What could I do?

I didn't want her to live her entire life like this. I didn't know what I was suppose to do. Frank and I tried to cheer her up by starting a food fight in the cafeteria once, but it didn't work and we got detention for a couple days. Worrying about her put stress on me and I started drinking a lot more than I used to. I had a fake ID, so it was easy to get into bars and stuff because I used to use it to buy scratch off tickets to win money. I became drunk almost constantly and I knew that the guys were concerned about me. I told them not to worry. I also started doing drugs, but I could never tell anyone that. If I told the guys, they would be furious with me. I didn't want that.

More time passed and when I walked by Paisley's room, I no longer heard crying or screaming. I heard a guitar playing and her beautiful voice. I put my ear against her closed door and listened to her. Her voice was amazing. I listened to what she was singing. It was the song that she sung at the funeral. I listened to her, leaning against her door.

"I'm sorry Paisley." I whispered.

Mikey came up the stairs and looked at me.

"Gerard, what are you doing?" He asked. I tried to tell him to be quiet, but the door flew open and I fell forward on to the floor of Paisley's room.

She looked down at me.

"Sorry Paisley! I was just-" I tried to explain why I was leaning on her door and she interrupted me.

"Get up." She said. I rose to my feet and looked at her, wondering what she was going to do.

She scratched her head nervously and then she spoke.

"Can I talk to you?" She asked me.

I nodded and looked towards Mikey. He shrugged and went back downstairs.

Paisley's P.O.V

The past few weeks, I haven't been very sociable and I've been ignoring almost everyone. Even Gerard. I felt that we had grown further and further apart and it made me feel even worse than when my mother died. I knew that Gerard was worried about me and went through so much trouble to cheer me up everyday and I wanted to make it up to him. I told him to come in. I motioned for him to sit on my bed. He sat down and looked at me with a concerned face. I sat next to him and put my head on his shoulder.

"I don't know what to do." I admitted.

"I feel so empty and alone. It's like I'm trapped inside of a dark corner and no one can save me. I try to break free but there are these shadows that keep me glued to the corner and keep replaying every bad memory I've ever had, including my mom's death. I can't think, I can't sleep, I keep having nightmares and I try to be strong, but I can't help but to feel like I won't make it to the other side." I poured out everything that I've been feeling and everything that's been running through my mind. He kept listening to me.

"I'm so scared, Gerard." I cried into his shoulder and he put his arm around me.

"I know," He said,"Paisley look at me." I looked up at him.

"I will always be here for you. No matter what happens, you can always talk to me about it. I worry about you and I want to help you, but I didn't know how or what I should do. I hate seeing you so sad and depressed and it's eating at me. I want you to come to me if something's wrong and we will get through it together."

He looked me in the eyes as he said these words. I smiled up at him. Had he really said that? No one has ever said anything like that to me before. I felt another series of tears coming. These tears were different, however. These tears were happy tears. I was happy because someone was there for me. He was there for me. He told me that no matter what, he would always be there for me. There were no words to describe how happy him saying that made me feel. I hugged him tightly and he hugged me back. We stayed like that for several minutes and he kissed the top of my head. I looked at him.

He tilted my chin up and our lips met. He was gentle. His fiery touch made my heart beat faster. I put my arms around his neck. His lips were soft and comforting. We pulled apart and he kissed the tears that lingered on my cheeks and under my eyes. We lied down on my bed. I rested my head on his chest and he played with my hair. It reminded me of my mother and I felt a pang in my heart. I looked up at him and he gave me a look as if he were asking me if I was okay. I smiled to signify my answer and I slowly fell asleep. I could hear him humming while I slept. He was humming the song that I sang at the funeral. I drifted off into my own world and for the first time in weeks, I finally slept.

Gerard's P.O.V

I watched her as she slept on my chest and I played with her hair. She looked so peaceful and her eyes were swollen from shedding so many tears. I kissed her forehead. She was so beautiful and I wanted to tell her how I felt. It was only a couple more weeks until school was out for the summer. Me and the guys were talking about forming a band. We didn't have all the details yet, but we were pretty sure that we were going to do it. Paisley shifted and I put my arms around her. She snuggled up to me and I smiled at her. I didn't know what we were exactly. I intended to find out as soon as possible though. I looked down at her wrists. She wasn't wearing a sweater and I could see her cuts. They were deep and they looked painful. I traced them with my finger and the smile that showed on my face was replaced with a frown. About an hour went by and she stirred. She opened her eyes and turned her head to look up at me. I slightly smiled and my eyes drifted to her wrists. She must've realized that she wasn't wearing anything to cover them up and her eyes went wide. She started to get up but I stopped her.

"Don't worry. It's okay." I told her. She looked at me and then sighed.

"No it's not. No matter how many times someone says it, no matter how many times I want or try to believe it, it's not okay. I'm not okay." She said.

She looked like she was about to cry again. I talked to her softly.

"Hey, I didn't mean to make you feel sad. You can tell me. I'm not forcing you to, but you can if you want to. Why do you do this to yourself?" I asked. She propped herself up on her elbow and she looked like she was deep in thought. She looked at me.

"It's...complicated." She said.

I wanted to understand her and help her.

"Tell me. I can keep up." I grabbed her hand and kissed the tips of her fingers. She smiled and took a breath.

"When I was younger, I met this girl. We became best friends. I told her everything. We were in elementary school at the time and we promised we would be friends forever. We never kept secrets and I trusted her completely. So we've known each other for four years and then fifth grade comes around. We fly through fifth grade and we are moving on into middle school. On the first day if sixth grade, I was so happy to get to see her and I was hoping that we had classes together. We had two classes together. I tried to talk to her because I haven't seen her in about two months and she ignored me completely. I tried to ask her why she wasn't talking to me but she looked at me straight in the eye and told me to fuck off. She was my best friend. She knew everything about me.

She helped me through everything and I couldn't believe what I just heard. We never cursed or anything and she always said that she never would." She paused, but kept going. I listened to her, not interrupting or taking my eyes off of her.

"So she started becoming friends with other people. She started dressing differently. She wore smaller amounts of clothing, were you could see more if her skin and she got piercings on her belly button and her nose and she cut her hair shorter. Then, she started bullying me. She would stab me with pencils, throw things at me, call me names, trip me, hit me, beat me and the worst part was that her friends encouraged her along with everyone else. Half of the kids in sixth grade bullied me brutally. I became a target for everyone. I was humiliated, people followed me after school and hurt me and I never felt so alone in my life. Then, as I got older, things got worse. In eighth grade, I actually got raped. A group of boys followed me to the school bathroom and they touched me. I told them to stop, but they never did and so, they raped me. Lucky for me, I was one of the very few victims that didn't become pregnant. It was horrible. You can't possibly imagine. I never even told anyone because I was too afraid. So I started cutting and when I started cutting myself, I didn't pay attention to what happened because I was too busy worrying about the pain on my wrists. However, it will never go away. The memories will always be there and the pain I endured will always show in my eyes." She finished and was crying again. I held her and rocked her back and forth in my lap. I stroked her hair. She looked up at me and I could see how much it hurt her to tell me about everything that happened to her. I could only try to understand what she went through. She was a lot stronger than I ever thought she could be. To go through everything that she's been through and still manage to stay alive? She was incredible.

"Shhh...I'll make everything okay. I promise." I promised her that she would be okay and that I would help her through it.

"The worst part is, I don't even know why she did it. Just all of a sudden turned her back on me and changed." She said. I looked down at her and hugged her tightly, not wanting to let her go. More tears flowed down her face and I shushed her.

Paisley's P.O.V

He held me in his arms and I was sitting in his lap as he made me feel better. He made me so happy. The fact that he wanted to understand and was trying his best to understand what I went through, warmed my heart. He was perfect. I actually trusted him. I haven't trusted anyone besides my mom since fifth grade, but I trusted him. He hugged me and I hugged him back. He was so warm and gentle. I started to think that maybe I had feelings for him. Maybe I liked him more than a friend. It was strange. I've known him for four months, yet I felt as if I've known him my entire life. I felt him kiss my head and I looked up at him and smiled. His messy black hair covered his eyes a little, his hazel-greenish eyes looked so beautiful and his face was flawless. He smiled back at me. I wanted to kiss him again, but I didn't know if he'd be okay with it or not. I turned around and continued to sit in his lap. A while later, he turned me towards him.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

I wasn't sure, so I shrugged my shoulders.

He brought my wrist up to his lips and kissed every single one if my scars.

"Please don't do this anymore. If you want to talk, come to me, if you need to cry, cry to me, if you ever have a problem or need anything at all, just come see me, talk to me."

I nodded at him and said,"I'll try to stop, for you. I promise I'll come to you if I ever need anything." He smiled at me. That smiled that drove me crazy. That smile that made me think he was the most adorable thing in the world when we first met at the coffee shop.

He brought his hand toward my face and traced my lips. Then, he put his hand on the side of my face. We kissed. His lips were still so soft and made my body go hot. I deepened the kiss and he put his arms around my waist and pulled me closer. We were both on our knees, on my bed. He started to take off my shirt, but I stopped him.

"Don't." I said.

He smiled at me.

"I understand." He said.

I smiled and he pecked me on the lips.

He grabbed my hand.

"C'mon I'm making you eat something. You haven't been eating much." I followed him as he led me downstairs.

A few days passed and I was getting better. However, I was a little worried about Gerard. He didn't seem himself lately and I was wondering if there was something I missed all that time that I was shut up in my room. I wanted to confront him about it, but decided not to.