22

(Bucky POV) 

"I wanted him to hurt," I admit regretfully. "And I wanted to be the one to hurt him. I wanted to kill him! For what he did to the shield, what he did to Sam, what he did to me... I want to kill John Walker."

Dr. Raynor shifts slightly in her seat, probably holding back from grabbing the notebook. I told her I didn't want any of this on record, and she's been respecting that.

"That's a very serious thing to admit, James," she sighs. "And you're sure it's not just.. regular anger?" 

She's trying to find a way to not connect this to the Winter Soldier, for my sake. But I promised her honesty this time around.

I inhale deeply, then proceed to tell her what Sam and I promised we wouldn't tell anyone.

"When I was on that mission with Sam, we went somewhere called Madripoor. I had to pretend that I was... him again." 

"And by 'him,' you mean..?" 

"You know exactly what I mean," I snap before getting back to my point. "It was so easy to fall back into that. I hurt people. And Steve says I've been having these moments where I'm just not all there... And I'm scared that I'll accidentally hurt someone during one of those moments."

She leans back in a relaxed sort of manner, her reaction to all of this nothing like how I imagined it. I figured she would assume the worst and notify whatever boss she works under so that I could be taken away and declared a danger to society, which is why I was afraid of telling her in the first place. The only reason I'm even telling her these things is because I don't want to hurt people, and she would know best how to prevent that. 

"I think you should stay with Steve even after you've finished recovering." She holds up a hand to silence me when I start to disagree. "I know it didn't quite work out last time, but that's exactly why I say this. Not that it necessarily will, but if anything of that sort we're to happen, Steve is a perfect match for you. Wasn't that the purpose of HYDRA creating you? To make a soldier that can fight Captain America?" I nod shortly and she continues. "So if anything we're to happen, Steve would be able to keep you in check. And if something goes wrong like it did last time, just hit him back." 

I grimace at the idea of hitting Steve for any reason. I couldn't even do that when he was the attacker, rather than the Winter Soldier being the attacker. If I'm remembering properly, the last time I ever hit him was right before I discovered I had free will on that helicarrier. 

"I don't think Steve wants me sticking around that long," I say in a light tone to give off the impression that I'm joking. "I'm annoying." 

"Please," she scoffs, reaching toward one of her precious notebooks- not mine, I notice and glance toward the clock, which reveals that our session is just about over. "The man's so lovesick he can't even tie his own shoelaces." 

Whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.

~~~~ 

(Steve POV) 

I pull into the parking lot just as Bucky exits the building. While he was seeing Dr. Raynor, I was out running an errand.

"How was it?" I ask as he gets in the car, remembering that last week's session left him in a sour mood all day.

"Fine." He pulls the seatbelt across his body and secures it into the clasp. "She wants me to keep living with you, even after I'm cleared to live on my own." 

"Really?" I all but scream. Too happy, Rogers, tone it down. "I mean, um, yeah that'd be fine. More than fine, actually, it'd be great! I would like that." 

"Okay." He throws a quick glance down at my shoes, for some reason. 

"Why does she want you to keep living with me?" I ask, then realize that might be taken the wrong way, so I clarify, "I do want you to! In fact, I was planning on asking if you wanted to. I'm just wondering what made her say it." 

"Just in case I get violent during one of those times I don't remember." 

"Well, that's silly," I assure him, starting the car and sailing out of the empty parking lot. "You don't do anything, you kind of just sit there."

And it's true. I've been keeping a close eye on him, like Dr. Raynor asked me to, and really all he does is zone out. I've been trying to figure out what triggers it so I can try to stop it, but I don't notice it's happening until it doesn't matter anymore. 

He heaves a sad sort of sigh and says again, "Just in case." 

I pat his thigh in a way that I hope is calming and reassuring, but ultimately doesn't garner a response. 

"I want to apologize," I abruptly change the subject as the air around our conversation goes stagnant, "for springing that on you the other night. It was-"

"Springing what on me?" he asks tiredly.

"Last week, when I had that nightmare and I told you I loved you," I explain. "It put you on the spot, and since we're still getting to a good place in our friendship, that definitely wasn't the time to be comfortable with saying that-"

"It's fine, Stevie. You didn't put me on the spot or anything, and you may remember, I did say it back. Besides, I've loved you since we were little. There's not much that could change that."

"If you say so." 

(Sitting here, repeatedly promising you that the stucky ship will sail in just a few more chapters and continuing to not deliver. I promise it'll happen.)