Chapter 43

"Where's Bronx?" Pete repeated and his voice rose a few pitches higher. "I-I don't know" I stuttered and Pete ran out of the shop, I followed him as fast as I could. Running with flat shoes was actually a lot easier. "He can't have gone far, wait, maybe he just went to the bathroom" I said. Pete turned on the spot and his face was pale, he ran back inside the shop and I could hear him cursing under his breath. I waited outside for a few seconds but when Pete came back out, he looked even worse. "He's not in there, he's not anywhere, nobody in there saw him, just one lady who said she saw him going outside but didn't think anything of it because she thought it was fine with us. Who thinks that?"

He was getting more and more upset now and I wanted to calm him down but there was no way he would calm down until we found Bronx. "If he left, why would he do that?" I asked. Pete shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know, I have no idea, maybe he got tired of us arguging? But he never did that with me and Ash..." "He was younger, we should've focused on him and not argued, shit..." "We have to look for him" Pete said and jogged out of the alley and into the street. I followed him. "What would he do? Where would he go?" I asked. "I don't know, he could go to Ash's, I think he knows more about the city that we can tell." "Then call her!" "No way, if he's there, she's gonna call me to give out to me for losing him so if she isn't calling me, he isn't there and she doesn't need to know, she'd take me to court and take away all rights to see him from me, I can't risk that." I sighed, looking around. "Would he walk? Take a bus? Where else could he go?" Pete shook his head in desperation, getting more and more tense. "I don't know, I have no idea, I'm starting to feel like I don't know my own son, Ash would know where he went, she would take two seconds to find him only..." I inhaled deeply. "Maybe he went back to the house? Shouldn't we just drive the way to the house, see if he's there or on the way somewhere?" I suggested. Pete bit his lip, looking left and right of the street, unable to keep still. I wanted to keep calm so at least one of us was but I could not keep myself from getting nervous either, my palms were sweaty and my heartbeat was definitely not normal. We had just lost Bronx. "What if he took the bus?" "He hasn't got any money on him, does he?" I asked. "Yeah but any bus driver would just let him get on." "Or ask what he's doing there alone?" "I just don't know where to start looking for him, where could we go?" "Let's just drive down the way to the house and then if he's not anywhere there, I'm afraid we have to ask Ashlee because she will know if he's not there yet. And she can call his friends' parents, you know we have to tell her if we don't find him. His safety goes beyond risking you might lose custody." His breathing was shallow but he nodded. I could see tears forming in his eyes but he didn't blink so they wouldn't spill.

We got into the car and Pete drove down the way that was also the smartest to use while walking but Bronx was nowhere there. We got into the house and Pete called for him, looking everywhere downstairs while I went through all the rooms upstairs but he was not there. The less chances we had of finding him, the more nervous I was getting too. When I met Pete down by the door again, he was actually crying and then said out loud what we were both thinking. "What if he was kidnapped?" I shook my head instantly. "No, he wasn't" I replied. "We don't know that, if he was wandering through the streets all by himself, who knows what happened?!" I shook my head. "No, no, don't think like that, we'll go by Ashlee's and she'll help us and then we'll go the police." "Oh my god, what if that goes out to the press? I'll be done. But that doesn't matter right now, let's go to Ash's, alright?" he asked, fully stressed. "Hey" I said and made him turn back around to me. I cupped his face up into my hands and kissed him for just a second, then locked his eyes. "Don't think about what could've happened, focus on finding him, okay?" I said and he nodded slowly, taking a deep breath.

"Go back to the ice-cream place and drive to Ash's from there, we could catch him on the way, couldn't we?" I suggested when we had gotten back in the car. Pete nodded and did as I said. His hands on the wheel were clenching and he was gritting his teeth and I was wishing I could do something, I was so worried, what if something had actually happened to Bronx? It couldn't have, right? He was smart but at the same time, he was a child. And this kind of stuff happened a lot. But why had he left? I felt awful if our arguing had been the reason, I felt awful anyway for losing him. I just wanted to hug him so everything would be okay again. What kind of consequences would it have if we wouldn't find him?

"Charlie?" I looked at him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "Yeah?" "How am I going to take care of another baby if I can't even deal with you and Bronx at the same time?" "No, don't do this to me now, don't doubt your parenting abilties now. You cannot be the only one this has happened to and it doesn't mean you're a bad father. Believe me." He shook his head. "My mum lost me once and I turned out fine" I said. She had only lost me for a few minutes but I just wanted him to not beat himself up. The situation was bad enough. "Then how else do you define a bad father?" "Pete, you're not one and that's enough. And it wasn't your fault either." "Whose then?" "You and me, talking, not paying attention to him and this is not ever going to happen again and if you explain that to Ashlee, she might understand you." Pete scoffed. "No, she won't understand me." I bit my lip and tears came from my eyes. "I'm sorry" I cried. "I shouldn't have distracted you, I shouldn't have made such a fuss." "It's not your fault, Charlie, he's my responsibility, not yours." He took my hand between the seats and took the last turn before we stopped in front of Ashlee's house.

We jumped out of the car and almost sprinted to the door. Pete rang the doorbell what felt like fifty times and then Ash opened. "What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Pete?" she asked. Pete stared at her for a second, then he understood and his face was so relieved that it relaxed me too. Everything was going to be fine! "So he's here?!" he exclaimed and tried to get past Ashlee and into the house. She stopped him with her flat hand against his chest. "Let me stop you right there." He looked at her and I knew he was bracing himself for what she was about to tell him. It was usually worse enough when she had no reason to talk him down because of Bronx but now that she had a reason, I didn't want her to talk to Pete that way, he already felt bad enough already, he knew what he had done wrong and that he had made a mistake, he didn't need Ashlee to tell him and wrap it up in an extra package of insults.

Before she opened her mouth, I heard myself speak. "It was my fault" I said quickly, staring her dead in the eye. She raised her eyebrows and stared back at me in disbelief. "Excuse me?" "It was my fault and I'm really sorry but it's not at all Pete's fault." "And I'm supposed to believe that? The way you're always defending him and you two are always teaming up against everybody else, I don't believe a word of it." "Where's Bronx?" Pete interrupted. "Evan's inside with him." Pete took a deep breath, nodding slowly. "Really, Ashlee, it was my fault. Pete was at the register and I was supposed to look after Bronx but I didn't so don't blame Pete, blame me." She shook her head. "I never know what to believe with you two." She was mad, really mad, I could tell and if I had been in her place, I would've been mad too but I didn't want her to talk down to Pete again. "I swear it was me, why else would I risk you hating me if I wasn't telling the truth?" "To protect Pete?" "Come on, you know he loves Bronx and he tries his best, you need to give him a chance, don't blame it on him, it was all me, yell at me all you want, I deserve it." I could take it, Ashlee didn't bother me. She was completely stunned which made a bit of her anger fade because she had probably prepared herself to yell at Pete who standing next to me, silent, balancing his weight from one food to the other alternately, anxious to see Bronx and nothing else. Ashlee noticed too when I did and stepped aside so he could go in.

"I'm really sorry, I don't know how you feel but I can imagine. I should've looked after him better, I know it doesn't make you trust me any more. But you know, I love Bronx and it's been great to spend time with him to prepare for my own baby. I'm so sorry." She took a deep breath, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "What I don't understand is how you just lose my son in a public shop." "Pete was paying and I talked to him and turned my back to Bronx and I don't know..." She gasped. "I don't want you around him by yourself anymore, is that clear?" she said in a stern voice and I nodded immediately. "Completely understood, I can't blame you." "I hope you're not the same with your own child, I don't even know what to say, I'm ... speechless" she said, clearly torn between being angry and just relieved. "Yeah, I get it. I'll just ... can I speak to Bronx for just a moment? I want to apologize." I asked because I wanted to tell him I was sorry, it hadn't been entirely my fault but I still felt responsible. Ashlee thought about it for a second. "A moment" she said and disappeared into the house.

Pete returned with Bronx shortly after. "He's staying here but Ash said you wanted to talk to him." "Yeah" I said slowly and knelt down in front of Bronx. "Listen, buddy, I'm really sorry that me and your dad kept arguing, is that why you left?" He nodded slowly, pouting a little. "I didn't want to be in the way." "Oh, you're never in the way, sweetie! We were worried sick for you though, I'd rather have you scream at us to stop arguing than making your dad and me go through that." He nodded. "Yeah, I shouldn't have just left, I'm sorry." I shook my head. "No, no, this is not your fault, I'm sorry and your dad's sorry too, right?" Pete nodded and moved down to Bronx as well. "Let your mom calm down a little and I'll pick you up next weekend, okay?" Bronx nodded. "I'll try to calm her down" he said with a smirk. "I promise we won't argue anymore" I said and messed up his hair. He smiled. "Okay."

We drove home and Pete was silent the whole way back. When he stopped in the driveway, I turned to him and took his hand. "Everything's fine, just go with the flow and we'll forget this ever happened. It's not going to happen again, don't worry" I said. What had probably been building up since Bronx had disappeared now came out all at once. His eyes filled with tears and he looked at me. "Charlie, I'm so scared. I'm not supposed to be like that, I'm supposed to be responsible and I didn't even stand up for myself! Thank you for taking the blame but..." "Hey! It wouldn't have done anybody any good if you would not get to see Bronx anymore! You and me know this won't happen again, not with Bronx and not with our baby" I said, glancing down at my belly.

He shook his head, wiping his tears away and taking a deep breath, trying to calm down but it didn't work. "Charlie, I just..." he choked out and turned pale again, starting to shake. He fumbled with his seat belt and I undid it for him. "Are you okay?" I asked. His breathing became shallow. I jumped out of the car and walked around it, opening the door on his side. "Come on, let's get inside" I said and helped him out of the car, locking it and then leading him towards the front door. I opened it and sat him down on the couch in the living room. "Can I get you anything?" I was starting to panic because honestly, he looked like he was having sort of a panic attack. "Charlie, I..." he stuttered and I sat down next to him, stroking his hair. "What is it?" I asked. "Can I get a glass of water?" I nodded and hurried into the kitchen. While I poured the water into the glass, I spotted something on the table, I picked up the little box and came back into the living room quickly. "You didn't take your pills, did you?" I asked, afraid of the answer and he gasped. "Fuck, yeah, I didn't because of the whole thing with Bronx, shit..." He was struggling for words and he was fidgeting, breathing quickly and I had only experienced somebody having a panic attack one time but I didn't know what he was like when something like this happened because not only did he have a kind of anxiety, he also struggled with a bipolar disorder and I didn't know how to deal with that or how that acted with a panic attack, I didn't know how to comfort him but at the same time, I wanted him to know that I could take care of him and that he didn't need anybody else, that I could do it even though I had no idea what it felt like. Gabe would know but I knew that if I wanted to stay with Pete forever, I needed to know what to do as well.

"What do you need?" I asked and he took the pills, without saying a word, trying to not breathe so heavily so I just wrapped my arms around him and stroked his hair, telling him that everything was fine and that everything would be okay. "Is there anything else I can do?" I whispered and he shook his head. "I just have to wait for the ... medication to kick in, I..." he babbled, it sounded like something causing him pain was keeping him from properly speaking. It hurt to see him like that but I knew I had to keep it together for him. He finished the water and I brought him a new bottle and he kept talking about random things but he had once told me to not react to that because it would only make him more anxious. I didn't even want to imagine what kind of war was going on in his head right now. "Just, just talk to me, I feel like I'm ... falling, like I'm in another ... world, just keep me here, I feel like I'm losing..." I undestood it, I remembered Kate having the same thing once so I stroked his arm, telling him I was here and that he was at home and that nothing would happen to him.

It happened slowly but he eventually calmed down more and more until he was only breathing it out. He looked up at me after a while of me just sitting there with my arm around him and playing with his hair.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that" he mumbled and hid his face at my neck. I kissed the top of his head. "Hey, don't worry." "I'm such a fail" he said. "It's like Ashlee always says, I'm a terrible dad, I'm not good at anything. I'm not a good dad, I'm not a good boyfriend or husband or ex-husband, I'm just ... a failure." I gently pulled him back by his hair to look at him. "No" I said and there were tears forming in his eyes again. All those times he had comforted me when I was crying, now was my time to make up for that and to show him that I was there to return the favor when he needed me. "It's all my fault and I didn't even admit to it" he sobbed. I looked at him, then started placing little kisses on his neck, running my hand up and down his arm. "It's not your fault, this could've happened to anybody. You're a great dad and you're a great boyfriend and I'm sure you were a great husband and you treat Ash with nothing but respect even though she can be a real bitch sometimes, I don't want you talking yourself down like that, okay?" I looked back up at him, he was still shaking and his eyes were still teary. I was desperate too now, not wanting him to feel like that, ever. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and it caught me off guard but it was so nice too. "Thank you, I don't know what I'd do without you" he whispered and kissed the side of my neck. When he pulled away, he looked more calm and he had stopped shaking while hugging me and his face had some color again. I wiped the traces of salt away from his cheeks and got up. "How about some music?" I asked to distract him and he nodded slowly. I walked over to the radio in the corner and turned it on. "Oh, hey, this fits" I said with a slight smile and sat down next to him, hugging him from the side as he leaned back and pulled my head down on his chest as P!nk's soothing voice came from the radio, singing what I felt:

"Pretty, pretty please

don't you ever, ever feel

like you're less than

fuckin' perfect

pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you're nothing

you're fuckin' perfect, to me..."