42: Remus Lupin - Insecurity

House: Slytherin

 It had happened three years ago, but Remus and I were still having immense difficulty getting over the death and betrayal of our friends. On Hallowe'en of 1981, three of our friends were brutally murdered and one went to Azkaban. For the first year after the event, Remus' transformations were horrendous. I too had turned into an animagus to help my boyfriend of seven years and was able to transform into a fox. I usually managed to look after him really well during full moons, but his depression and upset at loosing our closest friends somehow travelled on to his werewolf form.

The days after he'd stay in bed, thankfully letting me look after him. I hoped for one shred of happy news, that perhaps Harry wanted to meet us or perhaps Sirius was finally proved innocent, however the source of my sudden happiness was unexpected.

I held the pregnancy test, smiling from ear to ear. It was positive and I couldn't wait to tell Remus when he came home from work. We hadn't discussed having children, we hadn't even discussed marriage but now that I knew I was pregnant I couldn't of felt happier. I wondered what would be the best way to tell him, but the front door opened sooner than I expected. "(y/n)?" Remus called out through our small house. With my bright smile still on my face I hopped down the stairs. I hid the test behind my back, leaning up and pecking him quickly. "What's gotten you so happy?" He chuckled.

"This!" I exclaimed, revealing the test from behind my back and handing it to him. He took it and it seemed to take him a moment to register what it even was. When it clicked, he froze on the spot. There was definitely shock on his face as his eyes widened farther than I thought they could, and I waited for his lips to smile but it never came. He simply stared at the positive test. He began to worry me when his body went rigid; it was almost as if he stopped breathing. "Remus?"

"You're pregnant," he whispered under his breath, not pulling his eyes away from the test.

"Yes! Isn't this exciting! We're going to be parents!" I held his hands but he didn't react. "Remus... are you not happy?"

"H-how- how did this happen?" He whispered and I furrowed my eyebrows.

"I'm going to guess it was when you didn't wear a condom a couple of weeks ago," I teased him, hoping to hear a laugh but there was nothing. "Remus-,"

"We can't... I can't," he muttered and there was a pain in my heart.

"What do you mean? Of course we can!" I was starting to panic internally.

"I can't- I need some air," he said quickly, turning and walking back out the door quicker then light. Pure panic erupted within me and I immediately ran out after him, looking desperately up and down the street but there was no sign of him. I assumed that perhaps he had apparated somewhere, and I couldn't stop myself from collapsing next to our garden gate, tears falling from my eyes.

I probably looked pathetic, crouched on the ground whilst clinging onto the gate and crying my eyes out. Was this just self-doubt or was this him saying he doesn't want children? Was this saying he doesn't want a secure life with me or was this saying he doesn't want to be with me at all anymore?

On wobbly legs I stood, trying to think where he could've been. It was possible he went to his dad's, but they hadn't spoken in months to I thought perhaps not. He had to come back, he just had to so I went to the living room and sat on the sofa, subconsciously placing a hand on my belly. I reached for the box of tissues, finding myself crying even harder as my mind ran away with thoughts of him leaving me over this. 'No... he wouldn't do such a thing, would he?'

- Remus' POV -

I stood outside my dads house, it about to be the first time I would've seen him in a year. I didn't know who else to turn to as I thought about the situation at hand. (y/n)'s positive pregnancy test sat in my pocket, and seeing the look of panic on her face just before I walked out the door haunted my mind. All I wanted to do was make her happy but there was one fact that remained: I didn't want a child.

Carefully I knocked on my fathers door, waiting nervously and wondering whether he'd want to see me at all. When the door opened we both stood there for a second before he warmly smiled. "Hello son," he whispered and I couldn't help but smile despite the situation.

"Hi dad," I said and he waved for me to come in.

"I've just put on a pot of tea, I'll get an extra cup," he said, walking to the kitchen whereas I headed to the fireplace in the lounge, many framed photos upon the mantlepiece. We all looked so happy, smiling brightly and waving. My eyes then landed on a very specific photo, one of dad with his arms around mum, mum holding me as a baby. I picked it up and brushed my fingers across it, noticing that they were both crying with happiness. There was a pang in my heart as I stared at the picture, but dad soon came back in with the tea tray.

"Oh, here," I said, taking it from him and putting it on the coffee table. We both sat on the large sofa opposite the fireplace, the flames crackling loudly.

"So what do I owe the pleasure?" Dad asked and I sighed.

"I'm sorry I don't come to visit you more often... now that mums not here I should come and see you more often," I started and he chuckled.

"You've got your own life now son, there's no need to worry about me," he said kindly. "Where's (y/n)?" My heart tightened a little just from hearing her name. "Oh no... have you two broken up?"

"What? No! No I- I don't think so..." I mumbled. "She's pregnant," I said simply and he raised his eyebrows.

"Isn't that a good thing?" He asked and I stood up abruptly.

"Of course it's not! I mean, someone like me I- I can't have a child! Being in a relationship with someone is bad enough but knowing I'd be putting a baby at risk is so much worse!" I said and dad sighed.

"Is it just your lycanthropy stopping you from wanting a child?" Dad asked, the question irritating me slightly.

"'just'? I can't have a child, what if I accidentally killed it?! I can't control it, (y/n)'s in enough danger as it is... having a baby is just out of the question, someone like me shouldn't have one, it'll turn out like me and it'll be all my fault! How could I forgive myself knowing I have willingly passed on my condition to an innocent child! And if, by some miracle, it is not like me, then it will be better off, a hundred times so, without a father of whom it should always be ashamed!" I collapsed back on the sofa with my head in my hands.

"You know, asides from the day we got married I think the most important day in your mother and I's lives was the day you were born. You were so small and fragile and I knew from the very first time I held you that I was going to do everything I could and more to keep you safe. I failed in that department though... the situation you're in now is all my fault. Remus, your lycanthropy is not hereditary, it was the cause of my failures of a father and I am sorry," dad said.

"The child would still be ashamed of having a monster like me as their father," I said and dad sighed.

"I highly doubt that. I'm so proud of you, as was your mother, all of your friends and as is (y/n). Only you and (y/n) can decide whether you want to have a child or not, but your child would not be ashamed of you Remus. Your child will love you like we all do," dad said and I felt my lip quiver.

I stared down at the photo of my parents I was holding, and imagined (y/n) and I in their place holding our own baby. A warm feeling ran through me at the thought and I found myself unable to tear my eyes away from the picture. I gripped onto my hair, confusion running through me as I realised starting a family with (y/n) would feel incredible, but the idea of putting an innocent child in such severe danger hurt. "I-I- I can't-,"

"Are you sure?" Dad whispered and a few tears escaped my eyes, landing on the glass of the photo frame. There was silence in the room, the only sound coming form the crackling of the fireplace.

"I don't know," I admitted finally, wiping my eyes roughly.

"I think you're so concerned about passing on your lycanthropy that you forgot to look at what you truly want," dad said and I nodded.

"I do want a child... I want to have a child with (y/n) but what would I do if I hurt them? Or if they ended up like me? I could never forgive myself!"

"Remus calm down, your child wouldn't be a werewolf, lycanthropy isn't hereditary. Your child may end up liking their steaks on the raw side but that'd be the extent of it," dad said and for the first time I let out a small chuckle. "Now go home and tell (y/n) that you want to start a family with her. Talk to her about the way you're feeling, she'll understand but remember that none of us love you any less because you're a werwolf and your baby will feel the same way," dad said and I nodded. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that having a child would be wonderful, and the idea of (y/n) and I being able to take a photo like the one I was holding made me feel warm inside.

"I need to go to her," I said quickly, standing up and rushing to put the photo back.

"Explain everything and I'm sure she'll understand," dad said, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Bye dad, I'll see you soon," I promised him and he nodded.

"See you soon, son."

I headed outside and immediately apparated to our front garden. I breathed in a deep breath, preparing myself as much as I could.

- (y/n)'s POV -

He left an hour ago but it felt like a lifetime. My heart was breaking with each passing second as I sat crouched on the floor of our kitchen, hoping he'd come back and hoping this wasn't the end of us. I thought he'd be happy about my pregnancy, excited even but instead it was enough for him to turn and walk away.

Tears threatened to leak from my eyes again despite having just dried them, when suddenly I heard the front door open. I immediately scrambled up, stumbling towards it and seeing Remus stood there sheepishly. A surge of anger rushed through me as I stormed towards him, raising my hand into the air and bringing it down on his cheek, the 'slap' echoing around the house. "How dare you Remus Lupin! How dare you!" I screamed, not even attempting to wipe away my tears.

"I'm sorry I made you worry," Remus mumbled.

"'Worry'? I wasn't worried Remus, I was petrified! How could you do that to me?! I knew it was a shock, I never meant to get pregnant and when I pluck up the courage to tell you all you do is walk out?! What is it, do you not want to be with me anymore? Is the idea of having a child so repulsive to you? Do you not want to be tied to such a commitment? Was I just a way of passing time-,"

"No (y/n)! No of course not, I want to have this child with you!" He shouted, grabbing my biceps. "I want to have this child, I want us to have a family but people like me don't breed! I was terrified, I had never wanted children simply because I was scared that I'd pass on my lycanthropy to an innocent child and they'd hate me for it, I was scared that they'd be so ashamed to call a monster like me their father that I convinced myself I didn't want children when- when I actually do. It's just the thought of them- the thought of them hating me because of what I am, I can't- I can't stand it," tears fell from his eyes also sadness filled me. "I know I shouldn't of left just now, you must've been so scared and I'm really sorry but you have to know I love you so much! I just don't want to have a child that grows up to loath me because of the monster I am," he whispered and I could tell there was pain inside of him.

He collapsed on the floor, furiously wiping his eyes. I crouched down to his level, cupping his cheek and wiping away some of his tears. "You know I don't like it when you use that word," I said, referring to 'monster'. "I'm sorry Remus... I had no idea you felt this way. I guess we've never really talked about having a child before, have we?" I asked and he shook his head. "Where did you go?"

"To dads... to get some advice. I'm sorry I left-,"

"It's okay," I wrapped my arms around him. "At least it was only for an hour," I chuckled and he held me tightly.

"It's just people like me don't usually breed, what if the baby ends up like me? I can't do that to a child," he whispered and I sighed.

"Remus, our baby isn't going to be a werewolf," I assured him but he shook his head.

"Even still, what if I hurt them? When I'm transformed I mean?" He said.

"We can work something out, we have nine months to prepare," I chuckled and he cracked a smile. "I didn't realise you felt this insecure about having a child," I admitted and he sighed.

"I just don't want to do anything to hurt them," he whispered and I kissed his forehead.

"We'll be okay," I whispered reassuringly.

"Yeah... we'll be okay."

- Timeskip - - Remus' POV -

I proudly placed the framed photo of (y/n) and me on the mantlepiece, (y/n) holding onto our new baby Hope and the two of us smiling down at her. "I think she wants her daddy," (y/n) suddenly said, coming into the living room with Hope crying in her arms. I couldn't fight the smile and took our baby from my girlfriends grasp, Hope immediately quietening down. "Seems like you've got the magic touch, she never cries when you hold her," (y/n) laughed, stretching her back.

"I love her so much," I whispered, looking into her sparkling (e/c) eyes. She reached out and touched the scar that travelled from my jawbone down my neck, her seemingly liking them as she often reached out to touch them with curiosity in her gorgeous eyes.

"You're a brilliant father, Remus," (y/n) whispered, wrapping her arms around my torso. I held onto the two most important girls in my life, knowing I'd protect both of them with my life.