Chapter 39

Lilly's POV 2 1/2 years ago

    I shrug my shoulders, trying to show as much as indifference as I can. "What do you guys want me to say?"

Jesse and Nadine are looking at me like Im someone they don't know anymore. And I guess in a way I'm not, but is what I did really so wrong?

      "I'm just trying to understand your train of thought is all. And why you would keep this from us." Nadine says, and I can hear the hurt in her voice that I kept a secret from her. Normally she was the first one I would tell anything to, besides Sutter.

But obviously, times have changed.

"My train of thought?" My voice has an edge to it. "For once, I wasn't thinking about anything. I was enjoying myself and having fun, spending time with someone that didn't ask me a thousand times if I'm okay, or why I'm drinking so much, or why I don't swim anymore, make good grades anymore, or fucking smile anymore." I'm breathless at the end of my rant, not stopping until I got the words out.

I'm usually really good at hiding my emotions and keeping things locked up, but I couldn't stop myself from snapping. I don't have to explain the decisions I make to anyone.

Nadine's eyes are wide, and her mouth is open, so Jesse takes it upon himself to answer for them. Although, his face seems very surprised too.

"We didn't mean it in a bad way Lil, you know that. We just want to make sure this isn't something you're doing that could possibly hurt you in the long run." He runs his hands over his sandy blonde hair, and grabs the back of his neck, obviously frustrated with not knowing how to handle the situation.

Or how to handle his best friend anymore.

"How is making out with a hot guy going to get me hurt? Isn't that what single girls do these days?"

"Because of who he's related to Lilly." Nadine mutters the words quietly, but there's no mistaking them.

I feel the squeeze around my heart and stomach, like a vice grip. I clear my throat, trying to get it unclogged.

"So what, I can't be with anyone else in this town because they could know him or are related to him?"

"You know that's not what we're saying, Lilly." Jesse snaps at me, finally fed up with my front of not giving a shit. "We're just not sure it's entirely healthy to be hooking up with your ex-boyfriends cousin, after he's only been gone six months."

"We haven't hooked up, we've only made out. And you should be happy to know that I think it's very healthy for me, because when I'm with him I'm not sitting there and remembering everything that I've lost. Is it so bad to want to surround myself with people who don't make me feel so broken?" My voice cracks at the end, and I try to clear my throat again, but this time it just seems harder. It's not going away as easily again.

Nadine reaches across the table of the coffee shop that we're in, and clasped my hand in hers. "Of course that's not a bad thing, I am fully in support of you doing anything that makes you feel like yourself again, or helps you get better. Anything within reason, that is." She gives me a pointed look, obviously referring to the fact that I've taken to drinking and smoking weed to help numb the pain I feel.

"I'm not too entirely sure that fucking Cross is in within reason." Jesse says, causing me to lean back in my seat like I've been slapped.

"I haven't fucked him, Jesse. We made out and we've hung out a few times."

"How many times is a few times?" He asks.

"Like five or six, and this is the first time we ever did anything. And I was the one who initiated it, not him."

"What did you do the first couple of times y'all hung out?" Nadine asks, but this time her voice is just curious, like she wants to be in on some juicy gossip that's going on.

I'm tempted to lie to them, but I don't want to make the situation worse than it already is. "We saw each other at a cove party one night and he gave me a ride home, and then every time I saw him there after that he would give me rides too."

I glance up at their faces, knowing their expressions weren't going to be positive ones. Nadine looks shocked again, eyes squinted and mouth open. But Jesse..he looks pissed. His eyes are hard, and his jaw is tightened so hard I can see the muscle on the side of his cheek.

"You've been going to cove parties?" His voice is hard and distant, a tone he's never used with me before. I don't know what to say, so instead I just give him a small nod and try my best not to let him so how nervous I am of his reaction.

While Nadine and Sutter are my best friends, Jesse is like my brother, and I've actually known him longer than I have Nadine. We met when we were just two years old, going to the same preschool together. Obviously neither one of us remembers it, but his parents have plenty of embarrassing pictures to prove it. His mom and my mom went to high school together, and from the stories she tells me about my mom before my dad, she seemed like a much different person back then.

Jesse was important to me though, someone I couldn't live without, so his feelings and opinions really did matter to me. And I hated disappointing him, especially since thats all I seemed to be doing lately. But I didn't have the energy anymore to try and please everyone around me, and I didn't want to anymore. It made me sick to see other people happy, as messed up as I know that is.

"Those kids do fucking crack and rob people on a daily basis, Lilly. What were you thinking? If you want to go out and drink and smoke, at least do it around people who care about whether you make it home alive or not." Jesse voice is a little louder than it should be in a coffee shop, and there are a lot of people staring at our table with suspicious eyes.

"I'm sorry. But I wasn't alone, Cross was with me every time and always made sure I had a ride back."

"So is that where you've been staying the past couple of weekends?" Nadine asks, and I give them a questioning look, because I didn't realize they knew I wasn't home.

"You think we didn't think it was suspicious that you kept blowing us off the last handful of times that we asked you to do something? We came to check on you a couple of times, and you were never at home or at the cemetery. But we wanted to give you your space and privacy, but this obviously changes things."

"Why does this change anything? I don't have to answer to anyone what the hell I want to do with my free time. My parents don't even expect that of me, so why the hell would I do it for y'all?" My time is hateful, and I want it to be. My plan is to push everyone away as hard as I can, the less I have to worry about, the better.

"Lilly, we know things have been hard for you.." Nadine starts but I don't let her finish.

I scoff rudely. "Hard? You think this is hard? Us having to memorize the bill of rights in social studies class was hard. Losing the two people you love the most in this world? That's fucking impossible. So excuse me if I choose to cope with things in a different way than you two deem acceptable."

I expect them to get mad at me, to yell back. But Nadine's eyes just fill with tears, and Jesse's posture relaxes and he heaves a big sigh. "We just love you and want you to be around for a really long time, Lilly. We don't want anything to happen to you. That's what you do when you care about someone."

I stand up out of my chair and look down at both of them, with no remorse. "Yeah? Well then how about don't fucking love me or care about me anymore then. Take it from me, it only rips you apart when everyone leaves in the end. And they will, trust me. No one is ever around for good." I storm out of the coffee shop like my life depends on it, and swing the door open so hard it hits the brick wall and makes a loud bang.

Everyone is watching, and plenty of people are whispering, but I can't find it in me to care. I got used to their whispers and stares a long time ago.

I don't know why I ended up at his house, or when I decided to come here, but this is where my feet took me when I started running and couldn't seem to stop.

When you feel like no one in the world understands how you feel, it's really tiring to try and find a calm happy that someone can give you. I feel like I've found that in Cross, but no one supports that.

Good thing I stopped worry about what people wanted from me seven months ago.

I don't knock, I just slide open the glass door and keep walking until I get to his room. I hear more than one male voice talking, but I don't let that stop me.

I burst into the room kinda suddenly, and five pairs of male eyes turn to me, but I'm only looking for one set. I finally take the second to also hope I don't look like a complete mess after running a couple of miles here. I looked cute before I left for the coffee shop at least, wearing a pair of dark jeans, a long red shirt, and my black jacket over top of it. I even had the energy to do my make up and style my hair with a little beanie hat.

No one says anything at first, and I start to worry that I made a mistake, but before I sike myself out of something that I want, I do my best to break the ice.

"So this is what hot high school guys do in their free time? Play video games?" My voice is light and playful, and I'm watching Cross like my life depends on it.

He's always been the one coming after me and saving me, this once I wanted to be the one to do that. He looked obviously surprised when I first walked into his room, but I see a slow smile start to creep its way onto his face, and I feel a little bit of my nervousness drain out of me.

"We have beer too." One of his friends says, and holds up a can in explanation.

I chuckle lightly. "Well I guess that makes it marginally better."

"Can you guys give us a minute?" Cross says to his friends, who still seem unsure what to think of me being here. It's no secret who I am, or what I used to be to his cousin, so I'm sure there is a million things swirling around inside those jock heads of theirs.

I gotta admit that I wasn't really expecting there to be a crowd here, but now that Jesse and Nadine know, I don't see any point in trying to keep us a secret.

"Yeah, sure." One of his friends mumble, and they all file out of the room, not trying to disguise the curiosity their all dying with.

When the door closes and we're finally alone, I take a couple of steps closer to Cross. "Hi." I whisper.

His handsome face once again lights up with a small smile. "Hey, what are you doing here?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I wanted to see you."

"You did?" He doesn't hide the surprise in his question.

I nod my head. "Yes. I know I may act like sometimes you drive me crazy by coming around me, but truth is thats the only thing thats been keeping me going these past few weeks. It gave me something to look forward to."

He releases a long breath after my honest answer, but his face is a blank expression so I can't tell what he's thinking or feeling about it. So I decide to just get out every thought I have, before I lose my confidence to do so.

"I'm a fucking mess, Cross. That's no secret. And I have been for the last months since everything happened to me, but somewhere in all of that rubble, you were able to get through to me. I don't know what that means, and I'm trying not to look into it too much yet, but i'm also done denying that you make me feel something. And after being nothing but numb for the past few months, it is really nice to feel something. Especially something good."

He takes the last couple of steps forward to be directly in front of me, and picks my hand up. "I make you feel something?"

I nod my head.

"You make me feel something too Lilly, although its a little different for me because were not in the same situation. I haven't been numb, but I have been angry for a very long time, and I don't feel so mad when you're around."

I know he's telling the truth, because I've seen Cross's anger firsthand, with the way he carries himself in school and brushes people off who has no interest in. But it's not the kind of violent anger my father is possessed with, which is the only reason I don't feel like I need to steer clear of him.

"I just want to be a normal sixteen year old girl. I want to go to parties, I want to let loose and have fun, kiss a boy, and maybe get into a little trouble here and there. I don't want to wake up everyday and feel the weight of the world hit me square in the chest when I'm reminded with how much I've lost."

"You can never be normal, Lilly. You're far too special for that." He says the words softly and cups my cheek, a sensation I haven't felt in so long. "And I would be honored to be that person who you cut loose and have fun with. Especially the one who gets to kiss you."

I giggle softly, and feel an emotion swelling up inside my chest. But I have one last thing to say before we're done with this conversation.

"I don't want to talk about him, ever. I know thats how we know each other, but I draw the line with that. I don't want any labels on us either, but I won't be with anyone else. I like to have sex, and that shouldn't have to stop just because a boy left me. I'm done sulking in my room everyday, I'm ready to have fun. So no heavy stuff, none. This is just light, and fun. As long as you want the same things too."

"Nothing but fun and sex with a beautiful girl? What kind of guy says no to that?" Cross says, and I laugh and lean into his chest, breathing in his masculine scent that does things to my body that I haven't felt in a really long time. "We won't talk about anything you don't want to, and I definitely won't be hooking up with anyone else if I'm with you. There's just one issue.."

"What?" I ask impatiently, when he trails off.

"I just hope you can keep up with all the things I want to do to you." He says into my ear, and then unzips my jacket from my body, and pulls it down my arms. He skirts his hands up my shirt and touches my bare skin, igniting a flame in me that I thought was forever burnt out. He lifts me onto the side of his bed, and leans down to trail kisses down the side of my neck, causing me to let out a moan.

He pulls back and I whimper at the loss of contact, which elicits a smug smirk on his face. "So how bout it, you think you can keep up?"

"Only one way to find out." I say, and reach for his belt and zipper with urgent hands.

When he's thrusting inside me a later after some fun foreplay, and I run my fingers through his hair while he's kissing me, I do my best to cover up the fact that I'm thinking I'm not running my fingers through boyish curls, and looking into green irises that used to promise me the world.

And I believed him.