Part Twenty Eight

"Esmie, please wake up, please" Nathan whispered.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes tiredly. "What time is it?" I asked groggily.

"What?" Nathan asked from across the room.

"What time is it?"

"7"

"Oh, why did you want me up?" I mumbled, swinging my legs over the side of the bed.

"I didn't?"

"Oh, i must have been dreaming"

"Okay, well i'm off to America again babe, i'll be back on Sunday"

"Bye"

He came over and kissed me good-bye and gave me a huge hug. I let him go and fell back to sleep, clutching the pillow to my chest. Every time he left, i felt like he'd been gone for years and that it would be years until he came home.

When i got up later and dressed myself in jeans and a casual top along with one of his hoodie's i checked my phone to see Michelle had called and i was late for meeting up with her for lunch. I decided to cancel and stay in the flat and feel sorry for myself.

I opened Nathan's laptop to listen to some of his demos, to hear his voice. As if he hadn't left only 4 hours ago. I played them through and looked through his mentions.

#RestInPeaceTW filled it instantly. Great. Another one of twitter's stupid jokes about my boy.

I scrolled through some of them to see video links and photographs. I clicked on one and watched a news reporter read through her lines. Something wasn't right. They wouldn't go that far.

"The devastating news that boyband 'The Wanted' has been involved in a plane crash that departed from Heathrow at ten am this morning. The plane was passing over Canada when an engine failure occurred, details are yet to be revealed but we will be bringing you updates as soon as possible." She paused building up to what i could only assume was the biggest news. "It has not been confirmed whether the band members have survived the crash and investigators continue to search for bodies. Fans are said to be devastated and setting up candle-light gatherings in their name. Their families and friends were notified immediately and are flying out to America later"

I rose to my feet but my legs gave way immediately. I tucked myself into a ball. My baby. He was gone. I stumbled through to his room and turned the TV on to see the same news on every channel.

 I scrambled around to find my phone, more missed calls. I clumsily pushed the buttons to ring Michelle.

"Esmie, oh my god. Tell me you've heard?" She sobbed.

"I've heard."

"I'm coming to pick you up now. Everything will be fine"

It wouldn't though would it. Not without Nathan and Max. Everyone who ever swore to protect me had died. I ran to the bathroom and found Nathan's razor. I could still see a few flecks of his stubble on it but pushed the thought aside and grabbed the lighter from the cabinet. The one Nathan and I had once used to light the candles in here for a romantic bath together which had ended up in a water fight and a flooded bathroom.

'Stop it Esmie. Just do it. You know how to. You've done it before.' The voice in my head hissed. I quickly melted away the plastic that encased the blades and slipped two out. I ran them under the tap and accidentley cut my thumbs because my hands were shaking. I grinned at the sight of it the red beads that had rushed to the wounds. It had been so long.

I stepped into the shower and let the water run cold over me. I braced myself and pulled the blade in my right hand over my left wrist, biting down hard on my lip to ignore the pain. I hadm't expected it to sting so much.

I did the same to my other wrist and laughed to myself as the water ran over the deep cuts and turned red. Sick rose in my throat but i swalllowed it. Suddenly i felt faint and reached for the shower walls as i slid down them.

This was it. I'd see Max and Nathan again. I'd see them. I wouldn't ever be alone again.

"Esmie stop" I heard Nathan plead. "ESMIE!" He screamed.

"It's okay Nathan, we'll be together now."

"Esmie, listen. I don't want you to die" He begged.

"I do"

"I don't" He cried.

His voice cut out at the sound of someone pounding on the bathroom door.

"Esmie. Are you in there. We need to go" Michelle asked softly.

"I'm gonna stay here" I replied. Using up what was left of my strength to get her to leave.

"Esmie. Are you okay?"

I couldn't reply again. It felt like everything was leaving my body, not just the blood. All the pain that Amy had caused. All the grief i'd experienced losing mum. All the love i'd felt when being with Nathan. All the happiness of having people who cared, it was just gone. I stared at the ceiling and smiled as i felt the last of me disappear.

"Esmie, please wake up"

I tried to reply, to open my eyes but i was still too weak.

"Esmie? Esmie, can you hear me?" Nathan asked.

"Nathan" I mumbled, not loud enough though. He was still begging me to wake up. I am awake. I am. Don't worry Nathan, i'll be with you soon. I will.

"Nurse, i think she's waking up!" His voice was distant now. Nathan don't leave me. Come back.

"Esmie" He repeated.

I lifted my eyelids. As heavy as they were, Nathan needed me to wake up.

"Oh my god Esmie, you're awake"

"Mhm"

"Just let her gather herself, she'll be a bit woozy from the medication" The nurse advised.

"Nath" I whispered. My voice was croaky and sounded broken. I slowly lifted my arms to see that there were no scars. Well no new ones. No bandages either. "What happened?" I asked, reaching for my head which was suddenly thudding.

"Don't!" He jumped and grabbed my hand taking it in his. The spark was gone. Why wasn't the spark there. He wasn't looking at me the same. "You don't remember?"

"Amnesia is common with brain injuries, she should remember in due time" The nurse smiled at him, blanking me.

"Oh, okay" He turned back to me and squeezed my hand in a reassuring way. Though it annoyed me. I wanted to know what had happened if i hadn't committed suicide and failed, how had i ended up in hospital with a throbbing head?

"What happened?" I slurred.

"Should i tell her?" He asked the nurse and she nodded. "Amy attacked you"

"When?"

"3 months ago. That's how long you've been...in a coma" He struggled.

"Were you there?"

"Yes"

"Where was it?"

"At your house"

"After we fell?" I frowned, causing my head to throb even more.

"Yes"

"So i've been here ever since?" I asked slowly.

"Um, yes"

I digested what he'd said. That meant that nothing had happened between us. I'd been lying here in a coma for three months. Not falling in love with Nathan, or being rescued from Amy. I'd dreamt it all. 

"Me and Max have been by your side every day since though"

"Why?"

"Well Max is your step brother and it's my fault you're in here"

"Why?" I repeated.

"Well i should have rescued you earlier. I mean i always had an idea something was up but i never knew it was so bad" He sniffed, his eyes filling with tears. I reached to wipe them away and he didn't stop me and instead held my wrist like i had done to him before when i found out he was drinking. Or rather dreamt it all. My head continued to throb as i thought it over.

"So we never?" I asked.

"Never what?"

"Never mind"

"No, tell me. I'll answer any questions, i want to help."

"I guess while i was in the coma i dreamt up that me and you were together"

"What?"

"We were in a relationship" I snorted and could feel myself growing weaker. "I'm so glad you're alive because i think i love you" I said sleepily.

"What do you mean glad i'm alive? Esmie?"

"She needs rest. I know it's frustrating but give it time" The nurse soothed. I silently thanked her and tried to fall back to sleep.

I heard the faint sound of a chair scraping back and the door closing, when i thought it was safe i opened my eyes. Nathan and the nurse had left and i was alone to think over what i'd just been told.

There'd been no 'us' and no-one had saved me from Amy. I was alone as i ever would be. Maybe i could get Nathan to fall in love with me. Maybe. Probably not. Who would love me? It was all made up by my physco little brain and i was naive enough to still think maybe he was fooling with me. That he was just joking.

At least him and Max were alive though. They were alive and okay and that was worth never having a relationship with Nathan as much as my brain had made me love him.