twenty six. sin

twenty six˚༺⋆♱⋆༻˚↳ sin ↲

DRIVING POWER FROM MY STANCE, I curled my fingers into my sweat-ridden palms, forcing my fist towards the punching bag in front of me. The impact left the woman holding it steady to slightly falter, before regaining her balance.

"Good," Rosita said, leaning her head. "Again."

I ran my index finger across the surface of my thumb, inhaling sharply. I briefly glanced out the dusty window of the garage. My hands ached, but that was my own fault. I was the one who asked to be trained.

I was going on my first real run today. And, I didn't trust our scouting leaders at all. After witnessing the punch Glenn had dealt to Aiden, I knew learning self-defense was in my best interest. It seemed like if things got rocky, my fists would be my first line of defense.

There was no better person to ask about this than Rosita Espinosa.

I couldn't be sure how, or even why, but I had gained a deep understanding of the woman on the road. She was everything I wanted to be. Strong and independent, but gentle and kind when it was necessary. With just the two of us in this small garage—and a punching bag filled with sand strung on the ceiling—I gained a better sense of her character. She was intimidating. She wasn't afraid to be the bad guy, if that was what it took.

To hurt, to kill.

"Okay." I replied, swinging out my arms to get the blood flowing.

I kept my eyes on the bag, my feet grounding. With her nod, in one steady motion, I pivoted back, careful not to pull my shoulder too far with me while delivering the punch. My fist hit the leather with a thump. Rosita let go, moving into view again.

Her lips were in something of a straight line. "That one wasn't as good as your last deliver."

"It's been hours." I replied, relaxing my shoulders. "At least it's better than the start."

Her arm extended towards my shoulder, giving me a light pat. She was then smiling, surely proud of the progress we'd made since dawn. My first punch had hurt me more than the bag.

"You did good. I'm glad you came to me."

Asking for things, from anyone, would always make me uneasy. However, I'd been up early taking a fussy Judith for a walk, when I saw her in Base B. The garage had been open, and she was delivering a mean sequence of punches to the sandbag.

"Thank you for the help." I said, making my way to the corner to retrieve the jacket I'd previously taken off. "Can we do this again?"

"Sure." She agreed. "You headed to school?"

Another activity that would be held in a garage. Oh, joy. I felt like Daryl.

I slipped the jacket over my arms, untucking my hair from the clothing piece. "I'm pretty sure Eugene will tattle if I don't show up."

"If it's just between us—I'm pretty sure he's scared of you."

I scrunched my face, a smile forming. "Ah, scary privilege. I promised Noah I'd come, though. He says knowledge is still 'power'."

Rosita untied the thick twine holding up the punching bag, allowing it to drop. A cloud of dust rose once it hit the concrete. She leaned over, lifting it all on her own. I took it upon myself to grab the twine, and ravel it neatly.

"Isn't—" She grunted, tossing it in the corner where it had originally been placed. "Carl going, too?"

I paused with the twine spun around my palm. "Yeah, why?"

There was no way she saw. No absolute way. I'd been trying to forget it myself. Him and I, we were only friends. Friends. It was nothing serious. Friends. . . who kiss. Shit. It was only one time. We had been drunk—so basically, it never happened. Case closed.

She raised a brow. "No reason."

After putting the rope down, I began walking backwards. I gave her a gentle smile, before accidentally ramming my shoulder into the door. I took a second to regain my composure, then placed my hand on the doorknob.

"I'm gonna' go now. Can't be late for my first day."

She tilted her head at me. She seemed to be studying my reaction. I turned the handle, my grip tighter than anticipated. Silence, for a moment, before a quiet chuckle came from her.

"I'm kidding." She remarked, crossing her arms. "Don't be late."

▬ ▬ ▬

Hell was a dark place. I was taught to believe it was located beneath a horizon of soil, a layer of bedrock the only thing separating us from the most vile creations to exist. In spite of the spiritual effort to keep these evil forces downstairs, hell was vacant, now. The monsters of sin had long since been released to roam upon earth, ruling the upper universe.

School. It was practically the same thing.

One would assume that with the end of all ends, those torturous methods of learning — per say, algebraic equations, and the biological property of plants, would go along with it. Popular to belief, apparently all that still mattered here. So, a textbook placed in front of me, and a sad looking frail pencil tapping against empty paper quickly became my own personal sentence to hell. I could barely even remember the last time I'd been forced into an uncomfortable chair to learn useless facts which didn't matter anymore, anyways. None of this would help us with survival. Now, If this class were to learn about actual helpful things, like knowing poisonous berries from edible ones, or, how to properly skin a fish, I might have considered this actually important. Secretly, it must have only been a way for the parents to get their children away, for a while. On account of this, my parents weren't even here. They weren't anywhere, because they were gone. I guess, I should have pulled the dead parents card.

"Quit that tapping, I'm trying to focus." Noah hissed at me.

I leaned my head back, blowing the strand of loose hair away from my eyes. "I can't focus with Eugene talking."

He smirked. "I'm pretty sure the whole point of this is to listen to him talk."

"His voice is annoying." I replied, still holding onto the grudge over him lying about having a cure.

I mean, how fucked was that? He instilled hope into nearly everyone only for it to be ripped away days later.

Carl, who sat on the other side of Noah, caught my gaze. Our eyes connected a moment, before I abruptly turned back, swallowing. He was still staring at me. I could feel it. I waited a few moments before beginning to take a quick look to make sure he wasn't anymore. He shouldn't be, because that would be creepy. Carl wasn't creepy. When I finally checked, I found he was still looking my way. We both turned away in a heartbeat.

Listening to Eugene finally sounded like a good plan. No more creepy Carl, just science stuff. I was an expert with science. I tapped my pencil faster, but much quieter. My leg bounced up and down, my hand running through my hair. I sunk further into the plastic chair, holding an exhale at the top of my throat. I took the risk of looking again. I let go of that breath, when seeing his gaze was no longer glued on me. Then, it was time to actually pay attention.

It was this way for a while, listening to Eugene. The other teens could barely understand his odd grammar. I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't even sound English to them. Meanwhile, Noah, Carl and I had been exposed to his way of word for quite a while now. We'd traveled with him for months, and it had taken us most of that time to start understanding the brain under the mullet.

Enid, Mikey, and Ron were becoming good friends. The girl was my favorite of the bunch. The boys didn't understand me much, but they tried. Even after spending this whole time wedged between a perfect reality, untouched by decay, they were aware not many had that luxury.

But, it was nice—they didn't attempt at putting us back together, like we were something sad and broken. They took Carl and I as we were, and treated us as if we'd been neighbors with them our whole lives. It almost brought back a sense of normalcy. After all the destruction, there were still things that remained. Friends.

Looking at the board, Eugene was now roughly sketching a cell. I was carefully watching his hand movements, more interested in his drawing, than the actual lesson.

For a smart guy, he had pretty awful control over his whiteboard marker.

"What's an orgasm?" Carl spoke quietly towards us, with a puzzled expression while Eugene titled his sketch 'living organism'.

I turned back to look at him, my eyes widened. Ron and Enid had twisted around just as quickly. Ron was sporting a gigantic grin. Enid and I exchanged a look of disgust. Mikey seemed to see no harm in Carls question at all.

"or-GAN-isum, Carl. Organism." Noah corrected.

I turned back to the board, blinking profusely.

The next few minutes held a conversation I much preferred to exclude myself from.

▬ ▬ ▬

Hours later, I found myself sitting inside an open wooden gazebo, my legs sprawled out on the chestnut colored bench. To my right, the pond was just a stones throw away. It was August, maybe, and the greenery was more alive than ever. The trees were full and stretched out long towards the sun.

A few steps away, past the railing, there was a path made of heavy rock that led down to the pond. I could have gone and sat right at the edge, but there was a duck tucked comfortably there, her young ones by her side. It was past hatching season, so they had grown quite a bit. Their downy feathers were grey now.

The slight breeze created sparkling ripples in the water, ones that further coaxed me into relaxation. I was supposed to be finishing my homework, but I had grown too tired. The only thing stopping me from slipping into a dream, was the crow in the close-by magnolia tree. It had landed on a branch a few minutes ago, and hadn't stopped cawing and shaking its wings.

Despite this slight annoyance—I hadn't ever felt this serene. My skin, tingling with warmth. The gentle shade the gazebo provided. The fact that with these walls, I didn't have to check my surroundings every thirty seconds. That one took the cake. Being able to just exist, without constant fear.

A month ago, I would have done anything for this. That made every second of ease, so much more meaningful.

I watched as Enid and Ron made their way past the pond, pointing and smiling at the ducks. The mother was now emerged in the glistening pool, her babies following alongside. I rested my chin against my arms, only raising my head when Enid spotted me and waved. Ron seemed to catch onto this small action, sending me a friendly smile, too. I returned the favor, deep in thought by the time they disappeared into his house.

Were they together? I guessed it made sense. They seemed like a sweet pairing, but the thought of a couple—any couple at all—put an odd weight on my chest. Was I just a master at mistaking relationships for friendships? I wasn't sure what I'd thought Carl and I to be, before the kiss. Maybe that was it. . .maybe I hadn't thought into it at all.

Maybe I'd just kissed him because I wanted to, and it didn't have to mean anything past that. But, did I want it to mean something?

"Why the long face?" Noah asked, stopping at the bench. When I looked up, he pointed to the empty end. "This seat taken? Cause', it sort of looks empty from here."

"Oh, it's just my new friend, Charlie. I'm sure he can make room for one more." I teased.

As I moved my legs to allow him space to sit, He handed me the other half of his mustard and cheese turkey sandwich. The past few days, we'd made a routine of meeting here around noon. One of us would bring food. If we weren't hungry, we would just talk. It had started becoming the highlight of my day.

"Hey, if you're seeing things, you should probably go get that checked out." He motioned to an empty spot in the street. "Fredrick over there is a doctor. He'd probably be happy to help you."

I flicked him, and he instantly swatted my hand away, dramatically making a noise like he was in a horrible amount of pain. After a few seconds of ignoring his howls, he side eyed me and took a bite out of his sandwich.

"But really, what's on your mind?" He asked after about two minutes of silence.

I held what was left of my food. "That you have a killer hand in making this chunky bread taste appetizing."

The stuff, on its own, was absolutely terrible. It was half wheat, half bird food. Not actually, but just about. It was filled with oats, pumpkin seeds, and flaxseeds. The crow in the tree might have liked it, but I certainly didn't.

He shrugged. "Maggie—not me. So far, she's made all the food I bring. Now, talk."

"Woah—first off, that's cheating! I made those burnt grilled-cheeses yesterday and I was embarrassed because you make the good stuff." I said, preparing for the next set of words as I started blankly ahead.

"And, I kissed Carl."

He leaned back. "Well, that would explain it."

Had our discomfort between one another been so obvious? Rosita implied she knew something. Noah had caught on. Who else noticed? Had anyone seen the moment it happened? I thought we went unnoticed on the porch, but maybe we'd been too tipsy to fully take in our surroundings.

I put my head in my hands. "No lecture needed, alright? I regret it enough as it is."

This was by far, another conversation I'd rather not have with Noah. Or, anyone for that matter.

"Why?" Noah paused. "Wait, is he a bad kisser?"

I felt my face heat up. "No! I mean, I don't know! I tell you I kissed Carl and this is the first thing you ask?"

"Then, why regret it?" He chuckled at me.

There were many, many reasons to look upon this action with remorse. The first, being that whatever had gone on between us, had the ability to break apart our friendship. It had already been rocky since arriving at Alexandria. With a kiss added to the equation, we were doomed.

I had barely spoken a word to Carl. He hadn't made any effort to say whatever was on his mind, either. We briefly greeted each-other when brushing our teeth at night—but that was pretty much it. It seemed the smartest option was to forget about it. Neither of us were showing any signs of wanting to talk about it.

My best friend was suddenly gone, and it scared me.

Somewhere deep inside, I had an entirely different worry. Most things I cared about met terrible fates. Lives cut short. Bloodshed. Pain. I had been the bearer of it all. What if the kiss had locked in his own will? If we could both go about pretending that it never happened, that I had never touched him, he might have a chance at escaping my potential wrath.

"I dont want to lose him." I said, picking at the sore skin on my finger.

The bench groaned as his posture slumped. "I remember how it felt after going to Richmond. Finding my family dead — I mean, nobody could be ready for that type of pain. But, along with that loss, I met all of you guys on the way. Life is weird like that. We lose, and we lose, but out of all the loss, we gain."

I gave him a soft smile before my eyes flickered towards his beeping wristwatch. His finger pressed down on the side button. It silenced.

We both knew what it meant.

"Already?" I asked.

Today was the first real supply run. Nicholas had mentioned something was wrong with the prototype power grid, and using micro-inverters was suggested by Eugene. We were being sent out to find them and retrieve them from a warehouse a few miles down the road.

"We should head towards Deanna's place now. If we're early, we can get first pick on a gun." He told me, slinging the bag over his shoulder.

"Sure." I remarked, gathering my things into my arms.

"For the record," He briefly got cut off from a caw belonging to the black feathered bird in the tree "Whatever happens between you and Carl—just know you won't loose me."

▬ ▬ ▬

"Come on, you have to protect yourself." Noah tried handing a gun to Eugene, only for Eugene to shake his head uncomfortably.

"Not if I don't go."

I made my way past the two, choosing not to involve myself. I couldn't be bothered to engage with Eugene. Noah was better than I ever would be.

Instead, I carried a crate down the driveway, placing it in the back of the van. Glenn joined my side, sending me a warm smile as he placed many magazines down. It was clear we had enough ammunition. Half of our team sucked, but we had what we needed to defend ourselves.

Hopefully that would be enough.

Nearly everything was loaded. All that was left were the pile of empty bags on the concrete below. These would store our supplies, once we got our hands on what we needed. The rest of the group was still buzzing around, attaching holsters to their jeans, and choosing guns and knives.

It was a step Noah and I had already completed upon arrival. I'd gotten my hands on a pretty nice piece. It wasn't too heavy, and it felt good in my hands. It held plenty of ammo. Beth's knife was already in the leather cover attached to my jeans.

"Can you get the checklist from Tara?" Glenn asked, motioning at her as he grabbed the empty packs.

I nodded, twisting my hair up us I neared the girl at the front of the van. She was watching Nicholas lift the hood, her arms crossed across her chest. It didn't look like many of us enjoyed the fact that he was coming. More importantly, that he and Aiden were leading us.

"Hey, Tara?" I approached her. "Can you give me the list? Glenn needs to make sure we have everything."

"Shit, yes." She said, rustling through her pocket before revealing a small folded sheet.

Just as I went to reach for it, Noah came to my side, patting my shoulder as he grabbed it before I had the chance. I furrowed by brows at him, taken back.

"I got it." He said, turning to me. "Looks like someone's here for you."

"What do you mean?" I began, before being interrupted by Tara.

"Ey, Cowboy Grimes! The hats back!"

I twisted, the fabric of my knit cream poncho-like shirt rubbing against my skin. A jolt ran through my heart muscle as I was met with the sight of Carl. Despite Tara's humorous comment, his face was stern, his movements stoic. It had been a while since he'd worn the hat. Only now could I notice how much he had changed since he religiously wore it. His hair was much longer. His face was structured differently in some odd way that made him look like less of a boy, and more of a man. Without a smile, or any look of amusement at all, his features appeared cold and intimidating.

He stopped close, glancing quickly at the others, then back at me.

"Can we talk?" His voice was almost in a whisper.

I looked ahead, watching as the car's trunk was shut. Glenn was saying goodbye to Maggie, and Aiden was entering the driver's seat. Tara and Noah had already walked off and started loading themselves in.

"Now's a bad time. We're heading out."

I placed my hand on the hood. A wave of nausea swept over me when remembering I hadn't just kissed him. I had somehow managed to tell him about my home life. About Allie. God, shame was digging a hole clean through me. I felt like I'd been shot in the chest.

He placed his hands on his hat. "I just need a minute. That's all."

I looked away from the van, meeting his stare. "Okay, go ahead."

For a few seconds, he struggled on finding the right words. "Look. . .about last night. . ."

I wanted to dig myself a grave suffocate in the dirt.

"We should forget it." I cut him off. "Right?"

I couldn't do this. I couldn't. I was standing beside a boy who knew how my lips felt against his. That thought was horrifying. It was too intimate. I didn't want him to know me like that, it was humiliating.

He needed to forget everything before I went into cardiac arrest. He had about ten seconds before I would drop and lose a pulse.

"Yeah." He responded. Eyes of ice, staring back at me. They were much more grim than the ones I'd caught sight of earlier today.

"Are we good then?" I asked. "You know, like, friends?"

He nodded his head, the corners of his mouth upturning. "Why wouldn't we be?"

He was smiling at me. The pressure building between my ribs lessened, and I felt my heart-rate slow. I returned the gesture. I hadn't touched a Bible in years, but I felt the sudden urge, now. God deserved thanks. I would pray to him tonight, I decided.

I put my fist towards him, only for him to stare back at it.

"What are you doing?" He squinted.

"It's a fist bump. Ask Tara, if you want the actual logic behind it. She'll talk your ear off."

He further inspected the gesture, until he finally closed his hand, bumping it against mine. "Be safe out there."

That sentence came out like he wanted to stop me from going entirely, but he wasn't in a position where he could. We had just cleared the air. He was smart enough to know that if he protested against my departure, I would leave angry, and we would be brushing our teeth tonight in silence once again.

"Always am."

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • · 3,941 words • 3:43 am

carl 🤝 not knowing how to pronounce organism

hey!! carl and cyn are 15 rn. (yes, they are a year ahead of Carl's cannon age). they have no clue what they are doing. did u know how to approach a situation such as theirs at 15? I know I DIDNT. give them some time to defrosttttt.

i feel like you can all sense something about to go down and you couldn't be more correct.

sincerely yours, 𝓜 ᥫ᭡.