XLI

Jackie's POV:

I knew what was about to come out of his mouth right before he said it. But that didn't lessen the blow. Didn't lessen the shock. Didn't lessen the heart wrenching and world shattering realization that our relationship is bound to change now. Didn't lessen reality.

I don't know how to compartmentalize this. I don't know how to cope with it. Usually I'd go to Ashton. I'd tell him how I don't know what to do. I'd ask him for advice. Ask him what it all means. But I can't right now because he's the variable here.

I know I can't tell Calum about this. Him and Ashton are already on edge enough as it is. They have been since I came between them.

This is something that I have to sort out within myself. And that terrifies me.

"Is that why you tried to keep me from him?" I ask him, avoiding eye contact.

"In the beginning I really was trying to protect you. Then at the Halloween party I seen you the way you reacted to losing him." he inhales sharply, "I regret saying that you were falling in love with him because I really don't want that to be true. I seen him changing for you and I panicked. At first I didn't know why and I tried not to think about it, not to think about you. But then yesterday when you told me you're moving in with him it all came into focus." he says quickly and without pause, "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, but it's driving me fucking mad, Jackie."

"I know, Ash." I lean my shoulder against his, "But lets talk more about this when you're sober, okay?"

He nods and stands, "I really am fine to drive." he tries to convince me for the millionth time as I get to my feet.

"No. You're staying here or getting a ride." I tell him sternly, grabbing his hand as I take off to search for Calum.

I find him in the corner of the kitchen, laughing with Luke. His smile's the best thing in the world. Full of joy and youth and amusement and love for life - everything that I craved for so long.

Calum's POV:

I see Jackie dragging a bumbling Ashton behind her. Her thin fingers tightly interlocked with his, wrenching him through the crowd and over to me.

I break away from my conversation with Luke and meet her halfway. Her eyes are wide, wild almost.

"What's - " I start but we're interrupted by the doorbell ringing despite the door itself being propped wide open. "Pizza's here! Who's paying?" I hear someone yell out and I pull my wallet from the back pocket of my jeans.

I hand Jackie three twenty dollar bills, "Can you get that, please?" I ask her, nodding to the door. I would've gotten it myself but I want to ask Ashton what his problem is while Jackie's not around. I want to know if it has something to do with her like I suspect it does.

"Yeah, but watch him, okay?" she asks me, looking over at Ashton with worry lacing her features before she takes the money and starts toward the door.

I keep Ashton in my peripheral, absentmindedly watching him as he watches Jackie disappear into the group right alongside me.

I see the top of her head move through the group of people, hand the money to the deliveryman then pass the pizza boxes off to Michael and start back toward us. She's eager to get back.

"Seriously, dude, what's up with you?" I ask him, keeping my eyes on the girl who's eyes match the sea. She gets stopped in the crowd by a shorter brunette girl and I watch as Jackie's crimson lips speak a response that I can't hear over the music. I see her index finger extend toward the hallway in the direction of the bathroom.

Ashton doesn't answer me, but after a pause he says "You'd better take care of her. 'Cause I love her, too." He practically growls the words and Jackie rejoins us before I can respond, "You understand?" he raises his eyebrows and takes a step toward me but Jackie grabs a handful of his shirt and pulls him back gently.

That was the answer I needed to know - it is about her. I feel a swell of jealously rush through me but snap out of it when I see Jackie's stance shift uncomfortably.

"It's okay." I tell her softly before turning my attention back to Ashton.

"What's going on?" she asks looking between us both.

"Nothing." I answer her and take a step back, putting space between Ashton and I once again.

"Well, is, uh, is there someone who can give him a ride? Or, like, maybe he can stay here or something?" she says, flustered.

"He can stay here." I look Ashton up and down quickly, appraising his state. He can't drive, he can barely walk for Christ's sake. "C'mon." I tell them, walking to the far corner of the house where a small bedroom lays. It's barren in comparison to the rest of the house, only a twin bed and a dresser occupying the space. This is the room that I used to stay in on the rare occasion that I tagged along with my parents on the weekend.

"Okay, thanks." she smiles weakly at me, "I'll be out in a minute." Dismissal fills her tone but I hesitate, looking over her and at Ashton who's fumbling toward the bed.

"I'll be fine." she whispers, reading my thoughts as my eyes return to her. I nod and retreat slowly, starting back toward the living room. I hear the door shut behind me once I turn away.

Jackie's POV:

My head's spinning. My mind's shorting out from an overload of information. I'm trying to make sense of the seemingly nonsensical.

But my feet carry me to the bed where Ashton's sitting. I kneel down in front of him and start unlacing his boots. His eyes stay focused on my face but I keep my gaze on my hands, pulling the shoe from his foot. When I'm about to remove the second one his hand finds its way to my chin, tilting my face to look at his.

"I'm really in love with you, Jackie." he says clearly and crisply as if not intoxicated. I watch as his eyes slowly begin to drown in tears. He tries to blink it away but one rebels and begins to make its way down his face. I bring my hand to his cheek and wipe the tear away with my thumb, holding the side of his face like he does when I cry. It's always soothed me, always convinced me that everything would be okay even when the world seemed to be crashing down around me. I hope that it has the same effect on him. I'd assume so by the way he leans his head into my palm.

"I know." I tell him softly and watch his eyes screw shut as I return to removing his shoes before standing.

"Take your shirt off." I tell him, grabbing a handful of it to catch him as he starts to fall back onto the bed. He never sleeps in his shirts. Never has. He says they're restricting. He's told me countless times that they are, and I quote 'A mere invention of society that was created to encourage modesty and discourage freedom of the nipples.'. I watch as he sits back up and clumsily pulls his black t-shirt over his head. I take it from him and fold it neatly, setting it on the dresser for when he wakes up.

It occurs to me how opposite this whole situation is. He's usually the one taking care of me. I'm usually the one who drinks too much. The one that needs to sleep off the intoxication. I'm usually the one in pain. I'm usually the one trying to forget reality. But not tonight. And it hurts like hell to see him like this. Especially because I know I helped create the reality that he craves so badly to forget.

He grabs my wrist as I walk past the bed and toward the door.

"Lay with me." he mumbles sleepily.

My mind goes to all the times that I've asked him to stay with me.

I remember one time in particular - my dad was home and I knew he'd be pissed at me for showing up late. So I drunkenly climbed the side of the house to get in through my window. Ashton was right behind me the entire time. I remember him taking off my converse and jacket once we got inside, me muttering how angry my dad would be if he seen me. Even in my stupor I was subconsciously afraid of my dad, it always took an overload of liquor to make me forget completely. But Ashton eased the fear that stagnated within me. So I asked him to stay with me. To be my security, both emotional and physical. He did stay. He held me, the same way he held me earlier today at his apartment. He was my somebody to hold onto. That was the most solid night of sleep that I had gotten since my sister died.

"Jackie," Ashton whines quietly and I snap back to the present.

"Uh, yeah." I say and lay down next to him. The bed's far too small for two people so I lay on my side and keep my hands to myself.

"You can touch me, I don't bite." Ashton mutters with a sleepy voice and closed eyes.

I smile to myself as I bring my hand up and brush the curls from his forehead before dropping my hand to rest on his chest. His flesh is warm, his heartbeat familiar and soothing under my palm.

He falls asleep in a matter of minutes and I carefully break away from the bed to rejoin the crowd outside.

Before I leave the room I look back at him. His mouth's parted slightly, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. I wonder how many times he's looked at me like I'm looking at him right now. I wonder how long he's been in love with me. I wonder if I'm in love with him.

A/N: Thank you for reading!

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