22. Lap of the Gods

The stars they are so bright, shimmering in the velvet navy sky above me. I am not certain how long I have lain here, it could be hours, or days, or even years. I don't feel myself I just feel still and resting. I don't remember what I am or if I had a name? If I did it doesn't seem to matter - nothing matters here - it just seems like one long infinite moment of quietness. It is not frightening or confusing or any of those things, no, it just is. Yet something is uniquely familiar about this place, like I have been here before? Why do I know this sky?

Faces flicker before my eyes, I know these faces? I know these people? Why do I need to know? What am I supposed to remember? Where am I?

"Clara..."

Clara? That name...is that...me?

I go to answer the voice but find I have no lips or tongue; I just have my thoughts - what is left of me - my spirit.

The voice speaks my name again but it isn't just one voice, it is like a thousand voices speaking my name at once. It is not deafening or disorientating, it is...like...music? All those voices and sounds come together to make beautifully haunting extraordinary music. I cannot tell if it is male or female? Or if it is man or beast? It is everything, or rather it is the life or essence of everything. It is in these moments that I realize I am surrounded by the soft hum of constant music, like a heartbeat, like energy.

I trade off many different comparisons in my mind but none of them seem to accurately fit the magnificent beauty of this sound and the creator of all this wonderful music and life. I am stunned and completely subject to the wishes and movement of this entity, which is what I want...for it seems the right thing to do, to trust...to have faith.

"Clara...will you see?"

The voice that is an orchestra of sounds asks me, and before I can respond in thought my vision changes. I see a body of a woman outstretched on cold marble, draped in sheer gossamer; she is pale and still cloaked in what would first appear to be death. Yet her cheeks are flushed with the softest shade of rose and her chest falls and rises ever so softly. I realize I am looking down at myself and feel incredible sadness. In the endless symphony of noise I hear one extremely familiar voice, as it cries out in deep sorrow, lamenting my absence and begging for my life. He even bargains, his life for mine? No! No he mustn't, I love him! And then suddenly the voice and the face meld together and I connect the missing puzzle piece.

Thranduil...my beloved, my family, and I would go even as far as to say soul mate if I could fully comprehend the meaning of that word.

In the next second I am reminded of why I am here in this place, I was attacked and I lost myself in the pain...am I nearing death? Why am I being tortured with this? Please I cannot hear his pain anymore it is destroying me! Stop!

There is silence, complete silence, not even the beautiful music to comfort me. I am left alone watching my body slowly give up before my very eyes. Except now her face slowly changes, it starts to become less perfected and damaged. Great big welts and scars of burns lacerate her face and body. The scene slowly morphs, like looking through a mirror into another world.

My body lies on a bed, a modern bed, I know this place? It is a hospital? From the world I was born in - incredible - everything is so bright and sterile it actually frightens me to watch. Wires, tubes, and all sorts of machines are crammed into the small space, each one of them vainly trying to keep me alive. Why on earth would I want to be kept alive in that condition? Everything is seared, broken, or disfigured. Wait? I survived the crash? I may be brain dead and unable to breathe without the help of machines, but I lived?

"Is there any chance?"

That voice? Dad? It is my Dad! I haven't seen him in so long but there he is standing at the foot of the bed watching me with sorrowful eyes. I thought I would not care to see him again but I do - I really do. I don't want him to cry! He is there by my side; I never thought he would be! He did love me. He may not have been there in life but he was there when I needed him, he came through! My flaky stupid father remembered me! My heart is overwhelmed by the confusion and love of the moment. I guess now knowing the bond of family I can appreciate his attempts, no-one was there to help him when my mother ran out, I don't blame him for being scared...not anymore at least. He did what he thought was right and seeing him now? Well I guess it mends that age old insecurity, my daddy did care for me and he didn't forget me.

"She isn't responding to treatment Mr Riley." A man in a white coat and scrubs says to my Dad. "And if she did, by some minor miracle, come back to us she would not be the same. Her brain has been damaged, there is no telling the lifelong impact that will have on your daughter."

"I don't deserve to have her as a daughter," My dad says and claps his hand to his mouth sucking back a great sob. His grey eyes twinkling with unshed tears, then he runs his free hand through his dark blond hair in indecision.

"Regardless sir, you are Josie's next of kin. The decision to turn off the life support is yours alone," The man who I presume as the doctor says in a firm but sympathetic tone. He puts his hand on father's shoulder and adds softly. "Take however long you need," and with that he leaves.

The man that I call father walks around the bed and stares at my damaged hand, debating whether to hold it or not. Eventually he decides to just stroke it with his thumb, and I feel a great ache within myself at the scene. He shouldn't have to make this decision alone? Where are my so called custodians? I guess they have offloaded their guilt onto him and like a trooper he has stood up to the plate and took on the responsibly. Oh Da you have such awful timing...you always did!

"Hey Josie," I hear him say in a strangled whisper which immediately has my attention. "You know I hated that name, I called you Clara but everyone thought it was old fashioned. I tried Princess I swear I did but I should never have been allowed to be a dad. I'm sorry...but I don't know what to do for you? I don't even know what you would want? Oh god...I can't do this!" He drops my hand and falls into the armchair by my bed and openly sobs.

If I had the ability to comfort him I would. I would run to his side and throw my arms around him and tell him how wonderful my life turned out. I would tell him that I forgive him because I've learnt life is too short to hold grudges. I would say that I understood his reasons for keeping me away, but maybe he should forgive himself to. If he could believe me, I would tell him about Legolas and Greenwood and basically becoming a parent myself. I would agree with him and tell him it is sorta life changing, but in a good way for me. I would laugh and tell him that his little princess was in actual fact engaged to a real, honest to goodness prince, and that he loved her and taught her that not all relationships turn out like her parents. Yet I cannot do any of these things because I am not really here, I do not really exist. Why am I being shown this? Is this punishment?

"It is a choice..."

The brilliant sound suddenly envelopes me again and I suddenly do not feel so alone or frightened. I get carried away in the melodious notes of the musical voice. In it I hear all the voices of everyone I have ever known, both in my first life and in my second. A choice? What sort of choice?

"What are you prepared to let go of? What destiny do you believe is yours?"

I see both of my lives played out before me again, and it appears to me the first was not nearly as fulfilled as the shorter second one. Yet the first is familiar and real, it has my childhood and my past, all things that made up me are stored there. The second one is confusing and emotional, it takes everything that was me and changes it around. It challenged me and it broke me a few times, and its future is uncertain. The first choice is safe and the second is risky, but the second - it promises love and hope. But was it real? Or was it a dream? What one is real?

"Nana! Nana! Gi Melin Nana!"

Legolas! I am suddenly overwhelmed by the instinctual need to comfort that voice. He was real, he was my little rescuer, and of course he existed! There is no choice, there was never any choice! There was only ever one option and I have no doubt that it was always the correct one.

For a moment though I contemplate my father sitting by the side of that girl that no longer exists, and I wish to set him free. Like an instant answer to my one prayer I am again in that hospital room, only this time I am like a ghost of myself. I slowly approach the sobbing form of my father and wrap my shadowy arms around him, he gasps at the touch and shivers but I know he cannot see me. He can sense me though and this is all that matters;

"It's okay Da! I want to go home, let me go home..."

I watch as he holds my hand and kisses me goodbye. I stand by his side as he signs the forms and lets the doctors turn off my machines. I hold my hand to his shoulder as we both watch the monitor count out the last beats of my heart and then I hear his one last sob of relief as the one solitary beep echoes through the room. And then I am gone,  and the darkness takes me, but I am not frightened anymore...I have faith.

xXx

The first thing I am aware of is the brightness, the burning and disorientating light of day as it fills my vision and blinds me to all else. Then my hearing picks up the exhausted and devastated sobs of another. My body starts to wake up...and it can feel!

At first aching pain is all I can comprehend, but it is soon replaced with touch. Strong arms still encircling me, still holding me tight refusing to let me go, and a head buried into my neck. I can feel the streaks of hot tears run down my chest and drip on the ground, not my tears but Thranduil's. With the very thought of his name entering my mind I can feel life in me again. With a solid gasp, which draws clean sweet air deep down into my lungs, I wake up and breathe again.

"Clara?" Thranduil cries in alarm and I feel his hands clutch my head as I am gently shaken. "Clara!"

"H-hhe-ey," I cough and blink against the strong sun. It was dusk when last I saw his face but the sun is high above us. It must be mid-morning at least, and he has not moved from this spot. He has held me through the night, he never once let me go.

"You're alive!" He shrieks through free flowing tears and hauls me into a seated position, so he can cradle me close. "Thank you, ahh Thank you! Praise be to Illuvator, praise be!" he praises loudly and looks skyward as he gently rocks me, a little too frantically to be soothing.

He plants kisses on every last inch of my face and I feel my own tears start to run down my cheeks. I'm alive and I am home, with my beloved, and all is well. My choice has been made and it seems final. I suddenly sense that yes indeed Illuvator was behind this, I am alive by his blessing and I am here by his authority. I weakly stretch up my hand and touch Thranduil's cheek, he smiles down at me with his tear stained face, but with the most brilliant of smiles that lights his astonishing eyes.

"Yes, my love, yes praise be!" I mutter and suddenly I feel his lips against mine, and they continue to place small feathery kisses to my mouth and cheeks for the longest time. Thranduil then traces my face lightly with his fingers and repeatedly tells me how much he loves me, and I do the same. Eventually though he lifts me tightly into his arms and he stands, bringing me with him.

"Let's go home," he murmurs softly and ducks down to place a tender kiss on my forehead. I nod once and give him a tired smile.

"Yes, I want to go home."

xXx

Blankets! Lots and lots of warm fluffy blankets, and a deep mattress, that is what I wake up to. I frown and try and recall my last thought before falling into a very deep sleep.

Thranduil had successfully carried me the whole way back to the hastily built elven camp. From there he refused to let anyone hold me and I just remember falling asleep to his beautiful voice singing to me. Now I am here,  in a very comfortable bed in a dimly lit bedroom, that is neither mine nor Thranduil's.

"Good afternoon child."

I blink at that voice as I come into sitting and clutch my forehead. I squint and let out a tiny gasp when I spy Oropher sitting on an ornate armchair by my bed.

"Your majesty?" I ask and do not even hide my relief to see that he is very much alive and well. "You're okay!" I cry and slip out of the bed.

"Whoa - easy now!" He reprimands and jumps up to clasp my shoulders. I feel fine though, better than fine actually. I feel alive and that is an incredible feeling. "You have been through quite an ordeal Clara give yourself a moment." He teases quietly.

"As have you!" I squeak and watch him with wide eyed happiness. "I worried so much, but you are okay."

"It was only a little arrow," Oropher chuckles and comes to sit beside me on the bed. "But I did not fight off a poisonous spell. My dear, we are lucky to have you still with us, I have seen such evil take some of the strongest warriors with ease. You Clara, are a walking miracle. Illuvator must have plans for you young one."

"It would seem so," I grin and he does something quite unexpected. The King of Greenwood, Oropher, the one elf I could not quite grasp, throws his arms around me and pulls me in for a tight embrace. It takes me a moment to remember to return the favour, but when I do he hugs me tighter, and in some places this could even be considered cuddling.

"Oh child," he mutters, "I have never been so happy for someone to be alive in all my long life. I feared the worst when Thranduil returned with you. Oh my dear girl I am so sorry for any hurt I may have caused you."

"There was no hurt," I reply brightly and he pulls away to place a comforting hand on my cheek.

"There was," he answers sadly. "I doubted you Clara, and for that I am truly sorry. There is no other elleth more deserving to be called my daughter than you. Can you forgive an old fool's closed mindedness?"

I sniff back a great big sob and then crush myself against him again; "Yes!" I cry because I have never wanted to hear anything more in my life. He chuckles again and pats my back soothingly;

"Thank you Clara," he tells me with an emotional voice. "Thank you for saving my Grandson and I. Thank you for healing my son, for reaching out to my people, and for bringing a little goodness to our world."

"Thank you for giving me a home," I continue to sob with joy. "I never knew what it was like to have a family, but now I do and I swear I won't let you down."

"Oh hush now child there is no need for swearing," he laughs playfully. "Now you rest for a little while, and I shall fetch you some food."

"Where is Legolas?" I ask suddenly, my mind eventually starting to kick into gear. "Where is Thranduil?" Sensing the panic in my voice Oropher tries to ease me back into the bed, but I refuse and scramble to my feet.

"Thranduil is with Legolas, the little one was quite shaken by his ordeal. My son and have been splitting our time between sitting with you and being with Legolas." He answers truthfully and I can see the worry and pain in his eyes.

"Then I have to go to him," I say resolutely and snatch the green robe that I recognize as my belongings at the foot of the bed.

"Clara you need to rest, you have been in and out of consciousness for over a week," The King reminds me and tries to stand between myself and the door. I notice now how he holds himself uncomfortably and grips his bad arm with his hand. He is not quite recovered either.

"I know, but I am fine, I have rested enough," I reply and pull on my robe. Again he tries to stop me but I lurch away from him. "Please don't try and stop me...I need to see my son!"

The words seem bizarre coming from my own lips but they feel right, he is my son! Oropher regards me for a long moment, suddenly realizing the truth of the statement and nods. Before he can say anymore I race out of the room, only to realize it is a spare room within the royal chambers and I am closer than I thought to Legolas.

I rush down the familiar hallway and pull back the doors of his room and let my eyes fall on the bed were he lies, cuddled up to his father. Thranduil's head snaps up instantly at the intrusion but then his mouth falls slack when he realizes it is me. He drops the book he holds in his hands and jerks towards me but then considers our son and changes his mind.

I scramble over to the bed and pause for a moment, watching as my little boy just stares blankly at nothing. He is traumatized and I was not here to make it better for him.

"Legolas," I say through a strangled whisper, "Ion nin glass nana."

Legolas blinks woodenly and sits up against his father's chest, then very slowly turns to regard me with those big blue orbs that are just stunning;

"Nana?" he queries and I watch as his little brows furrow. He stretches his little hand towards me and that is all he needs to do. I slide across the bed and pull him in close to me, wrapping my arms tightly around his little torso and burying my face in his hair. I start to sob and he starts to cry, and clenches his little fists around locks of my hair.

"Nana, I thought you had gone!"

"No! I murmur quietly and kiss the crown of his head. "No Legolas I promised I would never leave you, and I never will! I love you son, I love you more than you will ever understand."

"I love you more Nana, I do!" he cries and buries his face into my chest, but I don't argue with him either. I just stroke his hair and cradle him tightly against me. I start to sing quietly in my own way, in the way he likes and has grown accustomed to.

For the longest time it is just he and I, until I feel Thranduil lock his arms around us both. He holds us together in a strong protective embrace; we are at last a united family. I am home now and I am never letting go of this.

***********************************A/N: *sobs*

Thank you Elf_and_an_agent OliviaSmith115 ButlerGirlAnime rose5607 TiedinRed GG-Dreamer

Music: "Before I Leave This World" - Ivan Torrent. It's an incredible instrumental and vocal piece that I think describes this chapter perfectly

Elvish Translations

"Ion nin glass nana." - My son it is Momma. - I may have got that one wrong apologies if i did!

Some trivia for you, just to explain the inspiration behind this chapter.

The Music of Ainur - Eru Illuvator is Tolkien's representation of God. To the elves of Middle Earth he is their Creator and Father of All. Eru has no form and lives unbound of the world, but is part of everything in it because of the music he weaved into everything (including the Valar) to make life. The music Clara hears, is basically like encountering your maker. The Valar can't give or take life...only Eru...all life is delivered back to Him, for he created it, and only He controls its fate...only he can revive it. Plus Eru calls elves and men his children, and so He is directly concerned with them. I just imagine the music to sound like everything that was, is, and what could be. The essence of life in itself. I'm sure everyone has other ideas, it's just my thoughts hehe :)