CHAPTER - 26

Ninth month diary :-

Date - XX-XX-XXXX

Dear diary,

It’s getting harder for me to stop mom from telling dad about me, because as days are passing by, my heartache is increasing and I’m getting weaker and weaker… I feel this burden on my chest all the time, so heavy that I’ve started to forget how it used to feel when there was no pain in there.

But you know… it’s nothing compared to the pain I feel whenever I see Tae passing his smile to Jennie. No matter how many times I tell myself not to get jealous of her, I just can’t help it. I can’t help but think that it should be me. It should be me standing next to him, it should be me to whom he should’ve passed that ethereal smile of his…

Sometimes I feel this violent urge inside me — to go push Jennie away from my Taehyungie and scream at her to stay away from him, because he’s mine. But deep down I know I can’t. He will never be mine.

I still remember the day I first saw him. It was my first day in kindergarten. I was so excited to make new friends. And then there he was, sitting all alone. I tried my best to be his friend… but he hated me from the very first day we met. For me, it was love at first sight. For him, it was hate at first sight.

Sometimes I ask myself… am I really so hard to love?

Tenth month diary :-

Date - XX-XX-XXXX

Dear diary,

I practiced almost twenty times to make the perfect strawberry cake. Do you know the occasion? No, it wasn’t for Christmas. It was for my Tae’s birthday…

I noticed him in a horrible mood that day. Everyone was forbidden to even go near him, but I couldn’t see him being alone and sad. He was trying so hard to look furious, but I could clearly see the sadness hidden behind his mad face. So I thought of preparing a cake — his favorite strawberry flavor.

But my clumsy self burnt my hands in the process too. Still, I hoped that maybe he would like it. But he didn’t even taste it. He threw it away. That moment… I felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest.

But umm… there was also something good that happened that day. I got a friend. He’s a new student. Everyone was shocked at how a student could transfer to a new college in the final year, but I guess he had some kind of connection with our principal.

By the way, his name is Jimin. He looks like a nice guy. And you know what? I’m so happy. Because I still remember the day when it was my very first day in kindergarten, and I told mom that I was going to make so many friends. I didn’t know back then that it would take me 15 years to finally make a single one.

Thank you for listening.

Goodnight.

Eleventh month diary :-

Date - XX-XX-XXXX

Dear diary,

I’m sorry… I know mom will hate me for doing this. And I know noona will be so mad at me when I meet her. But I am really done loving him from afar.

I know I sound selfish, but I want his love. I’m going to die anyway, right? This transplant isn’t going to make me immortal…

Ever since I came back from my suspension, Taehyung has stopped bullying me. He doesn’t even look at me now. And that’s killing me from the inside. I can’t take it anymore.

I remember he once said he wanted a Gucci bag the other day. I checked the cost of that bag… it’s the same as my transplant fees. So now I have two options.

First — to love him from afar for the rest of my life.Second — to use that money for his favorite bag, and in exchange, I’ll ask him to be my lover for the days that are left.

I know it’s wrong. I know making a deal for love is wrong. But so what? This greed of his love is eating me alive. This one-sided love feels like it’s burning me.

I would rather choose to die as his lover… than live years in this emptiness.

I’m not asking for years, not even months… just a few weeks. What’s wrong with that? Am I asking for too much?

That was all. Thank you for listening to me. I can’t promise you that we’ll meet next month… because honestly, I don’t even know if I’ll still be alive by then or not.

Goodnight.

This was the last page of the diary. The diary of one month before Jungkook’s death was missing.

What happened in that one month?

Taehyung closed the diary with trembling hands. His body was shaking. His eyes were swollen from crying, his nose red, his lips quivering. His throat felt dry, his chest unbearably heavy. This—this was the biggest nightmare of his life, a nightmare he couldn’t wake from.

He pressed the diary to his chest, as if holding it could rewind time, could undo all the words written inside. But it couldn’t. His legs gave out beneath him and he sank to the floor. Slowly, he lay down on the cold ground, shutting his eyes tight, wishing—desperately—that when he opened them, this would all vanish.

But it didn’t.