THE DARKNESS

'Just because I let you go doesn't mean I wanted to.'

  I haven't been sleeping recently. Not even right now.

I'm laying in a dog pile at a train station. We're all cuddled up together because the AC is busted. All I feel is the cold rush of air every time a train comes and goes. But I hear a lot.

I hear the sounds of conversations, musicians playing and the sound of a coin falling into the tin can they set up in front of them, I hear the announcements every time a train rushes past and the sound of frantic footsteps of people getting on and off the train.

I lay in the pile of us. Staring up at the ceiling.

Taylor cried herself to sleep again, Ben was listening to music till he fell asleep and Logan is the type to immediately fall asleep.

In some way—I miss the Phantom Realm.

It was a place where we were always together. No matter what we felt, who we were with, where we were. We could always count on being a team in the Phantom Realm together.

I continue to lay awake, glancing at the run down, digital clock in the hallway nearby. Like we would shift. But I don't think this is out of habit.. because I didn't do it in the lab?

Then I remember. Aiden.

The girl bug sits in her glass jar, staring at the open door in the room she was left in. Awaiting the capturer to release her. She knew they weren't coming back. She always knew.

But she hoped. The girl bug hope to see more of the world than the window from across the room.

She's a bug. She's not supposed to be in a glass jar. She's meant to see the flowers, to feel the sun, to climb blades of grass, not to watch from afar as they mow the lawn that she ached just to lay in.

The girl bug knew her true potential. She knew her purpose. But she was taken from it, and she knew it was wrong. But she also knew that there was nothing in the world she could do to escape.

I watch the clock strike twelve, a relief and sorrow washed over me as I do, I let my head fall back and shut my eyes. I come to terms that all I can do right now is sleep.

It's black. I feel like I'm in the black forever until I open my eyes and it only felt like I was in the back for a few seconds.

I notice that it was only me and Logan laying on the bench. Logan fast asleep with his head tucked on my abs.

I allow my head to fall back. I'm too tired to look for Ben or Taylor. I just want to sleep.

The blackness consumes me one again as my head hits the bench, I don't even have the energy to dream, it's nothing but another empty space surrounding me. Suffocating slowly.

But— unlike I was lead to believe—it wasn't just dark this time, far away from me I see a door. It's a nutty brown with a gold handle. Something draws me to the door. Curiosity? Purpose? Suspense? I'm not sure. But I slowly walk to the door. I feel lil I'm walking for hours, but once I'm in front of the door it felt like I merely teleported there, like all the past effort to walk was worth nothing.

I grab the handle. It feels normal, yet it hurts. Like a warning. I ignore it and twist the knob, the door parts open partially and I stare at the barely open door.

Should I open it? Yes, of course I should. It's only a dream.

I push the door till it's fully open. Nothing. Just more unmeasurable black. I step into the door and look around.

Nothing. It's just darkness.

I sigh and turn around. No door.

Well—there is a door—it's just barely visible from how far it is. I don't like that. I walk towards the door again and open it. Nothing. I turn around and the door is gone again.

This time I'm more worried, I glance around the darkness frantically till I spot the door again. This time I run towards the door and swing it open, tightly holding the doorknob.

But the door disappears again, I scramble for support at the loss of the knob.

Once I spot the door again. I rush over to it. And again. And again, again, again and again.

Till I just lay on the floor of the darkness. And I—slowly—form into the black, nothingness. I can't breathe. But I'm conscious. I no longer see from my perspective but from a third person view. And I no longer search for the door and the second I truly loose my worry for the door, I am brought into a flower garden.

Instead of being latched onto by darkness, it was grass blades. Instead of emptiness it was flowers, instead of darkness there was a bright blue sky. And instead of a door far from me, it was Aiden, calling out for me.

But I no longer searched for him. We were two different entities. But.. that's not true. I hated the feeling of searching for the door and being left empty handed every time so much that I gave up. But.. was it worth it to give up? What if one of those times I didn't try he was right behind the door? What if it was really worth it to keep looking?

But here he is, I found him. I try to get up. To lift myself and run to him. But I can't.

I am being held down by the grass. I am being blinded by the brightness of the blue sky, and my eyes are getting water from the pollen of the flowers. And worse of all? All I can do is lay there well Aiden calls out for me. He sounds desperate and mournful, his voice grows shakier and desperate with each call.

I feel helpless. I am no longer grateful to be free. Maybe what I thought was freeing, just trapped me even more. At least in the darkness I could move freely. At least in the darkness I could open my eyes. At least in the darkness I had something to look for. At least I had the darkness.

______Word Count: 1186

(This is supposed to be a metaphor for death/ suicide. The door/ Aiden is hope, a goal. Anything someone wishes for. Ashlyn's struggle to reach the door is frustrating and repetitive. No matter how hard she tries and how close she gets, she didn't get past the door. Her giving up and laying down was suicide. And the flower garden was death. This dream prevents her previous thoughts of suicide. This was sorta vague but it would be cringy if it wasn't! :p

If you struggle with suicidal thoughts I wish you the world!! <3))