44

I sit inside the cab leaning my head on the window.

I thought he'd at least see me off till here but why am I even expecting that from him.

I feel hurt and surely I am dissapointed but it's all on me. I mistook his kindness, his friendship into love. I mistook his every action.

Since start, it was hate, then lust and then least friendship but it was never love for him.

For me, it has always been love.

I feel a lump in my throat which makes it difficult for me to swallow. I have tears in my eyes but I don't let them fall.

I just want to reach my house and sleep. I want to escape this.

I expected too much.

I take deep breaths as several thoughts go on in my mind. How can I be so wrong? Or was it him who was too good to me? Would things be any different if we didn't kiss that day?

Fifteen minutes later I find myself standing in my balcony staring at the night sky blankly. I want to cry, I really want to but I don't have any reason to do so.

He didn't love me. That's his problem. I love him. That's my problem.

And crying doesn't solve any problem. It just gives pain. I've been in pain for too long. Just as I am about to start a new life, I can't start it with pain again.

It's my life and it's me who can make it happy.

My phone chimes as I quickly look at the screen. Later I mentally slap myself because I almost imagined getting his text.

I lean my head on the wall biting my lips.

"Stop it y/n. Don't be crazy. No one can hurt you anymore. No one has any right to change your life." I say that sentence loud and clear for myself to hear.

I try my best to be as logical and rational as possible but those pieces of memory I have with him ruins my efforts.

Slowly tears slip down wetting my entire face. Before I even realize, I am already on the floor crying as loudly as I can thinking that it's only me who is left in this world.

It again feels empty.

I hate it how people come in my life, make me happy, let me have the best experiences, make unforgettable memories with me and walk out as if I never existed.

No one stays. At the end of the day I am always alone. I've felt this for a very long time and now I should be used to being alone but Jeon Jungkook made me feel like I can never be alone.

It's his mistake. He should've pushed me away. 

I sniffle walking towards the washroom to wash my face.

All I need right now, is sleep. A deep sleep. A very very good sleep.

As I wash my face, I still can feel his touches. I shake my head wiping my face from my towel.

I change my clothes and slip into my comfy blanket.

However, I am still cold. I miss his warmth. I miss how he comforts me everytime.

I heave out a sigh turning on my bed.

"Shut your thoughts and sleep y/n!" I scold myself closing my eyes.

Even before five minutes my eyes shoot open as I suddenly realize I have something called insomnia.

All these days, when I was with him I slept so well that I almost forgot I am not that good in sleeping.

I sit up straight letting out a scoff.

"Even sleep doesn't stay with me." I pout my lips leaning on the headboard.

Before I start thinking anything, I decide to walk out of my room and eat something.

Because food is life and life is food. And being in love with food is the best.

I look through my refrigerator taking out everything that is edible and is not needed to be cooked.

There's a lot. A week before Jennie bought a lot of groceries for me.

Jennie.

Yes, I can talk to her.

Like, why didn't I call her yet? Why didn't I tell her everything yet?

Oh God. She should be the first person to know and that way I can get everything negative thought out of my mind.

I pick my phone and glance at the time. I realize it's not the best time to call your friend. For tonight, I'll let her sleep.

Instead I decide to walk to my comfort place.

As I push the door, a low gasp leaves my lips.

I keep my hand on my chest sighing in relief. That's a sketch.

Not boasting about myself but it looked so realistic that for once even I thought Jungkook was right in front of me.

I stand in the middle of my room looking all around.

This place is full of his sketches. I push all the canvasses on one side spreading a white cloth over them. I am here to get him out of my mind.

I walk towards the wooden shelf. My hands reach out for the pencil kit but my gaze fall upon the colours.

My lips curl up when I remember a certain sentence.

"So colourless. I'd prefer something more colourful."

I think about making pencil sketches but unconsciously my hands pick up the colours.

I heave out a sigh shaking my head.

"Alright, let's fill some colours then." I've always loved pencils and black and white sketches. Today I decide to try something different.

I yet don't know what I am going to make. I am doing this to distract myself so anything would work.

I lift my hands spreading the colors on the canvass.

And just like that time keeps passing. I don't realize when the entire night have been passed with me just making that one painting.

I wipe my hands from the cloth when I am done and stand a little far to have a nice look of my painting.

That's us.

No.

That's me and Jungkook when we first met.

I giggle remembering how drunk he was that day and what rubbish he spewed.

I stare at it for a long time until I realize I was here to get him off my mind not to give him a permanent space in my head.

He already has my heart.

"Get yourself together y/n." I mumble to myself but internally I am so frustrated.

I pick up the brush which is dipped in black colour and ruin my painting.

Once again, I, myself drown my efforts into water.

"I hate you Jungkook because you make it impossible for me to hate you."