Chapter 21

"Ride with me?" Tamlin asked, turning from his way toward Vela's stall.    I dipped my head in acceptance, the corners of my mouth still upturned.    I watched as he swallowed, playing with the ruffles on the cuffs of his cotton shirt before he said, slowly. "You could try taking Aren this time."    I knew the hesitation in his voice, and I didn't think it was because of weariness for how Aren would take being ridden.    I would miss the heat of him on my back as Vela thundered through the grass and the wildflowers, cresting hills and weaving through forest paths; the occasional time when her weaving would become so sharp his arm would snake around me to keep me steady as I learned how to work the muscles in my thighs, the ones that kept me sturdy on the back of a horse. After our time spent at the lake, we did not return home immediately. We had gone riding yesterday evening as well, the joy of the wind whipping through our hair while mounted on Vela's powerful frame was something to look forward to every day.    We went to gather saddles, both of us gearing our own horses now.    I had begun to believe this High Lord in front of me, slowly turning back to his horse as he held my gaze, had grown interested in me. I felt a desperate tether to remain with him at all times. The ache of when he was not here had become more obvious, more infectious as our friendship festered, both of us filling some kind of wound with each other, I was sure.    I knew that Tamlin would allow himself to love a mortal—he had done it before. And yet that very thought is what terrified me, as I took a saddle to Aren, speaking to him in a low voice to soothe any unsurety the stallion may have felt.    Was I just another Feyre, another piece of a pattern bound to repeat itself? And what would happen if my feelings for him were a mirror of his own? What would happen if he truly wanted me more than any other Fae, or mortal—the mere thought almost seemed preposterous, that I had somehow landed in this position, entirely inadequate. I wouldn't last a mere percentage of his immortal life.    Would his affections wear off or turn abusive, as Feyre had warned, before I could even fully mature into seniority? And what would happen once I was aged, wrinkled and so otherly than him, who would remain young and golden throughout time?    Should I push these worries aside and let love reign, let the pieces of the puzzle sort themselves out however they would? I learned long ago that most times, when one takes precarious matters into their own hands, things would end in disaster. I would love to be a romantic, and let myself completely fall for him, if he would be so willing—but with Hybern, and the stresses of my parents and what was to come, all the unknown, I wasn't certain, wasn't—    His hands came around me from behind, grabbing the cinch for me and with one tug he had the saddle tightened on Aren.    I didn't want to turn—I could feel how close he was, could smell him next to me. I could feel his gaze, almost like a touch on the skin under my ear.    "Aren seems calm," He said, grabbing the reins and placing them in my hand. "But you do not."    I looked toward him then, hoping he could read every thought in my own amber eyes. I didn't want to have to voice any of this.    I moved, leading Aren past him, then out into the sunlight. I fit my boot into the stirrup, hauling myself up as I had done with Vela on that day, with my abuser strapped to her back.    Before I could check if Tamlin was mounted and close behind, Aren took off, jolting into a sprint, and I shrieked with terror and delight, reaching forward with a laugh to grasp at Aren's mane. Too long had he been holed up, waiting for his rider, waiting for someone he decided to trust. He flew toward the south, toward the treeline of the massive forest that eventually led to mortal lands, to my fathers fortress. But my father's fortress was a long way away, and I let Aren lead where he pleased.    I could hear the pummeling of Vela's hooves close behind as we neared the forest, and before I could shout for Aren to slow, he had entered the trees, his legs faster than I had anticipated as he carried us past tree after tree until, as if he could smell the flowers from Tamlin's mansion, he burst into a meadow littered with them.    All the colours, all the scents, all converged here in an opening. A herd of deer silently wading through the tall grass was already leaping away, back into the shade of the trees when Aren slowed, breathing deeply. His muscles quivered beneath my legs and my hands, as I ran them along his sweat-soaked flank.    Vela emerged moments later, and I glanced at Tamlin as he surveyed the meadow.    I drew in deep breaths, smelling the wildflowers, nearly tasting them.    Aren was lowering his head, nudging at the flowers, and I knew that for him, I would suffer their scent. I dismounted, and began on his saddle, undoing the cinch and letting the mound of leather fall off his back before I went to slip the bridle from around his head.    He whinnied as soon as I had finished, and fell into the bed of flowers, right where he stood. And despite the anxiety, the memories of that sentry, the images of what had happened to me flashing in my mind, I laughed.    I laughed at the sight of him, his round belly turning up toward the patches of sun coming through the break in the trees.    I looked over to see Tamlin setting down Vela's saddle and bridle, and releasing her to trot to Aren, nicking at his hooves with her teeth and prancing away from him as he nicked back from his place in the grass.    "I think I know what Aren wants for his birthday, whenever that is," I said, still chuckling as I waded through the flowers toward Tamlin. He was brushing at his hair, trying to untangle a honeybee that had decided to fly too close.    "Flowers?" He said, ducking away from the bee as it was finally freed.    "Yes, a whole stall full of them."    "Well," He chuckled, taking a step toward me. "There's no short supply here in my Court."    I glanced around, my eyes catching on a purple flower with particularly large petals, and I swallowed the taste of blood, the memory of his tongue. The first I had ever been kissed.    My throat tightened at the thought.    "We don't have to stay here, you know," Tamlin said a moment later, drawing my gaze back to him. "We can leave the meadow."    I took my time gazing at him, noting all that he was, remembering all that troubled me about this time spent between us. I drew in a trembling breath, and then lowered to the grass, laying myself down on the many flowers, and gazing up at the sky, watching as the butterflies flew past.    In the corner of my vision, I could just make out the leaves of the trees.    I could almost feel that pinecone, digging into my side.    Could hear the crunch of leaves and the snapping of twigs that told me of the approach of the two sentries.    I remembered the feeling of my blood, draining, feeding the moss on the forest ground, soaking between their humid fibres.    A great shadow came over my vision, and I couldn't help the electric jolt that speared through my limbs, telling me to run, even as I saw Tamlin lowering himself beside me, his own head coming to rest in the grass.    How perfect he looked, among the wildflowers, his golden mane spread among the green, pink and lilac. His eyes seemed to have been born of this very land.    I wanted to reach out to him, to touch his skin, soft with the new life of spring.    I drew in a startled breath, realising I had already reached out, already grasped his hand, his fingers on their way to tangling with my own.    This was what I dreamt of when I thought of myself laying on a forest floor.    This was how it should have been.    My throat still felt tight, and I turned my gaze back to the lonely cloud drifting by before he could look over at me.    "Was it you that found me?" I nearly whispered, my vocals not quite working.    There was a moment of silence before he muttered back, "Yes."    "When?"    "Not long after he threw you on the ground. I winnowed nearby in time to hear you scream, and the sentry felt my claws a second later. You had just passed out."    So he'd only had seconds to defile me, seconds in which the pain took me far away.    "His companion ran to get me as soon as he realised what was happening."    It was his thumb, stroking the knuckles on my hand that soothed most of the emotion from my throat.    "Thankyou," I muttered, not caring that my voice broke as I said it.    "Ellaena..."    I sniffed back a tear, wiping at my eye before turning to him.    "I'm sorry," His eyes were filled with sorrow, darkened like they were now heavy with rain, and there, I noticed as I stared, they began to well. "I am reminded every day of my failures—but when I began to know you, the reminder of how I failed you before I knew you, hurts me most of all."    I squeezed his hand, feeling a lightness steel over my chest. "I want to help you rebuild your army."    A fire blazed in his eyes, nearly burning away the emotion that had welled there moments before.    "I have fallen dearly in love with everything here."    "Ellaena, I need to tell you something. I can't withhold it from you any longer," He raised himself, our hands breaking apart as he rested on an elbow. "I have suspected since the day you returned to my court from the Night Court. I told Lucien of my suspicion, and we both felt it confirmed when Vela accepted you."    I shifted myself, pulling up from the forest floor to sit, staring across at him.    "What is it?" My lips tugged into a teasing smile.    He drew in a trembling breath, the silence around us thrumming with the life of insects and flowers all around.    "Ellaena... you're my mate."