Chapter 13

Donnie, Mikey, and Leo had already gone to bed but I sat up on the couch watching the clock tick. Raph had been gone for hours. If anything happened to him it would be my fault. He was out there defending my honor, or what little of it I had left.I glanced up at his room and chewed on my bottom lip anxiously. The clock ticking was driving me crazy, I let out a sigh and got up. It was just as I expected. Raphael's room...Minimal, with weapons scattered everywhere. His bed was unmade, a thin maroon blanket tossed carelessly over it. I remembered how hot his body heat had been that morning I woke up on him, it made sense he'd have such a light blanket.  I stepped farther into the room and saw a notebook wedged in between his mattress and bed frame. Biting my lip again, I glanced over my shoulder, listening for his return. It was silent.I pulled it out from under his mattress and flipped it open. I was surprised to find sketches, beautiful sketches on every page. Detailed drawings of his brothers, Casey with a baseball bat and mask. Lots of flowers, mostly orchids and lilies. "Raph likes flowers." I mumbled, flipping through the pages surprised something so beautiful and feminine interested the gruff turtle. I paused when I flipped the next page. Me. Sitting at the table with Casey and his brothers. The next page, me, smiling. And the next, me, scowling. I filled the pages of his sketchbook. One in particular gave me pause. My face was in my hands, my hair wrapping around my shoulders like a wind was blowing. The night he'd found me at Jackson's...He'd been drawing me. For months it looked like, from the very first meeting. One was of nothing but a tangle of hair, his hand wrapped in it. My stomach was in knots and I felt a cold sweat break out. The next was a drawing from above, I'd been sparing. My baby hairs slick with sweat, sticking to my face. A determined look set in my brows and lips. I was lying on the mat, or maybe I'd fallen, but he'd detailed the blush in my cheeks, the way my eyes seemed to be heavy as they looked up at him. Why do you look at me like that? He'd asked me...If that's the way I'd been looking at him then I had a much worse poker face than I'd thought. "What are you doing?" I slapped the book closed and hid it behind my back, turning to see Raph in the doorway."You're back." He nodded and unclasped the belt from around his waist, setting it on his bedside table. The act was so mundane, but it felt like when a man slides his belt off just before he undoes his pants to give you a pounding. I gulped. "Why are you in my room?" He asked eyeing me. "I was waiting for you. I couldn't sleep." I said, noticing the blood on his knuckles. He wiped at them with his palm noticing my gaze."Don't worry, I didn't actually kill him if that's what you're thinking." "I told you not to go." I said angrily. "You never listen to me when I tell you to stay, so I guess now we're even." He said chuckling darkly. "I don't need you to defend me, I can defend myself." I snapped."I know, I saw girls who beat you up. One of them looked like you beat the shit out of her."His words weren't accusing, just factual. Only Raph could be so cavalier when it came to unsavory sins like that. "They saw you?" He shook his head."I waited until they left." We stood there in silence for a few moments. "How's Jackson?"Raph bristled at his name."Let's just say he won't be using his dick for a while." A million thoughts popcorned through my head at what that could have meant, what he could have done to him."Don't tell me you feel sorry for him?" I pursed my lips, choosing not to answer. "Just get out." He sighed angrily.It was a dismissal, and I hated that it made my heart burn with the need to disobey. "No. I'm not some lost puppy you can just order around." I said gripping the book tighter behind my back. "It's late, I'm tired. There's nothing else for us to talk about tonight. So, get out." He repeated in a tone that said our conversation was over. "Nothing for us to talk about? You don't think we should talk about the stunt you pulled in the kitchen?" I said refusing to back down. I'd hit a chord, I could tell by the way his jaw clenched. "What about it?" "What the fuck was that exactly?" He looked back at me, the intensity in his gaze sharp and full of something I couldn't place. "Fine, you wanna talk Miya?"He looked like he was slightly unsure of his next words but was too angry to care now. "During training..are you disgusted or am I turning you on, because I can't fucking tell." He blurted out looking ruefully put out at having to have this conversation. My face blazed like it was on fire."What?" "You heard me." I could deny it, but he'd practically accused me of getting wet for him and if the drawings were any indication of how he felt, he might be experiencing the same thing.I wanted to know, I hated that I did, but I wanted to know. "How am I supposed to react when you're practically always pressed into me?"  I paused and looked away then, not wanting to see his reaction to my words. "I can't control it." I muttered hating that he was forcing me to admit it. "I have to touch you to teach you." I shoved the book at him, the page of me lying on the mat still open. "What about these? Are they for training too?" The color drained from his face."Is that why you don't let me train with anyone else? Because you're obsessed with me or something?" "Watch it." He warned snatching the sketchbook from me. "Was training me just your sick way of feeling me up with an excuse? I'm just a desperate girl for someone to take advantage of, isn't that what you said?" "No!" He snarled flinging the book away from him."Then why am I in that book!" "I draw you because I can't have you. You're Casey's.." He paused and let out a frustrated growl. "You're off limits. You've been off limits since the day you walked through the door, and it's pissed me off every day since."His admission was equal parts invigorating and accosting. Somehow it felt like a slap to the face. I wanted to break something. The turtles and their fucking honor. What a terrible time for it to rear its head.His friendship with Casey had acted like some sick chastity belt I'd been branded with, and even though I knew acknowledging this mutual attraction between us was a bad idea, it pissed me off to see Casey didn't even have to be here to keep me on a leash. "Off limits?" I seethed. "Like I'm some fucking doll on a shelf?" I wanted to smack him. If Casey were here I would ring his neck too."Then we're done here." I stomped my way out of his room and down the stairs. My blood roaring in my ears. Nothing made sense. Everything was all fucked up.