thirty-five

Kao

Five years ago

"What are we?"

I asked before Pete could take another step away.

We were in front of my house.

I was sending him off after he walked me home.

We just had our the dinner right after he took me from school on his motorcycle just like the night before and those nights that came after.

"What do you mean?"

Pete slowly pivoted towards me just when I thought he didn't hear what I said.

"I mean, what are we? What is this?"

It's been months since I acknowledged the fact that I am crushing on Pete.

Almost the same time we had been hanging out a lot.

Alone.

Together.

Sure we became close lately.

Much closer than anyone I have in my life next to my parents.

The very first friend I took home to have dinner with my parents.

The dinner which opened up another dinner with Kaleb and Rein the next.

And before I knew it, I was already in love and I didn't know how to go about it specially because I didn't know how the tall guy who seemed to cold from the outside but really funny and soft and kind who always gives me confidence in everything every time I feel like losing it feels about me.

I had been thinking about it lately, and there were times that I almost, almost made a fool of myself and confessed only to be back out.

I know that it had not been this long and we only knew each other for a short period of time and I swear I did try to become logical about it but I just can't seem to stop.

And tonight, I just had to let it out.

"We're happy. This is how it's supposed to be."

I scoffed as I heard his answer.

Actually, I didn't know what to expect.

I was not really expecting anything.

But looking at him now, with how conflicted he seemed, I know I should expect a change in our relationship.

Sadly, it would not be the change that I had hoped for if only I would be honest with myself.

"I'm sorry."

I ended up saying when everything dawned in on me.

I can't lose Pete.

I can't afford to lose the friendship.

And it would happen if I pressed on it.

But then again, I couldn't afford to hide my feelings anymore.

These past months had been hell.

Him being sweet, and attentive and caring.

Him bringing me food to school or when I joked about it on the phone when we were texting.

Him being too nice to my parents helping them with some chores.

I can not not feel anything about it and it's driving me crazy how I didn't know what we're all those about.

Kaleb was also nice to me.

And so are my other friends, but I didn't feel the slightest for them as compared to how I feel about Pete.

Just thinking about him could already push me off the edge.

"Pete, I can't. I'm sorry."

I looked him straight in the eyes.

It's now or never.

Whatever happens, happened.

I'll just have to deal with the consequences later.

"I tried, but I can no longer lie to myself and pretend."

I was blinking and was trying to hold my tears back but I could already feel them pooling.

"What do you mean?"

I shook my head as I bet on my lower lip when Pete took a step towards me and I just had to raise my hand to stop him.

Which he did.

"Come on, tell me."

I shook my head yet again.

Forcefully this time.

"Kao, come on, we're friends."

I looked at Pete when I heard what he just said.

Then I laughed.

It was quiet at first.

Then it became louder.

So loud that I ended up crying.

The quite neighborhood even made it obvious.

"That's basically what's wrong. I don't want to be friends! I don't want to be just friends!"

I said the moment I was finally able to compose myself.

"You're a smart guy Pete. I'm not sure if you're just playing dumb but you should know by now that I don't just see you as a friend."

Pete was quite as he was just staring at me.

"I like you."

I finally told him.

"I like you."

Hell it was scary but it was also relieving at the same time.

"I'm sorry but I like you."

My voice started to tremble when I began my words.

"I tried no to. I swear, I did. But."

I had to trail off when my Pete clouded with the amount of tears that were already flowing off my eyes.

I didn't plan this.

I didn't want to cry.

But at the moment, it seemed to be the only thing left to do.

And I guess it's understandable knowing that you're about to lose your first love and your best friend at the same time.

But he needed to know.

"I like you."

I told him again.

"No. I'm in love with you."

There's no use of denying it.

"You shouldn't have..."

I blinked when I finally heard him speak and I swear I could hear my heart breaking with what he said.

"You should not have liked me. Look at you. And look at me. We're in every way very different from each other. You end mistook me for a thief the first time we met remember?"

Pete shook his head and snickered bitterly.

"I should have known from the start how this would happen. I should have never approached you."

I heaved a labored sight the moment those words came out of his mouth.

I knew that there would be rejection somewhere for when I finally tell Pete that I am in love with him, but this is not how I see this would happen.

What he said, hurt more than the fact that he couldn't love me back.

Because the fact was, the day I met him, was the best day of my life and it may sound stupid, but I would not care if I'd have my cellphone stolen over and over again if only it would mean I get to meet him.

"I should have listened to Kaleb. I should have listened to my brain when they both said I should leave you alone and let you be."

I sniffed loudly and carelessly wiped my face before I raised my hand to stop Pete from speaking any further.

I guess it's enough to know how he really felt towards me.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I told you. You should have not heard. I should have not told you. Just forget I said anything."

I said as I tried my hardest to keep a straight face and a clear voice despite my chest feeling like it was about to burst with how painful it was feeling.

"I'm sorry if I like you. I'm sorry if I fell in love with you. I'm sorry if I can't be content with us being just friends. I'm sorry."

I broke down and had been sobbing before I ha stud mind to turn around and get ready to get inside the house and cry my eyes out when Pete stopped me.

"I'm sorry too."

I heard him said as he held my arm to stop me from walking away and I couldn't help but cry even more.

He's sorry that he can't love me the way I want him too.

He's sorry that he's ending this friendship.

I cleared my throat before telling him that it was okay, but I was not able to say anything when Pete spoke yet again.

"I'm sorry that you're the best thing that ever happened to me when I'm the worst that could happen to yours."

My brows furrowed and my tears seemed to cease from falling.

I had to turn to face Pete who had his head down.

His right hand still holding my left arm.

We were quite for a while when he slowly lift his head up to meet my eyes.

"I'm sorry. I know I could never be the right man for you but I still took my chance and pushed my luck and asserted my existence in your life."

I swallowed dryly.

Am I really hearing him correctly?

"And I'm sorry because now, even if I wanted to, I can't. I can no longer let you go. I love you, Kao. I know I shouldn't but I love you. I love you too."

That was the last thing I remembered hearing before I pulled Pete towards me and then, we were kissing.