Chapter 24 - Stay

Chapter 24 - Stay

TW - Mention of physical abuse, violence and mental illness

Jade pov

It has been two weeks since the day we met Agent Jareau and Perrie's mental state has deteriorated again. Telling the whole story brought her mind back to those moments and now all the progress she had made seems to have never existed.

She has stopped talking to everyone, she no longer lets anyone touch her, she barely eats and stays almost all day in her room shaking and begging for her attacker to leave. Even when she is awake.

Dr Mikaelson changed the diet to give him an easier one to follow but Pez refuses to eat saying she doesn't deserve it.

Things aren't going well with Dr Blossom either, she called me into her office one day saying that Perrie's condition was getting worse and she was considering admission to the mental health unit. She said that if she didn't see improvement within two weeks, or if Perrie tried to harm herself, she would be forced to request hospitalisation.

Leigh and Jes come here every day and try to talk to her, we sit on her bed and sing to her, but she doesn't even seem to be here.

The most serious thing is that she seems to be hallucinating. Sometimes she thinks I am Alex or sees him in the room, she often looks around and then covers her ears to block out their voices.

She has started taking anti-psychotic medication to block the breakdowns but so far they are not really working, and the lack of sleep and nutrition only make the whole picture worse.

On top of everything else, Lesy and I have to go back to work soon, and although Simon has been very helpful, he said we can't wait any longer.

If only I could find a way to rid her mind of the ghosts invading her

Perrie pov

I feel Jade watching me from the doorframe, I want to talk to her but my messed up mind won't let me. I want to go back to her, but there's a war in my head and however it turns out I'll lose.

What I told her after the deposition was true. Alex will find me and kill me. If not now, in a month, a year or ten. It makes no difference.

He promised and I know he'll come back for me. That's the last thing I remember when he tried to kill me that night in the hotel.

That night...

There is no way I can forget it. I remember every detail because I really thought those would be the last minutes of my life. I remember thinking of Jade, seeing her coming to me. She was beautiful. And I thought that if that was to be my last moment on this earth, at least I could spend it with her. The idea of death had scared me for so long... but that night death no longer seemed so scary. It just seemed to be the end of pain. And I was fine with that.

The truth is, I think Alex had already killed me, not that night, but long before. He took away too many parts of me that won't come back and now I don't know who I am. He took away my love, my faith in people, the possibility to love. It took away my baby before I even knew I had one. It took Jade away from me.

I know it is up to me now. I could go back to her, but after all... who would want a broken and damaged person like me?

She says she still loves me and I know I never stopped, but I can't ruin her life, I can't let her throw away her life and her sanity to stand behind the shell of myself. The Perrie that Jade fell in love with no longer exists. And I know she will do anything to bring her back, but you can't bring back someone who is dead.

I really thought I could go back to being the old me.

When I sang with Leigh or cooked with Jesy, when I let Jade hold me and take care of me I really thought things could be better, but I only had to go back there for a minute to see everything fall apart again.

I cannot let Jade continue to pick up the pieces and fix something that is beyond repair.

I had written that only she could fix me, but that was a long time ago and I no longer believe that.

Jade deserves better than what I can ever be, deserves more than what I can ever give her. And the sooner she accepts that I can't come back, the sooner she can move on. She doesn't need me. I would only be a burden to her, her life, her career, and I love her too much to let her make this mistake.

Even if she will never know, I am doing this for her.

What could I possibly offer her that someone else, a better person than me, could not give her?

How can she have a relationship with someone who is terrified even by her own family? Who has not seen her friends for months just because they are men?

How will she be able to be with someone who can't even leave her room for fear of being attacked?

Also... how could she ever be with someone who is afraid of her?

Yes... I'm afraid of her

I am afraid that one day she will realise that I will not be able to give her what she wants and she will leave me, again, breaking my heart, again.

I am also afraid of me

That I will never be able to connect with her, to make love to her.

Just the thought sends shivers down my spine, and not in a good way.

Yet, deep in the back of my mind, I remember that I was happy, but it's like a blurry, distant image that I'm not sure I actually saw. It's like I remember experiencing it but I can't really feel it.

Part of me wishes she would reach out and hold me, make me forget Alex and make me remember her just by her touch. But all the other parts? They're terrified of her, or anyone else, approaching me like that.

What a mess...

My mind is just one big mess and my thoughts are getting more and more confused.

And now, like every time the thought of Alex pops into my mind, I see him here. He is sitting on the edge of my bed, stroking me gently and I feel his skin on mine. I wish he would go away, I wish he would leave me alone. But he is always here, waiting for me to give in again.

I feel so small and helpless

I feel so weak and dirty

I'd like to tell him how much I hate him, how he has ruined my life and I'd like to tell him that it's not true that I'm nothing without him... but the truth is I don't believe any of it.

I feel so lost without him

And I know it's wrong. I know I should hate him, but for some reason I can't. Not yet. I wonder what Jade would think of me if she knew my thoughts. She would probably think I've gone completely crazy.

Maybe I am

Or she'd think I wanted it, that I was agreeing to it. Maybe she thinks it's my fault, even if she doesn't say it doesn't mean she doesn't believe it.

I feel like I'm drowning in the middle of the cold deep ocean and no one can save me, even if they hold out their hand to me it's impossible for me to reach them and rather than take them down with me I decide to let myself go into the darkness.

But every time I think of losing myself in the darkness my heart tightens and aches and it is like this pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

Maybe that's it

Maybe with Alex I did everything to survive because the pain made me feel that I was still here, I still existed. And the more he hurt me, the more I felt I was alive.

And now that the pain is gone what is left?

It is as if the centre part of a shattered vase is missing, and without that missing piece, the fragments can never be glued together.

Jade

Jade. I tried to forget her for so long... I believed I could never see her again, but I have always been hers and I will be hers until the end.

If I chose to go back what would happen? Could I still make her happy? Could I still love her and let her love me?

Jade seems to be the only light amongst all this darkness, just the thought of her tugs at my heartstrings, just like the pain used to, but this time in a good way. Maybe... maybe if I went back to her I could still feel alive?

Maybe Jade is the missing piece

But what if I'm wrong?

What if I'm not her missing piece?

I need a sign that I too am important to her, that I too can still care for her and that I too still have a purpose.

I need a sign I can still be useful in this world too, even if it's just making one person smile would be enough for me.

Jade pov

I don't know what to do. Every day I see her like this a part of me dies and I can't find a solution.

It's not possible that Perrie came back to us only to leave again.

Is it?

"Hello, love... how are you feeling today?" I ask her as I enter her room and sit on the edge of the bed, "Would you like me to lie here with you and read you a book?" I try again but I know she won't answer.

And indeed she doesn't answer.

"I was thinking about Harry Potter" I tell her smiling and although she is looking at me I know she is not seeing me but something else or someone else.

I start reading the first book of her favourite saga, trying to imitate the characters' voices but keeping my voice low so as not to scare her.

I just want a sign that she is here with me, that she can see and hear me. But nothing comes. It reminds me exactly of the months in a coma, but at least then she was asleep, now she is awake and it hurts like hell.

I keep reading until I can no longer hold back the tears and sob desperately, "I need you, baby. Please come back to me"

Suddenly I feel a light touch on my arm, but my eyes remain closed. Maybe I too am going mad and this is just a hallucination. I cautiously lift my head from the book and turn towards her, I see her fingers grazing my arms and her eyes looking at me and I know she is here with me.

"Please stay with me," I beg her, "I need you, I need you here"

She doesn't answer and I fear she is back in her mind again.

"Why can't I hold you in the street?Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?I wish that it could be like thatWhy can't it be like that?'Cause I'm yours

Why can't I say that I'm in love?I wanna shout it from the rooftopsI wish that it could be like thatWhy can't it be like that?"

Is she singing?

She is

And I am enraptured by the beauty of her voice as if in a spell. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to say. So I do the only thing I feel.

"'Cause I'm yours" I say in a whisper with tears in my eyes. She looks at me intently and her hand runs softly over my cheek taking away the tears.

"Yes, you are" she tells me tenderly. We stare breathlessly at each other. The desert meets the ocean just like the day she woke up in the hospital.

"Stay with me" I whisper because there is nothing else I can do. She nods and sighs.

"There's something I want to do, but I need you to stay still," she tells me in a low voice. I nod because whatever it is I want her to continue to stay with me. I don't care if she cries, screams or tells me she hates me, as long as she stays with me.

She slowly approaches, we continue to look at each other, facing each other in her bed. I feel her hand run through my hair and fix a lock behind my ear.

My heart stops beating, or it beats too fast, I don't know. I don't care. I feel shivers on my skin where she gently touches me.

Now her eyes are closed, I see her chest rise and fall and I continue to remain still for fear of breaking this moment. She blinks and now looks at me and moves closer, we are only a few breaths from each other, it would only take a breeze for our lips to meet, and I can't wait for that to happen. I've been waiting for this moment ever since I saw her again, but I won't move.

Then I feel them.

Her lips meet mine and the fireworks in my stomach celebrate her return.

Her lips linger on mine and I taste every detail, her flavour that is like a drug, the softness and warmth that I have been waiting for so long. That I have searched for so long after her but no one has ever been able to give it back to me.

There is nobody like her

Perrie slowly moves her lips to mine and now I don't know if I should kiss her back or not. I want to do it, I want to show her how much I love her, but she asked me to stay still and I'm fighting against myself to do it.

I lose my war

And I move, in rhythm with her, our lips taste each other and I can feel the salty flavour of tears. I pull away for fear of frightening her and realise she is crying... and smiling and her eyes are full of the light that illuminates my heart and her dimple I love is visible in the dim light of the room. Then I realise that I too am crying with her.

I move closer again, slowly, and wait. I want this moment to go on forever, I want to feel her on my lips again, but I wait for her to decide.

I close my eyes as I realise the moment is over, but I am wrong. Her lips touch mine again in a kiss full of regret and forgiveness. It is sweet, there is no malice or lust, only pure and unconditional love. Our tears come together and the salty taste is sweet.

We part only when the air becomes a problem but we do not detach, her forehead resting against mine, my hands tightly held to hers.

We breathe as if we had just run the New York marathon and I feel my heart leap out of my chest. I can't help but smile, a smile from ear to ear that reaches my eyes. I feel complete, I don't need anything else. I have everything I need right here, in front of me.

Perrie rests her head against my chest and I wrap my arms around her.

"Don't leave me, Jade" she whispers but I can hear her.

"I won't. It will never happen again, love"

I promise

It's almost time to sleep and I get up to go back to my room when I feel her grab my wrist.

"Stay with me" she asks me whispering. I say nothing but nod as only one word exists in my mind.

Forever 

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A/N - Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C