Chapter 23 - Going Back

Chapter 23 - Going Back

TW - Mention of physical abuse and rape

Jade pov

A month ago we moved into our new house. It's nothing fancy, but it's a twenty-minute drive from Jesy's house and half an hour from Leigh's. Just in case.

The rent is high but the neighbourhood nice, and besides I didn't want to spend all my days looking at rental houses staying away from Perrie for too much. And this should only be a temporary arrangement until we figure out what to do with the other house. I have serious doubts about us going back there, I personally don't want to and I think it will be just as traumatic for Perrie, in fact for her even more than it will ever be for me.

Home should be the place where you feel safe but for my Pez now that place just means bad memories and danger.

She's almost back to normal now, at least with us, although I've noticed that, while with Leigh and Jesy she's more willing to talk and have contact, with me she's still intimidated. I guess it's different for me, both because I'm her ex-girlfriend, because the things I said to her and the way I made her feel are unforgivable and because she thinks I expect her to have sex with me.

After that occasion in the kitchen we never talked about it again, but I can see it in her eyes that sometimes she is still scared of me and never lets me touch her or hug her for too long. It's not that she refuses, she's still not convinced she can say no to me, but I see the fear in her eyes and so I pull away to show her that I won't do anything she doesn't want. She will be the one to take the first step when and if she feels like it.

I can't say I'm indifferent at all, I miss Perrie in that way, I miss her skin, her lips and her kisses, I miss her curves and her expression when she reaches orgasm. I miss feeling so connected to her in a moment just between us. And I don't know if she will ever want to do it again. Or with me.

I thought that Perrie, after what I did to her, might hate me and look for someone else. It would break my heart knowing it was my fault in the first place, but I'll never do what Alex did, I won't force her to get back with me if she doesn't want me anymore.

However, I don't think that's her first thought now. I don't think she's thinking about a relationship or connecting with anyone. All this is still too much for her and first she has to get back to trusting people by realising that not everyone wants to hurt her.

When her family came to visit her, just three weeks ago, we saw how insecure she felt thinking they could hurt her too. With her mum things are going well, like us, Debbie is also slowly regaining her confidence, with Caitlin and Ellie it wasn't so bad, but with her dad and brother Pez seemed to be moving on a bush and the fear never left her eyes.

Perrie still hasn't met Zayn or Harry or any of the rest of our friends. She says she doesn't feel ready yet and they respect that by giving her time to recover. My baby continues to see Dr Blossom twice a week and I know things are going well with her. Perrie trusts Cheryl completely and often when I am waiting for her in the waiting lounge of the office, I hear my love's loud and sincere laughter. I wish I could make her laugh like that again. For now it doesn't happen, but I will get there.

Today things aren't going well, Perrie is sitting on the couch in the small living room biting her lip and tearing out her fingernail peels waiting for Agent Jareau to come in and take her statement. I told Pez that if she prefers I can just be in my room but she asked me to stay and so I will.

I know I will find out more today, especially what happened in the months between when Pez and I broke up and before she left for Liverpool. I admit I'm not sure I want to know, this will only amplify my guilt since Perrie was coming to work during that time and I saw her every day but was too angry to pay attention to the signs.

On the other hand, today will also serve to remove the many doubts I have about the whole thing. Perrie talked about blackmail but never said what it was, and I will also understand how he convinced her to go to Liverpool. I expect to be a part of this story and I am ready to take responsibility.

The sound of the doorbell fills the silence of the room and Perrie looks like a deer caught in the headlights. I look at her softly and squeeze her hand, she nods, implicitly telling me she is ready. I get up and go to open the door, in front of me I find the blonde woman I had met that day in the hospital and already all the memories of that horrible day flood back into my mind.

She gives me an understanding smile and I see that she is alone, "Good morning, Agent Jareau, how are you? I was expecting to see Agent Morgan too" I say smiling at her and inviting her in.

"Good morning Miss Thirlwall, Agent Morgan and I thought it would be easier for Perrie if it was just me, Agent Morgan said to warmly greet you"

I nod and thank her, leading her into the living room where Perrie is waiting for us in obvious nervousness.

"Hi Perrie, it's nice to finally meet you in person, I'm Special Agent Jennifer Jareau but you can call me JJ if you want" the blonde says softly, "Don't worry about today, we have all the time you need and when you want to take a break you can tell me and we'll stop"

Perrie smiles and nods and lifts her trembling hand to shake it at the agent. Then she points JJ to the chair right in front of her and the blonde sits down with cautious, elegant movements. Next she pulls out a notebook and a tape recorder.

"I'll record our conversation, that way it can be used during the trial and unless specifically requested it won't be necessary for you to go to court" she smiles warmly as Pez and I nod in understanding.

"Okay, Perrie, when you are ready we can start"

Pez closes her eyes and takes a long, deep breath, then squeezes my hand and nods, "I'm ready"

"Alright, let's start at the beginning, how did you meet Mr Oxlade-Chamberlain?"

Perrie tells all about everything from our fight to the night with Zayn and Alex, she says he seemed like a nice guy and comforted her when she was talking about our relationship on the rocks, then she says they got drunk and the next morning Zayn offered to drive her home so the paps wouldn't photograph her in her hangover state, but then Zayn had to rush to the hospital when his partner called him saying he'd been in an accident.

"What happened next?" Agent Jareau asks.

"Alex offered to take me home, told me to go shower while he made breakfast and so I did" Perrie pauses and inhales deeply, "By the time I got back to the kitchen he had everything ready, I felt comfortable with him but then he started talking shit about Jade, said if it was him he'd never take a woman like me for granted and other things like that"

Asshole!

Although he was partly right...

"And then what?" JJ asks as she jots something down in her notebook, Perrie looks at me and I see shame and guilt.

"Love, if you prefer I can go in the other room" I tell her thinking she doesn't want me to listen to this part.

"I don't want you to know, you'll think it was my fault" her eyes already watery.

"No, baby, I wouldn't think that. It wasn't your fault, no matter what you say I'll never think it was your fault" I reassure her.

Perrie nods and wipes away her tears, then takes my hand and looks at me intently "Then stay, I need you"

I squeeze her hand and Perrie reciprocates, then turns back to Agent Jareau, "I told Alex that the conversation was getting uncomfortable and that I'd better go home but he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go, I asked him to let go several times and then he started pushing me until I was trapped between him and the wall.... Alex tried to kiss me and when I pushed him away he... started beating me and then I collapsed..."

Perrie tells of when she woke up to find him on top of her with the phone in his hand, then the worst part, she tried to push him away but he wouldn't stop despite her pleas.

I'm draining every ounce of strength in my body as I try not to cry and let my anger overcome me. Perrie says Alex took pictures of her and threatened to publish them everywhere, ruining her career and private life.

"... he said no one would believe me and no one would care, that Jade would leave me as well as everyone else and if I told anyone there would be consequences..."

Then he let her go and he started calling her day and night to see her. He didn't do anything else to her until the evening I went to Jesy's house and he came to our house.

Again she tells everything, the events, the details and what she felt. It is always harder for me to listen but I promised her that I would be here for her and I don't intend to break my word.

Pez says Alex ordered her to break up with me but she refused and the next day, after I had kicked her out of the house, she received another threat from Alex who told her that if she didn't do what he told her there would be even more consequences, so he sent her the address of a motel and she went there.

"... he locked me up there... he would come every day and.... beat me, then-"

"Perrie, if you want we can take a break" Agent Jareau looked at her kindly.

"No-no. He would come every day and beat me, then he would impose himself on me, against my will. Sometimes I would try to push him away but he would hit me harder and then I started to let him do what he wanted. Every day he repeated to me that Jade had never loved me, that she had only used me and eventually I started to believe him. Alex had said that Jade had seen the rape video and abandoned me, so I started hating her and thinking she didn't care about me. When he wasn't there, he locked me in the room, I tried screaming and calling for help but no one ever came, I had no phone and there was no TV. I didn't know how much time had passed then..." Pez stops again, shakes her head, Agent Jareau and I look at each other confused. I can feel her hands sweating and shaking.

"I used to wake up feeling nauseous most mornings but I thought it was from stress, but" She looks at me and I realise what she is going to say, "I can't, Jade. I'm sorry" tears stream down her cheeks.

I give her a firm squeeze and lift her chin, "It wasn't your fault, love. I already know that. I found the letter. It wasn't your fault" she looks at me with wide eyes and rests her head on my chest as I squeeze her. We stay like this for a few minutes and I kiss the back of her neck until she calms down. She wipes away her tears and clears her throat.

"One day he came and I had never seen him so angry, he beat me up harder than ever and said I should meet the girls the next day. It had been two months..."

Two months locked up

"When he stopped I felt a stabbing pain in my belly and found blood. So I realised the reason for the nausea and that I had just miscarried. I don't know whose baby it was, whether Alex's or..."

"Mine" I say looking at her, now tears are also streaming down my face thinking about what we could have had if only things had gone a different way.

Agent Jareau looks at us confused so I explain that I am intersex, she doesn't comment, she just looks at us with empathy and a bit of sadness.

"Perrie, do you want to take a moment?" The blonde asks, Pez nods and I decide to make tea for the three of us. As soon as I try to get up her eyes go wide and she clings to me with her life. I whisper to her that everything is fine and that I will be right back and then she lets me go. As promised I return a few minutes later with tea and Perrie's favourite biscuits.

"Take your time, whenever you want we can go on" Jareau says.

Perrie takes a few more sips of her tea and then resumes her narrative. She tells of the months during the recording of Salute, Alex had become even more violent and had started drinking. He was constantly threatening her, telling her that if she told anyone about it, it would destroy my career and her family's private life as well, and furthermore, none of us were willing to listen to her. He allowed her to call her mother but only ever controlling her every word.

Then he started insisting that she should have left the band and after our argument in the coffee shop she decided to quit.

"... After I left the band we stayed at the motel another four months. Alex would get more and more drunk and after he finished with me he would sometimes fall asleep, usually the pain was too much to move but one night I waited for him to fall asleep and then I grabbed the key and ran outside. I managed to get to the stairs but Alex was behind me and he took me back inside, he beat me until I passed out and when I woke up I was tied to the bed, I had scotch tape on my lips and I couldn't move or scream... he wasn't there..." her eyes are blank and I know she's not here anymore but she's back in that room. In that motel where she was a prisoner for eight fucking months.

How could I let this happen?

In her mind she is there again. I squeeze her hand and see her return to me, just for a second, then her mind wanders back into memory.

"I was tied to the bed for four days, when he came back he told me to get dressed and be good. He made me get into the car and then gave me pills. He forced me to take them and when I woke up we were in Liverpool"

Stop

Stop!

"Perrie, what happened in Liverpool?" Agent Jareau asks, but Perrie doesn't seem to have heard her. Her gaze is still blank.

"Pez?" I shake her hand but no response, "Love, look at me, you're safe. Come back to me, you're safe" I whisper to her softly. She looks at me and I know she is back here and now.

"What happened once in Liverpool?" the blonde repeats.

"He took me to a house and said it would be our home from then on. He had stopped drinking and started playing football again"

"What did you do when he wasn't around?" asks JJ.

Perrie laughs bitterly, "Nothing, he would lock me in the basement and release me when he came back and it would start all over again"

Oh my God

This is a nightmare

How did she survive?

"He told me that if I behaved he would never tie me up or lock me up again, he told me to keep the house clean and make sure I was a good girlfriend. At first I didn't play along, every time I was free I would mark on a desk the day I was free and look for a way to escape, but every day it got worse and eventually I gave up. I no longer tried to escape, I started doing what he wanted and he became nicer and nicer. He stopped beating me"

"Did he stop beating you?" I ask her in surprise.

She nods and sighs, "Yes, I started doing whatever he wanted and he stopped beating me. When he got angry I offered myself to him and even in sex he was gentler. I didn't want to do it but I was too tired and didn't want to suffer any more. I'm sorry, Jade. I'm sorry"

"You don't have to, love. You did what you had to do to survive. That doesn't change anything. Anyone in your place would have done the same, baby"

"At one point I think I loved him. I had convinced myself that love was like that, that he was right because I had become better and as promised he had stopped hurting me. He took me out to dinner or to the park, he took me with him on trips to Paris, Madrid, Rome and he was always kind. He made me laugh and told everyone I was the best girlfriend in the world" she smiles sincerely through her tears.

"But then he changed again, didn't he?" Jareau asks.

"Yes, one night he had invited some friends over, there were five of them. One of them kept looking at me and I didn't like the way he was staring but Alex didn't seem to notice... when I was coming back from the bathroom the man dragged me into our room and started groping me. I screamed and Alex came right away and started hitting him saying that I was his... I was his slut and no one could touch me without his permission" again the tears become insistent on her face and she starts shaking her head closing her ears with her hands.

"Perrie. Look at me, you are safe. Look at me"

"N-no! No! Please stop!" She starts panting and I know she's about to have a panic attack.

Agent Jareau approaches and she too speaks softly to Perrie telling her that everything is fine and that she is safe. After about ten minutes she manages to calm down.

"Perrie if you want we can go on another day"

"No. I have to"

"Alright, but you can stop if you want... So Alex and his friend got into a fight, then what happened?"

"His friend pulled out his wallet and told him he would pay him for... if Alex would let him have an hour with me. Alex didn't seem to want to do it but he kept looking between me and the money and then agreed, I begged him to change his mind but he didn't. He went away and left me with his friend" another pause and again she is no longer here with us but she is reliving the trauma as if it is happening now.

What kind of human would do that?

"W-when he finished he left me there. Alex came to the room and told me I had been good but that he had other guests and I had to be good to them too. There were four others and they all... they all did it"

I squeeze her hand but this time she gasps and pulls away.

No, please, not again

"Look at me, love, it's me. Jade. I'm not going to hurt you"

Perrie nods but doesn't move closer, "Since that night Alex kept inviting them over once or twice a week, then others I didn't know joined in. They would take pictures, videos and spend all night r... sometimes they would force me to say I liked it and if I didn't they would get more violent. Sometimes I would pass out but they kept going and other times they would force me to take pills, I didn't understand but the next day I would feel the pain and see new bruises and sometimes I would have flashbacks of what had happened the night before. I remember Alex watching and laughing, sometimes he would join in"

I am disgusted

"Alex started beating me every day again, there was no way to stop him, he had become even worse than before. And every time his friends came over he would... whip me with his belt or burn me saying that I was his and that he owned me, that he could decide who I would have sex with or if and what I would eat or whatever"

Son of a bitch

"How long did this go on?" now Agent Jareau also looks hesitant.

"It started a couple of months after we arrived in Liverpool, up until the night before we came to London so... about six months I think" Perrie speaks but by now there is no emotion in her voice. It just sounds dull and hollow.

I have no words

I can't say anything

"It's fine Perrie, you did very well. We've identified most of the people in those photos and I promise we'll do everything we can to find the others too" Agent Jareau speaks but I don't think Perrie is listening to her at this point. I thank her and walk her to the door.

When I return Pez is in the same position, she clutches her knees to her chest and her body trembles as only a few tears chase down her face.

I sit next to her but keeping a little distance so as not to upset her.

"I'm here, love. I won't leave you"

"He will kill me" she says simply without emotion.

"He promised. He will come back and he will kill me" 

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A/N - Hope you enjoyed the chapter and see you at the next update! ❤️

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Thank you for reading and take care 🌈🍪

- C