Chapter 36

My body violently shakes, despite checking my face in the mirror a thousand times for the burn from the acid and seeing nothing but tear stains on my cheeks, I can still feel it. I can still feel the sharp burn and the foul smell, as though I am still in the simulation. I don't know why I have a fear of snakes, I have had it for at least 7 years. It most likely comes from when I learned about them at school. Just thinking about the unnatural green eyes, the scales, the hiss, the venom, their ways of killing is enough to send shivers pulsing throughout my body. I sit on my bed just quietly listening to Bayley's constant crying and watch Jason neatly make his bed. I move my knees up to my chest and tuck my head into them and nearly fall asleep until I hear that vicious, throat twisting voice which boils my blood. 

"Aw, has the Stiff had a hard day. Don't worry you can still drop out." Jessica says folding her arms. I turn my head away from her annoying face. "I'm really not in the mood Jess. You know what happened last time you pissed me off." I say with a lack of emotion. Though I am still retaliating a little. I know Erudite hate having informal and shortened down names. 

"You got lucky Stiff. And a reminder that worked against you didn't it? You should know not to play games you can't win." I can barely hear her voice over Bayley's sobbing. I turn my head to face her. "Well I suppose I got lucky at capture the flag as well." I say with a fake smile that stabs Jessica's diminishing pride. There are bags under her eyes, her hair is a mess with strands all over the place and her skin grey and bruised. She puts her face closer to mine and I get a sniff of her breath, butter. "You had better watch yourself." She grits her teeth before walking away. I put my hand under my pillow and feel a rough square that crumbles to my touch. I grab a hold of it and pull it out from underneath my pillow.

 “Meet me outside by the train track, tonight at six. Connor.” 

The piece of paper says. I have to read it several times, Connor's handwriting is the neatest I have seen so it is unusual to look at. I check the time on my watch, it is half four now. I set my alarm for half five. My watch isn't much, just a grey leather strap and a white face with black numbers. One of the few things I still wear from Abnegation. I lay on my bed and slowly close my eyes. 

A slight buzz on my wrist and a quiet bleep is enough to wake me up. The lights that hang from the ceiling are on meaning it is getting dark outside. I quickly brush my hair and put on Connor's hoody. As expected it is bigger than my usual clothes, my arms barely pass the sleeves and the bottom of it passes my hips. But the soft cotton is comfortable on my skin and it smells of Connor (lime and ginger) I walk out of dorm and quietly past Aspin and Ryan talking from the corner of my eye I see Ryan put his hand on Aspin's shoulder. I notice Aspin crying and within seconds they hug one another. Close aren't they? 

I make my way outside and underneath the flickering street light I can finally see Connor nervously waiting for me. He chomps on his nails and runs his free hand through his hair. I wipe away any tiredness from my eyes and smooth-en my hair and check my breath. Strawberries. That's OK right? He fixes those natural eyes on me and he winks causing heat to flush to my face and the butterflies to begin to fly. He rushes over to me and hugs me. I slowly put my hands on his warm back, even through his thick red jacket I can still feel every bump of his muscles. He kisses my lips and plays with a strand of my hair. "You Ok? Girlfriend?" He asks. I get a tingling feeling on that word 'Girlfriend' It is strange because I have never been called it. I think Tobias scared most boys away from me. I move my tongue around my dry mouth. "Yes what about you Boyfriend?" I ask. Even his face reddens from the word 'Boyfriend' But despite the joking his face turns serious. 

"No. I'm not ok." He whispers. "I saw Jeanine here again, with Max in that computer room. She had that look on her that I know too well. She is planning something with help from the Dauntless." He says constantly looking over his shoulder.

A lead weight hits me on the chest. "And if they can manipulate Dauntless to help theme in their wicked schemes, then who knows what they are capable of." I say. Visions race to my mind. I get clear pictures of the city in flames, grey robes on the floor covered in blood and Jeanine in her office overlooking the window and laughing as all the chaos unfolds in her hand. And I agreed to help her in all this. Connor wraps me up and rests his head on top of mine. "No matter what happens we'll be ok." He says. 

But that doesn't worry me, what worries me is the other people. The other Divergents, Tobias, Tris and the good people in Abnegation. Not to mention the other people we care about, Olivia, Shayne. Dauntless with their weapons and soldiers with the brains of the Erudite they can be unstoppable.

"I hope so." I say quietly. 

The next morning we are back in the simulation. Only this time I am facing a new fear. The fear of drowning. I am standing in a glass box and water rapidly rises to my ankles then to my knees within seconds. I bang my hands against the glass panes hoping that they will smash or that I will grab the attention of those that are watching. I see them all; Connor, Tobias, Tris, Shayne, Olivia. They all watch blankly and are as still as statues and as focused as a hawk.

"Help! Help!" I scream as the water rises to my waist. I put both of my hands against the glass pane and begin to collapse. I can't get out of this. The fear and the feeling of panic have all vanished and have been replaced with despair. I look up to see Tobias still watching, he hasn't moved an inch off his spot.

And then I remember his words, "Look for a way to stop it."   I stand to my feet by now the greyish blue water is coming up to my chest. There has to be some way to stop it, there has to be some crack in the situation I can use to save my life. The feeling of despair has gone and been replaced with hope. Hope is what whispers when despair has taken over, hope is what is at the end of a tunnel, hope is what  keeps us alive. Without it, we would all be dead by now. I move around the cube with water beginning to fill my mouth. I stare at the reflection and I see a pipe in the bottom right hand corner of the cube. The source. I have to stop the source. I remove the jacket I am wearing to expose my arms and the scars which cover it. I take a breath and scrunch the jacket up and firmly wedge it into the pipe which stops the flow of water. And the simulation fades away and slowly I open my eyes and Tobias removes the silver pad away from my temple. He smiles and speaks, "Well done kiddo you did good." He says quietly. Despite the compliment I don't smile I just sit up and tie my hair up into a ponytail. "What is wrong kiddo?" He asks sounding more concerned. 

"C-can we meet tonight I want to talk to you about something?" I shakily ask. He nods. 

"I was gonna ask the same thing kiddo, meet you tonight after dinner at the parlor." He replies. Honestly that tattoo parlor is becoming my little haven for my on going defiance. Like a secret headquaters for my own little faction. The faction for those who don't fit in. Divergents, factionless. 

"Thank you Tobias." I say. He smiles and I walk out. Looking down to my feet. If Erudite and Daunltess are preparing an attack on Abnegation and Divergents then I need to warn those I care about. I need as much help as possible. I clutch onto the idea of hope being the only option left, pretty much 24/7 of my life.