Chapter 4

Sitting in that therapist room I felt the opposite of peace.

No.

Instead I felt fear, dread and shame.

I had been told to lay backwards on the long sofa, a pillow just at the top of it for me to rest my head.

I think the therapist was trying to do her best to make me feel safe and at home.

But like I said, I felt the opposite.

"Anna..."

Her words were soft-spoken, her voice slow and calm.

I didn't say a word.

"When did you first start seeing these..." She seemed not able to finish her sentence. But finally, she got out the simple word. A word that could mean nearly anything, "People?"

"You mean the dead people..." I responded back just as slowly as her and she cleared her throat uncomfortably.

She nervously nodded her head and I decided to finally answer her.

"Since last summer..."

"And you say they're 'ghosts' from the past?" She asked me slowly and still stayed calm, but her voice went up a bit in a worry-sounding way and I replied back, almost cheekily.

But I was never usually one to make fun.

"Well, they aren't ghosts from my present."

"A ha ha!" She laughs just then and I roll my eyes away from the ceiling where they had been directed for most of this session so far. I turn them to look at the woman and I finally get a good image of what she looks like.

Young, probably early thirties, with her dark black smokey hair being tied up loosely in a bun. There were some strands still, though, hanging down around her face and I would even call her pretty.

But I didn't care enough to make this distinction.

"Sorry, sorry..." She said, excusing herself from her laughter and unprofessional response.

"It's okay," I say back slowly. I turn my eyes back to the ceiling and I add weakly, "I wish I could make more people laugh."

"You're a foster child, aren't you, Anna?"

Do you have to spell it out like that? I quip at her in my head, but I say nothing for a second before finally replying.

"Yes."

"You lost your biological family before you had any proper memories of them?"

It's like she was being paid to make fun of me, make me uncomfortable.

"No... none really," I say back to her, but my voice now is filled with distaste at her mannerisms.

"The one you say you saw first, was that of your grandmother, am I right?"

Well, you sure aren't wrong.

"Yes..."

"Her name was-"

"-Marnie, yes." I interrupt then which is a rare thing for me to do.

"And when you see her... she is the same age as you?"

I hate all these questions. I hated them to the core. I didn't want to answer this woman anymore so I quickly pulled back even more of my responses.

Only ever answering with a 'yes' or a 'no'.

And she kept asking more and more from me... just leave me be! I felt deep in my heart. Leave me to my 'delusions' if THAT is what you think they are...

After the session was finally over I walked out of the room, my eyes now directed to the floor and my foster mother came in after I left the room. The door was closed... but I could hear everything the two were saying to one another.

"She's very withdrawn... doesn't like speaking to others."

"She is very shy," I heard my foster mum reply to the woman and my teeth clenched tightly together in my jaw... I didn't want to hear this about me, but I couldn't walk away from it either.

"I wouldn't call her shy completely though... it's more so, she just doesn't want to put in the effort."

"So what do I do?" My foster mum asked the woman. My eyes were hurting as I glared now down to the ground.

"Get her to open up... but don't patronise her. I could feel she hates being spoken down to."

How would this woman know anything like this? I only had an hour session with her and I spoke less than two whole sentences.

"Thank you very much," My foster mum returned her words to this woman before coming out and I was still standing only inches away from the door... so close I had heard everything, and SHE knew it too.

"Anna,"

"Don't talk about me behind my back..." I snapped at her, my heart hurting inside, but I knew deep down my foster mother hadn't done anything wrong.

"Anna, I didn't mean to-" Before she could make amends I only did a cold march out of the building and to her car.

I stood at my side of the vehicle, just waiting for her to open the door for me, and my mother sighed in sad despondence, clicking the button on her car key, the lights of the vehicle blinking to show the doors were now open.

I slam into my seat, my blue eyes staring coldly ahead and she sits on the other side where the steering wheel helms.

"Anna, I..." She is looking at me, her eyes almost like puppy dogs, so I don't even bother looking into them less I feel sad or guilty for my actions.

"Let's just leave..." I say, and she sadly nods her head. The car starts up and we're gone within minutes.

But I can feel my heart thudding hard in my chest... as anger grows deep inside of me... only one person I wanted to see.

Marnie...

And that was why tonight was going to surprise and astonish me.

~x~

I was deeply asleep, my room soundless and small. I just had my bed pressed against the wall beside a large window, with blue curtains pulled closed across it.

My eyes were closed tightly as I tossed and turned from a dream I couldn't barely remember the second I was awoken by that sweet calm voice.

"Anna..."

My eyes blinked groggily open but flickered completely awake when I saw who was sitting next to me on my bed.

"M-Marnie!" I gasp, and she puts her finger to her lips as she says to me-

"Shush! You'll wake up your mother!"

"She isn't my real mum..." I tell her back, my words icy as I speak them.

Yes, for a while now I had thought of my foster mum as my real mother... but since I started seeing Marnie and Emily, her reactions to me made me upset...

And in turn, made me distrust her once again.

"How are you here?" I asked in a quick whisper and Marnie only giggles, her head tilting a little as she does this.

"Your home is within the boundaries of my own home."

"This isn't my home..." I say on, my words cold and distant as I say them and Marnie reaches for my hand in hers, squeezing it a little to give her support.

"I wish I could just be with you," I admit guiltily, but it is the honest truth.

"You will be... one day," Marnie says back to me slowly, and I crooked my eyebrows up, confused as to having heard this.

"I just..." I say, my tears welling in my eyes and she wipes one of them with the sleeve of her dress, "I just wished I could be with you and away from it all..."

Marnie smiled weakly back at me, before giving me a warm gentle hug and I nearly fell asleep again from her such tender touch.

"You will be... just hang on for a little time more... I'm always with you, and you with me."

She leans away from me again, blinking her eyes closed simply before opening them once more and finishing.

"For we carry each other in our hearts.."

I nod my head weakly in reply and when I gaze my eyes down to the ground, I nervously lift them back up, only to realize...

She is gone again.

And my heart hurts.

But I know now why... I was carrying her deep in it.

And all I wanted to do was leave this world for the next...

But that wouldn't come to me anytime soon...

Though, the thought of leaving this world stayed with me for the remainder of the night.

~x~

Soon I was in the detention room in my school. And I was there by myself.

There was only one teacher there with me, a man, and he was reading a newspaper at the top of the class, sitting down behind his desk. His feet were plopped up on it actually as he leant back on his chair, just reading away at the daily news the paper unfolded to him.

I sighed heavily, dropping my head into my arms, resting it there till I suddenly heard a voice say to me.

"Anna..."

I slowly lifted my eyes up from my table and looked to see Emily standing there in front of me.

"M-mum!" I yelped, and she quickly put her finger to her lips to warn me to stay quiet.

The teacher barely moves from his position.

When I saw her make the gesture, I realized how similar she was to Marnie right then.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper, almost in a shocked gasp.

"You haven't come by to see us in the last few days."

"That's because I got in trouble over it," I tell her back in a harsh quiet reply.

"If you say so." Emily just tells me, sounding hurt but I think she was trying harder to sound indifferent to me, But I knew deep inside... she did care for me.

"Come walk with me after your 'detention' is over." She responds again and just walks out of the room.

I watched her go, my heart drumming like a bongo, and I quickly glanced back ahead at the man reading his paper.

I sigh heavily in despair at my predicament but I wait out the last hour and as I begin to leave the school building, I see Emily waiting at the gates.

My chest tightens up, my muscles tense in my legs and as I approach the spirit of my real mother, I see someone else is beside her.

And my heart lights up in glee.

"Marnie!" I shouted happily, running over to my young grandmother's ghost and Marnie gives me a warm hug.

"We've been waiting for you," Marnie says to me then, before reaching down and taking my hand. But Marnie doesn't even dare touch me in this moment.

The three of us walk towards the city park, and Marnie and I are just laughing at jokes and funny things that we're talking about.

Emily stays quiet though, walking beside her mother who was the same age as her now in this moment of time.

"I never pictured you as a daredevil, Anna," Emily finally says and I look at her warmly, a happy smile now on my face.

"I guess I get it off you," I joke to her, and Emily stilts back for a moment. Shocked I think from what I said, but then a small cheeky smile rises up on her own face and she walks beside us once again.

"I'm just so happy to see you both." I say, tears of joy nearly in my eyes till someone suddenly yells.

"HEY!"

We all freeze, looking behind us and seeing a grown man in a business suit, a suitcase in his grip, staring at us.

Or more so, gawking would be the word.

"Y-yes, sir..?" I ask him, afraid now in myself and he only stares at me flabbergasted.

"Who are you talking to?"

...

I didn't know how to respond to him.

I slowly looked from one side to the other... realizing they were gone.

Marnie... Emily...

I'm here by myself and I smile sadly at the man for ruining my moment with the people who actually DO love and care for me.

~x~

As I'm sitting on the sofa again in the therapist's office room, I feel nothing inside.

Just counting down the seconds when I can be with my best friends again.

The therapist asked me then.

"What do you think about when you're alone, Anna..?"

"Me..?" I respond to her, sounding confused, but really I was just acting it as I didn't want to continue this conversation, "Nothing..."

"Do you think of the 'people' that you say you see..?"

I gulped slowly, nodding my head weakly before I uttered some words that could barely be heard.

Understood...

"What's that, Anna?" The woman asks me gently and I repeat in my head.

I just want to be with them...

I didn't repeat this out loud.

I want to be dead...

"Anna..?"

"I just miss them, is all..." I replied finally, and I closed my eyes, remembering what Marnie had said to me.

You won't be waiting long...

I didn't want to wait anymore... I didn't.

But what were my choices..?

And then I knew, it was only just one choice...

Death... or no death.

"Anna..?"

"Yes..?" I asked back weakly.

"Tell me, what's in your heart..?"

Marnie... I think sadly to myself, Emily... I continue to think.

"Anna..?"

"Home," I say to her at last, leaving her no longer in suspense, "Home where I want to go..."

She nods her head, thinking that I'm talking about my foster home, but I'm not.

Home to me wasn't a place, it was a person...

And so I wanted to go home to her...

I think I wanted to die.