LETTING GO

ZHAN POV

In loving memory of Wang Yibo;husband, father and friend1997 - 2025I crouched down and put flowers next to the tombstone that was unveiled months ago. My kids were back home and I decided to stop by here on my way to Bin's place. It was his birthday today, July 3rd. If he were still here we would've been celebrating his 30th birthday.

"We miss you." I whispered, standing up. Ithasn't been easy without him on either of us, but they say life goes on. Even if going on feels as hard as fighting gravity itself. Don't be afraid if he would whisper to me and hold me whenever he haunted my dreams I love you Zhan, everything's going to be okay.

For a moment I would believe that; thateverything was okay, until morning came and he disappeared. I turned and walked out of the cemetery and got in my car. I thought back to the conversation I had with Mom before they left forChongqing a week after the funeral."How are you holding up?" She askedscrutinizing me; I grimaced

"I'm okay, sometimes." I said, and she smiled sadly

"I know it hurts hon." She said.

I swallowed the lump in my throat; I doubted she knew exactly how much it hurt.

"How did you do it mom? Move on from Dad?" I asked, because I had no cluewhere to go from here.

She sighed,

"I never moved on from your father." She said then she paused; Mom never remarried or even dated after Dad passed.

"But I couldn't wallow in grief forever."She added.

"It was hard, but with time I found a reason to smile again, you and your siblings were that reason." She said slightly smiling."Hey, come on in." Bin said hugging me and I stepped into his nicely decorated lounge, Bin's taste in décor suited him well.

"Is Gio around?" I asked; his relationshipwith him has blossomed since he got rid of Celeste, he had a glow to him and I was happy for him. He shook his head

"It's just us only, remember?" he said,

"How are you?" he asked.

"I'm fine." I said automatically, he didn'tseem convinced but he didn't pry.

He and I talked for a while, and he told methat Gio proposed to him.

"And I said yes." He chimed and I genuinely smiled hugging him

"That's great Bin! I'm really happy foryou." I said and he said thank you.

"Come on give me all the glory details, what did he say? What did you say...?" I said before he stopped me.

"That's not the only reason why I called you over." He said

"How are you, really...and don't you dare feed me that whole I'm fine crap." He added.

Taken aback I averted my gaze, he sighed

"I know you miss him." He said and I looked at him then and nodded

"Yeah." I said.

He paused scrutinizing me then he threw his arms up

"You know what, I don't care if you'll resent me for this later but someone has to do it." He said, I raised my eyebrow at him

"Someone has to slap you out of this zombie state you're in."

He added and I immediately understood what he meant.

He took a deep breath and shook his headsadly

"You're here with us, you eat you breathe, you sleep, you do all the things the rest of us do. But your dead inside my friend."

He said. I dropped my gaze, he was right, a part of me died too and I didn't know how to fix that.

"You're being strong and knowing how much you loved that man I commend you." He said and my throat tightened as I looked at him.

"You're being strong for Zhen Xin, Fan Xing and for everyone else; except you. You don't have to be strong for me though..." he gripped my arms

"Its okay not to be okay when you're with me." He added and I saw tears well up inhis eyes.

He was trying to tell me and show me that it was okay to cry, and I did in what seemed like a long time. I let the tears silently fall down my face.

"I'm trying." I said taking the tissue hehanded to me

"That's all I ever did since he died and I feel like I'm failing." I said.

He shook his head

"Everything you do is for your kids and you're a great mother and father Zhan, never doubt that." He said.

"They are the ones holding me togetherBin." I said

"Sometimes I wish I was in that plane with him but they couldn't lose both their parents." I said shaking my head sadly. I took in a shaky breath

"You want to know how I 'am?" I said and he nodded.

"Sometimes I really feel like I'm okay but sometimes it just feels like I'm hanging by a thread. I can't think about him or even dream about him without feeling incapacitated. Its killing me...it kills me and I don't know what to do about it." I said and he gathered me into his arms. Holding me until I stopped crying

"You never gave yourself a chance to properly grieve and let go." He said.

I thought I was grieving every second ofeveryday.

"Its only then that you'll be able to cherishall the memories without it hurting so much. Allow yourself to grieve, don't always be so strong." He said and I nodded.

What he didn't understand is that I wasafraid of letting myself fall apart, afraid that I might not be able to put myself together again. He hugged me again

"Things have a way of working themselves out Zhan, I know that's cliché crap but they do." He said repeating my own words to me.

I slightly smiled, Bin was golden; I couldn't have asked for a better friend.When I got home I was surprised to see that everyone had assembled in the lounge. My kids, Mari, Zela, Lee, Jeffrey, and Vier even a few of the guards.

Fan Xing jumped off the sofa and came over to me grabbing my hand

"Come on Mommy." He said and I followed him to the sofa.

"Since Zhan is here, lets begin." Mari saidwith a smile on her face. I looked around the room and they were all wearing smiles and cheerful expressions.

I got it then; they were going to celebrate Yibo's birthday weather he was here ornot. I felt deeply moved by that gesture.Everyone took turns wishing him a happybirthday and saying why they think he's the best.

"Daddy is the best because he was my number one fan." Fan Xing said and everyone laughed.

It was sweet and comforting and somehow funny as everyone said their own praises.

"Yibo is the best because he is everythingthat I ever wanted and needed in a husband and the father of my children." I said stroking Zhen Xin's hair

"And he brought all of you into my life." I added with a smile, which they all returned with a series of aww's.

After dinner I tucked Fan Xing in, and wentback downstairs. The mini party went on until everyone retired for the night. I went to my bedroom and got into my pajamas, I sat on my bed thinking about what Bin said.

I finally decided to go to the one place inthe estate I've tried to avoid by all means, Yibo's study.

I entered into it and closed the door behind me. I could see why I'd avoided it; everything remained unchanged and I could easily visualize him. Rotating in his leather armchair with a devilish grin on his handsome face. Looking for a book in his massive shelf with his dark brow furrowed. Somehow I smiled as I made my way to his desk and opened one of the drawers. Retrieving his scrapbook, my first ever Christmas present to him.

I went back to my bedroom with it and sat on the balcony opening it up. I haven't looked into it ever since I compiled it and handed it to him. I didn't know if he kept adding to it, but he seemed to treat it more like a diary than a scrapbook. I smiled as I saw a picture of us taking our first dance With this ring I thee wed the most beautiful person in the world. He wrote below the picture. I chuckled as a tear escaped my eye.

With every page I turned I smiled andchuckled, at our life together perfectly documented. Our honeymoon, my first ultrasound, the day we brought Zhen Xin home, our holidays together, Fan Xing as a newborn; All of those precious pictures and moments pasted in the book with his own little messages at the bottom. The last picture in the book was of Fan Xing at hia small 3rd birthday party.

Happy birthday my angel,Daddy loves you.

He wrote at the bottom. I closed the scrapbook and held it to my chest, letting myself feel everything. For once I would fill this night with him, with his memory. I took my time looking back on what has been the best years of my life.

I silently wept and remembered every profound moment as though it was yesterday.

"You promised." I whispered staring at thestars that always shone brighter than the others.

"You promised you'd never leave me."I thought I told you I always needed you I thought wrapping my arms around my legs.

He was my air; I breathed him to survive. What was I supposed to do now with oxygen only chocking the life out of me?I silently prayed that one day the saying'time heals all wounds' would actually be true for me too. I knew I could never truly be happy again, but I could find serenity.

Until then I had to pick up what was left of myself and carry on. I chuckled without humor, I wondered how I was going to make it till tomorrow, let alone the rest of my life without him. One thing I knew was that I just had to try.I wiped my face, got up and went back in the bedroom and got under the covers. I pressed my lips to the book

"Happy birthday my love."

I whispered and put it in the drawer ofmy nightstand.