Struggles

It's been 3 weeks since the last time I saw Mark.

How is he coping up? 

I was only able to see him on TV. He looked fine, but well, he's just doing his job.

The band and I had been busy putting together songs for our next comeback. When I worked, I only concentrated on working, but when I get home my thoughts were flooded with Mark.

"So, what are your plans for your birthday?" John sat down beside me on the couch in our practice room. "It's just two days from now."

"Arrgghhh....don't remind me." I whined.

"What present do you want?"

"A miracle worker?" I said to him nonchalantly.

"Woah," he moved back. "For what? Is something going on?"

"I just thought, you know, somebody who could make this life more .... how should I say it? ... uhm...brighter?" I shrugged.

"That's too lame," then he said, "but, I'm here, right? I could brighten your day anytime." He put both his hands under his chin and he actually looked cute.

I laughed at him. "That face," I traced the shape of his round face, "would bring in the storm clouds." I finished. I laughed again.

"Yah, Kris," he pouted, "I'm the best you could get in this mean world." 

"Then I would just die," I chewed out.

"Ah....that hurts." He put his hands up to his heart and acted like he was just stabbed there.

"What the heck are you two doing?" Daniel came in and sat between me and John.

"I'm hungry, Noona. Feed me." He whined.

I pinched both his cheeks. 

"My cute little baby," I told him.

He acted even cuter. "I want meat."

"Ok, then, let's go eat."

"Why are so kind to him and harsh to me?" John complained.

"I'll feed both of you," I giggled.

"What about me?" Sarah came in the room.

"Ok, let's all go." 

We went to a nearby cafe. We gave our orders to the kind waiter.

"Mark has been acting up these past few weeks. What's with him?" I overheard a male voice talking from behind me. 

"He's just going through something, hyung. Let's just not bother him for now." A familiar voice said. Is that Junior?

I peeked over my shoulder. It is him. He's talking to JB. Are they talking about Mark? 

I positioned myself so I could hear them better without them noticing me.

"I'm just worried. He's losing weight fast. He just stays in his room." JB said.

"I know. Well, let's just watch him. There's nothing we could do."

"Do you know what's bothering him? Can't you tell me?"

"Hyung, it's a bit personal. I can't tell you myself. In time, he would tell you."

"Okay. Just tell me when it gets worse."

"Will do, hyung."

They ARE talking about him. Is it really that bad? 

I've noticed how thin he got on TV.

"Kris," John was snapping his fingers at me. "Are you listening?"

"Uh? What?" 

"We were talking about a concept for the title song."

"Oh? What kind of concept?"

"Kris?" Junior was standing right beside me. 

"Hey, Junior," I looked up to him. 

"Sunbae," the three stood up and bowed in unison.

"Annyeong," he waved at them with a smile. Then he looked at me again in a more serious face, "do you have time? Can I get your number? I have to tell you something."

"Sure, anytime." I took his phone and dialed my number and pressed 'call'. "Here."

"Thanks. I'll call you soon. Enjoy your meal." He took his leave followed by JB who greeted us before going out.

"Wow, you two are close, ha?" Sarah elbowed me.

"He's a sweet guy," I said.

"What's with these GOT7 guys? Why do they hang around you all the time?" John sounded a bit bitter.

"It's not like that," I looked at him.

John's eyes became darker and I could see he was a bit irked.

Our food came just in time and we finished every crumb.

"That was satisfying," Daniel said, rubbing his tummy. "Thanks, Noona."

"Now that everybody's full, let's go back to work." Sarah stood up and lead us to the door.

What does Junior want to talk to me about? Does it have something to do with what Mark is going through? I wonder.

______________________________________________________________________

                                                                        MARK

It's been weeks and I still couldn't get over the fact that Angela did that to me. 

My mind is still full of emotions. Why can't I just let it go?

I haven't eaten regularly. I busied myself in practices and performances. When I'm at the dorm I stay in the room and think. I refused the guys' offer to go out and unwind. 

I needed someone to talk to, but who? 

Junior would talk to me and give me comfort at times but it's not enough. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be with my family. I just wanted out of all these.

I tried asking JYP for a vacation, but he said our schedule's all packed. The earliest I could go home is in October. That's 3 months from now. 

Ever since the incident with JB, all the other members have been bugging me to tell them what the problem is. I wanted to, but couldn't. How can I tell them I've been cheated on by a girl. My pride ruled over.

Do I still want to be with her?

"I still love you, I still want you," her words replayed over and over in my mind.

Should I just forgive her and forget it ever happened?

Everything and everyone around me, including my friends, were starting to get further and further away. I've been pushing them away. I feel like the only thing keeping me here is....aaggghhh....I don't know. 

I'm like a robot now. Just following orders. Working, practicing, sleeping. What else can I do?

My whole life became meaningless. Now, I'm just one guy in a group of idols. 

Can I just leave? What can I do outside GOT7? 

School? It's too late for that. Another career? But, what?

Should I just go back to the States and start a new life? Doing what?

Ever since I've started training, I've never imagined myself outside this industry. Now that I'm in this situation I regretted not doing anything else aside from spending sleepless nights practicing dances and raps and flips.

I've talked to Junior one time about this. Of course he told not to leave. But, that is easy for him to say. He doesn't know how it is killing me.

"Hyung," Jackson interrupted my thoughts. "Are you awake?"

I was supposed to pretend to be sleeping but he already came in the door and saw me.

"What is it?" I asked him. I tried to mask my emotions as best I could, so I smiled.

"Since we don't have to wake up early tomorrow, the guys are planning on going out tonight."

"I'll just stay here," I said.

"And do what?" He asked. "Come with us." He looks like he's pleading.

"Where are you going?" Maybe I should go out with them. I feel like the four walls of the room are closing up on me. 

"There's this new club just 30 minutes away from here. Let's go try it out. They said it's really good."

Might as well go out and get some fresh air. "Ok, I'll be ready in a few."

"Yes," Jackson jumped up. He acted as if he just won the lottery. He ran out the door and told the guys to wait for me.

"It's good you came," JB rested his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah," I said, "just don't punch me on the face again. It took me days to recover from a broken nose."

"Haha. Deal."

The club was very modern. It has a really spacious dance floor and the tables around are not too crowded. We seated ourselves and gave our orders. 

"Let's go dance," Jackson pulled JB to the dance floor and started scanning the rooms for girls. 

"We're so glad you came, hyung." Junior sat next to me as soon as the two were out of earshot.

"Yeah!"

"Just enjoy the night for now."

"I'll try."

They tried to pull me to the dance floor but I just wasn't in the mood to dance.

"Is anyone sitting here?" A girl came over to our table and pointed at the chair next to me. 

"Yes," I said rudely.

"You can sit here," Jackson offered his seat and he sat at the empty chair beside me.

"Yah, why are you being so rude?" JB whispered to my ear.

I just shrugged my shoulders.

I can see the girl flirting with the guys. She even gave me a wink. I just looked away and took a gulp from my glass.

"Can I call my friends over?" The girl said. I think her name's Tina.

"Sure, as long as they're girls." Joked Junior.

Three more girls came to our table. Jackson called the waiter to ask for additional chairs.

"This is Ha Neul, Soo-bin and Kris."

I looked up at the mention of a familiar name. My heart skipped a bit. 

It's not her.

Junior saw my reaction and came up to me. 

"Do you miss her?" he asked. 

"I don't know," I answered.

"Do you wanna see her?"

"I don't know."

"Do you still like her?" 

"I don't know."

I really don't know.

She came to mind from time to time but the hurt I was feeling was stronger.

One of the girls started talking to me. She was trying to make a conversation. 

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

I just looked at her. How can girls be so easy?

I pulled her to me and kissed her on the lips.

"Is this what you want?" I asked her.

"Yah," she pushed me away. She looked shocked. She stood up and left. The other girls followed.

"What are you doing?" JB stood and grabbed my collar.

"I'm sorry," I just said. "I need to go." 

I stood up and left the club. I could hear the guys calling after me. I hailed a cab and went straight to the dorm. 

What am I doing?