15.0 lose them, lose yourself

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being able to wrap your hand around your wrist and still not actually touching it because there's still enough space.

being able to wrap both of your hands around your upper thigh.

maybe, being able to see a few ribs sticking out, without having to suck in your stomach.

being able to see how your face slowly gets smaller.

that were some of the many reasons for minho to continue.

114 lbs. that's the weight minho decided he wanted to be. sure, he would be underweight with a bmi of 17.6, but all those pretty boys in the magazine were as skinny as that too, so it shouldn't be a problem.

if he managed to do that, maybe he could go a little lower, just so he could stand out a little. bmi 17 sounded better anyway, it would probably look better, too.

and having that plan for yourself is easy, but having sudden, unexpected competition makes everything a bit harder...

it started like this:

six weeks later, minho had finally dropped under 125 lbs.

with a rather disbelieving nod, he stepped off the scale and looked at the number beneath him. this was such a big milestone, he had worked off his ass for this number to show on the scale, he had gone through hell and back, just to see this.

in the last few weeks, he had slowly seen the number on the scale drop (and sometimes rise), little by little. he had waited for this to happened so desperately, but now that he saw those numbers, it was a lot less euphoric than he expected it to be.

in minhos imagination, in his little romanticised version of what he was becoming, hitting this milestone would've been overwhelmingly great. he expected himself to be proud of himself, to be happy with all the progress, but after all this, this number was just another number too high to be satisfied.

he was still 11 lbs away from his actual goal weight, not to mention that he weighted himself after throwing up for the second time today, so that probably wasn't his actual weight anyway.

and, thinking about it, minho still looked exactly the same in the mirror he always looked into. sometimes, on good days, he was able to feel his hip bones slowly starting to poke out, sometimes he was able to feel his ribs whenever he lifted his arms, but that still wasn't enough.

because on bad days, minho could feel his thighs rubbing together and his arms filling out the whole hoodie he was wearing. sometimes he could feel his double chin when he laid down and see stomach bloat like crazy.

as long as he didn't look like those boys, as long as he wasn't dangerously underweight, everything he did wouldn't be enough.

he didn't care about the dangerous parts of it, no, he just pushed all those symptoms aside, ignoring them completely.

he ignored his scrubbed open knuckles and fingers, how the skin on his hands slowly started to peel off. he ignored his constant throat pain, he ignored the pimples around his mouth and even on the worst nights, when his stomach was hurting like it was about to burst, minho would still eat all the meals he was supposed to eat, just to excuse himself to the toilet right after, because that was easier for him than refuse to eat at all.

no, he didn't care about all those symptoms. he didn't care about his foggy brain and his lush movements, how he couldn't even dance the choreography as sharply as he used to. as long as he wasn't thin enough, as long as he wasn't perfect enough, minho couldn't stop. sometimes, on nights he thought he would die from the throbbing pain, minho wouldn't even complain. but he needed to stay alive for now, if he were to die, he had to die skinny at least.

no, no, what was he thinking?

"what the hell", minho only whispered, pushed down his hoodie again to hide his stomach and opened the door to walk into the living room, where chan and jisung were sitting on the couch. he accidentally left his phone in the kitchen - he would just quickly grab it and go straight to his room again to change.

as his footsteps hit one of the squeaky tiles in the room, chan and jisung both turned around, the younger of them, for some reason, immediately cocking a brow as he saw the other. minho stopped in his tracks, fiddling with the sweater paws his hoodie gave him.

"what?", he only asked as he uncomfortably stood in the middle of the room, two pairs of eyes carefully inspecting him like he did something wrong.

"you good?", chan asked in english, the australian accent popping out, even though he only spoke two words. minho crossed his arms as he felt his cheeks start to flush.

"sure, why?", he only answered and finally started walking towards the kitchen again - for some reason his eyes felt tired, almost droopy. was it the constant teary eyes he had while throwing up?

"your eyes, they're kind of-", jisungs started and narrowed his eyes to look at minho better, who just started to regret the decision not to go to his room right after purging like he always did. why was he so stupid and forgot his phone?

"your eyes are bloodshot", chan finished the sentence for jisung, who just silently agreed to the statement. minho immediately stopped in his tracks again as he finally understood what they were talking about. he hadn't looked at his face after looking at the scale for so long. he completely forgot to check if he looked suspicious.

fuck.

chans voice sounded harsher than minho was used to and he felt himself crumble a little under his leaders words. turning away a little, minho only shrugged.

"can you come over for a second?", chans voice didn't change. minho wanted to sink into the ground.

"I just wanted to get my phone so-".

"just come over for a second, please".

minho bit his lip, but turned around regardless and walked to the couch. anxiety spiked up in him as he saw how the two boys looked at him and quickly lowered his head. this was not going to turn good.

minho kind of felt like a kid about to be scolded - the way he fiddled with his fingers and how his head hang low in front of the two was almost ridiculous, considering that nothing was wrong anyway.

"aren't you hot in that?", jisung finally spoke up and pointed at the black hoodie - minhos extra wide comfort hoodie. minho only shrugged.

"not really".

"it's still summer".

"so?", he quickly snapped, trying to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. but the other two wouldn't let that happen, that's one thing he was certain of.

"the last time I saw you without a hoodie and sweats was at our last performance, minho", chan stated and slowly got up to be on the same level as minho. jisung just watched the situation. "what's wrong?".

minho only stared at the floor. "ya, hyung, it's nothing, seriously I-".

"to be blunt", jisung suddenly butted in, standing up too and walking towards the dancer. "we are worried about you".

minho swallowed, far too nervous to speak up.

"your skin is pretty bad lately, I've never seen you break out like this. you've got crazy eyebags, man, you drown in your clothing and now your eyes are bloodshot, stop sugarcoating everything and tell is what's happening".

how weird.

everything minho wanted to happen was that someone noticed him. he wanted someone to notice how bad he was doing, he wanted someone to notice all the weight he had lost, all the suffering, all the pain.

for a moment he remembered the night he was clutching onto his own chest, hugging himself tightly and letting bitter tears stain his pillow, wishing someone would just embrace him and hold him for a second, wishing someone would tell him everything would be okay.

this felt a lot different than he made it out to be.

why did everything he imagined to happen turn out to be completely different?

"nothing is wro-".

chan took a step forward. "cut the shit", chan almost seethed and minho couldn't help but feel his chest tighten. by the sight of that, chan quickly seemed to realise the effect his voice had on the younger and sighed. "just answer the question. is something stressing you out?".

minho couldn't answer.

"how did you get your eyes like this?".

minho didn't find an excuse.

chan sighed again. this time it wasn't anger, it was just a sigh of not knowing what else to say. minho kept pushing them all away, there was nothing they could to about it. minho felt himself being so close to crying, it was frightening.

he couldn't cry now, then everything would be a hot mess. he wasn't supposed to cry, he wasn't supposed to be fragile, he wasn't supposed to-

his rush of thoughts suddenly stopped when two strong arms wrapped around minhos body. chan held minho close and the younger allowed himself to rest his head on chans shoulder, letting out a sigh. it wasn't like he imagined it would be either, it wasn't as comfortable and minho ended up standing awkwardly in chans arms, but it was nice. it was kind of nice to be held for a second.

when minho looked straight ahead, it was jisung who was watching him with a face he couldn't read. it was jisung, who seemed to want to say something, but couldn't bring himself to do so.

"you've become so small", chan whispered and minho stiffened as he finally realised than chans hands were touching him, feeling him.

you've become so small.

no, no he hadn't.

he's gotten so weak.

-

later that day, minho sat in the studio together with chan and hyunjin - hyunjin was already behind the glass with headphones on, finishing his last takes for the song.

chan, minho and hyunjin had decided to put out a surprise song for stays a while ago. the song was meant to be touching - a lot of high notes and the few rap parts with an emotional tint.

minho watched hyunjin carefully.

the way the younger seemed to just glide over the sheet of paper with a voice like honey was incredibly mesmerising, and minho quickly found himself feeling humiliated.

the other was everything minho aspired to be. talented, pretty, tall, skinny. he was the perfect example of perfect.

his eyes stayed on hyunjin and minho took another sip out of his mug filled with black coffee. his face must've looked intimidating, but he couldn't bring himself to stop staring.

jealousy. what a stupid feeling.

he knew his voice was kind of great. but it wasn't as great as the others were. he wasn't a great rapper, but he was never able to hit the high notes as gracefully as seungmin did. he wasn't able to rap as fast as changbin though, or to be an allrounder like jisung was. his voice wasn't special like felix', there was nothing interesting about him.

his dancing started lacking, too. he wasn't as great as hyunjin was, he never even thought he could compete, but he couldn't even compare himself with felix anymore. time over time his dance moves had gotten less precise and he was the only one who knew why.

what was he even doing in a group like stray kids anymore?

minho blinked and finally dropped his eyes to the paper in his hands.

he was supposed to record after hyunjin, so he waited next to chan, nervously stretching his neck and mumbling the lines to himself.

no matter how many times he read them, the words just wouldn't stay in his brain. it was awful. knowing that he was supposed to be in the same room as hyunjin was, in just a few minutes, felt overwhelming. he already knew he was going to mess things up.

"minho?", minho quickly lifted his head and looked at the leader. his mouth was dry out of fear. "you don't need to be nervous, we have all day to record".

"I'm not nervous", minho quickly lied and tried to spare a smile, only to be betrayed by his nerves.

"you're super pale", chan sent a comforting smile back, worry glistering in his eyes. "are your eyes feeling fine?".

"they're okay, hyung", minho only hummed and looked back at the paper in front of him. his lines weren't even that hard, why was he overreacting like that? "I'm jus' tired".

chan only nodded, already defeated by minhos pushing away again. "alright, jinnie. you're done now. you can go back to the dorm, if you wanna. I'll see which of your lines we can use for the final product".

hyunjin nodded and put off the headphones, grabbed his jacket and came out of the room with a proud smile. "thanks! I'll stay with you here a little though, I can't eat what the others are eating right now, so I'll grab something later".

minho suddenly stiffened. without any thought, he quickly blurted out a question. "what do you mean?".

hyunjin stepped forward, corners of his lips upturned into a smile, almost teasing in minhos eyes. "well, I am on a diet, so".

and that's when minho finally understood;

slowly but steadily he had not only lost weight, but also all knowledge, empathy and emotions for himself and especially his members, too.

his own mentality had broken down before his very eyes, slowly and painfully minho felt like he barely even recognised the man in front of him he once would have called his friend.

everything hyunjin did or didn't do, everything hyunjin said and didn't say, it all felt like a competition to minho; even though it was one sided and not a lot to compete over since hyunjin wasn't even trying to lose weight in the first place.

but now that hyunjin was trying to lose weight, there was nothing minho could see in him other than competition.

and that hurt like someone had just stabbed him in his chest.

"oh, alright".

minho quickly stood up, the paper still in his hands, his finger wrapped so tightly around it that his scraped open knuckles turned white. "is it my turn now?".

"oh, yeah, go on".

minho went into the glass room and put the headphones on, ignoring his shaky hands and his throbbing head as he stood in front of the microphone.

with a half hearted smile, he looked through the glass and saw hyunjin giving him a thumbs up with a big grin. minho only nodded and turned his head back to the sheet of paper he placed in front of him, reading it one last time.

and the flowers vanish each winter, like you, if it was spring, I'd know what I could do.

it's not so bad, he told himself, over and over again until chans voice came through the headphones.

"you know the drill, lino", chan only said and just now minho noticed how tired his leader sounded. he probably hadn't slept a lot the last few days again. was he even doing okay? "I thought about starting the line with a harsh tone, then slowly starting to get weaker by the end of the line, can you do this?".

minho nodded. he had to get this right. if hyunjin already did so well at everything he did, all minho had to do was too keep up. he couldn't fail now - even if his palms were sweaty and his legs weak, he just needed to keep up.

"I'll play it now".

the music sounded beautiful, even better with chans part already on it, it was nice to listen to something he didn't hear himself on yet.

his part came closer and closer, minho swallowed one last time, opened his mouth and-

"fuck, sorry hyung".

missed his part.

"I'm sorry, I missed it. can you play it again?".

chan stopped the music, cocking a brow. regardless of his expression, he nodded and spoke up again. "ready?".

"yeah", minho answered and quickly shut his mouth as he heard his voice slightly wobble. wiping his sweaty palms on his sweatpants, he read his line again.

just one line. don't. fuck. it. up.

the beat came again, chans voice sounding just the same as it did before. he imagined how seungmin would sing this part, opened his mouth to sing and-

his voice broke.

only two words in and his voice croaked, resulting in minho coughing like an idiot and turning to the side to grab a water bottle.

he quickly sipped some water, but his throat didn't feel any different. it was sore, totally damaged and hurt as if he had the worst cold ever.

he knew it wasn't from a cold, of course.

throwing up three or four times a day didn't have a lot of perks.

"fuck", minho whispered. tears started to dwell up in his eyes and he quickly blinked them away, trying to hide the rising outburst in his chest. his fingers were shaking violently now and minho felt the air in the room getting hotter. the big hoodie didn't make it any better, not to mention that his legs felt like they were about to give up.

not another panic attack, not here, not now!

"p-play it again", minho quickly murmured and ignored hyunjins quiet "you can do it!", before the beat played into his headphones once again.

right when his part came, his mind blanked - the lyrics were somewhere in his foggy mind, but he couldn't remember and by the time he opened his mouth to sing, his voice croaked again and his part was over.

"FUCK!".

minhos voice echoed through the room and hurt his own ears through the headphones, which transferred his voice through the microphone straight back to his ears again. the sudden noise made his legs go numb and within seconds they gave up, resulting into minho falling to his knees with a loud thud.

he was so tired. his hands couldn't grab anything, they were shaking too much, his legs couldn't even hold him up anymore. his ears were ringing and god, his head hurt so much, it was barely bearable.

minho was chocking up now. his chest was too tight to breathe in, he felt like the room was suffocating him. his head. his throat. it all hurt so much.

I can't dance, I can't sing, I can't be pretty, I can't be skinny. what am I doing here? what am I doing in stray kids? why am I under JYP? why am I here? I wanna go, I wanna sink into the ground and die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to-

"FUCK!", minhos fists hit the ground beneath him and the pain shot through his arms to his shoulders, making him flinch. with both embarrassment and anger swirling inside of him, minho lifted his hands and put them in front of his face.

the door to the room opened and two pairs of shoes rushed towards the boy sitting on the ground. chan was the first to arrive - he sat down in front of minho, clearly out of breath from the shock. "lino!".

but minho couldn't listen. his mind was playing tricks on him again, it was so stupid, having a panic attack in front of the others because of such a stupid reason, but his brain couldn't think straight. thoughts were wildly spinning in his head, not a single thought loud or quiet enough to understand, but loud and quiet enough to drive him crazy.

why couldn't he just die?

just like earlier in the dorm, chan quickly wrapped his arms around minho and brought him close to his chest - this time minho wasn't sure how he felt about it, but as soon as he felt himself sink into chans gentle embrace, his legs went numb and a single sob escaped his libs.

one sob became two, then three and minho ended up sobbing into chans shirt, wetting it with hot tears and saliva. it was disgusting, but even more embarrassing.

chan sighed. minhos heart clenched. he was the burden now, he always has been. chan was tired enough already, he didn't need someone else crying in his arms, too. all he wanted to do was to stop crying, to tell them he was fine, but his heart was beating too fast, the air inside his lungs wasn't enough and he didn't have enough strength to open his mouth anyway. all he wanted to do was apologise and get out of the room, but he feared that he would just collapse right back on the ground if he even tried to move a muscle.

chan whispered something about everything was going to be okay, just like minho wanted to hear it, but yet again, it wasn't like he imagined it to be. it felt like an empty gesture at this point. a throwaway comment that didn't mean anything.

the shuddering sobs minho was releasing were just wrecking him so hard that he couldn't even answer.

then hyunjin kneeled down next to him and ran his fingers over his back and minho shuddered again, this time because of the fear hyunjin could think what he was touching was fat.

fuck, no, let me go and don't touch me! I hate you, I hate you so much!

"I'm fine", minho finally croaked out between sobs, his voice rough and hoarse, too quiet for hyunjin to understand, but loud enough for chan to hear. he trembled in his leaders arms, who just held him through it all.

at this moment, minho longed for death so suddenly, so vividly, that for a short second, it felt like he had already died.

-

hi hey! thanks for reading this chapter, I hope you liked it.

just a quick announcement lol:

Im going to re-write some of the chapters while also writing new chapters because this is my very first english book and I don't like the first chapters anymore since my writing style changed. the story will be basically the same, but differently written, so don't worry.

thank you bye bye <3