2.0 magazine boys

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white.

clear.

breathe.

the building minho was walking in right now was surprisingly cold. he could feel the chill seep through his hoodie, right into his skin and quickly buried his hands in the pocket of his sweats.

despite the cold, minho could feel his sweaty hands stain the inside of his pockets. he bit his lip in an attempt to calm his hazy mind down, trying to force down all the thoughts that had piled up in his head overnight.

he couldn't forget what he saw in the mirror. not quite. and thought it didn't necessarily make him feel bad about himself, it made him just slightly, very slightly, unsure.

he was just a little unsure of stepping on a scale for everyone to see and judge, as they always did. just a bit unsure of the reactions he would get this time.

but not insecure. and not afraid. never.

minho always felt slightly uneasy in this building. not only did the white walls and the white furniture make the place look empty and sad, there was another thing that made minho feel a little colder. like he needed to shiver the moment he set his eyes on them.

hundreds of posters of underweight boys and girls were smiling at him as if he was the most hilarious thing ever. they covered almost every inch of the sad looking halls - no matter where you looked, somebody was looking back at you.

they couldn't be more than 120 pounds. the boys, he meant. the girls? no more than 99.

he saw their chest and shoulder bones, saw how their exposed stomach was so flat that they almost carved in and unknowingly lifted his hand to feel his - he couldn't see it but feel it instantly. he wasn't like them.

why did he feel kind of...jealous?

"ah, there you are!", between the blinding lights and mocking posters, an old woman stepped into the sight of minho and the group. her gray hair and sunken in eyes made her look like she was dressing up for halloween - maybe it was just because the bright light made her look as pale as a vampire though. "you're here for the weight in, ain't ya?".

this had never been a big deal before. as always, they were escorted into the weighting room - it was maybe as big as a class room, also covered in posters and meal plans and with a single, big doctor scale right in the middle.

minho grabbed the loose part of his hoodie. though the building was cold, it was a warm day, that was probably the reason, but he felt a single drop of sweat run down his forehead. he quickly wiped it away and formed his lips into a fine line. he had no reason to be nervous. he was fine.

jeongin was the first one to step on the scale. usually, minho would sit on his phone and scroll through his pictures until they were done, not listening to what his manager would yell after the other members stepped off the scale.

this time though, he couldn't help but listen closely.

did he just imagine it or did jeongin look skinnier than before? the way his long fingers rested at the top of the sewn end of his pants made minho gulp. he followed his every move. he was pretty.

"130 lbs".

was that a lot? no, no of course it wasn't.

then felix stepped on the scale and minho shifted uncomfortably in his place. he couldn't help but watch him with jealous eyes. what was he jealous of anyway?

"116 lbs".

minhos mouth fell open in shock. that was nothing and felix didn't even seem like it was a big deal to him. he just bowed slightly and stepped off the scale as the woman wrote something down on her clipboard. "felix, you're underweight, but you've lost the amount of weight I told you to since the last weight in. good job, keep it like that".

when felix turned around, minhos gaze fell onto the woman and the moment he saw her face, his organs scrunched together. she was smiling, smiling at the fact that felix was underweight.

minho dug his fingernails into the palm of his hands as he looked at her proud expression. he made her proud just like that?

would minho do that too?

the next to come up was chan. his expression was nonchalant as he stepped on the scale, probably thinking about the new album or dinner tonight. minho sometimes wished he could keep his cool as much as chan always did.

"147 lbs", she said as she wrote the number down on her clipboard. "when I see your muscles, it makes sense. keep it up, looks good for a man like you".

she patted chans shoulder as if she knew him well and shot him a smile that managed to send the creeps down minhos spine. chan thanked her with his usual business smile and went back to scroll on his phone.

"lee minho".

minho gulped as he pushed himself up from the chair he was sitting on. he had no reason to be nervous, he kept telling himself, he didn't understand why he was nervous in the first place anyway. besides, last comeback he weighted about 130 lbs, so there was no reason to be stressed at all...

right?

the picture of his reflection in the mirror popped up in his head and minho bit the insides of his cheeks in an attempt to get it out of his head. he just wanted this to be over.

breathing in one last time, minho stopped in front of the silver scale. it was pretty big, a scale like any other, but minho couldn't help but feel threatened by it. before he gathered up all his courage to step on it, his hands automatically travelled to his sides, pinching them just slightly as his mind drifted to felix. he isn't as thin as him - not big and muscly like chan or changbin are either. he's not as small as seungmin and jisung ...

he's just him.

he felt the softness around his edges and sunk a little bit more into his hoodie.

with that feeling he stepped onto the scale.

"141 lbs".

at once, minhos face dropped. he swiftly stepped off the scale, the three numbers vanishing back into the scale programm and leaving behind nothing more but an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of minhos stomach. nothing more and nothing less at that time.

"whoa", the woman turned to him. "you've enjoyed your break well, didn't ya?", she asked with a smile that was nothing but kind. minho couldn't answer, couldn't even lift his head to look at her.

"why do you weight so much?".

fuck, why did she say this so loudly? minho looked to the side and saw chan. his stomach churned and minho swallowed down the lump that had been stuck in his throat ever since he stepped into this building. he was just six pounds heavier than him.

everyone must've heard this. this was so fucking embarassing, minho just wanted to sink into the ground and never show himself again. she looked at him as if she was dissapointed - a complete polar opposite from the look she gave felix before.

"the fact that I can-", she lifted her hands and pinched minhos cheeks as if he was a baby. "pinch your cheeks like that and-", her hands slowly travelled down to his stomach, minho felt like he was at the petting zoo. he wanted to throw up. "and feel your stomach like that...".

she never ended up finishing that sentence, but minho could just imagine what she wanted to say.

"... means that you can't control yourself".

pig. the word echoed in the back of his head, silently, but it managed to send a shiver all the way from his cheeks down to his stomach. pig. pig. pig.

"look, if you really want to look like an idol", she started and fetched minho back into reality. "You need to lose ten pounds at least. well, that's the minimum. fiveteen if you really wanna look good".

biting his lip, minho turned around with a mumbled "okay", and dragged himself back to the others without looking at them even for a second. he couldn't bring himself to soo much more.

he knew what they were thinking anyway.

minho has been eating so much, of course he gained so much weight. what a loser. no wonder he gained ten pounds.

as much as he could, minho pulled the hoodie tighter around himself.

as the others finished the weight-in, minho's mind was still stuck at the sight of the numbers on the scale.

141. 1 4 1. 1. 4. 1.

he needed to lose fiveteen pounds to look good she said.

it became the first day of many, many difficult ones, in which minho slowly lost the definition of what it means to love himself for him.