Chapter 33

You know it hurts a lot when you realize the team you call your family, decided to up and drop you for the wolves.

I make mistakes too.

I make wrong choices too.

Why can't I be forgiven for them?

Not properly checking where Rumlow's was going to hit wasn't intentional. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I never meant for anyone to die.

But maybe that was just it.

I've never made a mistake before.

I've never failed.

Until now.

Maybe it's just my intellectual thinking.

Or maybe, it has something to do with the fact that I was lying, about what is really happening to me.

Either way, it was pointless.

You're nobody.

They see me as this beacon of light that could solve everybody's problem, everyone--but my own. And it pissed me off.

Alone. Again. Like you always will be.

The words were really getting to me.

At times I feel like dissecting my brain just to figure out who's actually talking. I don't know what I'd find.

But maybe the word I'm actually looking for is; crazy.

Yeah, I hear voices in my head that tells me I'm nothing. That isn't normal. It's not.

And I can't help but think back to the time when it first started.

I think it was the moment, I saw Loki's sceptre for the first time back in Sokovia.

I heard the call to it.

I felt the connection, between the six Infinity Stones.

But the voice, wasn't coming from the stones. It was coming from somewhere else.

I use to be able to ignore it. After all, it was only a whisper.

But that was before.

The very thing that's been making me powerful is also killing me in the process and the voice had taken advantage of that.

It had grown louder, to the point where I can feel as it speaks--as though it was right beside me.

The stones were the least of my problems at this point. I don't remember the last time I even thought of them.

They were nothing more but a distant memory compared to what's happening to me now.

I was dying.

This fact remained true.

My human body should have never accepted the change when Howard experimented on me with the Space Stone.

And yet, it did.

Even Thor could not believe a mortal like me was able to absorb an Infinity stone, let alone feel the other five.

It was an abomination. A darkness.

Abilities not known to mankind were given to me and it was used to do bad and good.

But people only see the power. They never see the person that had to wield it.

You see sometimes the things you're good at aren't a blessing. They're a curse.

And right now, the curse was coming to kill me.

I should be grateful I lasted this long.

Loki already told me that it never left me.

My connection with the space stone had been the only thing keeping that overflowing amount of energy from pouring right into me.

Now that's gone and for years and years, as time passed, it's been slowly trickling into my weak, human body.

I always thought it meant I had grown more powerful. I should've known that wasn't the case.

The problem would've manifested itself in some type of way. In this case, the manifestation was the blue burnt veins on my arms.

That, was when I knew, something wasn't right.

I only acknowledged it after I felt my body physically weakened over the staggering amount of energy I held.

Even then, I was still too late.

"Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honor, which is one more than you have." Rhodey points out having to stand up to argue with Sam.

"So let's say we agree to this thing," Sam retorts back, looking around at us. "How long is it gonna be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?"

Rhodey rolled his eyes, not buying into Sam's logic. "A hundred and seventeen countries want to sign this. A hundred and seventeen, Sam, and you're just like; No, that's cool. We got it. "

"How long are you going to play both sides?" Sam replies just as snappy.

I squeeze my eyes shut, holding back a sigh.

We've moved out of the meeting room earlier on, choosing to relocate to a more, peaceful place. That place being, the living room.

Most of the Avengers have taken up the couch, while some stood.

I had my back against all of them, choosing to gaze out the window

Steve was silently studying the accords while the rest of us remained non-verbal against Sam and Rhodey.

If this was ten minutes ago, when I pointed out to the team that they were hiding their true feelings about what happened in Lagos, the room would've exploded.

Vision was the one that had intervened, calmly asking us to relocate for a change of view.

Since then, no one has spoken a word about it.

We've been quiet. Too quiet.

"I have an equation." Vision neutral-tone voice came crystal clear, seemingly dampening the terse atmosphere.

"Oh, this will clear it up." Sam scoffed.

I tried to send him a calming wave only to flinch when my powers double back, hurting me instead.

Vision takes a deep breath when he holds everyone's attention.

"In the eight years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron Man, the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially." His gaze lingers at me and Wanda.

"...and during the same period, the number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commensurate rate."

"So you're saying it's our fault?" Steve puts the Sokovia Accords down and gives Vision a demeaning look.

"I'm saying there may be a causality," The man-machine shakes his head. "Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict... breeds catastrophe. Oversight--oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand."

In other words.

The more we fight.

The more the world fights back.

Just like that, Vision has made his choice.

"Boom," Rhodey looks at Sam, a look that meant; See?

Looks like two people already made their decision.

I can already see a train wreck coming.

"Tony, you are being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal," Natasha questions out loud.

She frowns at my brother who was laying on the couch in front of her with an arm against his eyes.

"It's because he's already made up his mind." Steve bitterly snaps.

The tension in the room instantly increased.

"Boy, you know me so well--" Tony sits up and gives Steve a hard glare.

Both men refused to back down.

The anger was familiar. It was the same anger that had grabbed hold of them when Vision was being created.

I turned around, looking at the two most important people in my life.

If they were important to me...

Why didn't they defend me?

Why didn't they stop Ross from saying those things?

Tony stands up and unbuttons his vest. He strides towards the counter where an array of drinks and snacks was placed.

"You know, actually--I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache." He pulls out a mug from the counter, speaking nonsensically.

"That's what's going on, Cap. It's just pain, it's discomfort--" He glances at the bottom of the sink and huffs.

"Who's putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang?"

He slams the mug down, causing it to clatter. The room goes silent upon hearing his silent rant. It's clear something is eating at him.

I feel it run through his body like ice.

Guilt.

He was feeling guilty.

Tony takes out his monitor and places it in front of us. He taps the screen twice.

It instantly projects to a smiling African-American young man.

I frowned upon seeing it.

"Oh, that's Charles Spencer, by the way," A bitter smile crosses Tony's lips and his out of control emotions tells me he was in distress and merely covering it up with attitude.

"He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. Had a floor level gig at Intel planned for the fall."

I had no idea where he was going with this but I can tell it's not good.

"But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul, before he parked it behind a desk, see the world, maybe be of service--" Tony cuts himself off, chuckling darkly.

"Charlie didn't want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do."

My brother picks up medicine tablets from beneath the counter, holding them tightly in his hand.

"He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor."

I shut my eyes when I realized where this is going.

"Guess where? Sokovia." Tony snaps the medicine tablet in half.

His words made me wince. We weren't innocent. We made mistakes. They were bound to hit us back.

Amina.

The name brings back a distant memory of Sokovia when I tried to save a girl only to fail.

Tony's uncontrollable emotions were familiar because the whole team practically radiated with them as well.

Each and every one of them hadn't forgotten about Sokovia. We remember every detail critically.

The people we couldn't save, the casualties amassed.

My already burnt up abilities flared around, grasping at their anger like bees to honey.

I am unable to repel it like I used to. Instead, I'm forced to take it, every single one--each emotion feeling like shards against my skin.

It was suffocating. Burning me from the inside out.

Breath. Slowly. Breath. Slowly.

"He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. I mean, we won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass."

Tony shoves the pill in his mouth, gulping it down with Coffee.

His brown orbs blaze with newfound determination as he finally steps forward, revealing it all for those to see.

He's made his choice.

"There's no decision-making process here, we need to be put in check!" He approaches the team. " Whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations, if we're boundary-less, we're no better than the bad guys."

"Tony, someone dies on your watch, you don't give up." Steve raises his gaze to meet Tony's, brows furrowed in rebuttal.

"Who said we're giving up?" My brother retorted.

"We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions," Steve's volume increased. "This document just shift the blames--"

"I'm sorry, Steve, That--" Rhodey shifted behind me, his emotions tells me he was offended. "...that is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we're talking about. It's not the World Security Council, it's not SHIELD, it's not HYDRA."

"No, but it's run by people with agendas, and agendas change." The Super Soldier already made his decision.

Even if he hadn't said it out loud, I can feel it.

"That's good." Tony tries to intercept. "That's why I'm here. When I realized what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands, I shut it down and stop manufacturing."

"Tony, you chose to do that," Steve sighed out loud. "If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose."

I could feel the rest of the team flicker in doubt.

Many of them were on the fence.

"What if this panel sends us somewhere we don't think we should go? What if there is somewhere we need to go, and they don't let us?"

Steve gives each member an earnest plea even though his eyes flicker past mine.

That hurt. A lot.

"We may not be perfect, but the safest hands are still our own."

"If we don't do this now, it's gonna be done to us later," Tony looks at Steve seriously before dropping his voice. "That's the fact. That won't be pretty."

Wanda's mental bond with me alerted me of her silent anxiousness.

"You're saying they'll come for me."

"We would protect you." Vision cuts in, giving Wanda a small smile. I didn't miss their interaction and mentally laughed.

Wanda and I were two of the most powerful Avengers in this room. We gained our powers from an Infinity stone for god's sake.

Those big shots on the panel would sure, like to get their hands on that.

"Maybe Tony's right..."

It was Natasha that spoke. And even I turned around, confused as to where she was going with this.

She clears her throat when she notices everyone is staring.

"If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off--"

Sam's temper flared. "Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?"

She winced at the term, obviously affected. "I'm just... I'm reading the terrain. We have made... some very public mistakes. We need to win their trust back."

Trust? It won't matter what we do, it won't matter what decision we make, they will always view us as people they can never trust.

Until they find a way to control it, until they are satisfied they can contain us, they will always go against us.

It's what they did to me.

SHIELD kept me locked up.

HYDRA used me for their dirty work.

At the end of the day, the goal remained the same.

Containment.

God, when did it get so hard?

How could the Government force us to choose? How could they pin us against each other? After everything, we've done?

Is this how the world worked now?

No. this wasn't right. None of it is.

Was this place really home, if you felt trapped? Was this place really worth it, if you were confined?

That wasn't us. That was never going to be us.

For too long the Government used me for their own gains, my childhood was ripped from me, my time was taken, and I had enough of it, but at the same time...

I looked over at Scarlet, my features paling.

Wanda.

She was in danger.

It won't matter what we chose. What we stood for.

They'll always come for us.

I can't agree or disagree with the Accords. Not when there's so much to lose.

I had so many people to protect.

To little time to do so.

"Focus up. I'm sorry." Tony places his hands on the couch in front of him to get closer to Natasha. "Did I just mishear you or did you agree with me?"

Natasha shakes her head. "Oh, I want to take it back now."

"No, no, no--you can't retract it." Tony holds out a finger and a smirk crosses his lips. "Thank you. Unprecedented. Okay, case closed--I win."

The silence around the room simply proves just how much many of us still weren't sure.

"Have we come to a decision?" Vision asks, looking at all of us.

Nobody says a word.

Nobody moves to speak.

What could they say?

Yes? No?

Either way, there will be conflict.

Steve looks around the room before finally landing on me.

I watch those blue eyes narrow and I suck in a breath upon seeing what they were going to ask.

"Lorelie? What's your opinion?"

All eyes are on me.

Time seemed to have stopped.

My heart began beating rapidly like a drum. I can feel another crack form in my soul.

Now he wanted my opinion? When everything was falling?

"Blues," Tony.

I turn my head, slowly making eye contact with those brown orbs.

His emotions wavered clear. They were saying; "Trust me, we need this."

Steve was the opposite. I could feel how loudly he was attempting to project his thoughts onto me; "Don't. We can't do this."

My head spun.

My lungs ached.

I can almost imagine those blue eyes softening if I go forth with his opinion. I can almost imagine Tony's gaze as he smirks at my support for him.

Both Steve and Tony were giving me the same, battering, gritting looks that I've come to hate.

Choose.

And it's that thought, that finally--finally, brings me over the edge.

Game over.

"Game over," The whisper slipped out, unintentional and unavoidable. It caught the attention of many.

Some were confused. Some were offended. But Wanda? Oh, she felt the change.

"Lorelie--" Wanda tries to pry into my mind through the bond but I blocked her out, instantly slamming the door close.

She stands, reaching for my hand instead. The minute she grazes the tips of my fingers I flinch away.

You will know pain. And I will be the one to give it to you.

Pain.

I was already feeling it.

Each inhale.

Each exhale.

Each twitch.

Each touch.

"Game over..." The words come out loosely this time and I was laughing. Completely, out of control, laughing.

Tear sprung in my eyes, my throat like sandpaper and the burning in my veins increased to the point of numbness.

I didn't care.

How stupid were we all?

This wasn't the real fight.

No.

The real fight is coming.

Oh, it's coming.

It's coming at the darkest of times.

It's coming at the edge of the night.

"Blues," Tony's voice is the one that brings me out of my trance.

I hadn't realized I had stopped laughing and was merely staring into space.

The team was looking at me. Each with scrutinizing stares. Like I was a rabid animal.

Rabid.

"There's those faces," I point out, looking at each and every one of them. My anger has returned and it was hitting me full force.

"You think you can hide from me, that you don't see me as anything but a threat?"

There's a ripple of confusion.

Oh, they'll get it. It'll hit them soon.

How could they look at me like that and expect me to choose which side I wanted? How could they put that type of pressure on me?

Was it because I played a crucial role in the team? Was it because I was a powerful individual with the ability to crush anyone I wanted?

No, it was because of that power, that they wanted me on their side.

I don't deserve any of this.

Not after everything that's happened for me to get this far.

They were my family but at the back of my mind, I know in my heart that they will never understand what it's like to be me.

No one ever will.

"You, you and you," I point to Natasha, Steve and Sam.

Placing a hand on my hip, I flippantly smiled.

"Why didn't you stop it Lorelie? Why did you fail? Why couldn't you help her, Lorelie? Why didn't you check the locations?"

All three of their faces plummeted as I read their thoughts out loud.

"Riley..." Wanda is reaching for me, concern flashing in those eyes. She was worried.

She can't feel what's going through my mind and she wants to help get rid of my concerns.

We've trained together for this but only this time I won't let her.

Giving her a calm levelled look, I nodded. "Leave the room, Wanda."

She doesn't budge. Her eyes go between me and the others but I'm having none of it.

"Do it." It's a command.

The younger girl visibly flinches from the heavy lash of the bond.

She trusts me with everything in her heart. Never questioned me about what I thought.

The girl was closer to me than I'd like to admit after everything that's happened. I was basically top shelf with Barton in that level.

She would willingly agree with me because she knows my instincts. Hell, she's a part of my mind.

Leave Wanda, I don't want you here.

The words catches her off guard and those eyes widened. She's hurt that I won't include her she knows this is much more serious than she'd thought.

So with a heavy sigh, Wanda rises to her feet and swiftly leaves the room.

Vision watched her go with obvious concern and I merely nodded him to follow.

He obeyed. It's not like that pal needed any convincing.

When they left, I let out a dramatic sigh and gave the trio in front of me, very, very, narrowed expressions.

Both Tony and Rhodey were standing out of sight, knowing they ought to get out of my way, by leaning farther back against the wall.

Natasha warily raises a hand. "It wasn't your fault."

"I agree," Sam points out.

"Was it?" I hissed. "Was it not my fault? I failed you know. I didn't help Wanda in time."

Salty Lorelie was on a roll today.

If they think they can escape from what they truly felt they were going to get another thing coming.

Steve shakes his head at my comment. "It was beyond any of us--"

"You froze too. When he said Bucky."

Steve's fists clenched but I didn't care.

What happened at Lagos when Rumlow accused me of allowing Bucky to be controlled truly hurt.

I would never, do that to my Protector.

Never.

Yet Steve chose to believe Rumlow.

He chose to believe an ex-HYDRA member, over someone he supposedly cared for; me.

"Get mad at me Ice Pick, I. Don't. Care." The words were bitter and it comes out of my tongue viciously.

"But you know what? I didn't know Bucky remembered you. I didn't know what happened that night, because if you forgot--my mind was erased too!"

Something behind me slammed against the wall and I noticed it had been from my flaring abilities.

I hastily shut them out before the others could see the black.

"Blues, come on," Tony tries to approach me. He raises his hand, a gesture meant to calm me down. "We can discuss it, this isn't the way to do things."

"You don't know half of what you're talking about Steve," I start to laugh, ignoring Tony entirely. "You don't know half of the things HYDRA made me do if you knew, it would only give you nightmares."

"This isn't going to end well," Natasha mutters beneath her breath. "Come on guys, break it up."

Steve has the nerve to shake his head. "I never said I didn't understand--"

"No, you didn't even try!" The shrill in my tone sounded hysterical. How could he sit there and lie to me?

He knew I could feel his emotions, did he think I wouldn't notice?

"It wasn't you," Steve maintains eye contact as he takes a deep breath. "I know it wasn't you, you couldn't have stopped yourself if they ask you to hurt him."

"I didn't hurt him--"

"You don't know that," Tony interrupts.

The room goes dead silent. I turn around to face my brother because I'm just so confused. 

My voice is whisper-quiet. "What are you saying...?"

"Come on, don't make me say it," Tony looks around the room as though searching for those that would support him. 

He doesn't mean to hurt me with his words. It was just who he is. 

Logic, straight to the point and brutally honest. This was Tony's nature. It's what made him Iron Man.

Eventually, he gives up trying to hide his thoughts. "You could have hurt anyone, Blues,"

I take a step back.

"You just don't remember." He adds.

The ground felt like it may give way.

You could have hurt anyone, Blues.

You just don't remember.

I don't remember.

He was right. I didn't. I didn't know if I hurt my Protector. I didn't know if I hurt others.

I look down at my shoes, feeling my nails dig into my palms.

"Tony, Steve--" Natasha speaks out. She's glaring at the two males. "You of all people should know what Riley has done, was beyond her control. Stop putting the blame on her."

"It's not about blame," Tony attempts to explain. "I'm just saying it as it is--"

One look.

One, burning, graving look, from me, made him pause in his steps.

A wave of my abilities washes through the room.

It felt heady. Unrestrained. Raw and untamed.

It wasn't the calm energy. It was something else.

"You don't think, I blame myself enough already?" I say, my voice a dead whisper. "All those people, all those lives, I see it every time I close my eyes."

The guilt for not being able to save the people at Lagos was eating at me like fire on wood.

"I am sorry, for not being able to stop the bomb, I am sorry for not checking the locations, I am sorry I fucked up--" I take a deep breath, shakily exhaling. "...I fucked up, alright?"

Years of guilt were building on my shoulders.

All the deaths I've caused during HYDRA's control.

All the lives I couldn't save when I was an Avenger.

The video footages Ross showed had unlocked memories I never wanted to remember.

It weighed on me. It had the potential to destroy me.

Raising my head, I make eye contact with Steve. "You know what hurts?"

A fire is crawling its way up my throat. I'm starting to choke.

"It hurts... that the two of you can't even see past... this," I place a hand to my chest, telling them how I felt. "I'm human too. I bleed too--"

The tears gathered but they don't fall. "All everyone ever wanted from me, was; Help me Lorelie. Help me."

My voice cracked, the seams breaking away. "You didn't even have the audacity, to stand up for me."

Tony's face falls.

Steve's one turns into regret.

The others all share similar looks.

Wronged. Pained. Sorry.

Breathing deeply, I forced a hand on the table in front of me and leaned closer to the two people I loved.

"And now, after all that, the two of you are forcing me to choose. How is that fair?"

No eye contact.

No reply.

But I already got my answer.

There was no going back from this.

Nothing will ever be the same.

I straightened myself, nodding. "Fine. Don't say anything. At least that young girl out there has more balls than any of you."

Turning around, I made an action to leave the room before pausing to turn back again.

I face the team I call my family with a perfected dangerous expression I've learned to control over my years as an Assassin.

"Oh, and if any of you, try to get that girl in the other room to do something she doesn't want to?" I let the words hang before slicing it with venom.

"I will become, your worst nightmare."

I left the room and didn't look back.

Even as my heart screamed at me to stop and fix the mess my team created, I continued forward.

At the end of the day, I was always the one to solve the problem. Always sacrificing, always giving everything I have.

Now? Now my will to do it is gone. What was the point of fixing something that's already broken?

Why should I continue trying when no one was willing to put in the same amount of effort?

Only one person has done that for me.

He just wasn't here right now.

Protector.

Stopping mid-stride, I place a hand on the wall beside me, breathing in deeply.

I wonder where he was.

Was he safe? Was he healthy? Was he eating well?

I wanted to find him. I wished it with all my heart.

Surely the universe would grant me this one favour.

I was already dying, wasn't that enough?

The worst part about all this is that I was going to die alone.

Ironically, the only thing that still made my heart, beat was the growing veins on my body that were evidently, the source of my soon-to-be death.

How pathetic.

I drop my hand to my side and continued to walk, knowing there was no point to complain. It was already too late for regrets.

Whatever happens next, I'd just have to prepare for it.

Do you see what you need to do?

"I remember,"

~~@ @ @~~

A/N

Cat's out the bag, Lorelie has officially retreated back to herself. I hope you guys don't judge her for what she does.

She's gone through too much in her life to just simply; Choose.

Its not easy.

I wanted to write my character's background and thoughts that actually held meaning. 

Different people do different things to cope with what's happening. 

Have a nice day loveliesssss

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