Chapter 31

Weak.

Useless.

Liability.

Nothing.

Who are you to stand with them?

You may be the most powerful of them all before, but you're not now.

You're dying.

Gritting my teeth, I pulled up the case hidden behind my desk and gave it a once over.

My head pounded and the voices were encasing my mind.

I had longed changed out of my uniform and put on a navy blue hoodie with black leggings.

They were meant to cover the blue veins torturous words. However, I'd be lying if I said they didn't still threaten my sanity.

"Shut up," I snarled, tone low as I shakily undid the case, revealing two more purple tubes, displayed within it.

A small gun syringe lay unmoving and my fingers trembled as I reach for it.

I only had two left.

If I use it, I'd only have one.

Then what?

Fear was palpable in my throat. The last time I injected the serum into me, it wore off quicker than I expected.

How long do you think it's going to take until this thing does the same?

Sighing, I slam the case back close and threw myself back into my bed.

I couldn't use it. The serum was only for emergency situations. For the time being, I'd had to hold off on my own.

Closing my eyes, I splayed my hands across the sheets, feeling my bed and the comfort it was trying to give me.

The soft material did nothing to ease the pain that had made itself home in my mind and my heart.

I can still hear the screams of terror over what happened in Lagos. It made me feel weak. That weakness seemed to be swallowing me whole.

"Why didn't you double-check the locations?" Opening my eyes, I glare at the ceiling. "Why aren't your abilities working?"

Maybe we could have stopped Rumlow before it even happened, hell--maybe we could have stopped all of this.

"Why aren't you as powerful as before?" I start to ramble, blurting words out loud as though someone would give me an answer.

"Why aren't you scared of your abilities like last time when you would beg them to go away?"

The silence continued.

I didn't understand, no--I don't understand.

Why is this happening?

Enraged, the small counter beside me, flew against the wall, leaving a trail of black and blue, making a crack appear in the plaster.

I let out a cry when the veins burned, my fingers gripping my wrist in pain.

"Why are you dying?!" My whole body shook in regret and fear.

Turning to my side, I curl on the bed, the tears silently slipping through.

Why.

Why.

WHY.

It's too much. Everything is happening around me all at once and my soul was beginning to shatter.

Wanda's utter heartbreak.

Steve's look of betrayal.

Natasha's disappointment.

Sam's shock.

I couldn't encase the forcefield long enough to get Rumlow's bomb away. I failed and Wanda took the brunt of the hit.

I never failed.

And yet...

Silently counting my breath I sat up and tried to dash away the tears, hoping it didn't seem too obvious that I've been crying.

It's only been a day since we've returned from Lagos, and already the world is in an uproar, demanding consequences.

We were going into a war.

Only now the war was entirely different.

It was a war against the people.

The people we fought and saved.

A knock on my door, made me get up, quickly pushing the case under my desk back into its original position.

"Yeah?" I called out, my voice eventfully croaky.

There's a pause before a reply comes through. "Blues?"

Tony.

He must have rushed back to the Avengers Facility after hearing the news.

I don't have time to think about how I didn't even sense him before crossing the room and making sure the hoodie fully covered my arms.

Opening the door, I spot my brother as he stands in the way, donning an expensive suit.

There was no usual smirk on his face or teasing grin.

It was, for once, solemn.

I step out of my room and closed it behind me, not wanting him to see the mess of papers I created while on a quest to figure out an answer.

"Tony? Are you okay?" We step out into the hallways and Tony's brown eyes fall to mine. It's filled with regret and pain.

"I should be asking you, Blues."

I look away upon hearing that and nodded slowly. "I'm fine," I tell him, void of emotions.

Tony sighs out loud, sensing the beginnings of my stubborn nature even without asking anything else.

"Lagos was only a day ago, you're telling me you're fine?" He crosses his arms over his chest.

Damn him.

"People, died, what do you want me to say; sorry?" Facing him with a hard expression, I let my glare give way to my anger. "You know, if I could, I would say it to the dead people, I killed."

He flinched at my bluntness, those brown orbs darkening in anger, mirroring mine.

"Harsh, Blues. What, feeling sad that you couldn't save them in time?"

I wanted to slap him.

Hell, I almost did but I pulled myself back in time when I realized he was just jabbing me into giving up this fake act.

This fake act of pretending to be tough.

"What happened?" He asks, eyes softening. "I know you could usually contain in, but what happened this time?"

He was confused.

He had every right to be.

Sighing tiredly, I rubbed my eyes and let my hands fall.

"You know I'm not invincible right? I make mistakes too."

"This cost a lot."

"You don't think I know that?!" The level of my voice raised-- my shout echoing across the long hallway. "I've never failed!"

"Then what happened?! Why didn't you stop it?!" He was yelling too, his voice practically beating mine.

We break eye contact, choosing not to say anything else even as the atmosphere turns strained.

The two of us were angry.

Me, for not being able to tell him the truth.

And him, from trying to pry out the truth.

How could we understand each other?

How could I look at him in the eye?

It feels like we were on either side of a bridge. He's standing in the path of light whereas my end is darkening, crumbling from how broken it was.

Suddenly its feels like my entire body is sinking in utter exhaustion. I'm too tired to fight. I don't have the energy.

What should I say? How do I tell him?

Breathing deeply, I gave him an earnest look.

"We--I, got distracted."

My powers are failing.

"Rumlow had a blade, he was going to kill Steve."

I've been trying for months and nothing worked.

"I managed to stop him and Steve got the upper hand. We had him, Tony."

The veins are killing me from the inside out and I can't stop it.

"But Rumlow said something about Bucky. And it's like my mind blanked."

I don't know how to tell you and Steve. I don't know how you guys are going to react.

"You know I still can't remember what happened that night. I still can't remember what they did to me."

You only had me for 4 years and now you're going to lose me again. How can I tell you that?

"Rumlow successfully distracted us and before I could react, he detonates a bomb."

I'm dying, Tony! Can't you see!? Can't you feel what's happening to me?!

"Wanda was right behind me when it happened and she moved too quick for me to recover. I should've helped but how could I? It all happened so fast."

No one can help me and it makes me powerless! I'm screaming inside because it hurts. It hurts, so damn much.

"She may have killed those innocents up in that building. But she saved many more that were on the ground."

I don't want to leave you. I don't want to leave Steve. I don't want to leave, any of you.

"That's what you wanted to hear right? The details? I'm not a god, I'm human, I make mistakes too, fault me for that."

I'm sorry Tony. I... I can't save myself...

Tony watches me carefully, those eyes flickering back and forth as he tries to process what I said.

It seemed like he would ask more questions and I would've broken then and there, I would've told him the truth.

Because my brother would've continued asking, he would've continued to poke and prod until he was satisfied--as he'd always done.

But not today.

Tony chose to let it go.

"I guess we all do that sometimes," He nods in resignation, sighing. "We're only human right?"

There's a bitter smile on his face, one I simply returned.

"Yeah," From behind my back, my fists remained clenched.

The words I wished to speak to him remained unsaid, left only in the crevice of my mind. "We're only human."

Just another secret to keep.

One last time.

It rings clear in my mind.

"Alright, I've been stalling for too long," He gingerly holds out a hand. "Secretary Ross wants to see us."

The Secretary of State.

The douche bag who went after Banner in early 2008.

"It's bad isn't it?" I asked, my tone soft.

My brother hesitates but slowly nods. "Pretty bad, Blues."

~~@ @ @~~

A/N

Alrighty, I hope you guys are doing okay. Story's already getting pretty dark from her on out. 

What do you think of Lorelie's secret? Do you think she'll reveal it?

Will she even survive?

*Smirks*

I'm not that cruel lmao.

Enjoy the next few chapters and try to understand where Lorelie is coming from okay?

VOTE AND COMMENT