Chapter 4

Sunlight radiates through the curtains of the bedroom and strikes my eyes with speed. As heavy as they are I manage to lift them, finding myself in my bedroom again. As I try to get up my head starts throbbing. I fall back down into the bed and groan from the intense wave of pain. I feel a little cold so I hold the duvet around my naked torso. And then I realize I'm completely nude, with no recollection of why. The last thing I remember is going to bed, yes, fully clothed. I look around and see my pants on the hardwood floor by the door and my shirt next to the night stand. This is really strange. I don't remember my clothes coming off at all. Trying to figure everything out, I hear the sheets moving.

"Morning T," a voice whispers. It's Amy. Her soft brown air brushes against my arm as she wraps herself around my waist with a huge smile, kissing my chest, obviously in the mood. She's not wearing anything either, and she keeps touching and kissing me, obviously wanting to do more. But to be honest, I really don't: I'm confused and a little distraught. I want some time by myself to think, or maybe talk to the guys about it.

"Tayloorrrr," she whines. But I kind of pull away. "Baby what's wrong? Didn't you have fun last night," she asks, looking up at my eyes. Every inch of my body freezes for a second. I don't remember having sex at all. I remember a dream I had, but in that dream I wasn't even having sex with her. It was with Stefani. That's where my memory of last night ends. I don't even remember waking up after that. I look back at her as she's obviously waiting for an answer.

"Well, yeah. It's just that... I kind of feel... different.. today." I lie to her. Well, not entirely because I do feel different. In a weird way.

"Aww, poor baby," she says, kissing my neck and face. This sounds awful and I don't know why I'm feeling this, I just... I'm annoyed with her clinginess this morning. Usually I don't mind but today I feel like I'm gonna lose it with her if she doesn't stop it now. "I... I need some air," I say, releasing myself from her grip.

"I'll come with you," she insists.

"No. I.. I need some time alone," I say, dismissing her. "You have your shift in an hour, go get ready I don't want you to be late," I add. She looks at me weird but agrees and heads off to the bathroom for a shower. For now I just grab what I had on yesterday and run outside.

I don't understand what's been going on with me lately. I just, I feel so different. Some things about Amy are kind of annoying me and I feel myself distancing from her and I don't understand why. I find she's becoming so clingy, which never really bothered me when I was with Stef but, it bugs me when she does it. Trying to relax against the gray front wall outside the building, I pull out my phone and dial my Chicago Fire friends Charlie and Jesse. Since they're both in New York for a few days and I haven't spent much time with them lately, I figure maybe we can go for a drink or something later and I can ask them about it. Both agree to meet me this evening, which makes me feel better. At least I can tell someone about it.

Amy sees me still outside and gives me quick kiss as she heads for work. Once I see her turn the corner of the block I go back inside and get ready for a few things I have to do today.

Everything goes by relatively quick today, which makes me happy. So finally I can head out with the guys. I stop at the pub and wait for them to show up, which happens maybe five minutes later. I treat the guys to a burger and a couple of beers, and we kinda talk about everything, catch up on what's been going on since the taping of last season, and so I take advantage of this time to ask them about what's been bugging me all day.

"So how are things with you and Amy," Charlie asks me.

"Pretty good but, I don't know, I've been feeling weird around her lately." I pause and see that they're both looking at me kinda puzzled. "Guys, have you ever like fallen asleep and woken up without remembered what happened the day before?" They kind of look at me weird and giggle like I'm some idiot.

"Taylor, that's called being hung over," Jesse says laughing a little bit. But I'm not laughing with him. He stops when he sees I'm being really serious.

"No, it's not that. It's something different. I mean yes last night I came home tipsy but, I went to lie down and I was alone in the apartment when I fell asleep. And, I had this dream that I had a couple of nights ago. Like exactly the same. But then, the dream kind of continued and it led to sex, and this morning I woke up naked with Amy next to me, and I don't remember doing it." Now the guys are kind of puzzled.

"Well maybe you weren't dreaming. Maybe you thought you were asleep and dreaming about it but it was actually happening," Charlie says.

"Well, that's the thing. I know I was in a dream for sure cause...." and I pause. This is tough to say, but I need to be straightforward with them. "Kay promise not to freak out or anything?" Charlie and Jesse nod. I take a deep breath and say it. "I know it was a dream because in the dream I was having sex with Stef." The guys have their jaws dropped. I'm kind of surprised I said it and experienced it myself.

"Well, this sounds weird but assuming that what I said before is true, what if you like, thought it was Stef, like you saw her, but in reality it was Amy," Charlie adds to his story.

"Or maybe he was asleep and dreaming about being in bed with Stef, while Amy was fooling around with him in his sleep. They say dreams can make you aware of reality around you while you're sleeping. Either way it's creepy." Jesse tells Charlie. Then he addresses both of us. "Look regardless, Amy crossed a line. He wasn't in an 'alert' state to rationally consent to sex but it happened anyway."

"What if she didn't know he was asleep or drunk or whatever," Charlie asks.

"She's a paramedic, she should be able to pick up on this stuff in like three seconds," Jesse answers. I'm seriously shocked by where this conversation is going. The fact that Amy would do something like that to me. To take advantage of me while I'm asleep or drunk or whatever. Jesse takes me out of my daydreaming with a question.

Kay I'm gonna ask you something and don't freak out or think I'm just messing with you because this is actually an honest question. When you were... in the dream, in bed with Stef, how did you feel compared to when you woke up this morning?"

"Well I mean with Stef I was.... really happy for some reason. And I woke up this morning and when I saw Amy there I freaked out. Like I was shocked to find her there." My friends' eyes are widened in complete shock.

"So, do you think you might still have feelings for Stef," Charlie asks. "Like, you're not really over her?"

"Maybe. I don't know. All I know is that I've had this dream about Stef for two nights in a row, and it's been bugging me the whole time."

"But why did you guys even split up anyway?" Jesse looks at me after Charlie asks that question, really intrigued. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and remain calm as I tell them what happened.

As my boss sends me out, I make one stop to the bathroom before I leave. Once again, another acting gig I don't get a part on. I'm so sick and tired of failing. I punch the walls of the bathroom stall in anger. I'm not usually like this, it's just that this has been happening a lot. I guess people call it 'having a hard time at work'. After my episode, I just head home, ashamed. Stef's the first sight I get when I walk through the apartment door. She smiles and greets me sweetly, but I'm not really enthusiastic. She picks up on it and asks me what's wrong but I don't answer. No matter how many times I keep myself from telling her, she insists. As I sit at the kitchen table, I feel her warm and gentle hands massaging my shoulders as she can tell I'm really tense.

"T," she whispers. "T you can tell me anything. It's okay." And that's when I explode.

"NO IT'S NOT OKAY," I say, practically yelling at her. "YOU'D NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK I GO THROUGH! MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SO CAUGHT UP IN YOUR FUCKING FABULOUS POP STAR LIFE AND TOOK YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS YOU'D UNDERSTAND!" I completely raged at her. Not even knowing, understanding or realizing half the shit I just said. She looks smaller and more vulnerable than ever.

"Taylor?" She says my name in a squeaky whisper, sounding incredibly afraid. I barge out of the apartment and slam the door shut, almost closing it on her fingers. But it doesn't end there, she follows me on the way down. I don't take the elevator. I need to run to take my stress away, so I run down the stairs. And Stef follows in her heels.

"T, please don't leave. Just tell me what's going on. Don't be scared to tell me," she says, still trying to soothe me for some reason, after what I said to her. But my rage gets the best of me and that's when I do something I'll regret forever. As she puts her arm around my waist to turn me around I knock her over on the stairs and I hear her scream when I take off. I run outside trying to get away. I'm sick and tired of being a fucking failure to my family. No one knows what it feels like when you, as a man, cannot make the money you think your family deserves.

As I continue walking, trapped in my train of thought, I stop by a bar and order a drink. Jameson on the rocks. As I examine my surroundings I realize a woman in a tight red dress is looking at me a lot. Her eyes are dark, just like her long brown hair. I finish my drink and walk to the bathroom before heading back home. But then I realize why I can't go back. I've become a monster. I just pushed my wife down on a fucking staircase and told her that her head was in her ass, and that she was stuck in her pop star world. Not a single part of it was true but I could never erase what came out of my mouth, as much as I wanted to. Before I know it I keep drinking and drinking until I pass out and wake up in an apartment with another woman. That's when I realize what an awful husband I am. I accuse myself. I realize I'm a violent monster and a cheater. I don't deserve someone as amazing as Stef. She doesn't deserve an asshole like me. She deserves better. After what happened I told myself that I needed help so I took what basically can be considered an anger management course, because I made a promise to myself that I would never be the man I was that one night.

"Bro, I'm sorry to hear that," Charlie says to me. I nod, but it doesn't help. I still feel like a monster. I feel like that everyday. Leaving her was the hardest thing I've ever done. But an asshole like me doesn't deserve a perfect woman like her.

"Listen, everyone loses their cool sometimes. And I know you realized that what you did was wrong. You're not a monster for losing it one time. Those kinds of guys do that to women everyday, and they do a lot worse than push. Making a mistake doesn't make you an asshole. I'm sure you fought with her a ton of times before that night, and every time you controlled your emotions, so obviously, you can control yourself. And by the way, not making billions of dollars doesn't make you less of a man." This time, Charlie's words kind of make me feel a little better. I guess he's right. Despite the hard time getting acting gigs I was still making money. It's just that sometimes I wish I could've given my family more.

"Thanks man," I say to him.

"It's what friends are for."

"Alright guys, here's to a season for family, friends, turkey and alcohol," Jesse says laughing, lightening the mood. We join in and laugh with him. Then we take our beers and clang our glasses together.

"Cheers"-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As we all part ways after the pub, I slowly walk the few blocks back to the apartment as my head feels a tiny spot of something cold. As I look up I witness the first snowfall of the season. I smile as I think about playing outside with my kids, making a snowman with Joey. Then I remember how the four of us used to decorate the tree and wrap presents; Stef and I would wrap the kids in tinsel and try to put them on the tree for fun, sometimes I'd put Stef in wrapping paper, with a shiny bow on top. I obviously didn't say it back at the bar, but since I left I've regretted it every single day. And yes, I do still have feelings for her. I still love her just as much as the first time I laid eyes on her. I'd give anything to have her back.                                 ***************************************************************************

Oh God, I'm getting corny, but I can't help myself. Anyway, what do you guys think about this fic? I don't even know if people like it I'm just typing away :P Guys the next chapter of I'm Beautiful in My Way is actually in the works, so I'm a happy kid right now.Let's just address these pics of Tayga in Washington right now. I cannot for the life of me stop fangirling, they are so cute. Praying for the sound of wedding bells for them this Christmas.So this week is gonna get very hectic because finals are starting so I'm going crazy, so I have no clue how much writing is gonna get done. Probably very little, which saddens me. But I'm praying I can get you guys two little presents this Christmas.Again, I can't thank you guys enough for reading my stuff. You guys are so amazing. And your stories are everything! I love them. Happy Sunday darlings