Flashbacks

Paedyn

Her anniversary comes. My body knows it, and so does the world. But somehow, everyone in the castle is completely oblivious. The maids still hum their songs in the hallways, and the guards still laugh over cards at the gate. A part of me is jealous that some people haven't experienced hurt. I wouldn't wish it on them, but Plagues, I envy them.

Kai's gone with the kids for an overnight trip. They should be back by the afternoon. I try to focus on my steps, anything but the empty feeling in my chest. I find myself walking down the stairs into the cellar. My fingers choose a strong honey-coloured bottle from the shelf. Honey. A sob escapes my lips.

Her honey-scented hair. Her obsession with sticky buns. Tears flow down my face as my shaking hands uncork the bottle. The sharp smell of alcohol fills the room. 

 The burn isn't enough to stop the tears. I drink more than I should, trying to drown out the ache. 

I don't care.

I don't care about the consequences or how much I'm drinking. I don't care that I promised myself I'd be okay today, that I'd be strong. It's too much. She's too much, and yet, not enough. 

"Plagues, I miss you, Adena," I whisper, my voice breaking. I close my eyes, and remember how we met. Her bouncy brown curls flying wildly whilst getting chased by an Imperial. Me sticking my foot out to trip him. Us laughing and her asking if I "stole good". Tears flow down my cheeks, but at this point I don't care. 

I take another sip of the alcohol, the fiery liquid slipping down my throat. The door creaks open and I freeze. Please don't let it be the kids. Please don't let it be the kids. Please don't let it be the kids. It's Kai. 

Kai

She's sitting there, knees pulled up to her chest, a bottle in her hand. Her face is streaked with tears, eyes red, lips trembling. I crouch down beside her, scooping her into my arms. She doesn't even try to resist. She buries her face in my chest, weakly clutching onto my shirt. 

"Paedyn, why didn't you tell me you were struggling?" I ask softly, guilt flooding my mind. I've been so focused on taking care of the kids, on making sure they're okay. "You don't need to go through this alone." Paedyn shakes her head. 

Paedyn

I shake my head weakly, still clinging to him like he's the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I hate how fragile I feel right now, how broken. How I can't even pretend to be okay. "I didn't want you to see this," I whisper, my voice thick with emotion. "I didn't want to pull you away from them, Kai. I didn't want to ruin their day."

He's silent for a moment, and I can feel his hand rubbing gentle circles on my back.

"You don't ruin anything," he finally says, his voice rough. "You're everything to me. Don't you ever think you're a burden."

I close my eyes, the tears still coming. They don't stop. I can't stop them.

"I miss her," I say. "I miss her so much, and I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to make it go away."

He pulls me closer, his arms tightening around me. "You don't have to make it go away," he murmurs. "It's okay to miss her. It's okay to feel like this. You loved her, Paedyn. And she loved you. That doesn't go away."

"But it's been so long," I choke out, my fingers gripping his shirt tightly. "And it still hurts. It still feels like it was yesterday."

"I know," he says quietly. "I know it's hard. But you're not alone in this. I'm here. I'll always be here."

the morning after

The light coming through the window is blinding, harsh against my skull. My head is pounding like a drum, and my mouth feels like the inside of the Scorches Desert. The room spins as I force my eyes open, and the faint scent of alcohol clings to my clothes, my skin. My stomach rolls, threatening to empty itself of whatever I drank last night.

I groan, pressing my palms to my temples, trying to make the pain stop. I can't remember much of last night beyond the blinding grief, the burn of liquor in my throat, and Kai—Kai holding me, comforting me, and telling me I wasn't alone. Kai rolls over to me and hands me a glass of water.

"Drink," he demands. I barely register that I'm gulping the water down, and before I know it, the glass is empty. 

I swallow hard, my chest tightening. "I didn't want to burden you." The words feel weak even as I say them, but it's the truth. I don't want to pull him down with me. He has enough to carry with the kids, with everything we've already been through.

"You're never a burden," he says, his tone soft but firm. "Don't ever say that again." He plants kisses gently on my lips, then trails them down my jaw. 

"Thank you, Kai," I whisper, my voice catching. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'll never have to find out," he replies softly. "I'm here. Always."

word count: 879 

this was so sweet and so sad to write 

i found myself choking up 😭

hope you enjoyed! i'll try to post again tmrw or today depending on what time allows me to.

mwah have a lovely day my darlings