Please Be Okay

The next day, I woke up before the sun. I got dressed quietly, brushed my hair, packed my things, and then spent a long time sitting on my bed and staring at the curtain. I felt sick all over again.

Then I went to the front desk and asked to see James. 

The nurse there was one I hadn't spoken to before. I didn't know James's last name, but she apparently already knew who I was talking about. She hesitated for a moment, like she was unsure if she should say yes. And then she just nodded, and gestured me to follow her.

The nurse led me through a door I hadn't been allowed through before. The hallway smelled different, like sleeping gas, and bandaids. The lights flickered above us, and everything felt muffled, making me feel more uncomfortable than I already was.

I wasn't sure what I was going to see, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see at all, but I'd promised myself. And he was probably fine. I was worrying over nothing.

A small part of me knew that wasn't true. There's no way he  was moved to a different ward just to do checkups. 

We stopped at a door, and the nurse opened it.

"He's in there", she said quietly, nudging me inside. "Take your time". And then she closed the door softly with a click.

James was asleep.

He looked small. Pale. The color had drained from his face, and there were dark smudges under his eyes. Wires snaked from his arm to a machine by the bed. 

Penny was curled up beside him, tucked under his arm like a little kitten. She was wearing one of his oversized sweaters, and they're were tear stains on her cheeks. Her eyes were closed, her chest rising and falling in slow, steady breaths.

My heart nearly stopped when the realisation hit me.

James was sick. Not the normal kind of sick. Not the sick you can wave of with a fake smile. Really sick. Suddenly everything made sense, Why he had looked completely fine a week ago. Why he'd been here so long. I felt so stupid.

There was one empty chair pulled up next to the bed. Even now, when he really needed them, his parents didn't show up.

I walked over slowly and sat down. My breath felt shaky and I could barely think.

But I promised.

"I didn't know if I'd get to see you before I left", I said quietly with my head down. The room was still, and he was still quiet.

Suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. Everything poured out.

"I'm sorry for being such a jerk", I said. "I'm sorry for pushing you away when all you were doing was being kind. And I'm sorry for thinking my life was awful when you were right in front of me, smiling and laughing and acting like you were okay, because you're not". 

I reached for his hand. It ws surprisingly warm.

"I just wanted to say", I whispered. "I really like you".

There was no reply. Just the soft whoosh of the machine and Penny's quiet breathing.

And I was okay without the answer. I was just happy I'd told him.

"Please be okay", I said. And then I just sat there quietly, watching him, and hoping I'd see him again. I'd wasted so much time hating him and being completely awkward that now, when he really needed me, I couldn't be there.

After a few minutes, I stood up, wiped my face, and left the room.

I went home that day. Mom and Dad were ecstatic, so I had to act happy too. June kept asking me why she couldn't see Penny, and I just told her maybe one day.

The days after that were strange. Quiet in a way that made me restless. I went back to school the next week, and my friends were all thrilled to see me. They brought balloons and made a big fuss and argued over who got to sit next to me at lunch. I smiled and let them. It felt good, in a way. Like slipping into a version of myself I used to be. But it wasn't the same.

Because I wasn't the same.

I had a schedule now—meds in the morning, appointments every few weeks, check-ins with a school counselor I barely knew. I wrote things down in a planner. I carried a water bottle everywhere. I paid more attention to when I felt tired or off. I still had bad days. But I had better ones too.

Sometimes when I woke up, I'd forget all about being sick. And sometimes when I laughed, I'd remember exactly where I'd been when I forgot how to laugh. It didn't feel like a tragedy anymore. Just a fact. Just part of me.

Those two weeks had changed my life, and even though I'm not the same as before, I'm okay with that.

(835 words) *Cough cough* Hi!! So that was the last chapter and uh...I have a few people trying to kill me. HEELLLPPPPPPPP!!!!-

ANYWAY I did try to make it actually good, but that's the best I could do. I know, disappointing.

The epilogue will come out tomorrow!

Hope you enjoyed!~ Blue <3