Chapter 17

{A.N.-I'm gonna try to update more, I'm super sorry!!! thanks for 600 reads ily. p.s. I did write the song in this chapter. xx erin}

MACEY'S POV

It breaks me to lose Zayn. It pains like I'm tied up, and a wolf keeps biting my flesh but I never die. I'm sore with an eternal suffering from the inside out.

I hate this. I hate the fact I left Zayn. I hate the fact I allowed myself to grow attached to him. I hate Tom for ever bullying me. I hate Louis killed himself because of me. I hate Niall reminds me of him and Zayn both. I hate that their names are constantly crawling at me. I hate Louis ever cheated on me, but if it were right now, I'd forgive him in a second. I hate Eleanor for snogging him. I hate all the other girls he came across. I hate my Dad is going crazy. I hate my Mum is dead. I hate that I don't have a real friend anymore. I hate everything that's occurred.

I decided to pain myself even more by re-entering the social media called Twitter.

I click on the direct message chats.

Oh my God. Louis wrote me before...while him and El dated.

@Louis_Tomlinson

Macey I miss you. I don't like Eleanor not a bit. I love you more than my entire life. I would kill myself in a heart beat if that's what you told me to. I'm an idiot. You blocked my messages after El and I began dating, so I had to send you this please Macey just think about it. I love you.

I know he's dead, but I have to respond.

@Maceyyy_Fuls

I miss you too Lou. I believe you'd kill yourself now. If I'd had read this before hand I would have laughed at the part where you said you'd kill yourself. now... taking your life isn't so hilarious, because you really did. And I'm the reason. You're not an idiot. I am. I love you even though you're not with me anymore...

My sticky cheeks grow wetter and wetter, my eyes acting as if a water supply. I bet you could use my tears for hydropower.

"I'd kill myself in a heart beat if that's what you told me to," I say aloud.

"I didn't tell you, but I am the reason," I respond to myself,"It's all my fault."

Louis' voice sounds in my head,"Write a song, love."

I slide open the door to my closet and reach for the guitar Louis' gave me for my 16th birthday.

Mace,happy 16th. I love you so much. fill my days with music.-louis

was scripted on the body of it.

I try to remember the little bit of chords he taught me. I remember him laughing at me playing them wrong.

"It's okay baby, you're doing fine," he'd say.

I don't know what to sing.

Sing what your heart has been dying to say. Louis says.

"Every second of everydayevery moment I see your faceI hear your voice all the timeI am not okay

I miss your smileI miss your laughbut now you're goneso I just cry and cryit's the only thing I can do not to die

it's driving me insanethoughts of you are scratching in my brain I never thought pain like this existed

my question is whywhy was Iso stupid to treat you that waynow all I can say isI miss you I still love youI am sorry please come back

every second gets more painfulthe black hole in my soul only growsI really don't knowwhat to dohow do I stop missing you?

I miss your smileI miss your laughbut now you're goneso I just cry and cryit's the only thing I can do not to die

every second of every day.."

I sing.

"I did it Lou... I sang my feelings."

"Good, baby. Just don't harm yourself. I want you here with me when it's your time. I wish I was still there with you," his voice sounds.

"I'm sorry," I look up and cry.

I know his voice is a delusion, but it relieves me to hear it.