Chapter 47

CHAPTER 47

I have no idea where Jack plans on taking me but as I get into the passenger seat of the car I think to myself, I can’t spend a day, pretending to be all happy and shit if I’m holding back an awful secret to tell the boy I’m supposed to be happy for.

Jack begins to greet me but I abruptly cut him off, “Jack,” which comes out much louder than I wanted it to.

“Woah, everything okay there?” he asks as he starts to chuckle.

“Actually…No and I’m gonna need you to hear me out okay?”

“Okay,” he looks at me with confusion and worry. And puts the car in park as he turns towards me.

“I broke a promise to you, and I wasn’t going to tell you but Sam found out and thinks it’d be best if I did. I really hope telling you is the best decision and you can’t lash out at me please…” I take a deep breath, “When I was away from you, I got upset with myself, leaving you was such a stupid stupid STUPID decision. All I wanted was you, all I want is you. Every time you texted me or called me, every time you tried to get into contact with me and I didn’t respond I…I would put a ‘tally mark’” I put fingered air quotes around tally mark, “I was so upset with myself, I wanted you to stop talking to me, I don’t deserve you.”

He watches me as I just stare straight down, avoiding any eye contact.

“So I put a tally mark for every time I thought of you or every time you texted or called or emailed or anything. Except,” this is the hard part, “these tally marks weren’t on paper and they weren’t drawn with marker.”

Does he even understand what I’m saying? I look up at him, he begins to get out of the car, he pulls the handle, the door opens and he leaves me to go inside. I cry. I sit there and cover my eyes and cry to myself letting out some pretty loud sobs. He’s disappointed at me, he’s disgusted. He’s never going to want anything to do with me. Jack storms back out of the house but I don’t even realize until he rips my door open with full force.

He hands me a knife, “here,” he says just handing me a knife. I look at him with wet watery eyes confused as all hell, “cut me.”

He stands there with his arms straight out to the sides almost as if he is welcoming me to stab him in the chest.

“What? No!” I exclaim and try to hand him the knife back. He won’t accept my offer. Tears still fall from my eyes and I don’t know what to do with myself let alone him.

“If you’re willing to cut yourself, the person you’re supposed to love the most in this world, then cut me. Watch me go through the pain.”

“Jack I couldn’t I…"

“If I can cause you to cut yourself then I want you to cut me,” he throws me his wrists, “I watch you go through so much pain, now watch me.”

“Jack stop,” I’m getting really upset. This is just making my anxiety sky rocket through the clouds. I start crying harder. He doesn’t understand how painful this is for me, how much I’d rather cut my own wrists right now.  I love Jack more than I love anything in the world and I hate myself. How could those things be compared. I’m more pathetic and as worthless as the dirt under the ground we walk on.

“Catherine, cut. me,” he begins to scream, I’ve never heard him raise his voice other than occasionally in excitement, “it’s not so easy is it?!”

I grip the knife even harder and sob. I seriously want to die, I need to run away again.

He snatches the knife out of my hand and holds it to his own wrist.

“Jack!” I scream at him, “I want to go. Back to South Carolina. Drive me to the airport. Now!”

His mouth drops in awe. I can’t tell what expression is on his face, but it’s not a good one. The knife drops to the floor. His voice is calm now and his breathing isn’t as hectic and heavy, “I push you away, I upset you because it upsets me to see you like this and I can’t do anything. Well, I can’t see you go, not again. But here, if that’s what you want, then go.” He hands me the keys and walks away from the vehicle, not entering the house but walking around to the back.

As soon as Sammy loses sight of Jack he runs out, towards the car and over to me,  “Cat,” I get out of the passenger seat, walk right into his arms and star sobbing on his shoulder. His arms hold me tight and I never want to let go.

“He’s just upset that’s all, don’t cry,” he rubs my back and one hand is running its fingers through my hair.

“Sammy, I’m going to say goodbye to Jack, give me a minute,” he grabs my wrist.

“Are you honestly leaving again? I can’t-“

“I don’t know, I’m such a fuck up, I mess everything up. Don’t you get it? If I hadn’t moved here Jack wouldn’t be upset, and Johnson would still be here, I’ve messed up three perfectly amazing people’s lives and I’ve-“

“Jack did not kill himself because of you, you can’t think that.”

“But I just made everything worse. Nothing can go right. I feel like I’m in one of those books that people write where everything just gets worse until the point where they wrap up the book by killing the person off or they fall in love and things get better. Except I’ve already fallen head over fucking five foot heels for a boy who deserves so much better than me. So that can’t be the ending, that already happened and I fucked that up too. First James, then the confrontation in front of the whole school, then Jack’s death and now this…” I finally take in a breath and a long sigh, “Running away isn’t going to help though.”

I leave Sammy and walk around to the backyard where Gilinsky sits on a chair on the patio. His hands covering his eyes, he isn’t crying he’s just stressed. I make no noise but he must’ve sensed I have come around to the back.

“Promise me you’ll see someone, you’ll go to a therapist or a rehab or something. I just want to know you’re okay. Whether this clinic is in Africa or France or North Carolina or right here at home. Please,” he doesn’t look at me, he’s facing the complete opposite direction.

“I will,” I sit down on the floor, being unworthy of the chair next to his, he stands up and faces me. All I can see is the way his eyes hunt for mine. I sigh, “But Jack?”

I begin and he makes his way over to me, lending me a hand to pull me right back up to my feet.

“I’m stupid and fucked up, you’re confused and emotional…I honestly need you and I obviously can’t live without you, maybe it’s just a phase but we both feel that spark and it causes us to get really unhealthily mad at each other sometimes but honestly has us falling so hard in love with each other. So if you would forgive me and start a new page and put the past behind us then-“