Chapter Nineteen

I was sitting on the edge of the bed when Sokka began to stir. I was changing my wound's dressing and re-wrapping the bandages. Our conversation last night had left me with a lot to think about. In fact, this whole week had. Meeting Aang again, meeting his friends, seeing him put real effort into learning waterbending. He even had a master now. Still, I can't just forget the things that happened to me because of Aang's disappearance, the horrors I went through and participated in, in order to stay alive and keep my family alive.

Sokka helped me realize what it all meant when he got me to talk through it simply. I'd never done that before, I'd never had the chance or the right person to allow me to do it. But I could see it now. I could see what he meant when he said it wasn't my fault. I didn't start the war. I didn't promote the war. And, I didn't support the war. Instead, I tried - and largely failed- to make changes from the inside.

Still, there were a few times that I did make a difference. A few times I'd made shift changes so purposefully confusing that no one noticed when I snuck a few crates of food to an impoverished colony of Earth Kingdom citizens. Or, when I'd gotten a successful vote to stop hunting dragons when I'd first become Fire Lady- it only lasted 25 years but still, it had been a success at the time.

    Sokka opened his eyes and turned onto his back to look up at me. "Hey," he said, a tired smile on his face. "When did you wake up?"

    "A couple hours ago. I wanted to check when we were stopping at the first Earth Kingdom port."

    "Did you need to buy something?" He asked with a yawn and I shook my head.

    "I'm leaving." That woke him up.

    "What! Why?" He sat up.

    "It was always the plan-"

    "But that was before..." He trailed off, looking hurt. "Before this..."

     I sighed, "I really like you, Sokka-"

    "Then stay!" He pleaded, grabbing my hand. I shook my head and pulled away, standing up to slip my shirt on over my bandages.

    "I can't." I explained, "Seeing Aang everyday... I know that he didn't know what would happen. And, I know it's not all his fault, but every time I see him it's like I see what could have happened, if he stayed."

    "You mean... you see yourself dead." Sokka asked, he looked beyond hurt. "Is that what you want?!"

    "No! I mean yes, but not-" I cut myself off. "I should have died, Sokka. I never should have come back, Aang should have been able to defeat Fire Lord Sozin and the war never would have continued!" I had worked myself up again and was trying not to cry. "I just- I can't be around him, especially on Appa in tight quarters for the next six months until the comet!"

    "But-" Sokka took a deep breath and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "What about this? What about us?"

    "I'm dead by the end of the year anyway."

    "What are you talking about?"

    "When Aang dies my life force goes to him. I'll be dead." I reminded him.

    "Aang's not going to die!"

    "Ozai is one of the most powerful firebenders I have ever seen. I trained him, Sokka. I really don't know that Aang can beat him."

    "Then we'll disconnect you and Aang!" Sokka said, standing up to put his shirt back on. He turned his back to me, his shoulders were moving up and down and he ended up just throwing his shirt back on the floor. "Damn it!"

    "Sokka, it's not a big deal-"

    "What if you die, Ren?" He snapped back, turning to face me.

    "Then Aang lives! And he can fight Ozai again, and maybe the world can be at peace for once!" I had started crying.

    "I can't- I don't want to lose either of you." Sokka had tears in his eyes too.

    "I know. That's another reason why I've got to leave. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already will."

    "Are you going to follow us again?"

    "What?"

    "Aang said you had been following us. From Kyoshi until we went further North."

    "Yeah, not as close as before but yes. I- I need Aang to succeed and I can't go home... I-" I sniffed, "I'm just gonna wander around for a bit. I'll follow... but you won't see me, Sokka."

    "But-" He cut himself off and closed his eyes. "Are you sure?"

    "Yeah, I think-" I took a deep breath, "I think it's what I need to do. For myself too, I need to figure some stuff out." Sokka opened his eyes again and we stared at each other, studying the other's face like we would never see each other again... and maybe we wouldn't.

    "Just be careful, okay?" He asked, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his lips to my forehead. I hugged my arms around his chest and breathed in his scent. Yeah... this was much more than the fling I had thought it was going into it.

    "Okay. You guys be careful too."

End of book one :) Next chapter will be book two!!