CH 42: I Hate You, I Love You

As she sinks to the cold hotel floor, Esme begins to feel her mind slowly becoming undone with reality.

Even though she was reunited with her memories, she felt extremely disconnected from the woman she once was. She remembered a life that was full of passion, love, and fearlessness. Up until the moment she connected the missing wires in her brain, she would say she was the same (minus the love), however, now that she had been rewired, she felt nothing but pity, shame, and grief. Grief for the life she once lived, for the love she once had, and for the child she once held close to her heart. The moment the fuses were set off in her brain, all her memories came flooding back to her and she wanted nothing more than to allow them to overtake her soul. But there was one problem...

"I never stopped loving you..."

Those five little words played in an endless loop in her head, a record that never stopped spinning. She wanted so desperately to believe that the soul of the man she once loved was in that vessel somewhere, and for a moment she swore she caught a glimpse of it. Whenever he would glance down at her, kiss her hand, or sit with her by the fire, it was almost as if she could feel his warmth back within him. However, she was not naive, The Siren had learned to always be one step ahead of everyone, and she knew that even though he may still have a speck of the man she knew within him - Alastor did not have pure intentions.

She stays there, her breath quivering in small whimpers and whines that echo through the quiet halls. Her mind is a battlefield of conflicting thoughts and emotions that yearn to torment her soul. She doesn't know how to feel at the moment. She was betrayed, hopeless, and rageful but yet at the same time, Esme was reminiscent. She loved him more than words could say, even despite his corrupted mindset and damaged soul, she loved to reside in the memories of him caring for her when she was sick, dancing to her favorite music, or curling up with her by the fire. His devotion to her met no bounds, he was tethered to her for all of eternity and his mind never held a single regret.

She loved him. She loved how the aroma of cinnamon and caramel used to linger on his skin, with a woody yet spicy scent to it. How his hair had the slightest wave and he would push it back to free his line of sight. How he always hummed to himself as he was cooking, and how he would hold a cigarette effortlessly in between his teeth when he lit it.

The black coffee, the jazz records always filling the home, the house always kept at a dim lighting.

The intensity, the adoration, the passion, the drive, the charm, the wit, and the humor.

Every ounce of his very being. Every fiber of his soul. Throughout her entire life, there was never a moment that she would not lay down her life for him. 

Yet, she hated this feeling within her. The feeling of absolutely despising him, of dreading the moment where she would feel the other shoe drop. She knew that it was only a matter of time before it happened, and she was loathing his presence as she waited. 

He was a constant remainder to her that she was alone, without his partnership, for years on end. While she felt unlovable and ignored, he was just watching her. 

Watching her being alone. 

~ Esme's Internal Monologue ~

I Hate You; If/Then

I hate you, I hate you,

I love you, I hate you,

I need you,

Forget it, I know you

My God how I hate you...

She pushes the back of her head into his door, sighing and continuing her pleas as the tears begin to well up in her eyes. It's already becoming difficult for her to look out into the hallway, only seeing a mesh of reds from the wallpaper in her teary vision. 

Don't say that you love me,

Cause what does it matter?

You're going to leave me,

So leave me,

Whatever, it's not like I need you...

She flips to be on her knees, pressing her ear to the door to listen for any movement from him. There's no sound, he's comfortably resting in pure drunken bliss. She squeezes her eyes and grits her teeth, as she presses her forehead harshly against the wood. She wanted to open that door and run inside, to curl up next to him and listen to his heart underneath his chest beating perfectly in tune with her own. 

I need you, don't leave me

You know I'm not selfish,

But me, me, I, I

I need you to stay!

Streams of tears fall down her face, but Esme wipes them away in a furious motion, quickly standing up on her feet and muttering at the door in a spiraling melody. She clenches her fists and is tempted to break the door down in her anger.

I'm tough and resourceful,

I'm steady and sturdy,

And freaking the fuck out!

I love you, I hate you,

So screw you,

You're making me crazy!

She takes in some deep breaths as she attempts to regulate herself, but her tears begin to build up in her eyes and her heart fills with intense emotion. She stares at the door, imagining him stepping out any moment with his curls and honey-brown eyes. His sweet yet mischievous smile, and a hum to every step he took. Perhaps they would go to the station or the local bookstore. Perhaps the park, or to garden together.

Perhaps, they could just live together. 

You're my single best decision,

In a life of many awful ones,

My one big yes,

My one embrace,

With you, I never feel out of place.

But then she's reminded of that night and the agony that she felt for years of being completely alone. Without remembering a single soul in hell, and having to start all over again in a world that she did not comprehend. She had to remember who she was and put those puzzle pieces together alone when he could have just been with her.

God damn it, you did this,

I knew you would do it,

You asshole, I hate you!

I totally blame you,

How could you?

I hate you,

I hate you,

I hate that I hate you,

I love you, I love you,

I LOVED you...

She stands there momentarily, trembling in her heels as she stares at his door, waiting. But, he wouldn't come out. She would stand there for a couple more minutes until she sucked up her tears, waved her hand to open her door, and walk inside to solitude.

She walks over to her bed, takes off her heels, and throws them across the room, causing a loud thud to smack against the wall. She cries in privacy, slowly changing from her dress and slipping into her black nightgown. She puts on a lavish black feathery robe and sits in her chair by the fire. She keeps her chin in her hand, staring into the flames while she sniffles in some leaking tears when there's a knock on her door.

Angel stands on the other side, holding a small pig in his hands. "I thought maybe ya couldn't sleep." He smiled sadly, "Wanna bunk with me for tonight?" He extends his arm out to her. Esme attempts to smile, but it cracks and she bursts into tears, burying her face in his chest. He sighs and places a hand on her head to soothe her, "C'mon Es, let's go..." He leads her away from those two dreaded doors, and off to his room.

Finally away from the red that bled from her heart next door.

~ Author's Note ~

I hope you all enjoyed that musical chapter. Shout out to my bestie for recommending this song! 

SHE IS ALSO THE ONE THAT SUGGESTED ESME WATCH HER DEATH AS A SPIRIT IN THE INBETWEEN! EVERYONE GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HER! 

I promise the next chapter is a lot more light hearted and fun. 

🖤Words: 1386🖤

~ Artemis 🦌💗