Chapter Nineteen

I...I passed.

"I passed?"

"With flying colors," Cragen tells me. "Congratulations, Liv."

My name is Sergeant Benson now. That sounds so weird.

"Take good care of this place, Liv. And remember, I'll still be around."

With tears in my eyes, I hug the man who accepted me as his daughter from the minute I started working for him. It's been so many years. And now I'm doing his job.

I'm not ready to do his job.

But he believes that I am. It must be true.

He takes his last box out and I lean against the desk. My desk.

So I guess that war inside my head is over. If I'm in charge of everything here now, I won't have to have a partner. But I can still have the job I love.

That night, I'm sitting on the left side of the couch, watching CSI reruns. I hear the door open and I know it's Elliot with Eli. They just went shopping for who knows what, but I'm glad they're home.

"Wivvie!" I hear Eli call and I force myself to the floor so he can hug me. I then pick him up and give him kisses.

"What's up, Little Man?" I ask.

"Daddy got me twains!" he yelled excitedly, showing me his new blue and red trains.

"Wow!" I exclaim, picking him up and putting him in my lap.

"Aaaaaand," I hear Elliot say. He pulls Eli into his arms to continue talking. "you're going to get to play with them with...who tonight?"

"Dickie!"

"What? Livvie can't play with you?" I ask.

"No!" Eli replies, smiling.

"Why not?"

"Because you and I are going out," Elliot says matter-of-factly.

"Where?"

"Luciano's?" he asks, knowing I love that place.

With a smile on my face, I look up and reply with "okay".

~•~

"Maureen, I don't know what to wear!" I tell her, using my hands for emphasis.

"Liv," she replies calmly, "it's my dad. Not the president."

"But it's your dad!"

She rolls her eyes, laughing a little.

"What?" I ask defensibly.

"Again, I say. It's my dad. He's been in love with you for a long time, how do you not know that?"

"No, he hasn't."

"Yes, he has. And you saved his family. He-"

"I, A: didn't saw all of them, and B: so? I-"

"So...his family means absolutely everything to him! If he lost Kathy and his kids? He would've offed himself. And you kept us together. Which means you molded into the family with no means of escape."

She says it all so seriously, the end makes me laugh. "So...back to what I'm supposed to wear?"

She sends a good whack right to her forehead. "Liv. Come on. You look good in everything. He has seen you sick, puking, dressed in sweats. He has seen you in tears, red faced. I doubt that picking a red dress over a black one will really make him regret his choices. Pick something you like to wear."

Don't you just love it when someone 20 years younger than you tells you this?

Maureen goes back in my closet and pulls the door open more. "Go find your favorite dresses."

I give her a weird look.

"Go pick out your favorite dresses!"

"Fine!"

I make my way to the closet and pull out a simple black dress, a simple red dress, and a one-shouldered white dress. After I have them, I throw them on my bed. "There!"

Maureen, still cross-armed, weight shifted on to one leg, flicks her eyes to the dresses, then to me. "Which one's your favorite?"

"You said to get my three favorite!"

"Liv, every girl has that one dress they absolutely love. Come on."

I stare at them for awhile. "The red one."

"We have a winner!" Maureen announces loudly as if on a game show.

"Now put it on. I can take care of the shoes."

"Black or white!" I yell on my way to the bathroom.

"I'm in my twenties! I know a thing or two about shoes!"

I slip on the dress with ease and let my hair out of my ponytail. It's relaxed, a small lump, reminding me of where my rubber band had been.

Back in the bedroom, Maureen hands me white pumps. "Curl your hair," she says.

I do so, then slip on some mascara and eyeliner, with some lipstick. I don't want much tonight.

"And you look flawless. What did I say?"

I roll my eyes. "Fine, you win!"

Just then, I hear a knock. And my nerves get all jumpy again.

"What happened to Badass Benson?"

She's right. Damn.

"I'll be with the boys," Maureen tells me.

"Okay."

I walk over to the door and open it, revealing a well dressed Elliot. My stomach flips.

"Someone looks nice tonight," Elliot says, looking me up and down.

"Yeah, you," is my response and I turn to lock the door.

"No, I don't think it's me."

I smile a little and let him take my hand.

~•~

"Your waitress will be right with you two," the young hostess says.

"Thank you," I tell her.

She hands us our menus and walks away.

I open my menu and begin looking at the choices, already knowing I'm getting the same thing as always.

While I'm looking, I feel Elliot's eyes on me, but refuse to look up, just to bug him. Magen I do look up, it's because I hear, "Hi!"

My eyes flick to the young woman wearing black, a waitress's apron around her waist. "I'm Morgan, I'll be serving you today. May I start you out with some drinks?"

"Whatever is lite on tap, please," Elliot says.

Always, I think to myself.

"And for you, miss?"

"Red wine, please."

She nods and smile. "I'll be right back with those."

She speeds off on her way. I turn my attention back to Elliot. Before I can say anything, he says, "Red wine? Do you ever drink anything else?"

"I had my fair share of juice boxes while the guardian of you children, I'll have you know," I reply sassily.

"You still are their guardian, Liv. I never took that away from you."

Suddenly, it's all serious. My full attention is on what he just said. "What? I-I thought once you were out of WP, I-"

"I got my guardianship back, but I never took away yours."

Looking down, I'm not sure what to feel. "I didn't think that mattered, once you came back."

"Liv. I could give guardian to Fin right now. It wouldn't make a difference what the law wants or says. I get control over who can see my children."

Before I let a tear fall out, Morgan is back.

"Here's your beer, and your wine. Were you two ready to order or did you still need a few minutes?"

We look at each other. "I think we're ready. I'll have Chicken Parmesan. And she's having Fettuccine Alfredo."

I smile, hoping to blush isn't noticeable under the dimmed lights. That's stupid, I know. He's known that order for at least five years. But he ordered for me...

"Okay..." Morgan says, writing on her notepad. She then looks up. "I'll put those orders in for you two right now!"

I smile at her and she walks away.

Now me and Elliot are left to talk. Something we haven't gotten to do in awhile. Just sit and talk.

"So what did you do while in Witness Protection?" I ask.

"I was a telemarketer," he says with a slight laugh.

"That sucks."

"You're telling me. And so I did that. I sat at home, worried about everything. You, the squad, my kids. Even Kathy. If she was doing alright."

"She's in a better place, El."

"I know. It was mostly before she died. I knew she wouldn't be able to handle it once I was gone. And I couldn't do anything about it."

"She's always going to be with you. You'll always love her. And that's not wrong to do."

He nods. "I know."

"Do you?"

He shakes his head slowly. "Out of all the people I've talked to on the job. All the things I ever told those who lost loved ones. I was always so confident in what I said. What I did. It's not...the same anymore."

"It never applied to you. You were never a victim."

"But why about you? Your mother was a victim. How do you-"

"She was also an abusive alcoholic. But Elliot, it takes time. More than anyone would like it to. I found out when I was thirteen, what rape meant to my family. She told me my father left her before I was born. And, she actually wasn't lying."

He looks up at me, and I know he's wondering how I can defend her abuse.

"Crime makes you crazy. Time only softens the edge. The more time you add, the more blunt the object is. Growing up, I thought a lot about why I was here. I wasn't a wanted child. Why should I be alive? When I figured that out, I joined the police academy."

"But Kathy killed herself. What does-"

"Technically, so did my mother. She wasn't a bad person, El. But once she taught college students some things, taught me I'm more then a product of rape, she could leave. She didn't have to go through any more pain and suffering. Kathy was here to be a mother. Raise some great kids, she taught you more than you know. And she didn't need to suffer either."

"She was suffering?"

"After you died, yeah. She was. Horribly. I got in the habit of calling and asking if you needed anything. Coming out of WP for her would've sent her over the edge."

I reach out and take his hand. "Don't be sad tonight, Elliot. We can be that later. But not tonight."

He takes my hand and pulls my knuckles to his lips. "I'm not."

"Good," I whisper.