Chapter Eighteen

I'm sooooo sorry it's taking me forever to update! I had a lot of work and school and, oh, the writer's block! Ugh I'm really sorry! Trying to update regularly!

•••

I can't have Elliot as my partner anymore. We kissed. We laid together as lovers, we...what are we anymore?

Whatever we are, I can't be his partner anymore. IAB would throw their little hissy fit over it. Tucker would...I don't even want to think about that right now.

I sit at the desk nobody ever uses and sulk. That's before I hear some familiar voices.

"Liv? That you?"

I look up to see Munch, and instant smile across my face. I'm up quickly and hugging him, hanging on tight.

I hear who I know has to be Fin, so I look up and go to hug him.

"'Ey, Babygirl, how you doin'?!"

"I'm doing better now, Fin," I say. Babygirl was always my pet name for him. And just hearing it makes me feel better. I am, more or less, the baby of the group. and I always have been. Everyone's first priority. I never let it bother me, simply, because I never acknowledged it. But I'm okay to know it now.

His hug is the tightest - it has always felt that way to me. After our reunion is over, I hear the familiar pounding of footsteps coming into the squadroom.

I'm not allowed on this case, for whatever reason, probably because I'm behind on paperwork. But I can't focus. I keep getting distracted by their conversations and problem solving and all these things I used to do. Is this Nick Amaro supposed to be a good partner for Elliot? I can't tell. Or maybe I just don't like it.

After awhile, I can't take seeing this man at my desk and I go to the cribs. I'm not tired, but I pretend to be.

Good thing he won't take my bunk.

I lie down and stare at the metal frame above me until I fall asleep. When I realize I've done so, it's because Elliot is shaking my shoulder.

"Liv, wake up."

I blink a couple times then look to my left. Elliot's sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Hm?" I ask.

"What are you doing up here?"

"I was tired. I needed to rest," I lie.

"Great, now what's the real reason?"

He was always able to see right through my bullshit. "That is the reason," I tell him, hoping my voice isn't shaking.

"Liv, it's just me and you here."

That oddly gives me a dose of comfort. I nod, sitting up. "What if...What if Cragen doesn't want me anymore?"

I didn't really realize that was my thought process until now. I guess I have to run with it.

"Liv, you're not replaceable."

"That partner of yours sure seems like a replacement."

"He's not all that great, Liv. Trust me."

"Well it doesn't matter because as soon as IAB finds out-"

"Did you think things would be the same after I got shot? No matter what happened, things would never return to normal. Who was your partner when-"

"Fin. Fin was my partner while you were dead. And I hated it."

"Well, there. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing has been for a very long time. But..."

I feel his fingers under my chin.

"...if things were still the same, Kathy would be alive. You would still be going he to an empty apartment. No kids. No family. You have one now. You were always meant to have one."

"So Kathy was meant to die?"

"I don't know. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she would've left anyways. I guess we'll never know, will we?"

I move towards his touch, taking in his words. He's right. How could I have ever thought things would be the same as before? Would I even be okay with that? The Benson and Stabler SVU duo, but with never having kids to call mine? I still have Elliot and my kids now, but will I be able to trust someone the way I trusted Elliot?

No. I won't.

I shake my head and lie that I'm still tired. He lets me rest.

After a couple hours, I decide its best to just go home. I take my files with me so I can at least try to get some paperwork done.

I sneak - because I know someone will say something - out and rush home, the only one there is Maureen with Eli. She seems surprised to see me.

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Just paperwork," I tell her, shaking my head. "Can do that anywhere."

Maureen nods, looking unconvinced. "Well I've got some stuff to take care of. You good here?"

I nod. "Always."

Maureen gives me a quick hug before leaving. Eli is busy building with blocks, as per usual. I sit with him, play with him, and forget work for the day. Until Elliot comes home.

"Hey, where'd you go today?" he asks, giving me a hug.

"Here. I couldn't be there anymore."

"So, what? You're just going to quit the job you love?" he asks seriously.

Is that what it's coming down to? I don't want to quit. I would never work anywhere else. I don't want to work anywhere else.

But I can't do it if Elliot isn't my partner anymore.

"I don't know," I admit, feeling tears forming on my cheeks. Elliot pulls me back to him, letting me cry in to his shirt.

After a couple minutes, he says, "You don't have to go back if you don't want to."

"I do. But not if you're not my partner," I admit, refusing to leave his arms.

"We'll figure something out. Right now, I think someone wants your attention."

I turn and look down when I feel something at my leg. Eli is using my leg to hold himself up. Smiling through my fading tears, I bend down and pick him up.

He giggles when I tickle him. It's enough to make me laugh.

"You'll always have me around, Liv," Elliot says behind me. "And him. And Dickie and the girls. None of us are going anywhere."

I nod, still unsure if I can go back to SVU. Maybe I can make it work.

~3 months later~

"I'm so glad you're okay!" I exclaim, going to John's hospital bedside. He got shot, twice. In the shoulder and collarbone.

I can't hug him tightly without hurting him, but he can still wrap his left arm around me.

"Liv, I'm not letting you get rid of me."

I smile and wipe my eyes. Everyone else in the squad then gets to talk to him, since I pushed them all out of the way twenty seconds ago.

Once John is cleared to go home, the squad all hangs at his place.

"So what's gonna happen to me, Cap? I can't write with my left hand so I can't even do desk duty," he says sarcastically upset.

"What do you wanna do, John?"

~•~

I watch with tears in my eyes as John empties his desk. He's decides on early retirement. Which, approaching his later years, I can't argue he shouldn't do this, but I'm going to be losing another part of me. How long is it until Cap retires?

I don't wait long for the answer.

It's only another two months until Captain's retirement. The way I find out is not a happy one either.

On my desk, Cragen drops a folder. I pick it up and read the paper inside.

"Sergeant's exam?" I ask. "Captain I'm not ready-"

"You've been my number two for a very long time, Liv. You're ready. I wouldn't give this to you unless you were."

I nod slowly, scared to death.