Chapter Fifteen

Sorry it took me so long to update! I worked all weekend! And stupid school and homework 😁😒

•••

"You're not just some person they were put in foster care with. They needed a motherly figure and I wouldn't have anyone else be that but you," Elliot tells me.

I half smile and push myself to him so he has to wrap his arms around me again.

"Okay," I whisper.

I feel him kiss my head again so I turn to look upwards. He then kisses my lips.

Again.And again.

And then it's...am I really making out with Elliot Stabler?

All too soon he breaks the kiss, but his arms stay around me. Where I want them.

"Don't let those kids go. Don't let me go. You don't have to be alone."

"Being alone is all I know," I say, just above a whisper.

"It shouldn't be. If your going to let yourself be anything, be in this family," he requests. "If not for me or you, for them. For the baby who will never know who Kathy was."

"Guilt tripping much?"

"Is it working?"

"Little bit," I admit.

I pull away from him to go back to Eli, but Elliot won't let me go.

"Promise me. We all need you. And I know, on some level, you need us. Please, promise me."

Does he really mean this?

Well, he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't, I guess.

I stop my struggle and relax into his arms again. "I promise."

It's then he releases me.

~•~

"Liv, I don't have a problem with it. It's Tucker that's gonna shit himself over it."

I run my fingers through my hair, stopping my pacing. "It's not fair, though! He's suspected this for nine years! And now, he'll-"

"You thought he was dead. And now that he isn't, and he's out of WP for you to have, he'll never let you two be on cases together."

I feel tears forming but I suppress them. "Fine. Tell him I'll transfer back to Computer Crimes."

"Liv," I hear Cragen say.

"Please, Cap. I'm not letting him lose his job."

"He's going to go wherever he can so he can still be with you. He knows how important working for SVU is for you."

"I haven't gone through the hell he has. He can stay. That's final."

I walk out of his office and start packing up my things. I made sure to do this while no one was here so I wouldn't be bothered. Once everything is in a box, I shove it in my trunk. Then I drive home.

When I get there, I see more packed-up boxes. The Stablers have found a house not to far from here. I'm helping them move their things today. Maureen is even moving out of her apartment and into the home. So is Kathleen, when she's not at school, of course.

I take the job of watching Eli and setting up his room. I only do it because I want to feel like a mother to him for as long as possible, now that I'm done living the role.

Eli sits in his Pack-N-Play, bouncing up and down excitedly while I set up his new bed. A big big bed.

Once that's done, I put his clothes in his dresser and toys wherever they please. Finally, I can take him out and play with him.

I put him in my lap and snuggle him and play-wrestle until he goes to his blocks. I start stacking them when I notice a paper crumpled in with the wooden cubes.

I take it and uncrumple it, seeing handwriting that I know to be Elliot's; I've seen it so many times its inscribed in my brain.

"Move in wif us, Wivvie?-Eli'

I look over to the baby hitting blocks together. "Did you write this?" I ask.

"Uh huh!" he replies, nodding.

Elliot sure knows how to train a kid to do things, I guess.

I go back to building towers, my heart and brain in a million different directions.

Move in? I can't just move in. But...I want to. I love them so much. And Eli. I need him. He's been mine since he was 5 months old. I raised him.

And the others...I can't lose them either. I just...I can't.

But I can't move in. I...

"Wivvie!" Eli interrupts my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"Tower!"

I nod and build up a big tower. It almost reminds me of Godzilla, the way he walks and knocks it down. He walks all the way to me and tries to knock me down, so I fall back.

He laughs and falls on me, so I flip us over and tickle him. His shrieks fill the room, which is a sound I can never get enough of. It's so adorable.

I hear the door open and by the way the footsteps sound, I know it's Elliot.

I sit up after I hear the door close, and Eli is still giggling on the floor. Elliot site next to me.

"Did you get Eli's note?"

I smile and let out a small laugh. "Yes I did. He has terrible handwriting, by the way."

"He's not even two, you can't expect too much out of him, Liv."

I roll my eyes. "So why was it in the bin of blocks?"

"He wasn't sure where to put it. He didn't want to lose it so it had to be somewhere safe," he explains, with the upmost seriousness.

"Ah. So what's up?"

"I wanted to see why he was screaming."

"He was laughing."

"That too. I was missing out on all the fun."

"You were," I tell him.

"So what did you think of said note?" Elliot tells me, suddenly telling me the real reason he's in here.

"It was cute," is all I say.

"Cute? You aren't going to elaborate?"

"El, I can't move in!"

"Why not?" he asks.

"Why not?! There's a million reasons 'why not'!"

"No there isn't. If you would stop being so stubborn and set on making life hard for yourself, you'd do it."

"I don't make my life hard for-"

"You do, Liv. You always have had a hard life, but when it was supposed to be easy for you to make decisions, you second guess and-"

"I do not!"

"Whatever. Just think about it, Liv. Think about how much those girls and boys will miss the only mother figure they had left. How much Eli will ask for you. How much I'll wonder why you aren't letting yourself be happy."

"I'm happy," is my only defense.

"Maybe for now," he mumbles. "Just, think about it. Come on. Let's go break in the living room."

"Let me put him down first. He's tired."

Eli yawns to confirm it.

"Okay."

When he leaves, I pick up my baby boy - who isn't really mine anymore, but he is - and he curls up in my arms. "Should Livvie move in with you?" I ask him. Yes, I am relying on a 17 month old to answer this for me.

He giggles. "Yah!"

It pulls at my heart. But is it enough to make me say yes?

~•~

First day at computer crimes. I never told Elliot. Or anyone, really. Just Cragen. Just before I'm supposed to go in, I go to SVU. They always start an hour early, so I know everyone's there.

Not able to go in, I glance around. I see Elliot staring at my now, empty desk. Though I can't see his head, I know what he's thinking.

"You can go in, you know," I hear behind me. I jump. When I turn, I see Cragen.

"I can't. I just...I wanted to see how it was without me."

"You were the baby sister here, Liv. Everyone wrapped around your finger. We all love you. It's going to be different without you."

I nod sadly. "Do they know?"

"That you're in computer crimes? Yes. Why? No."

"How's Elliot?"

"Not well. You should talk to him."

"Don, I can't. I can't go in and explain to him why I cut myself off. He-"

"Take from fatherly advice, Liv. He loves you. I don't get how you can't see that, but he does. He'll do anything to help you. And I know you'd do anything to help him. So do him a favor and explain yourself. It'll go a long way for both of you."