Chapter Fourteen

When I wake, Elliot isn't there.

Must've been a dream, I think.

But it felt like it was real.

I roll over, out of bed, making my way to the kitchen.

When I get to my door, I realize Eli isn't in his crib. Where is he?

I open my door, immediately smelling bacon. My god I haven't had that in ages...

Wait, where the hell did these kids get bacon?

I make an appearance around the corner and see everyone awake and eating, talking, or playing cards. Or all of the above.

"Hey," I nearly whisper. "What's..."

"Thought we'd let you sleep," Elliot says, coming towards me. "Hungry?"

So it wasn't a dream...my stomach starts to bubble.

I shrug. I could eat but I wouldn't say I'm hungry.

"Eat something." Elliot's hand is at my lower back. He pushes me towards the stools at the island and makes me sit. He puts a plate in front of me and I begin picking at it.

I watch the kids argue over something in their game of poker, but it...it's different. They're all laughing anyways and enjoying each other's company. It warms my heart.

"Food's not getting any warmer," I hear Elliot say, snapping me from my daze. I jump and stab to scrambled eggs with my fork. The food hits my taste buds with a little explosion.

"Since when can you cook like this?" I ask Elliot.

"Since forever," he replies.

"Bullshit!" Kathleen and Maureen said together. I thought they were talking to their siblings but then I see they are standing up, coming into the kitchen.

"He knows how to pour cereal and burn water. That's it."

"I'm not that bad," Elliot defends.

"He is," Maureen assures me. I smile.

"Well from what I know you can't cook either, Liv."

That's not true, but I'll let him believe it for now. "Well sorry I was with you and not at the stove."

"Liv can cook, from what she's actually made," I hear Lizzie say. I see her get up just as I look back at my food.

"Yeah 'cuz boiling noodles is so hard," I tell her.

She rolls her eyes. "Still better than Dad."

I smirk and continue eating.

"Not nice!"

"You know it's true, Dad."

They argue about it long enough for me to eat all my food. I'm pretty sure Elliot kept it going because he wants me to eat. Why? Who knows.

When I'm done, I go to shower, then realize why Elliot was so weird about me eating. I stand in front of the mirror and notice I can faintly see my ribs. Have I seriously not been eating?

Thinking back, it is possible. I would quickly make up some sort of dinner for the kids then run out, telling them I'd get something on the way. I wouldn't. When I found out Elliot was alive it made me more reserved. It really is possible.

My god.

I shower quickly and change into baggier clothes, hoping it's not too noticeable. But if I'm noticeably skinnier...

I walk back out to the rest of the apartment. All but Elliot and Eli are gone. Elliot is busy with dishes - that he doesn't have to do - do I sneak over to Eli. Well, when he yells, "Wivvie!" I can't really be sneaking, can I?

"What what?!" I ask, all excited.

He tells me something I can barely understand. I play along with him as he bounces around in his high chair. Eventually, I take him out and let him play on the floor. I sit with him, where I end up building block towers just so he can knock them down.

When I see an hour has passed - and Elliot is now sitting on the couch behind me, watching, I ask, "So where did everybody go?"

"They said they were going out. That's all I know."

I raise my eyebrows.

"I swear to god, Liv! They just said they'd be gone a few hours."

"Whatever," I mumble, finishing off another tower. Which is destroyed in ten seconds. But the baby does sit down afterwords, so I pull him into my lap and tickle him. He laughs that innocent baby laugh that makes me feel so warm. Nothing has hurt him and he has not hurt anyone. So innocent.

"What, so am I just supposed to sit and watch you two be cute?"

Is he trying to flirt with me?

I roll my eyes. "Fine. But when he cries about no more block towers, you're building them and ducking from the debris."

"Just come up here."I smirk and push my legs straight enough to where I can bounce up on to the couch behind me.

Eli is still in my lap, but now I'm being held by Elliot. I'm pretty much okay with it too, which still surprises me. It surprises me also when I lean my head on to his collarbone. He just holds my shoulders a bit tighter.

"So since he can't understand anything, I'll ask this now since you have a minute."

I start growing nervous. "What?"

"Is there a reason you've become depressed?"

That last word looms in my mind. Depressed.

"W-What makes you think that?"

"I was your partner for nine and a half years, I know when something's wrong,-" he pulls me back to him as I try to stand "-so don't play that. You've lost weight. And now you have baggy clothes on to hide it. Even with me back, you seem distanced, cut off. Those kids don't make you happy like they used to."

I feel hurt over the last sentence. "Those kids make me happier than ever. Don't say that." Eli senses my worry and stands on my thighs, looking at me, touching my face.

"Wivvie!" he exclaims, oblivious to rhe serious conversation. It makes me laugh. I tickle him and he falls back to the couch cushion.

"Go play, okay? I'll build more towers later."

He literally jumps off the couch - me barely able to hold him enough so he doesn't fall. Eli then sits and allows himself to bang blocks together. My attention goes back to Elliot, but I scoot away, turning sideways, my feet up on the cushion I was just on.

"Just tell me," Elliot says. "I'm not going to get mad. Or upset."

I stare off, not sure what I'm even so out of place about. It is the kids. But it isn't.

"I don't know," is how I start. Then comes what I just thought about. "It could be the kids."

"You're not used to having-"

"That's not it!" I erupt. "It's the fact they aren't mine! They were never mine! They never will be mine! They're moving away and out and I'll go back to how it was before and I'll pretend to be fine with that so much I'll think it's true."

"Liv, th-"

"Don't 'Liv' me!" I nearly yell, earning a scared cry from Eli as I stand up. My mood instantly softens.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell," I coo to Eli. He yawns, so I take him to his crib. I try to stay in there as long as possible but I know I'm going to have to go out there sooner or later.

When I do, I'm immediately in a tight hug I can't escape from. It doesn't matter, though. I know it's Elliot and that I'm going to cry. Well, look at that. I am crying. Hard.

He turns us so he can lean against the wall, keeping me in his arms as he kisses my head, rubs my back.

"Shhh...Liv, it's okay."

Who knows what I've held in for so long. But I'm crying it out. I need to cry. I haven't done that in awhile.

My sobs continue, and Elliot just does his little comforting thing until I am just that: comforted.

"They are your kids, Liv. Each and every one of them."

"No they aren't. They never were. I just filled in for a while. It's okay," I say, lighting up my tone.

"No, it's not okay for you to think that. They love you. And need you."

"I can't be a fill in for-"

"Liv," he says quietly, pushing me away a little. His hands hold my head. "Kathy is gone. She's not coming back. You need to accept it. Everyone except you has already."

Me? Out of anyone, me?!

"Kathy trusted you to take care of them. She knew you would do it. Because you love them so much. You'd do anything for them no matter the situation. Why is that different now? She still trusts you. You've done a perfect job."

Tears are still running in straight lines down my face. But he's right. I nod, realizing that what he's saying is all true.

Kathy trusted me. Now I have to trust her.

Am I good at doing that?