Chapter Twelve

12•••

   You're dizzy to disorientation when you wake. You're not even sure how much of sleep you've acquired. It feels as though you had just closed your eyes, only to have them open again.

You're drained, and tired, and your heart is heavy. Heavier than it was last night, when Jennie left in her afflicted tears, after you decided your love affair was over- tears you will be sure to claim punishment for for causing.

Because you do not regret it.

You had to put your foot down before anyone else could step all over the both of you.

As much as you tried to convince yourself that this isn't a mistake, you wondered what would have been bound to happen if you didn't buckle so early. If it were in the cards, you wondered how different you would be when you finally stand in front of your father with your heart on your sleeve- how brave would you say that you've fallen in love? How strong would you stand your ground to say you're in love with Jennie?

You fell to a restless sleep without the answers, and you have awoken, still to none.

Only the remnants of last night's dispute linger.

Now, dawn looms over and you know you have plenty to face today. It makes your stomach churn and neck stiffen. If today will be tough, you wonder if you could even manage tomorrow.

Jennie will be dancing in her black dress, and you will be dancing in your discomfort, with men, with no pursuit.

There's plenty to face.

And you think you will start with Lisa.

•••

   You request Suho to leave after he returns to the stables with your sleepy-eyed friend. She appears to have rushed into her day clothes to meet you here once your royal guard woke her from her quarters. You were only waiting a good ten minutes, but it was a test to your patience as you recalled what Lisa had said to you about her good friend Sehun. Good friend, she said. 

"You lied to me." you say firmly, but still quiet in the morning air.

Lisa lifts her drooping head up, snapped awake from the accusation. "I would never." she says, and it serves as a slap in the face because you thought so, too.

"I saw you last night." you stare at her mute alarm, the fixed eyes and stiff body, "In the maze."

She shakes her head, "I didn't lie to you, Rosie."

"All the lights were off— you were kissing Sehun—"

"I-I thought that—" she palms her face and pushes back her hair in frustration, "I thought that we were just good friends, okay, and that he was perfect company, but... but things just happened—"

"In one week's time?" the distress is apparent on her face and the botheration on yours, "Lisa, he's a Northern boy."

"Then spare him!" she thunders—

"I can't." you speak louder, because you want her to hear you very clearly, "I don't have a say and neither does Jennie or any Northern person of power for that matter because this is our territory- Sehun is on our grounds, under our rules- you know what is at stake Lisa why would you do this?" you won't stand to watch her and the boy fall victim to a helpless romance. It is a conundrum you find difficult to understand, but acknowledge that you're in a similar boat nevertheless.

But with Lisa and Sehun, you have answers. You know what would happen if they continue this. Whipped at the post, three strikes for every year the charged has served as a palace subject. For Lisa, that amounts to five- that's fifteen strikes—

"It's not fair." she mumbles, looking at you painfully.

And gut-wrenching it is, because nothing about this life is fair. Lisa is your best friend, but she is a stable girl in the classes. She falls under your family's laws by default and it will always apply, even long after her work within these walls because for whatever Lisa knows about the royal family, god-forbid any of that relays to a Northern subject.

Even if she knows nothing more than your friendship, nothing more than both your ridiculous antics, die laughing stories, and comical horseplay- it's innocent with Lisa— but this law is in the name of politics. It doesn't matter what she shares with Sehun- it is and will be deemed as betrayal to the royal family.

You swallow the lump in your throat, "Put a stop to this, Lisa.". You're not messing around this time.

"It's not that simple—" she dares to speak back but-

"I said, put a stop to this." you order, and it stuns her to silence. You take a deep breath to keep your voice from shaking, "Don't make me tell you again." because you don't think you could muster enough power to.

You do not use kingship over Lisa. You do not get angry.

But this isn't just one of those games you like to pull on each other. This is beyond the promises of your friendship, and this is you reminding her of where she stands in the world- your world- where she's entangled herself in.

"You should go." Lisa turns away and wipes her tired eyes. You step to approach her, you can't tell if she's crying, but the door handle shackles and the lights of the rising sun shine in the stables.

"Why, you two are up early."

You turn around to face your coach who smiles kindly at you both, "Good morning, Rufus." you say, bright and cheery to mask the dead air between you and Lisa.

"No wonder Suho is standing outside."

Your stomach churns tighter.

You lock eyes with Lisa and you're both alarmed that your royal guard might have heard your conversation.

You told him to wait back at the palace.

"I thought you weren't coming back until Sunday." Lisa directs her attention to her father and walks over to see the contents of his satchel.

You clasp your hands together behind your back, digging your nails to your skin because you're growing aggravated for every second you think Suho was standing there to eavesdrop.

"Come and look, Roseanne." Rufus beckons you over and you force interest as he tells you both of the new herbs he acquired for Orange's healing.

Today would be one week since your stallion's dreariness started and it seems he is not getting better in time, but his condition hasn't worsened further thanks to Rufus and Lisa's care. You thank them both, especially grateful that your coach still comes by to check up on your stead.

"And I'll leave you two to it." you say, taking the opportunity to slip out as they begin to discuss about the herbs. Lisa shoots you a look of uncertainty, but you gesture a nod to let her know you will take care of what was overheard.

Right when you exit the stables, you catch Suho scramble away from the door. He avoids your gaze, poised in position- as if he wasn't listening to your conversations.

You shut the door rather harshly. "I thought I told you to wait at the palace." you stand in front of the guard- his mighty figure shrinks as you stare coldly at him. "How much did you hear?"

He doesn't speak a word, nor does he remove his eyes from straight ahead.

"Answer me, Suho." you demand, trying your hardest to remain calm. Put away the pent up anguish and shove it so far down so you don't allow it to cause an outburst. You clench your jaw and bite your tongue to prevent any crass remarks you might just spit.

He clears his throat and says with regret, "I hadn't missed a word since I stepped out, Your Highness.".

You bite your tongue harder.

You don't want to be upset.

"I'm duly sorry to have disrespected your privacy, Princess. I take full responsibility of my poor actions."

You don't want to play antagonist. It's exhausting and it only adds pounds and pounds of guilt on your shoulders until you're too tired to carry them up high. It beats you down to size, smaller than the people born inferior to you.

You don't want to be angry with anybody because you are not like your father.

"Let this serve as a warning, then." you mumble, "Speak of this to anyone and I'll be forced to take further action." and you walk away from him, away from the stables.

You suck in a breath. Your hands are shaking and you realize how suffocating confrontation is, how tense your muscles are now that you can breathe a little better.

When you exhale, a pain twists in your stomach. You're starting to find an awful pattern between cramps and anxiety.

You just hope the headache doesn't come with it this time.

There's still much to endure for the day.

   And next was supposed to be breakfast, but as you approached the dining room, it felt as if your throat was closing in. Your empty stomach juggled your insides and you limited the air coming into your lungs, getting that same gagging sensation like you did on the day of the Cup.

One look at the food and you thought you might just throw up.

Nearing the door, you heard the clink clanks of cutlery and the deep voice of your father. You took a moment to recompose, relax your body and clear your mind before deciding to go in there because you weren't sure if you could stomach any more rolls of emotions once you did enter to join him and Jennie.

But when you took a few more steps closer to the door, you got a whiff of grilled sausages and you didn't stop yourself from diverting the direction you came and bolting to your room.

You sat against your hot tub for the rest of the morning in case your flighty thoughts made you dizzy enough to project out bile.

You tried to make peace with yourself. Understand that it was only right to confront Lisa about Sehun and reprimand Suho for eavesdropping. It is nothing to feel guilty about because it was necessary— a necessary evil, you countered for a minute, but settled on the fact that it was protocol.

You wished you could have said the same for Jennie, but there's no handbook for this labyrinth, and nothing could outweigh your remorse for ruining what you two had.

Or what was only the start.

Or what could have been.

What you had with Jennie was never certain. You could not ignore the truth that she hadn't confessed her feelings for you. For all you know, it was just all about sex— She can't think straight when she is around you, she said. Be that as it may, your overthinking resorted to all the possible reasons why her words could mean lust over love.

You argued and quarreled with yourself because you couldn't accept that it was all for sexual pleasures, but didn't want to measure Jennie's deeds based on love. The longing stares, the butterfly kisses, the rub of her thumb, the ease to your mind, the way she called you baby, everything else Jennie did for you- which of these wouldn't count for love?

You couldn't fathom it. Be it her intentions with you or the encompassing of her love- you couldn't understand.

   You wonder if you ever will, because the odd demeanor standing in front of you is making it much more difficult.

"Guests will be arriving at seven o'clock sharp and you will both make your entrance at exactly seven forty five." Jisoo says, her voice echoing in the decorated ball room, fashionably ready for tomorrow's evening. "King Mason will say his greetings, the ball begins, you greet the guests, mingle here and there..." the run down of the program fades into the background of your ears.

You don't mean to get distracted, but the brunette beside you is all you can think about.

You're still strung up on the way Jennie greeted you when you entered.

She pursed her lips, and flashed a thin smile— Forced, but a smile nonetheless.

"Morning" she said, quiet and worn out, but you expected nothing from Jennie— maybe an eye roll or a noticeable distance between the two of you.

But she stands no more than an arm's length away. She stands with no overpowering confidence, doesn't stare at you like aiming daggers- doesn't look at you at all, in fact- but there is no adversity emitting off her aura. No awkwardness, no tension, no sign if she's upset with you or not.

You can't feel anything from Jennie.

And you think, maybe she's brought her walls back up. Maybe you're done getting to know her and you're done with your list because maybe she's finally decided that you're no longer welcome- no more walks in the trail, light classes in the library, late night conversations, casual conversations- nothing casual anymore.

You feel estranged to the girl standing beside you, as though both of you aren't tainted in the treacherous endeavors you've done together.

It makes you uncomfortable as your mentor goes over the reminders for the event. It gives you strong impulses to take a glance at Jennie every time your peripheral vision fools you to think she's looking at you. You want to speak to her, but you don't know what to say. You don't think you even deserve to be the first one to open conversation after last night.

"And you, Rosie, you will be asked for a dance by Sir Jungkook, Sir Vernon, and Sir Mark, accordingly."

Your ears sharpen at the three names, "I'm sorry?"

"For the waltz. Your father told you he invited three suitors, did he not?" Jisoo asks.

The feline eyes fall on you and it is not just the corner of your vision lying to you this time.

"Y-Yes, he... He did- I'm sorry, carry on, please." you stutter under her stare, and when she looks away, you sneak a glance. Her expression has not changed.

"Shall we go over the entrance?" Jisoo asks, already advancing to the grand doors and beckoning you to follow. "I will start with the introductions and you two must enter on cue." she says.

You position yourself beside Jennie and face the inside of the room. As Jisoo walks back in to take her place in the center of the floor, reading over her papers, you take the silence with Jennie as the time to just ask her how she is. You don't need anything more than to know she's fine- you won't force her into telling you anything more.

You gather your scattered thoughts, lick your dry lips, puff up your chest and—

"Have you eaten?" she speaks her words first.

It fills your chest with something much more than the air you've sucked in. Her voice swells a light warm blaze inside you, coated with honey syrup in its sweetness. But it's washed by an ice cold wave to shake you to the bone because you do not deserve to be asked such a question of care.

"You weren't at breakfast, nor lunch." she continues, as your nonsensical mind stammers over the words you want to say.

You force your tongue to untangle, "I was with Lisa." a little white lie to presume you weren't reveling in a nervous breakdown on the bathroom floor.

"Fixing damage control, Princess?" she inquires, and the title is filthy in the way she speaks.

You mumble back, "We just talked.", not moving an inch to face her.

Jisoo glances up at you both, "Ready?" she asks and you nod in response.

"Ready, mentor Chu," Jennie replies, then she lowers her tone to say to you, "To tear them apart, I'm sure."

Her remark doesn't sting as much as it should, and it is because she said it in the most nonchalant manner. "Please, not here." you whisper back, because whatever she's playing at can wait until you're alone.

Jisoo has started reading through the program.

Jennie condescends, "Whatever you say, Princess." 

You finally snap your head to her, "Stop calling me that."

"Why?" and your breath hitches when she does the same, "That's what you are- you have much pride in it." looking at you with poor sentiments. What was of her emotionless eyes, now bore into you with a hard stare- gnawing at your dignity because you've been gambling with the Princess card all day. "What's there to honor with a title when you have no self-respect"

"Self-respect?" you have plenty of—

"How do you think you'll manage as Queen when you have no back bone— you're too feeble to talk back at your spiteful father—"

"I said, not here Jennie"

"I don't take orders from you." she barks and you clamp your mouth shut.

You turn away from each other, your backs to the tension between you because it might just spiral out of control with one more insult.

You can't even defend yourself because all she has said is true. You lean back on superiority when things get tough, yet you fall inferior, belittled and silenced by your father for the most harmless matters- and you have no pedestal to run to when it comes to Jennie because she stands just as high as you.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Your Royal Highness, Princess Jennie Ruby Jane Kim of North Marcadia,"

Jennie's candor is put to rest when Jisoo reads out the cue. She straightens herself and holds her head up high, but you falter on your stance, too rattled and strained by the truth.

"Together with Your Royal Highness, Princess Roseanne Park of South Marcadia."

And for whatever Jennie has left to say, as much as it would hurt to hear, you want her to do exactly that- hurt you, shame you, tear you apart because that is what you deserve.

But Jennie doesn't finish the libel she started. Once rehearsals are completed, she excuses herself to telephone her parents.

Going after her, you don't even make it past the door before Suho interrupts your chase. "Sir Joo-young has arrived and is looking for you for the fitting, Your Highness."

"Can't it wait?" you expire, and he lowers his head immediately, mumbling an apology but "Suho, it's not—" it's not him you are frustrated at. "Spare me five minutes, please." you just need to talk to Jennie.

"Your father waits with him, Princess." he says, letting you know you have no choice but to hurry. "He told me that he would like your opinion on the tailor of his suit."

You sigh in defeat and nod your head. Suho looks up behind you and you turn to see Jisoo gathering the last of her things. Then he shifts his gaze to the floor when you snap back to him. He gives a subtle nod, as if to assure you that he has no intentions of telling your friend about Lisa and Sehun.

As he should.

"Are you off to the fitting, Rosie?" Jisoo wrings her arm with yours.

You manage a smile at your friend, "Not without you, of course" and with one last eye for certainty at Suho, you head for the next agenda of the day.

•••

By the time dinner comes around, you're starving. You hadn't eaten anything all day and it has put you in a prissy mood. And it doesn't sit well with the fact that you haven't seen Jennie since this afternoon, when you never got to the end of your discredit.

At the fitting, you couldn't stop thinking about what else Jennie could say about you- what other awful traits could she number down until you think you've had enough. You were fighting every inch of your body that froze in tension on the platform, getting incredibly impatient because Sir Joo-young said last touch three touches ago— and father was watching.

The resistance lasted the entire afternoon. Sir Joo-young left, father disappeared into his office, and you, you dashed to dining room, only to find the table set for one.

Your mouth is watering at the food, stomach growling and compressing for something to devour.

But you tuck your chair back in with a thwarting groan because you take this as a sign to go look for Jennie— a terrible timing for a sign. You thought you could at least get the brunt of her words while filling your stomach.

You go straight to Jennie's room and find a trolly with a tin over her plated food, hot and untouched. You glance around for Joy, but you are alone in the hall.

You wipe your sweating palms over your dress, gather courage, and knock on the door three times. A moment passes and you knock again. You wait a moment longer for an answer, but when one doesn't come you twist the knob, only to find it locked.

You open your mouth to speak your presence, but figure she would have more reason not to answer the door. So instead, you step back. You turn around and walk away because you won't force unwanted companionship into her privacy.

You head back to the dining and you eat alone.

•••

But you were not about to eat breakfast alone, too.

"Is she awake?" you ask Joy as you approach Jennie's door.

"I'm afraid, I do not know, Princess." the timid servant stands beside the trolly of last night. You lift the tin and the dinner is still perfectly plated. "I've come to fix the bed dressings, but—"

You knock on the door, "Jennie?". You twist the knob and its still locked, "Jennie, could you open the door?" you ask kindly, but you're just about ready to burst it open because you're getting worried. You tell Joy to take the trolly and return with a fresh meal of breakfast, and just as she's about to leave, the door swings open. "Jesus—" you push Jennie back in and you join her in the room, shutting the door before Joy could see the unkempt state of the Princess.

Jennie stumbles back, "What's with the push?" she snarls, putting down the glass half empty of rich red wine, nearly missing the bedside table.

"Jennie, what..." You look around the room- the curtains are closed to shell out the sun, the bedsheets are draped to the floor, clothes and suitcases sprawled about, two bottles of wine on the desk— empty—

"What do you want?" she croaks, reaching for the bed and plopping down to sit. She holds her heavy head and massages her temples, elbows on her knees.

You step closer to her and you smell the alcohol she's consumed, almost like she's drenched in it. "W-What are you doing, Jennie?" you ask, even if the scene says it all. She's drunk and she's packing up, but you want her to tell you differently because you don't want her to leave.

She lifts her head, eyes bloodshot and tired, expression between absence of mind and annoyance that you've come to bring her back from her daze.

"Have you been drinking all night?" you wonder what for- which of what she said before is true right now, is it to forget or have fun—

"I don't answer to you"

"For god's sake Jennie" you cup her face and you carry her dropping head in the palm of your hands, "You're burning up"

"Let go of me" she says, but she doesn't even try to pull apart from you. You don't let go.

"You're dehydrated a-and—" you look around the room for a glass of water, but it's only the half filled glass of wine in sight. "Come on, it's time to sober up." you brush her messy hair with your fingers, and run the pad of your thumb over her cheek to wake her senses, but she only looks at you with dull eyes and words unsaid- she wants you to let go.

You don't want to but you won't force it either, "H-Here, lie down." you help her on the bed and rest her head on the pillow. You pick up the sheets and rest them over her.

Jennie keeps her gaze down and past you, possibly staring at nothing at all. Not only do her eyes spell lack of sleep, but her pale complexion, sullen lips, and deadpan expression tell you this was in no means to have fun. She looks awful.

You look down at the luggages opened and messily packed. It pangs your chest thinking this is all because of you.

"Can I... Can I get you anything?" you shuffle around the room, picking up fallen decors and put back misplaced belongings because you're too jittered to do anything else. "I told Joy to bring you breakfast."

"I'm not hungry"

"Horseshit" you blurt- your chastity unfiltered by worry and concern.

Jennie blinks at you for a pause, at the vulgar language you just said to her. You can't believe it either, but there are still a few other bold words on your mind.

You walk in the bathroom and drench a wash cloth with cold water, coming back to sit on the edge of the bed.

Jennie continues to stare at you before turning on her side to have her back to you.

You reach over to place the cloth on her forehead, but she grabs your wrist and pushes it away, "I'm fine."

"Jennie," you just want to help—

"I don't need anything from you."

And what else, you think. What else does she have to say— go ahead Jennie say it— hurt me, break me a thousand times over because I've made a mistake.

"Please, Rosie, just go."

With father, with Lisa and Sehun, and with Jisoo and Suho— with her goddamn it—

"I'll be ready in time for the ball, just—" she sucks in a breath and closes her eyes, "Just leave me. Please." she says, and you know that if you really want to help then you will leave her be.

You're upsetting her and you'll just make everything worse.

"Okay," you stand from the bed, "Okay, I'll..." you replace the glass of wine with the cloth and you shuffle to the door, "I'll go" even if you only wish to stay with her- hold her- kiss her if you're being really honest— "Your food will be here soon." and you close the door on your way out.

You brisk through the hall, down the stairs, hoping to go unnoticed with the liquor in your hand because goodness, it's only ten in the morning.

You almost steer clear of anyone on the way to the kitchens, but the world decides to be against you on this escape too.

Yeri halts in front of you, eyes shifting between the alcohol and your own shock that she's exited the lounge in such perfect timing. She stutters a greeting.

You hold the glass intently and smile like you mean it, "Yes, Yeri?".

She clears her throat and bows her head, shifting to act like this is completely normal, "You have a guest in the lounge, Princess." she points to the ajar door.

"A guest?" you are not expecting any visitors until tonight.

"A close friend, Your Highness." she says.

You peer through the gap and you're stunned to see who it is. You'll aways recognize the broad back.

"Of course," you straighten yourself, patting down on your dress, "Thank you, Yeri." you say, and she leaves you to your privacy with one last bow and one last look at the alcohol.

Before entering, you take a swing of the wine until you down the entire glass.

Just for some liquid courage.

Placing it down on the nearest display table, you shake off the tingles and you enter the room.

Chanyeol turns to the sound of the door. "Good morning, Roseanne." he says, a genuine smile on his face.

"Hi, Chanyeol," you smile back, advancing in the room. He stands by the window in a perfectly tailored navy blue suit, hair gelled neatly, and you can't deny how dashing he looks with the way he carries himself so well. "You've cleaned up nicely."

He chuckles humbly at the comment and he looks at you with soft eyes, "I knew I had to look my best for the grand occassion." and you wonder what has changed over the course of these past weeks to have him act so kindly to you, after how indifferent he became when he left.

"I do appreciate you accepting the invitation." you say, fumbling with the upholstery of the couch. You're not sure what more to say.

And he understands this, because he brings up why you're both here in the first place. "I've been unfair to you, Rosie." his lips curve down as he speaks, along with his gaze to the floor. "After what happened with us and my dad and..." you catch his eyes again, but this time, they hold his apologies. "You deserve an explanation for why I acted the way I did. For the longest time, making sure Lisa wouldn't find out about how much I liked you was always on my mind, but I also knew it would have been unavoidable anyway had things turned out the way I wished for us."

You don't say anything to hear him out, and you don't break from his gaze either.

"And when she did find out I didn't know what else to do but run away. I knew if I stayed I wouldn't be able to keep myself from you, Roseanne. If I stayed, Lisa wouldn't be comfortable around the two of us." he steps away from the window and approaches you, "I'm sorry for running." he says, no doubt in his words that he truly is sorry.

And when he brings his hand to your cheek, you know what he says next is just as true. "I still care for you all the same, Roseanne. I think about you all the time," your eyes falter. You think to stop this before anything more is said, but you still don't know what to say exactly.

But Chanyeol has always been good at reading your mind, and he makes this easier for you "I understand if you've changed your mind, though." he puts his hand down, "You deserve someone better."

You take it in yours and you look back up at him, finally with some things to say, "You've always been one of my greatest protectors, Chanyeol." putting the smile back on his face, "You are a kind man. A good son, a loving brother, and a great friend. And I will always hold our friendship close to my heart." and you mean this, because you never speak empty words. "You're going to find someone who will love you dearly, Chanyeol. Someone who will show you love for what it truly is." you're sure of it, "And it will be magical."

You know, because you feel it with someone all too well.

You think you understand it now.