17

I stare blankly ahead of me, thinking of nothing in particular. I could hear Jisoo talking, but it was muffled since I wasn't really paying attention. Her voice becomes clearer the more I begin to snap out of my daze.

"It's just- I can't even imagine what you're going through right now."

I sit there in silence.

"I didn't know news traveled that fast." I say in a monotoned voice.

"I'm your nurse now, of course the doctor was going to tell me."

I hum in response and continue to stare ahead of me.

"Do you... want me to get you anything? Anything at all."

I sigh and look down at my hands. I feel my eyes beginning to sting from tears wanting to form. I try and blink quickly, suppressing the whimpers that my crying might create. I shake my head.

Jisoo looks at me with concern. She hesitantly steps towards me, placing her hand gently on my shoulder.

I sniffle, but clear my throat to try and cover it up.

"It's okay." Jisoo says, "You have every right to be upset."

She rubs her thumb along my shoulder. I sigh, not wanting to cry in front of her. I shake her hand off of my shoulder.

"Does this mean I can eat what I want?" I ask, still not looking at her.

She sighs.

"Yeah. I guess it does."

-

"So, Yusoi, I've heard the news. I'm terribly sorry." Doctor Lee says to me as he closes the door in his office.

"Yeah, well, we all knew it would happen sooner or later."

He smiles sadly to himself and walks over to his chair to take a seat.

"Are you not at all upset about the news?" He asks, reaching for a pen and opening his notepad.

"No." I say looking directly into his eyes.

"Huh." He says quietly, writing things down.

"I don't see why I'm here." I say, "It's not like you're going to need whatever you're writing down once I'm gone."

He looks up at me, stopping his writing.

"I requested to see you." He says.

"Why?"

"I wouldn't want us to leave things on a bad note."

I scoff.

"So, you set up this appointment to clear your conscience?" I say feeling a little bit insulted.

"Yusoi, I've known you since you were kid-"

"And I remember you saying that we should wait and see what happens. How's that working out doctor? Did your magical plan on waiting to see me die work in your favor?"

"I never intended for us to wait until you "die" per-say. I meant we should wait until we get a match."

I roll my eyes.

"I'm sure if your father were still here, he would have been able to pay for one."

I turn to look at him, becoming furious.

"No. He wouldn't have because the three jobs he was already working at every single hour of the day still wasn't enough to pay for the hospital bills. It wasn't enough for anything. And now," I say as I start to tear up, "None of his work was worth it. He's watching me as I die."

-

I kick the gravel lightly with my foot. I watch as the small rocks scatter. I bury my hands deeper into my jacket's pocket, hoping they would warm up soon. I suppose I could go inside, but I'd rather not see all of the sad looks the people give me as I walk past them.

"You really shouldn't be outside, you know."

I look up and turn to see Seojun standing by the bench. I chuckle.

"It's better than being in there." I mumble, looking back down at the ground.

I hear him let out a sigh before sitting next to me on the bench. He sat close, again, but his presence was warm, so I let it slide.

"The weather isn't getting much better." He says softly, staring out into the distance.

"It doesn't matter." I say, kicking some more of the gravel.

"So you're okay with freezing to death?" He asks, turning towards me.

I smile sadly to myself. Seojun stares at me as I continue to kick the rocks. He notices the worry that I try to hide displayed on my face. He looks away.

"Is everything... alright?" He asks in a tone with a mixture of worry and hesitation.

I stop kicking the gravel, the sound around us softening from the lack of rocks being pushed around.

"Do you want the truth?" I say, looking ahead like him.

I see him turn to me out of the corner of my eye. I refrain from turning towards him. He looks at me for a second, not answering my question. As though he was debating wanting to hear what I really had to say. He looks away from me.

"Has Jugyeong come and visit you yet?"

"Yeah, she has. Why? Want an update on her relationship?"

I hear him suck on his teeth.

"Sorry." I mumble.

"I'm trying to get over her." He says suddenly.

"Doesn't sound like an easy task." I reply.

He chuckles sadly.

"It doesn't seem like it will be one."

We sit there in silence for a little while. I contemplate going back to kicking the gravel, when I turn to him with a questioning look.

"Why are you here?" I ask, not trying to sound as rude as I probably already did.

"Oh." He says like he remembered something. He unties a plastic bag that he sat next to him, pulling out something and turning to me.

"Ta-da." He says, holding out a small container with a meal. "My mom made it specifically just for you and your diet." He says with a proud smile on his face.

I look at the meal box sadly. I suddenly couldn't hold back all of tears I did earlier. I try and wipe my face, but they just kept coming. Seojun looks at me, unsure of what to do.

"Are you- are you crying?" He asks in a worried tone.

I begin to cry harder, not looking at him. He sets the box on-top of the bag, turning back to me. He hesitantly brings his hands up and gently cups my face. I sniffle a little, trying to suppress anymore tears. I feel him stroke his thumb along my cheek.

"Hey, it's going to be okay."

I shake my head, letting out a few little sobs. He removes one of his hands from my cheek and brushes some of my hair behind my ear. He puts his hand back onto my cheek, wiping my tears softly. I finally look up at him with my, probably, red eyes. He smiles to me softly. His eyes twinkle.

"Thank you." I say as I quickly try to re-collect myself.

I gently remove his hands from my face, turning away from him once more as I dry off my tear stained cheeks.

"Do you remember when I told you how Suho and I stopped being friends?" He asks suddenly.

I nod my head, sitting further back on the bench.

"His dad was here that night because of it."

I turn to him.

"Suho and I had a friend, Seyeon."

I remember that name being brought up during Suho and his dad's fight.

"He was an idol. Not just that, he was a hard worker and a supportive friend." Seojun says gently.

I turn to look at him. Seojun smiles as he remembers his friend.

"One day, it was said that Seyeon was a bully back in school." He says, his smile falling into a frown. "Of course I didn't believe it because I knew him; Seyeon wasn't that type of person. He always put others first, no matter what." He sighs in frustration. He looks down at his hands. "That night-" He hesitates, a lump seemingly getting caught in his throat. He doesn't continue, a horrified look appears on his face.

I take my hand out of my pocket and move it closer to his. I carefully hold his hand, our fingers intertwining sweetly. He takes a deep breath, not seeming to be bothered by my action.

"He... the rumors-" He stops again.

I gently begin to rub circles with my thumb on the back of his hand.

"You don't need to finish; I can guess what happened." I say quietly.

He nods his head, looking back down. I feel his grip on my hand tighten just a bit.

"Why did you want to tell me this?" I ask.

He looks at me, holding back tears.

"I guess... I guess I just didn't want you to feel like your alone in feeling sad." He admits.

I give him a small smile.

"Thank you." I say to him.

"Yeah, well, don't get used to it." He says before he clears his throat.

He turns away from me, looking ahead once again. I expected him to just want to go back home, but he didn't move. I stare at him for a little while longer until I realize I'm still holding his hand. I look down at our hands feeling an odd rush of excitement burst throughout my body. What am I doing? I quickly take my hand away from his and decide to move over a little more on the bench. I turn my head away from him completely, cursing to myself. I stand up.

"I should go back inside; you were right, it is too cold." I say quickly, trying to hurriedly walk away.

He grabs my wrist, stopping me from doing so.

"What happened to you not wanting to go back in there?" He asks.

I couldn't quite tell, but his voice sounded hurt.

"I changed my mind." I lie.

I try to shake his hand off of my wrist, but his grip only tightens. He stands up as well, turning me towards him. He looks me in the eyes, like he's trying to figure out all of my deepest, darkest secrets. I try to look away, but even though he was trying to detect what was bothering me, his eyes were kind and mesmerizing. He sighs, probably failing at finding what out what is on my mind. His hand moves slowly down from my wrist to my hand, where he gently holds it. He looks down at my hand.

"Your hand is cold." He says.

I gulp in nervousness. What is he doing to me?

"That's why I want to go inside." I lie again.

He chuckles and looks back at me with a smile.

"Since when has the cold weather been a problem to you?"

Never.

"Just now." I say quickly, wanting to walk away. "It is too cold outside, I should have listened to you from the beginning."

All he does is smile at me. I look at him, confused. He walks back over to the bench, taking his seat and still holding my hand. He motions his head for me to take a seat next to him. I stand there, not really wanting to leave, but I also know I shouldn't stay. I sigh as I give in, walking to take the seat next to him; he lets go of my hand. I sit down, feeling incredibly awkward.

"Do you want to share the meal, then? I'm feeling hungry."

"No, uh, you can have it." I say.

He frowns at me.

"Hey, my mom made it just for you, remember? Besides, I don't want whatever this is."

"Then why did you offer to share?"

He opens his mouth to answer, but closes it because he can't think of anything. I smile.

"So, uh," I start, trying to take the obvious attention of the conversation off of me, "You said your friend was an idol, so, does that mean that you and Suho were trainees or?"

He chuckles.

"Suho? A trainee? Not even possible." He says.

"How come? Can he not sing?"

"That's one of the reasons why."

I laugh.

"Oh, and you can?" I say, teasingly.

He looks at me, pretending to be offended. He clutches his heart for dramatic measure.

"Actually," He says, no longer in his playful state, "I can sing."

I look at him with wide eyes. I 'psh' and shove his shoulder lightly.

"Yeah right. You're totally lying to me." I say.

He shakes his head.

"No I'm not."

"Oh yeah? Prove it." I say with confidence and cross my arms.

There's no way he can have the looks, the charisma AND the talent.

He clears his throat, suddenly becoming nervous.

"Uh, maybe another time."

I scoff.

"Come on, you got my hopes up and everything." I say.

"Maybe I will," He says. He turns to me with a cocky smile, "If you beg for it."

I blush.

"What?" I say, trying to play off my embarrassment.

"You heard me. My voice isn't free to hear, you know."

"That's ironic since all to do is talk." I tease.

He 'tsks'. I roll my eyes.

"Fine." I say.

He looks at me with a surprised smile.

"Wow, really? Show me what you got, then." He said, sitting back as though he's about to enjoy what I'm going to do.

I scoot back closer to him, linking my arm with his.

"What's this?" He asks, unimpressed.

I move a little bit closer and rest my chin on his shoulder. I meet his eyes and smile sweetly. Our faces are just centimeters apart; I can feel his breath tickle against my skin.

"Will you please sing? For me?" I ask in a quiet and soft tone.

He doesn't avert his eyes away from mine. I see a smile trying to sneak onto his face, but he hides it well. He finally turns his head away from me.

"Alright." He says.

I smile in victory.

"But you have to stay like this." He says, pointing with his other hand at how I am.

I roll my eyes.

"Deal." I say, moving my chin off of his shoulder.

I rest my head on his arm, feeling much warmer from our closeness. I hear him softly breath in.

"As much as we

Spent time together

Our expectations went up too

Maybe that's just natural

Even though we shouted out countless times

Without it ever reaching one another

So whenever you ask me again

How I feel

Please remember

My answer is you

Even if we have to go around a long way

I will still feel the same

We'll be alright

I want to try again."

His voice was beautiful. Every word he sang sounded so meaningful and heart warming. I was completely immersed. I felt my eyes grow tired as his voice gently lulled me to sleep. I hugged is arm a little tighter, getting more comfortable. Just as I was about to fall asleep, he stopped, my eyes quickly opening from the sudden lack of peace.

"Did you like it?" He asks, looking down at me.

I adjust my head so I can look back up at him, my arm still linked with his. I smile softly.

"I loved it." I whispered.

-

I sigh in satisfaction as I set the container down on my small eating table. I rest my head against my pillow, slightly turning it to look out at the morning sun. I smile. I close my eyes, thinking of everything that happened last night. My smile grows bigger. I open my eyes, the sudden realization hitting me like a bag of rocks. I frown and look away from the sun.

"I really need to learn on when to set boundaries." I mumble to myself.

My door suddenly bursts open. I jump a little from the sudden action. I look over and see Jugyeong, clearly upset, walking in.

"What the- what are you doing here? Don't you have school?" I ask, concerned.

She rushes over to me and hugs me tightly, sobbing harshly into my shoulder.

"Woah, hey, what happened?" I ask, trying to loosen her grip.

"They found out." She says through her tears and scared voice.

She looks at me, horrified.

"What?"

"They all found out," She cries, "Everyone knows what I really look like. My friends-" She stops to catch her breath, "They all looked at me with disgusted faces." She begins to cry again.

I pull her into a hug again, her arms instantly accepting it. I feel anger boil up inside of me.

"Come on." I try to say as calmly as possible.

"What?" She says, letting go of me.

I stand up and turn to her, carefully wiping her tears. I cup her face and look into her eyes.

"I'm taking you home." I say.

"What? You can't leave!"

"I most certainly can and I will!" I say sternly.

I turn to look at my arm and take a deep breath before pulling out my IV needle. I put pressure on it, looking around for a bandaid.

"Are you serious?" She asks, shocked.

I nod my head, applying a bandaid and turning to her.

"I'm not letting you get hurt again." I say while looking at her.

She looks down and sits back onto my bed with a defeated expression.

"I thought things were going to get better." She mumbles.

I walk over to her and raise her head to look at me.

"They are." I say, looking into her eyes.

I walk over to a drawer, pulling out the clothes she gave me along with the jacket.

"I'll be back in a second, okay?"

She nods her head, wiping her nose. I go to the bathroom, getting dressed. I bite the inside of my cheek feeling every inch of my body become more angry after every second. I can feel spots of blood making their way onto my tongue from biting my cheek so hard. I walk back out to Jugyeong, holding out my hand.

"Come on," I say as she grabs it and stands up, "Let's go."

I open my door a tiny bit, looking out to see if anyone is around. I turn back to Jugyeong, nodding my head. I open the door completely and walk out, Jugyeong following. I continue to be on the lookout for anyone, ducking if I see nurses or staff coming my way. We finally reach the elevators when I rapidly push the button for one to arrive. The doors open and I smile happily. We step inside and the doors close.

-

Jugeyong and I walk down her street, hand in hand. I turn to her, her head is down and small whimpers escape her mouth. I stop.

"Jugyeong, look at me please."

She begins to cry again. I pull her into another hug, stroking her hair, trying to calm her down.

"Why did I have to be born ugly?" She cries.

"You are not! Jugyeong, you are not ugly. I don't care what everyone else says bec-"

She pulls away from the hug.

"I care!" She yells, "I care so much! You have no idea what it's like to notice people looking at you because of how weird you look! You have no idea what it's like to wake up everyday and hope that when you look in the mirror, you don't see the person that you saw the night before! I care so much and I hate it!"

I sigh, squeezing her hand. I was at a loss for words. I honestly don't know how to make her feel better.

"How did they find out?"

She wipes her nose with her sleeve and looks at me.

"They saw pictures of me from my old school."

"How did they get that?"

She shakes her head, starting to cry again.

"I don't know." She says through her tears.

-

"Call the hospital when you feel like it." I say to her as we stand in front of her house.

She nods her head sadly.

"I will." She says before opening her gate door.

She turns back to me.

"Thank you so much." She says.

"Anytime." I reply.

She smiles weakly and closes the gates door.

I stand there for a moment. How did they find out? Who would do this to her? My eyes widen when I realize. Soojin.

--

The song up above is Try Again by d.ear and Jaehyun from NCT. I put it because the lyrics from the song Seojun sings (in this chapter) is the English translation of the first verse and chorus from the song. I got the lyrics from lyricstranslate.com. Just wanted to clarify :)