Chapter 70

YOUR P.O.V.

*a few days later*

Therapist- *listens and writes notes* And how are the kids handling it?

Y/N- *breathes* They're.. okay with it. More accepting than I am, but that's normal because they didn't know how I felt obviously. They don't know that kind of pain, they're not ready for that. for them it was just a baby was gone to a better place and God needed them or something. They're kids.

Therapist- *taps on her pen* I feel that for you, going through all the truama you have been experiencing before, this is a new addition to all of it and.. it is scary. But you aren't alone. It does happen to many women who are healthy and happy just like you. 

Y/N- *nods*

Therapist- *looks at your hand* I see that you're taking this engagement seriously

Y/N- *chuckles* *blushes and looks down* Yeah.. 

Therapist- He proposed after the miscarriage?

Y/N- Uh huh

Therapist- *smiles* It sounds like he's taking you seriously. He wants to be a part of your life, through the pain, the ups and downs. This time, he doesn't want to lose you

Y/N- *nods* Yeah.. he said something like that

Therapist- I feel like.. with everything you've been telling me for the past few weeks, months.. he's really proving to you that he's changed his ways for you. He wants to be with you, have a family and be a man, you understand what I mean?

Y/N- Definitely.

Therapist- Don't be so scared. I feel that because of all the losses you've had in the past, your relationships and the relationship with your father and the post natal depression, you're more than afraid to lose anything and be hurt. You want to be close to everything as much as possible.

Y/N- I really do. I want to hold onto everything that makes me happy

Therapist- Remember, everything that you love right now may not be what you really need. Take time to see things for what they are and let them go if you need to. 

Y/N- *nods understandably*

I've been consistently going to therapy to deal with everything. The post natal depression was something that I realised wouldn't just fade. It continued for a year after I left Diggy and then when I had Kelani, it got worse. Mostly because I felt so alone doing it all by myself with two kids under 5, including a newborn. But then when I got adjusted, earned more, bought a new house and had my sister move closer, it gradually got better. 

I had continued to see my therapist. Even more after this miscarriage to try and figure out why I felt worse than ever. Today I came away feeling better. More reassured that things would work out and this was only a spanner in the works.. and this time I wasn't alone while it happened.

DIGGY'S P.O.V.

*at Jermaine's house*

Diggy- It's different. *puts Xalia on his lap*

Jermaine- You know you cant rush anything that's happening right now

Diggy- *nods* I know. We haven't.. had sex in a while. I don't want to rush he,r I don't know how it must have felt to go through that, but I'm doing everything I can to support her. I'm taking it a step at a time.

Jermaine- I hope that you guy are okay and getting through this. You can't get past it but, I hope you're happy with each other.

Diggy- *smiles* I am.. we're getting married

Jermaine- *gasps and laughs* What! Oh my God man! *gets up and hugs him in his seat* Congratulations.. when was this!?

Diggy- The other night. She was all upset and I just wanted her to understand that I wanna be here for all her drama and problems, forever. I wanna love her like I know I can.

Xalia- *grumbles on Diggy's lap*

Diggy- *picks her up* *talks in a baby voice* Aw, what's wrong Xalia? You don't like sitting down?

Xalia- *babbles*

Diggy- *makes faces at her and makes her laugh*

Jermaine- *watches him play with Xalia* *smiles* You're already an amazing dad. And uncle.

Diggy- *smiles at Xalia* Yeah...

Jermaine- Don't rush for the next child. It'l come with patience. maybe now's not the time right now. Enjoy being engaged huh?

Kelani- *walks in the room* *taps Jermaine's leg* Uncle Jay

Jermaine- *looks at her* Yeah?

Kelani- Where's mommy?

Jermaine- She's at therapy sweetheart.

Diggy- *looks at him*

Jermaine- She'll be at home when you get back.. you wanna eat dinner? I think Aunt Michelle is cooking up something good..

Kelani- *smiles* Okay! *runs off to the kitchen*

Diggy- Hold up.. *looks up at Jermaine* Therapy?

Jermaine- *looks at him* Um..

*that night*

Diggy- *turns off the light* *closes Kelani's bedroom door*

Malik- *yawns* Night dad.. *walks to his room*

Diggy- Night Malik...

Malik- *closes his door*

Diggy- *walks to the bedroom* Babe?

Y/N- *sleeping in the bed*

Diggy- Ba.. *pauses and sees you asleep* Oh. *sighs* Damn. *goes in the bathroom and gets changed* *comes out and gets into bed*

Y/N- *shuffles around in bed* *wraps her arm around Diggy*

Diggy- *glances at you* *sighs*

YOUR P.O.V.

*the next day*

I got back to work yesterday. After the therapy, I no longer felt like my life was over. As if this was something that yes, I had to live with, but no, it didn't define me or anything that would happen in the future. This morning and while Diggy was still asleep, I got the kids up ready and in school, left Dig some breakfast to wake up to and headed straight for work.

The right side of my desk had papers, reports and financials to go over, the left had bridal magazines, wedding locations and catalogs to look through and make a scrapbook or collage of what I wanted. I was all bout the wedding right now, flicking through the pages of colour schemes and decorations while on the phone to my mom on loudspeaker. She was so excited too, I was feeding her information as I saw it..

Y/N- Mom, the Caribbean would be so amazing for a wedding..

Mom- Oh wow, that sounds amazing. St Lucia is great this time of year

Y/N- It's all great this time of year *laughs a little* We could have it on the beach or even wear all white

Mom- Really? All white?

Y/N- It looks so elegant.

*knock on door* *door opens*

Diggy- *peeks in and smiles* Hi. Can I come in?

Y/N- Of course babe.. 

Diggy- *walks in*

Mom- Is that my son-in-law?

Diggy- *chuckles* Hey mom

Mom- How are you baby?

Diggy- I'm great.. I just wanted to talk to my fiancée real quick, if it's not a problem?

Mom- Of course. Y/N I'll talk later honey

Y/N- Bye mom *hangs up* *looks at Diggy* Wassup? You finished at the studio?

Diggy- Yeah, yeah... *sits in one of your chairs* Babe, why didn't you tell me you were still going to therapy?

Y/N- *pauses* I never told you I was..

Diggy- Jay did

Y/N- Oh.. well, I'd been going for the last six years. The post natal depression after Malik, then the feelings all creeping back up on me with Kelani, I felt so isolated. I felt like I couldn't talk to my own friends about how depressed I was. Not Mia, not Justine. I was just handling it all myself. And you didn't react well to the last session I ever had with you. I thought it'd be best not to bring up what happened back then and repeat it now

Diggy- Things are different now.

Y/N- Yeah, but I didn't wanna risk it.

Diggy- *holds your hand over your desk* Babe, this marriage and bond we're gonna enter, it means no more secrets. Complete honesty. We have to be partners in everything we do. I trust you, but it doesn't seem like you trust me

Y/N- I do. I've been so used to handling everything myself, so much that I'm used to it now.

Diggy- You ain't gotta do that. you can put some weight on me, lean on me. I'm here for you babe. I love you

Y/N- *smiles* I love you too.

Diggy- *kisses your hand* *looks over at your papers and magazines* Whatchu lookin at?

Y/N- Wedding plans. Wanna see?

Diggy- *gets up and walks over* *moves you out of your seat* *sits down and sits you on his lap*

Y/N- *holds his hand* I liked a beach wedding.. or even just an island wedding. Somewhere amazing.

Diggy- You always wana go somewhere huh?

Y/N- *shrugs* Babe, we've been in America most of our lives. It'd be great

Diggy- So where?

Y/N- Mom said St Lucia.. or I was thinking Barbados. 

Diggy- *cocks his head to the side* *smiles at you*

Y/N- *looks at him* *laughs a little* What?

Diggy- Nothin.. *kisses your shoulder* Tell me more. *smiles*

DIGGY'S P.O.V

*nine months later*

Y/N- *walks out the bathroom*

Diggy- *looks up from the bed* Well?

Y/N- *looks at the test and frowns* It's negative.

Diggy- *sighs*

Y/N- *throws it to the bed* *walks back to the bathroom sniffling*

Diggy- *gets up and grabs your arm* Babe, Y/N..

Y/N- *looks in his eyes*

Diggy- *wipes your tears* We got all the time in the world to have another baby.

Y/N- Yeah, until I can't have anymore.

Diggy- We have time. I'm only what, nearly 32? We have so much time babe *kisses your forehead*

*that evening*

Evie- *takes the blanket off the carrier* *smiles* There she is..

Diggy- *gasps and smiles at the baby* She looks just like you Eves

Evie- *chuckles* I swear everybody's saying that

Y/N- Aww... baby Zoe.. congratulations Eves.. *hugs her*

Evie- Thank you.. but that's not gonna get me through all the crying and night feeding *laughs a little* takes Zoe out the carrier* *grabs a bottle from her bag* I gotta heat this up. 

Y/N- Okay...

Evie- *walks to the kitchen*

Y/N- *smiles and watches her and the baby walk off* *pouts at Diggy* I want another baby..!

Diggy- *wraps his arms around your waist* Babe, I know.. but now's not the time. I mean, think about it. You're off to LA soon for work and you're all tied up already, Kelani's birthday is soon, I got the next album coming.. it's a lot.

Y/N- I know.. but I really want another baby..

Kelani- *pouts at you* No mommy, no more babies! I'm your baby!

Y/N/Diggy- *laugh*

Diggy- Of course you are

Y/N- *smiles at her*

*a year and a half later*

God, I was nervous. my hands, shaking all over the place, I was smiling the whole time. Scared with everyone staring at me, but I was so happy too. It;'s when they all stood up.. the music played.. and it all kicked in. my heart started racing when I heard the doors opening for the last time. Jermaine and Spin beside me, telling me I'd be alright and I wouldn't mess up, even Malik reassuring me I'd be fine. A ten year old telling me that. 

I sighed, took deep breaths, thoughts swirling my head... till I glanced over my shoulder and saw her. The sweeping lace white dress gracing every curve of her body until it flowed to the floor, her hair curled as the tiara was placed atop her head... and the veil falling elegantly over her face, shielding her perfect features. Bright eyes, red lipstick and flawless skin. 

I shed tears, wiping my eyes with my hands, I promised I wouldn't cry, goddammit. I hadn't seen her in a day and she already looked too good for me. I was looking away from her to the walls and even to the bridesmaids Mia, Evie and Justine and Kelani the flowergirl, as her perfection amazed me. The sight of her brought me to absolute tears, I was thanking God for this moment. I was so blessed. Led by her father, who nodded at me in approval, I reached my hand toward her. She grabbed it willingly and happily. Mine shook in hers and she chuckled. 

I never got nervous about anything until now. 

Diggy- *sniffled and sighs happily*

Y/N- *blushes and looks down*

Diggy- *glances to you by his side* *kisses your hand*

Y/N- *looks at him and smiles*