Chapter 69

DIGGY'S P.O.V.

Doctor- *shakes his head* *turns off the ultra sound machine* I'm so sorry

Y/N- *breaks down into tears* 

Diggy- *grabs onto you and cries*

She didn't do anything but cry. I mean.. I couldn't confront my own partner, girlfriend..  the first thing you notice is the panic, the fear in her eyes and the pain written all over her face. You don't know exactly how she feels. We all know what it is like to have lost a loved one. but I'll never be able to say anything that can take away her pain. A pain I cannot understand, and that baby is half of me too.

The idea of meeting the perfect baby at the end of the pregnancy was all we'd wished for and crept into our hearts every day and every month that went by. Even if it was only four months. But neither of us could even see the baby. It passed. Silently and secretly, just like how it was meant to be growing inside of her.. It broke me. I was devastated. Tears flooded down my face at the thought of it. Our baby. Gone forever. Nothing was there that I could do but watch my partner in complete pain at her indescribable and heart-wrenching loss as our baby was ripped form her in a painful and bloody way that no woman deserved.

She distanced herself for the rest of the vacation. The kids noticed she was different. I had to explain to them that the baby we were going to have and love together was no longer with us, and they looked at her. Sympathetic and confused, as they knew she was carrying their lost sibling. She couldn't look at the and fled upstairs, praying to God, asking why her baby was dancing in the heavens and not in her womb. Why it happened so suddenly. I realised as I witnessed her crave her own space, cry to herself and insist that she not talk about it, that there was no "getting over it". And I felt it too.

*in New York*

YOUR P.O.V.

Kelani- *rubs your hand gently* Mommy..

Y/N- *looks up*

Kelani- You're not coming down for dinner?

Y/N- *shakes head* *mumbles* Mommy doesn't feel like it baby

Kelani- Is it the baby?

Y/N- *nods* Yeah.. I'm a little sad that I lost them

Kelani- *shakes head* It's not your fault mommy. Daddy said something better is coming *hugs you*

Y/N- *sniffles and hugs her tight*

Kelani- *taps your chin* Chin up son

Y/N- *widens her eyes at her*

Kelani- *leaves the room*

Y/N- *shakes her head*

*the next day*

Evie- *on the phone* How was the vacation?

Y/N- It was alright.

Evie- *laughs* You can't tell me that. You went to Miami for a week to getaway and you were so excited. Hell, I know it didn't rain over there, I kept tabs on the weather

Y/N- *sighs* Eves, I had a miscarriage.

Evie- *pauses* What? You.. were pregnant?

Y/N- *sighs* Yeah..

Evie- Why.. why didn't you tell me that?

Y/N- Because.. *eyes start to water* Evie, I was going to.. and..

Evie- No, no sis, don't cry. Please. You're stronger than this

Y/N- So why do I feel so useless!? *wipes her eyes*

Evie- Have you talked to Diggy about it?

Y/N- No, I don't want to.

Evie- You can't avoid him forever. You're together as a couple. You're parents. 

Y/N- I have to go.

Evie- *sighs* Alright then. Talk to you soon *hangs up*

Y/N- *throws the phone down*

Diggy- *peeks in the room at you* *shakes his head and walks off* *the net day*

DIGGY'S P.O.V.

She struggled to work.. she fell asleep holding onto her stomach, wishing that the baby would still be alive in her.She refused to work, to do anything and called in for sickness until further notice. She was distant from the kids, they knew it wasn't their fault, but I knew they somehow felt it. Telling them that mommy needed time wasn't an easy thing to say, but I couldn't keep a lot from them.

Pushing away from me in bed and no desire for affection, not wanting to be in the same room as me either bothered me a lot , especially that she felt she could go through this aftermath and not confess or even tell me how she felt. Did she forget I went through it too? Trying to bury herself in work when we got back home didn't work. She couldn't work.

The worst part is that the day after the miscarriage, we were gonna tell everybody. They'd all know we were expecting, we'd celebrate and finally be able to prepare for the baby. That was our plan. And it couldn't happen anymore.

Spin- *on the phone* The kids are asleep..

Diggy- Thanks man.. I'll come and get them in the morning for school

Spin- No need, I'll take them. Y'all need some space for a while, get your heads together and talk it out away from the kids

Diggy- Thank you so much man, love y'all

Spin- Much love bro *hangs up*

Diggy- *puts his phone down* *glances at you*

Y/N- *looks out the window of the car*

Diggy- *pulls up to the house* *stops the engine*

Y/N- *pulls at the door* *shakes it* *sighs* Diggy, open the door.

Diggy- *looks at you* Talk to me

Y/N- *sits silently*

Diggy- Babe, you can't run away from this

Y/N- *lowly* I'm not running. Can I go?

Diggy- So you can literally run off and hide in the house? I don't think so.

Y/N- *screams* Diggy, let me out!! Please!!

Diggy- *his eyes water and tears fall*

This was probably the only time our eyes had properly met for the last few days. Now I could see into her. The darkened eyes, red with tears that dripped down to her chin and she couldn't help it. I knew she'd been overthinking, wishing, wanting and imagining still being pregnant. I wondered if she took it for granted, but that wasn't Y/N. She loved that baby as much as she loved our own kids, maybe moreso. Looking at her, I saw the anger and pain. The regret and guilt. She couldn't hide it from me, for even when Y/N was full of pride and hid her feelings, I could read her like a book.

Y/N- *sniffles* Please.

Diggy- *unlocks the doors*

Y/N- *runs out the car* *goes in the house*

Diggy- *gets out and follows you* Baby..

Y/N- *drops her bag at the stairs* *starts walking up*

Diggy- *grabs your hand* Stop.. look at me, please Y/N

Y/N- *tears fall down her face* I can't. I can't do this anymore

Diggy- That was my baby too, okay? Remember I was with you when... *pauses*

Y/N- *looks in his eyes* When I lost them!? That's what you mean, I lost our baby.. My body killed our baby!

Diggy- Baby, I never said that

Y/N- *shouts* Then what are you saying!?

Diggy- I'm saying I'm going through this with you!! This doesn't mean that we can't try again..

Y/N- *shakes his hands off*

Diggy- *grabs your hands again* Babe, this doesn't mean it's our fault. It's God's plan baby.

Y/N- *narrows her eyes at him* God wanted me to go through that? That pain and the struggle and.. these emotions, is that what you're telling me? I don't want to do this.

Diggy- Ba..

Y/N- No, Daniel, you listen to me right now. I loved that baby more than you ever thought. I thought, oh my God, I'm with someone I love, we're having a child and we're gonna start the completion of our family together.. and then this! You know maybe I deserve it. *shrugs* You know, I kept Kelani away from you for so long and this is my payback from God and he's keeping my baby from me...

Diggy- *grabs you by your shoulders firmly* No. Don't you ever say that. you only did what you had to do

Y/N- *shrugs and sniffles* And so is God, right? I can't even look you in the eyes Diggy. It was so painful. I felt the baby in so much pain.. *wipes her tears* I felt it! The exact time, the date.. Because when they died, part of me did too. I can't even say goodbye to my own child. He or she was torn from my womb, my body.. and I have to wear the scars for the rest of my life!

Diggy- Baby, I know..

Y/N- *tears flood down her face* I want my baby back..

Diggy- *hugs you tight* *kisses your head and cries softly*

Y/N- *pushes away a little* You know what happened yesterday? I saw this woman, this gorgeous girl in her late 20s, pregnant and she looked so happy.. so carefree and she was carrying her baby. I wish that was me. I know, I know I hated the morning sickness, the cramps, the back pain and everything else.. but I'd do anything to have it all back if it meant I could be pregnant again

Diggy- You will be, we can try again, we have so much time baby, so much love

Y/N- *sighs and wipes her face* *lets go of his hands* Dig, I wanna be left alone *turns to the stairs*

Diggy- *grabs your wrist* No..

Y/N- *cries out* Diggy! Please!

Diggy- I don't want you to be alone Y/N, don't you get that?! This is my family too, your pain is mine.. *gets on one knee* I want to go through everything with you

Y/N- *covers her mouth and nose and starts crying*

Diggy- *chuckles through his tears* Babe, that baby was my everything. I wanted to meet him, or her so badly, more than anything I wanted us to have our family, and we do. We will.. I want it all with you. The pain, the trauma and happiness. I don't want to ever make you cry or see you cry and I'm not there to comfort you.

Y/N- *looks to the ground*

Diggy- I've seen you at your best and your worst.. for the rest of time, I wanna see you as my wife.. Y/N will you marry me?

Y/N- *gasps and cries* Yes.. *sniffles and cries* *nods* Yes!

Diggy- *stands up and kisses you*

Y/N- *grabs onto him tightly* *kisses him deeply*

Diggy- *kisses your lips, and neck* *whispers gently* Babe.. we can try again. 

Y/N- *sniffles and nods* *almost whispering* Not now. 

Diggy- *looks at you*

Y/N- Please. Not now Daniel.

Diggy- *kisses you* Of course. Whenever you're ready, we can.. get back to where we were *holds you tight*