Chapter 19

Spencer felt guilt surging through her as she knocked on the door of the Swan residence. She knew she had been in pain. That just like Bella she had been abandoned by the person they thought was the love of their life. But she had crawled out of the dark hole she had sunk into, fighting tooth and nail against everything that wanted to keep her down. Although, she could still feel their claws scraping at her skin, breathing down her neck, and whispering their return.

But even if she still wasn't a hundred percent healed and she still cried herself to sleep on the nights she was alone, she wanted to at least help Bella take the first step out.

"Spencer," Charlie smiled. "Thank you for coming over."

"Of course, Charlie. I just wanna make sure Bella gets better, or at least start to."

"I've been meaning to ask you. And you don't have to answer if you don't want to," he stammered slightly. "Before the Cullens left, there was talk in the town about the doctor. You know, about who he was seeing..."

"You're wondering if we were together?" Spencer smiled, pushing down the sadness that was threatening to spill out with her words. "Well, I'll let you know that those rumors were true. And, yes, just like Bella, he broke up with me and left. I'm guessing that's why you asked me to talk to her."

"It is," he smiled awkwardly. "I'm not usually keen on small-town gossip, but I'd heard that you had been in a funk since they left, and I put two and two together. And seeing how well you're doing now, I needed to throw out a hail Mary and see if you could help Bella."

"It's okay, Charlie. I knew that people talked about us," she said reassuringly. "And though it's been hard, with the help of my friends and family, I was able to start piecing myself back together. I only hope I can help do the same with Bella."

"I hope so to," he breathed defeatedly. "I have to run out to work right now but you can help yourself to anything in the kitchen or you can get some pizza, or even take Bella to the diner. I'll cover the whole tab."

"I think we'll manage, Charlie. But thank you," she chuckled. "I'm no miracle worker but I will try my best."

"That is all I can ask," he said. "You probably won't be here when I get back, so I'm gonna thank you again for trying with Bella. I'm glad that she has people in her corner like you."

"She will always have a friend in me."

Spencer waved the man away as he left the house, pointing her upstairs in the direction of Bella. With the man gone the house was eerily quiet. If she hadn't known the other girl was in her room, she would have thought Charlie had left her in an empty house. There was no sign of life. And she hated how familiar that felt.

She walked up the creaky stairs, bracing herself for whatever version of Isabella Swan she would be faced with. She knew what losing yourself in heartache looked and felt like, and it was not pretty.

The door to Bella's room was open, still no indication of movement, and for a second Spencer felt like she was intruding into someone's privacy. Until she saw the girl's figure as still as a statue on the far end of her bedroom staring out the window.

Bella looked paler than usual, her cheeks slightly sunken and her eyes wearing dark bags under them. She hadn't been sleeping or eating well and it was evident on her body. If someone had told her that the Swan girl had not moved from that chair in months, she would have believed them.

"Hey, Bella." Spencer's voice startled her. The girl jumped as though her systems had jump-started at the sound of another presence. "Don't know if your dad told you but he asked me to come over. I know we haven't seen each other in a while."

"Oh, hey," she muttered. "Yeah, I think he mentioned something."

"I guess it's no surprise that he asked me to come talk to you, huh?"

"Because of them," she sighed.

"Yeah," Spencer smiled painfully, sitting on the ledge of the window right in front of her.

She had practiced a speech at home, words of encouragement that would hopefully chip at the wall Bella had built around herself. She'd practiced speech after speech, picking from every talking to Sam and her mom had related to her, every phrase that made her own heart soften.

But standing before Bella, the words had died in her throat. There was nothing she could say to make it better. No amount of bullshit could make her better. What the Cullens had done to both of them Would not be remedied with a conversation. And that was all Spencer had.

"How'd you do it?" Bella asked after a few minutes in silence. "How were you able to move on from him?"

"To be honest... I haven't," she sighed, the confession tasting acrid on her tongue. "And I don't think I ever will. I don't think you ever really move on from someone you were ready to give up your whole life for."

"But you seem to have it all together now," she exclaimed. "You're in med school, you're going to parties, you're working at the hospital. And you look happy."

"I'll let you in on a secret, Bella. That's the beauty of pretending. People don't question someone that looks happy," Spencer smiled softly. "I'm not doing any better than you just because it looks like I am. If I'm telling the truth, I am still as heartbroken as I was the day they left. I just decided that pretending was easier than hurting."

"I just feel like I'll be in pain for the rest of my life," the girl cried softly. "I just wish there was something I could use to numb it all. I just want it to stop."

"That's not the answer either, Bella. And I would know. I spent the first two months drowning my sorrows with vodka," she confessed. "And even if I felt numb for a few hours the pain was still there. It always will be, I think."

"Then how do we make it through? How do we stop it from hurting more?"

"I don't think we can stop it from hurting. All we can do is keep going regardless of how much it hurts," Spencer offered. "But if they get to go on with their lives after leaving us as they did, then we owe it to ourselves to do the same. The best way to make them pay is to show them our lives went on without them."

"It's just," her voice croaked. "I don't think I can. Actually, I don't think I want my life to go on without Edward. I had never seen forever the way I saw it with him. Didn't you feel like that with Carlise?"

At the sound of his name, the knot in Spencer's throat tightened. It had been months since her ears had listened to that combination of letters. Everyone around her had quickly picked up on the situation and they had more than willingly stopped mentioning his name.

But there Bella was, speaking it into existence as if it wasn't the most bitter word to let pass through her tongue. She said them like the beautiful names they were, like the sweetness of them wasn't overwhelming in her mouth. She spoke like a girl that was still in love and had no disdain for the person that had hurt her. And Spencer wondered how that could be.

His name was laced with so much anger and sadness that Spencer couldn't even bring herself to even think about it. Yet, Bella had said it and it had felt like a punch to the gut. Because she had once also said his name with so much enchantment and care, and it made her miss those days. The days when she could call his name and instantly be filled with happiness and excitement.

"I did... I do," she corrected. "But I don't want to. That's why I've been trying my hardest to move on, even if it's just one day at a time. I want to get to the day where when I dream of my future he's not there. I crave the morning I wake up and my heart doesn't ache anymore, where I can trust someone else to tell me they love me and mean it. We gave them our hearts, Bella, and they threw it away like it meant nothing. I'm not telling you that you have to move on. But I am telling you that it's the best idea."

Bella simply nodded for a second and agreed when Spencer offered to get some pizza to fill the silence. Everything that Spencer had told her she agreed with, to an extent. If the Cullens weren't coming back like it seemed they weren't, then she wanted to take her life back in her control like Spencer had. But she couldn't help the tiny drop of hope she held that they would return, and she could settle into their life as she had done once and fulfill the plans she had made with Edward.

As Spencer served herself pizza, Bella sat there, picking at the slice that was on her plate, the words slowly digesting into her system. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Anything."

"If he had offered to turn you –before everything happened—if he had told you that he would have turned you and asked you to leave with them." She stared deeply into Spencer's eyes, her tears glistening in the rays of the morning. "Would you have done it? Would you have gone with him?"

"The rational side of me wants to say no. That I would have thought twice about leaving my family and friends again, that I would have given myself a few years to be human and experience life while my heart was still beating," she chuckled, drying away tears she had not known were pooling until they fell down her cheeks. "But my romantic side, the side that was desperate to be in love, knows I would have agreed just if it meant that I would have him by my side for the rest of my life. I would have given up everything even for just a few years with him."

"What if he came back? What if he came back and asked for another chance?" Bella was desperate. It was the first time she could ask these questions. The first time she could talk to someone that knew everything and could answer back. "Would you give it to him?"

"That's a difficult hypothetical, Bella," Spencer laughed. "I think there are too many variables at play for me to know if I would."

"That's because you're thinking with your rational side," Bella teased slightly, the semblance of a smile playing on her lips. "I'm asking your romantic side. Would that side want Carlisle back?"

Spencer kept quiet even though she knew the answer. It was hard to say it out loud. To admit that regardless of how destroyed he had left her that she would want him with every fiber of her being. That if tomorrow he reappeared that she would fall back into his arms and pick things up where they had ended. But it wasn't fair to her, to the little progress she had made without him.

Still, she was being truthful. "The romantic side would gladly take him back," she said sadly. "But it's not just to the side that's put in the work to not let that happen. What will it say about me that someone could hurt me in the way he did, and I welcomed him back into my life?"

"Oh," was all Bella responded, her head falling as her skin flushed red.

"Would you take Edward back?"

"I would," her voice peeped meekly. "I love him too much not to. But I wish I was like you. Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much."

"It will still hurt, Bella. It'll just be easier to act like it doesn't," Spencer shrugged. "Look, Bella, no one can tell you to move on. If it was that easy, we wouldn't be here. But you need to at least take the first step. Staying in this room, waiting for the day things just change will not work. It's on you to start a new journey."

"Okay," she sighed. "I know you're right. It's just so hard."

"I know it is. If there's anyone that knows, it's me," she smiled. "But you're not alone. You have people around you that love and care for you. Let them."

"I've pushed them away. I pushed everyone away."

"The ones that truly care will still welcome you back. Just take it one day at a time, Bella. But take it out of this room."

"Thank you, Spencer. It's comforting to have someone to talk to so openly about this. Things won't change quickly, but I'm willing to give it a try."

"That's all I'm asking," Spencer said, giving the girl a hug goodbye. "If you need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to call, Bella."

"I will," she smiled weakly. "Take care of yourself, Spence."

"You too, Bella."

Spencer couldn't believe she had confessed to everything she had worked to shove into the deepest corners of her mind. She didn't want to admit the hold he still had on her. That at any second, he could waltz back into her life, and she would still be as in love with him as the day he had left. It was hard to let those words pass through her lips. Because once they were out, there was no way to sink them back in.

It was strange and unnerving to hear herself say those words out loud. She had kept these thoughts deeply buried in her brain, scared to ever let them come out. Especially around Sam and Paul. Even if the Cullens had not been their natural-born enemies, she was sure they would have still hated them. More after their patriarch had broken her heart. Other than them, there was no one else she was close to that she could really talk to. They knew everything, and for her to be able to open up completely she needed people who knew everything.

Still, as much as she loved Sam and Paul, they were the least objective people in her life. They were genetically predisposed to not be objective. Spencer would go to them for everything else, just nothing that had to do with the Cullens.

But Bella was no better for her. Her scales were tilted toward them. If she took anything from her conversation with the Swan girl was that no matter what they had done, she would forgive them and sink back into their life as if nothing had happened. It was terrifying and just the smallest sliver of extraordinary. Her loyalty to the Cullens transpired her pain. Maybe she knew something Spencer didn't.

As she neared her house, she started burying those thoughts deeper and deeper into her mind, afraid that they were visible on her face. Even if she knew how unrealistic it was –and that the only mind reader she knew was miles away—she couldn't help the embarrassment that rushed to her skin in shades of red. And if they did, she knew they wouldn't mention it. At least, not to her face. That much she could expect.

What she didn't expect was to find Embry Call sitting on her porch. He wore a stressed look on his face, nights of little sleep evident on his face. The boy she knew had always been very happy, quiet but joyous. And though he seemed to be the same happy boy, there was a weight to him that was undeniable.

"Embry," she called out as she got out of her car. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh, uh, yeah. I guess," he smiled forcefully. "Well, not exactly."

"Why don't you come in, Em? It'll be more comfortable to talk."

"Sure, thanks."

The boy quietly followed her, somehow trying to shrink his 6'4" frame. It was something he did ever since he shifted. The first time he had joined the pack after his first transformation, he had tried to sink into the background as much as he could. The last thing he wanted was to step on anyone's toes, even if he had been told that he wasn't.

Spencer directed them to the kitchen, quickly setting out drinks and food for the kid, knowing he'd definitely be hungry. "Help yourself to anything," she said as she noted him sitting on his hands. "Mom still buys food like Sam and his friends come over to ransack our kitchen."

"Okay, uh, thanks."

"We're not strangers, Embry," she smiled kindly. "You can let loose with me."

"I'm sorry, it's just I'm not used to being around other people that aren't Jake and Quil."

"I get that." She joined him at the kitchen table, sitting before him, a cup of water in her hand. She was all talked out for the evening, but she could see just how much he needed a friend at that moment. "So, what's going on, kid?"

"You know we're only three years apart, right?"

"Still makes me older than you," she laughed with him. "But, seriously, what's up?"

"Honestly, I don't even know why I'm here," he chuckled dryly. "I guess ever since I had my first shift I've been feeling kinda lonely. Lonely and confused. It took a couple of hours for my whole life to change and now I don't really have anyone to talk to about it."

"How are things at home?"

"Well, mom is always angry at me, but at least she's stopped yelling. Though I don't know if I like that better," he responded sadly. She could see he was biting back tears. His lower lip was quivering and his eyes were pooling with water. "I know you weren't here when it happened, but do you know Ms. Uley took everything?"

"To this day they don't really talk. But when I got here, I didn't understand why my brother wasn't home or why he and mom were fighting, or even why we couldn't even spend time together. I knew he was hiding something, and I guess it hurt to think that he didn't trust me enough to tell me whatever it was," she recounted. "It's a strange thing to watch from the outside. I mean, hearing rumors that my older brother, the man that basically took care of me when I was a kid, had started a gang and was recruiting other from the rez was astonishing. It wasn't something I could even fathom. But I don't know how my mother felt when Saam started disappearing or when he moved out. She won't talk to me about it."

"He wanted to waive the silence rule for me," Embry said sheepishly. "After the first week and seeing how hard it was at home, he told me I could tell my mom everything."

"But you valued why it's a secret," she confirmed. "I understand that. And I also understand how lonely being part of the pack is. Especially coming into a place where you essentially know no one. But open yourself up to them. If you let them in, they will do the same. They're your family now, Em."

"I know. I guess it's just still all so new to me. I've been used to the same people my whole life; I've known only one truth my whole life, and it all changed."

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but would you ever ask your mom about who your dad is?"

"Don't think I could ever ask without proving where the suspicions came from," he shrugged. "Just like everyone here, I was under the impression that my dad was someone from the Makah tribe. She told me that much. But now..."

"That's okay," she smiled comfortingly. "But, Embry, I want you to know that regardless of what's happening at home or with your friends, you're not alone. You've got the pack and you've got me, okay? If there's anything you don't feel comfortable speaking to them, my door is always open. And if they're ever giving you shit, I'll put them in their place. They're there for you, and so am I. I hope you know that."

"Thank you, Spence," he smiled brightly, a few tears falling down his outstretched cheeks. "It's good to know I still have people I can lean on. You've always been nice to me, and I don't know why."

"We all need a little kindness from time to time, Embry. I'm just doing my part in it."

"Well, it's greatly appreciated. And even if it doesn't mean anything, I'm also here for you if you need someone to lean on."

"It means a lot, Em," she smiled. "More than you know."

The more she talked to the people that most needed it, the more she started to believe her own words. Maybe there was light on the other side of this mountain. Maybe Spencer would one day see the morning when the thought of him didn't send a stake through her heart.