Chapter Twenty Five

Lisa•••

Time and space. Perhaps, that's what we need.

I think loving Jennie has shown me that every moment spent with the person you love is valuable.

I knew it in the back of my mind, but I must have taken us for granted because even when I prayed to never live a life without Jennie, that might be exactly what I get.

It's been nearly a full day. As dusk looms, the air bitters, and I'm reminded of the ache I felt all over as I walked home alone after Jennie left.

How I picked up my broken camera, the magazine that had slipped out of my bag, and the first aid supplies meant for Jennie. I held my shoulders high. People were still glancing. I didn't cry just yet, because reality was still sinking in and I had to replay Jennie's words maybe ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine times to make sure she meant what she said before I felt teary.

But I didn't let my tears loose as I ascended to my apartment. It got harder when I laid out the cracked pieces of my camera on the table, but neither did the tears spill when my back hit the mattress. It was only when I woke this morning that the heartache settled in and told me that I can't carry this.

It was like lying in the middle of an orchestra pit.  Every instrument playing grows louder and louder until the music roars in your ears, pounding beats in your chest like it's keeping you alive, then suddenly everything goes quiet except the lingering violin, that strings along as it fleets in the air.

Then it goes all quiet.

I laid awake in bed and Jennie wasn't there.

My salty tears soaked the pillows and I cried harder because they smelled like her.

I was too jaded about last night that I showed up to work two hours late in poor attempt to get myself out of the apartment. My clothes were wrinkled, hair a mess, and eyes rimmed with red. I had brought nothing with me but my phone. It took every fiber in my slumping body to keep my tears in and it was hard for my colleagues not to notice, but they were kind and polite and didn't question my distress.

Only did my boss bring up my disheveled appearance when he asked why I hadn't brought my camera. "I understand you have your personal struggles, but you missed the seminar and now you don't have a camera for the workshop." Mr. Shin spoke with gentleness, but disappointment. I would have crumbled right then and there on his velvet office couch if he had raised his voice in the slightest.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Shin." I bowed. "I broke my camera last night. I'll buy a new one as soon as I can."

"Well," he sighs, "there aren't any schedules for a shoot in the next week. Make sure you get one by then." I left his office with another worry in mind.

On our lunch break, I kept to myself. I sat in the lounge of the office floor while everyone else had gone for a meal. Jennie hadn't texted. Though, within that one hour, I had managed to direct my focus away from her.

I thought of Chaeyoung, and as I scrolled through the news articles, I was relieved to see no further damage was being done. It was just all the same talk. I sent a text to check up on her because I hadn't heard about what happened with her meeting in the company.

I wrote up a to text Jisoo, too, asking how she is on her end.

When the afternoon came, I was swept from my personal space and into a large room with colleagues, photographers, creatives, and other attendees for the workshop. It was a long four hours of it and ironically, an even longer two hours of mingling and superficial conversations with strangers.

I tried my best to put on a smile and be as friendly as I could. I shook hands, introduced myself, said a few jokes, moved on to the next person, and it was suffocating. Every conversation could have been a distraction from Jennie, but knowing that the distraction would be from the fact that I'm without her was knotting in my chest. It was so hard to breathe, that I just had to excuse myself for fresh air.

I had never been this high atop a building before. It isn't even the highest one in the skyline, but from here, the night sky is clear and the bright lights illuminate Seoul perfectly. It's quiet, and up here I can listen to my thoughts patently.

I don't know how long I have to wait. She told me not to call or text last night. It's not last night anymore and it hasn't been, but it just doesn't feel right to start the conversation all over again- ask why some stories were kept as secrets and when our love started to seem not as unconditional as it was.

It doesn't feel right to ask her where we stand or where I stand in her life just yet because I know that if she really wanted to talk to me she would.

And it's painful- it's piercing holes in me as I remember her walking away and I'm so afraid she won't want to come back to me, but I won't stop her if this isn't what she wants. I won't force her into loving me just because I can't stop loving her.

I promise, I won't force her into anything. It's clawing its way out of my mouth because I just need someone to believe me.

The air cuts through by the ring of my phone. I blink the salty tears down and wipe them off before I leave anymore tear-stains.

But I can't keep up with them once I'm met with my mother's voice.

"Lalisa!" she exclaims in joy. "I shipped out the rest of your photographs and other belongings this morning. I even put in a few kitchen wares for Jennie since she mentioned she loves to cook. Just tell her it's a little gift from your father and I."

I'm holding on to the railing tightly and trying to contain the sobs that might escape me when I open my mouth. "Wow, that's uhm..." I clear my throat to mask the tremble. "That's so nice- thanks so much, mom."

"Let me know what she thinks about the hand towels because I wasn't sure which she would like, so I just threw in two different kinds." she speaks with such excitement. I didn't realize how bad I needed to hear my mother's voice until now and the cheery, sweetness of it is disarming my guard to pieces. It's been such a restless few days and nothing has been fine- nothing feels right. "Are you keeping warm over there, Lisa?"

"Mhm..." I hum, really on the verge of breaking down.

"Oh— Lisa, are you crying?"

Because I'm cold and I want one of her hugs.

"No," I swallow hard. "I'm not."

"What's wrong, hun? Are you okay?" she asks and I can't help but let out a laugh because I know her all too well to know me just the as much. There's nothing I can do to convince her I'm completely okay, even over the phone.

"I'm fine, mom." but I still push for all is right because I don't want to disappoint her. "I'm uhm... I'm working hard and... I'm really good over here." just believe me.

"Are you sure? If something is bothering you..."

"I got it, mom." I assure her. My mother has always been my anchor and I know she always will be. I know I'm grown up, living in a big city where it's easy to feel small and aimlessly float around the big sea, but she supported me through every wave to reach this point and I don't want her to think that I'm drowning already. "I miss you so much." it comes out a whisper with a crack to its end, but she hears me.

"I miss you so much more, Lisa. But I'll go and visit you once winter is gone there because I cannot, deal with cold weather." classic mom. "Oh! Jennie can show me some of her recipes!"

I do hope she can.  

"I'll be waiting." I tell her regardless.

She makes a promise.

I want to stay on conversation longer, but she has plans of her own to attend to, so we say our I love you's and guarantee to call again soon.

I let out a hefty sigh. The tears have gone dry and the night wholly sets in. As it's getting chilly, I head for the fire exit. Then, another call rings through.

"Hey, Lisa." Jisoo starts when I pick up and continues before I can say hello. "You should come down to YG and talk to Chaeyoung."

"YG? She's at work? Chu, I don't even know if I could get in anymore."

"She doesn't wanna go home and... Look, I'll meet you outside and bring you in— Just get here, please."

I don't waste another second to get out of the building and into a cab. It's only a fifteen minute ride to YG and I ask the driver to drop me off a street away instead of the entrance to avoid security. I jog up around the building and to the back where I find Jisoo standing in just a hoodie and jeans. "Thank god, I was about to freeze." she pulls me in the building and we walk down the corridors.

"You didn't have to wait out there the whole time." I rub her hands to warm.

"I still have a long night ahead in the studio for the collab, so I needed something to wake me up." we get in the elevator and fly up to the next floor of dance rooms. I didn't think this was the kind of work Chaeyoung would be doing. "She wasn't even supposed to be here today, but she showed up this morning and hasn't left."

I hear the track of her song playing as we approach the far end of the hall.

"She's been rehearsing all day and I really mean all day. I brought her lunch and when I came back to check if she was still here, she didn't touch the damn food and she was still dancing!"

"Why didn't you just kick her out or get her manager to take her home?"

"You think I didn't try?" she snarls. We stop in front of Chaeyoung's practice room and I peak through to see my best friend dancing on her own. "I called because you're the only one who'll get her out of there." Jisoo says. I turn to her and she nudges me with a sympathetic smile. "Let me know when you want to talk about Jennie, okay?" I don't ask what she heard because of the sudden lump in my throat at the mention of Jennie. That, and Chaeyoung might pass out if I don't stop her soon.

I enter the room alone and she's completely unbothered by my presence. "Chipmunk." I try to call her attention over the music, but her eyes are strict on her reflection and she doesn't go a second off beat. She's pale and she's sweating and she's tired. "Chaeyoung." but she doesn't stop, so I walk over to the stereo to shut it off.

She stops on her feet. The air rings and the room is dense. Her pants are rapid to catch her breath. She runs a hand through her messily tied up hair and she turns to me in annoyance. "What?"

"What are you doing?" It's a stupid, but necessary question and I try to remain as calm as possible.

"Are you serious?" I think I am, "I'm practicing." because she shouldn't be here.

The tension is so tight and she's plainly frustrated that I've interrupted her. I'm feeling hot just looking at her sweating under such heavy clothes.

"What are you doing practicing on break?" I clarify.

She looks at me sternly, but she's struggling on her breathing. "You're the one who was forcing me out of bed. Isn't this what you wanted me to be doing?"

She's right, but I was wrong about that. "Let's go home, Chipmunk." I shouldn't have done what I did.

"I'm not finished." she stomps over to the stereo and blasts the volume. She picks up where she left off.

I grab her duffle and lower the music back down, but she continues dancing. "Chip, let's go."

"You said it takes 10,000 hours." she states.

It's a pang to the chest. A curse to my fatal determination and encouragement for Chaeyoung when we were practicing for this comeback. I shouldn't have pushed her because she was already doing her best.

"10,000 hours to perfect a craft, that's what you said."

"I-I know." I didn't mean it like this.

"I said I was a flop," I remember the day vividly, "and- and I got on stage after only 336 hours, but you said I did great." she keeps on dancing, but her legs are shaking and her face shows discomfort. "You said I was doing well."

"I know what I said." and I meant every word.

She scoffs.

"Chaeng, stop it." I slam the music off. She turns to one of the moves, but slips on her feet. Her elbows smash on the ground to avoid the fall on her back. "Fuck, are you okay?" I crouch behind her and hold her steady because she lets out a groan and she's trembling and her eyes are welling up, but she's fighting to wring my hands off her. "Chaeng—" She holds herself up on her palms and keeps her head low.

It's tightening my chest to see her so overworked and all because of a pathetic quote I said, but it wasn't a mistake telling her she was doing great.

"You're a liar."

I have to bring up my defenses, "I didn't lie to you, Chipmunk." because she has to believe me.

"Would you stop calling me that?" she snaps, pinning her angry eyes on me, so I shut up and wait. She rests on her bottom and huffs heavily. "How, Lisa, how can you say that I was doing good when everyone else thinks differently?" there's more to just anger as the stories about her resurface in her own mind. "And how... How could people just say those things? And do what they did to the pictures and- and look at me like I'm just some sex toy to—"

"Stop," please, "don't think about it.".

Chaeyoung palms her face harshly and keeps her eyes closed as they go teary. She holds on to her elbows that must be bruising from the fall.

"Here, let me see—" she pulls away when I try to pull up her sleeves. She tugs them back down. Then, I understand that she's not as comfortable in her own skin as she used to be.

I had never imagined to see my friend in a situation like this or read her name on malicious headlines. I had never hoped to see Chaeyoung as anyone else other than her bubbly, optimistic, compassionate, and diligent self.

We've shooed away our troubles too much that I must have forgotten that she can be vulnerable, too. And as she's felt helpless these past few days, I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know how to assure her that everything was going to be alright because this, I know- this problem just isn't in neither of our control. It's not something we can joke about or throw out the window.

"And on top of it all, Lis," she opens her tearful eyes, but they never meet mine. "My family doesn't care."

I'm disheartened to admit that I know this, too.

"No call, no text, nothing." the words get caught in her throat.

"I'm sorry, Chaeyoung." that it's all a little too much.

She just nods and tries to blink away her sadness.

After a moment, I ask, "Do you wanna go home?"

She nods again.

I pick up her duffle and help her off the ground. While waiting for her to freshen up in the locker room, I tell Jisoo we're headed home and that I'll spend the night at our friend's apartment.

"That's a good idea." she says. "Are you okay?" the way she looks at me tells me that it's about Jennie this time.

"I might need that talk soon." I admit.

It's left open-ended because Chaeyoung appears and is ready to crash into bed.

When we arrive at the still apartment, we take our showers to head to bed early. I set up the couch for the night, but she pulls me in her bed instead, mumbling a few words about how ridiculous I am to take the couch. It was our first laugh after a long while.

"Goodnight, Lisa." she says, and I'm thinking back to last night all over again from her words.

"Goodnight, Chipmunk."

It will be a long one.