Chapter Twenty Four

Lisa •••

It was cold.

Not just because I had to sleep on the couch, but because the entirety of Chaeyoung's apartment always had it's benumb-ness to it. (I didn't want to take the spare room because that meant washing the sheets and I knew I wouldn't have time to do that and make the bed again in the morning).

Perhaps that, and any heating emotion in me had disseminated. I was left a shell with not much to shelter.

Jennie left after our fight.

In the brink of my emotions coming undone, "I love you, Lisa." she said, her voice soft. "Maybe a little too much.".

There was the uncomfortable shifting on feet because I didn't know what to say. I wasn't sure what she meant, and she didn't have anything else to say, so she gathered her things and stepped out the door. There wasn't much closure, only silence.

I puffed up my chest with as many breaths as I could because I didn't want to cry for her that way. I was still flustered and confused of how quickly the conversation escalated and how blinded I was to accuse our relationship as based on convenience completely.

Jisoo left shortly after Jennie because she had unfinished matters to fix with Taehyung and informed me that Chaeng was tired. "Don't force her out of bed. She's meeting the company in the morning. She'll be up then." she said. Whether she heard my fight with Jennie or not, she didn't bring it up before saying her goodbyes.

I decided to stay. Even if Chaeyoung didn't leave her room for the rest of the day, I stayed around in case she would. It was a long, slow rest of the day. There was a cloud of uneasiness hovering me while I tried to make sense of everything that happened.

The reality of losing my job dawned while I sat on the couch doing nothing. I realized I had only worked through one paycheck. I had only choreographed one dance. I realized it was the end of working with my best friend.

It started to hurt then, because it was the dream job and like Jennie said, I threw it away. I sat on the couch until the night breezed in.

After collecting my scattered thoughts, I knew I was wrong to say and think those things of Jennie, but I figured the apology should wait because she left and maybe space was what she wanted.

I just couldn't help myself to text, "Are you home?" because I wasn't going to bed until I knew she was safe.

After a moment, she replied, "Yes.".

With the slightest peace of mind, I fell asleep.

In the morning, I woke to the sun seeping in. It was six o'clock. Chaeyoung's shower was running and like Jisoo said, she was up and getting ready for her meeting. When she came out of her room, I had already fixed the couch and cleaned up after myself. I stood and smiled at her.

She stared at me, then at the couch, then back at me with a softened expression. "My manager is downstairs. I'll drop you off at home.". There wasn't much eye contact and nothing much of us at all.

From my overthinking, I felt that she didn't want to say or do anything that was out of the ordinary between us, in fear that I would lash out again. She didn't sigh heavily or hang her head low. She didn't frown or stare out into space. She just sat in the car like she wasn't upset about what the world was saying about her.

And similarly, I didn't crack a joke or do anything in the ordinary between us because I was afraid it would convince her that what the world was saying about her shouldn't upset her at all. I was wrong to think that she should just laugh about it and distract herself. It wasn't fair that I believed I was the only one who got to be angry. Jennie was right again.

Now that Chaeyoung was out of bed, most of me just wanted to turn the car around and cover her in warm blankets in the comfort of her room. The other parts just wanted her to yell at me right then and there, but it was a short and quiet ride to my apartment.

I was at home for only twenty minutes to shower, change into fresh clothes, and pack my camera equipment because if I took any longer I would have been late to Vogue. I ran to the station and nearly missed the train, but I made it to the studio with minutes to spare before what would be a long, demanding, challenging shoot for Bvlgari's feature.

Halfway into photographing the products, I call a lunch break. I disassemble the equipment for the meantime, then take a rest on one of the chairs by the corner. The team disperses to cater to their own needs.

So far, it's all going as planned. It's time consuming and a little nerve-wracking but I've stuck to the requests of the clients and I have heard no complains or technical complications throughout the shooting. It's a relief, because I don't think I could take another shift in my emotions. If I'm being honest, I might crumble at any mishap that could happen, whether it be the overheating of a light bulb or a greater misadventure.

If I'm being really honest, its hard not to pick myself apart for what I did yesterday. I'm trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter right now because I'm here at work and all my attention should be on the shoot. But it's too hard to shun the fact that I hurt too many people- how insensitive I was to Chaeyoung, how rude I was to Jisoo and it's too hard to swallow the offensive words I said to Jennie.

I'm not quite sure what prompted me to even think that way of her. It could have been the rage and the resentment and knowing that I could have walked away but I didn't, that evoked me to take it out on her. That could have been it, but there's no excuse for having said what I did at all.

I huff out, because there's a pull in my chest settling in.

"Lisa," my boss, Mr. Shin, approaches my little corner. He pulls out what I think it is. "I have a little something for you." he grins, waving Vogue's upcoming issue in the air. "Take a look." he hands me the magazine, all in fine print. I flip through and there, Chanel, photographed by me. "Isn't it exciting?" he gives me a pat on the shoulder.

"Yes," I agree, trying to match his enthusiasm. "It really is."

"Also." he pulls out an envelope from his suit and in the palm of my hand it goes. "Keep up the good work, Lisa. The set looks good, by the way." he walks away at that to boss around the interns.

I open the envelope. There's a check of the money I was promised for the Chanel shoot and it's a decent pay. It's rewarding and I'm proud for the achievement, but this was something I had been so excited to show Jennie because her constant encouragement and assuring kept me optimistic, but to be frank, I'm not sure if she would even care if I shared this with her at this point.

I shove the envelope and magazine in my bag and find some place to eat.

•••

The second half of the shoot went just as smooth. It didn't place a single worry in my head (only the constant scurrying and demands), so as I packed up my things to leave and got confirmation through Wendy, I knew where I had to go next.

I thought back to yesterday. "I love you, Lisa." she said. Jennie wouldn't lie to me about that. She wouldn't say anything she doesn't mean. I need to apologize and I need to tell her I love her too because I didn't get to say it back.

I thought back to yesterday and remembered she's run out of bandages for her wound. I stopped by the pharmacy to grab some and a few medicines in case it hurts, then I didn't stop walking from the train station and all the way to Coffee Pages.

As I approach, the dim lights of neighboring stores illuminate the shop in the dark. I notice blue tarpaulins draped over the wall where the glass used to be. I regret not coming sooner knowing that Jennie had to do this all by herself while Wendy's at the police station. I hold my bag and purchases a little tighter and jog over to the shop. I'm about to call for Jennie from outside, but I spot familiar broad shoulders walking toward from the other street.

And a familiar unsettlement strikes.

"Lisa!" Kai grins, throwing a hand in the air for an obnoxious wave. "Good to see you again." I get the whiff of smoked pork from his coat when we comes beside me.

"Hey." I manage to say without much spite.

He looks at the café with a shake of the head. His perfectly gelled hair doesn't budge. "Awful thing that happened here." he says and kicks over a few shards of glass left on the side of the street. "This would cost a lot to fix up." The longer he stands here, the more irritable I'm getting. The more he talks, the faster I'm heating up. I'm gripping on to my belongings tightly because I know I might slap him across the face if I let my hands free.

The vague memories of that party come flashing back and I have chills coursing through my skin, like Momo is touching me again, and I remember the long, cold run back to Jennie and every painful memory that comes after that because she told me about him. He must not even know that I've found out what he did to us that night.

"Jennie has told me a lot about you." he's lying. "I'm sure she's told you plenty about me, too." a narcissist. "You guys should come over to my pub and let's have a few drinks." he shows off that boyish smug and points back to the street he came from. "I'm sure she's mentioned it— Grooving '94, its just around there."

That sets a bold red over my vision. 

It's a rattle that bores into my skin because I know Grooving '94 and it all makes sense. Jennie told me he was a pub owner the first time we crossed paths and Chaeyoung told me Jennie had trouble in one and I should have been able to connect the dots myself. If I had figured it out sooner, I could have done something- anything different to keep him away. "You guys can tell me all about your relationship! It would be a good way to get to know each other more." He has tugged at my strings too many times before I even knew he was the reason. "I know she could be a handful, but a little pressure would get her to do what you want."

"What?"

"I have to say, you're a lucky girl, Lisa." Kai hurt Jennie with his obsessions and misconception of his love for her. He pressured her and scared her and god knows what else I don't know. "How's it like to have the key to a brand new sports car, huh?"

I let go.

"Fuck!" He stumbles back.

I punch him again.

"You bitch!"

Harder.

"Lisa!" I whip my head around to find Jennie standing by the tarps. She's wide-eyed and in a state of shock. I turn back to Kai.

"You fucking bitch!" he gets back on his feet and sees Jennie. He's heaving and steps to her.

I shove him back because she's afraid. "Don't fucking touch her." I won't ever let him. He's about to give me a blow, but Jennie stands in front of me.

"Get out of here, Kai."

She's pushing me to step away, but I hold my ground because he's coming closer.

He's red in the face and clenching his teeth. His lip is busted from the hits.

I'm shaking on my legs. Adrenaline is rushing and I'm ready to jump at him again because he pulls an arm back. I step around Jennie. "Kai, just leave!" Jennie stresses and she's trying to hold me back desperately and I'm fighting myself, too. "Lisa, please."

The anger, the blood boiling, the antagonizing impulse, his voice in my head- she's not a fucking sports car— I'm fighting it because I don't want her to be afraid of me, too.

"Kai, just— just go— leave, please." she looks around and I notice the stares on us. Kai does the same. He straightens his posture and runs a hand through his hair— he's so quick to manifest his self-righteous, patriotic ego because all eyes are on us. He holds his hands up in the air with a menacing glare at me and he walks away because people are watching and he's going to play victim as long as they stare.

It's repelling— I'm shredding in utter disbelief that he's walking away. "Lisa—"

I'm not finished yet.

"Lisa, come inside." She puts down the small boxes she was holding and picks up the pharmacy goods, and she gasps when she picks up my camera bag. The clanging of shattered pieces come from the inside, but I don't look to see how damaged the contents really are because Kai is walking away and I need to make sure he's out of sight. "Lili..." My gaze is forced to the uncovered broken camera in her hands by her hold on my chin. It's cracked and busted and beyond repair.

But I don't give it another glance because "You lied to me about Kai.". It wasn't just a toxic relationship.

She's dumbstruck.

It wasn't just a difference in personalities and a falling out of love. 

"I-I didn't lie. I just didn't tell you about—"

"Him being a fucking abuser to your relationship? Why bend the fucking truth?" I don't understand it. "He said— What-what did he pressure you into, Jennie? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just thought it was better you didn't know."

"Better? I've been trying to tell myself that you've been getting Kai out of your life but he's never left."

"Lisa,"

"You said you loved to tell me everything." I thought she means everything she says. She loves our conversations and she learned to share and not just listen. She told me it was easy to open up to me about everything— why was this any different?

"I..." she's about to put down the broken camera gently, but I knock it to the ground anyway, smashing it to further pieces. "Lisa—" 

"I could have protected you from him all this time."

She looks up at me with her glassy eyes. With pain, like it's hurting her to come clean and be honest. "That's the thing." she swallows. "I know you want to protect me. And- And I knew that if I told you what Kai did to me then you would react this way— I didn't want you getting involved with him because he's a fucking psycho." she flings her hands in the air in frustration and more tears fill her eyes and I'll regret making her cry if they fall because I'm just tried of doing this over and over. "I didn't want to bring up the past between us because everything before you was just so shitty and- and awful and you're just so good, Lisa. You're just everything good and I didn't want— I don't want to ruin you." she steps away from me. "I don't think I can keep doing this to you."

I've wanted nothing but truth from Jennie. Even when it came in days apart and fragmented stories, I waited for her to be honest. I asked for this but I don't think I can bear it.

"What do you mean?"

"I think we should stop."

"Stop?"

"We should end this here, Lisa."

"No," I promised. "Jennie, we're getting through this together, remember? I-I'm just confused. I got upset and I'm sorry and I want to understand—" I'm okay with getting hurt.

She lowers her gaze and shakes her head, "Just go."

"Baby—"

I stumble back from a forceful push. "Goddamn it Lisa, just go!"

"But I love you." Can't she hear me?

She shakes her head again. "You shouldn't have fallen in love with me." 

Shouldn't have? 

Shouldn't have?? 

"But you let me!" I shout, at the top of my lungs because it's not enough that she hears, because maybe the gods didn't hear me when I told them the first time either.

She looks at me and her tears fall. She's crying because she knows. She remembers that night I showed up at Coffee Pages to walk her to the station and she remembers the poor attempt at throwing snowballs, then she pushed me into the snow instead, and we fell in my bed and it was our first night together- she told me to love her when I was already in deep and just waiting for her to let me in.

"Why did you let me?" 

"Lisa, I- I can't do this with you—"

"I thought you loved me, too." I believed her every time.

"I do."

"Then why are you being so selfish!" I don't understand it, but I bite my tongue as soon as it comes out. Remorse falls on me as the ruin of my words fall on Jennie. It's infuriating because selfish isn't Jennie at all, but she's so willing to take pain and hurt all to herself because she doesn't want to endure it with me. "It- It's my turn to be selfish, because I don't want to share this love." and this is me being honest. 

It's never just three empty words and it's never a little too much from Jennie.

I step to her, but she moves away. "Jennie." I soften my voice because I must have scared her when I yelled.

She's picking up her boxes and stepping further back. Her face is crumpled in pain and I just want to hold her because I didn't mean to scare her, but she's moving away from me.

"I should go..." Go? "Goodnight, Lisa."

"Wait," don't say goodnight. "Jennie..." Please take it back, we never say goodnight, we never say goodbye- please take it back. 

I wrap my hand on her wrist, but I know I have to let go because she tenses up. "Please, just don't..." I have to let go because this isn't me- I'm not Kai. "Don't follow me." I'm hammering nails to my feet to pin myself to the ground because she doesn't want me to take her home. "I- uhm... Don't... Don't call tonight. Or text." It's burning tears in my eyes because I can't make sure she gets home safe. 

I try to say something, but I'm choking back on my own tears because I can't ask her to stay when she takes a deep breath and holds her boxes tight because she's ready to walk away. 

"Goodnight, Lisa." 

Please take it back.