Chapter Twenty One

Jennie •••

It's strange.

I had to switch stations with Wendy today because I just can't shake it off. Instead of actually manning the bookstore counter, I've got my hawk eyes on, frisking every passerbys' face to discern which belongs to the priggish, sharp jawed, that is Kai.

I'm waiting for him. I'm looking for him— almost asking him to come. I've considered calling him, but I don't know which unknown numbers on my missed calls would be his actual contact. I would have gone to Grooving '94, but I couldn't leave the store all to Wendy for the second time even just for a moment.

It's sickening. It's put me in a pissy mood all day. There's a grouchiness in me that's ready to bark at anyone who comes to piss me off as I've been frying my brain thinking of what I'm going to say to him when we finally come face to face again.

To tell the truth, it's more so left me hotheaded because I don't know what I'm going to say to him. Because what could I possibly say this time that I haven't already said for the past eight months?

"Jennie, your shift is over. Why are you still— are you okay?" Wendy comes up to the counter and peers outside to see what I've been looking at for hours.

"I'm fine, I'm waiting for Jisoo." I reply. I perk up when I see a man with broad shoulders, but slump back when he turns our way.

Wendy asks about my friend. Word hasn't died down around the media yet and I don't think it will in a long while. I tell her that it's a rocky situation, but nothing Jisoo can't handle. I do hope that it's true.

Our talk last night was heavy. I had never seen her so distraught and scared and insecure. I'd say she might even be heartbroken. To think that her and Taehyung have only developed feelings within a few days and spent time together as part of work, it sounds like an exaggeration. They aren't actually together, that may be true. But isn't the mere possibility of not having the chance to grow in love with the person you want heartbreaking enough?

"I think that's her car." Wendy points out the black van approaching. It is indeed, which means I have to clock out and accept the fact that Kai isn't coming. Though, I should really take care of troubling matters one at a time, which means giving Jisoo my full, undivided attention for the rest of the day.

"I'll try to find some time to buy groceries," I tell Wendy as we walk to the storage room. I replace my apron with my coat. "and can you remind me of the deliveries coming tomorrow? I might forget the payments."

"What if I forget?"

"Don't. Because I'm supposed to bring your paycheck, too." I shoot a wink. Wendy nods her head in assertion and sets the reminder on her phone immediately.

"Customers keep asking about the pottery, by the way." Wendy informs me. I stop to look at the shelf and I have to admit, I'm a fan my own decor. I go on my tippy toes to adjust them in a better position. "You should start doing commissions, you know. You're really good."

"That sounds like a smart idea actually." Some more to add to my savings. "Bye, Wendyyy."

I'm greeted by Jisoo's manager outside the café. He opens the car door and I spot a bundled up, shriveled almost, Jisoo in thick blankets.

The door shuts and I lean forward to her, placing my hand on her covered head. "You okay?" I ask.

The manager comes in the driver's seat. With her tired, sunken eyes looking side to side, I know to wait until we get to her apartment to discuss. It's a quiet drive and the weariness from Jisoo is slightly weighing on me, too, but I try to hold a positive headspace because she needs it more than ever.

"With Chu. We're on the way to her apartment." I text Lisa.

A minute later she responds. "How is she?"

"I think she had a hard day. Still waiting for her to open up."

"Did she see Chaeng at work? I haven't gotten through her phone."

Jisoo shakes her head when I relay the question. "She was in the boardrooms all day. Some important meeting, I guess, Jisoo said." I text her exact words. I figured Chaeyoung would be busy doing promotions instead of sitting at YG, but perhaps it's all for bigger plans.

"Anyway, I just saw the mock-up of the magazine! You're going to love it."

Not as much as I'll love seeing her name on it, I'm sure. I know photography is a profession Lisa works extra hard for. It wasn't like she was making magic behind the camera right away unlike how she was with dance in the studio. Pursuing it after majoring in a four year course is admirable and Vogue is just the beginning. "I'm so proud of you, Lili."

"But you haven't seen it yet!"

"I don't need to see it."

We text back and forth until she has to get back to her meeting. When Jisoo and I are finally alone within the walls of her apartment, it's time we have that talk.

First, I make us some tea. She slumps on the backrest of the couch, extending her legs on the L-shaped cushions. Setting the cups down on the table, I sit close, but enough to give her some space.

The room is silent. Ironically, the white noise is deafening. But, I wait for her to fill it in when she's ready.

She brings her hands in the pocket of her hoodie and keeps her gaze to the floor. I wonder what the media could be saying to have taken my best friend's high-spirits away. I wonder what Mr. Yang could have possibly said at work to return to me the complete opposite of who Jisoo really is. It's like she doesn't have an ounce of energy. Only enough to keep her awake. She's just so quiet.

It aches to see her like this. She wears the saddest frown.

And her lips start to tremor.

"Chu..."

The rims of her dull eyes sting with red and a glossy slate sits at the brim.

She doesn't move. She doesn't make a single sound. Not even when her tears fall.

I take the tissue box from the table and hold out a few to her, but she only swallows hard and turns her face away from me. "Jisoo, it's okay." I inch closer and I feel subtle shakes to her shoulders when I place a hand on her.

She brings her palm to her mouth to stop her quivering lips and takes deep breaths to stop the tears, but they come up short, and she's choking back on her cries.

She cries.

I wrap my arms around her and tell her that "It's okay" one more time. That she doesn't have to hide her tears from me— especially, from me. She shouldn't try to be strong or invalidate her hurt just because she doesn't want to perceive as weak. "Don't pretend with me, Chu.".

"I— I don't wanna cry about this."

"But you shouldn't hold it in. It's okay."

"I don't know— It's— It's just a lot."

"I know—"

"I don't get it, Jennie—" she chokes up. I lean back to wipe her tears, then she takes the tissues to do it herself. I sit on the floor and rest my chin on her leg, rubbing my hand up and down her thigh to soothe her.

It took another few minutes until we had the talk. She was still struggling over her tears and had to turn to the tea that had gone cold to push the sobs down, but she managed to tell me about her conversation with Mr. Yang through and through.

•••

"Not only is he ruining their chances at a relationship, but he's postponing her whole album!"

"What?"

"It's bullshit!" I fling my body onto Lisa's couch as the outrage I felt when Jisoo told me about Mr. Yang's decisions come flooding back. "He sucks."

"He's the worst." Lisa mutters, lifting my legs and resting them on her lap.

"I hate him."

"Don't we all?"

We sigh.

"This day sucks."

Lisa sighs again. "I agree."

I sit up and slide closer to her. "I thought the magazine is looking great." because she said so herself.

"It is— it looks good, but..." she trails off, "I'm having trouble getting to know people and- and I'm not sure who to trust, you know?" this comes from not only working in a foreign country, but also after what Momo did to her. It's only natural for her to be cautious with those around her. "And there's a lot piling up for the job so I'll need to be working with more people and... I don't know— it's stupid— I'll get over it."

"Hey, it's not stupid." I cup her cheek to face me and plant a kiss on top of her button nose. She looks at me with uncertainty. "It's really amazing of you to come all the way here for a new life. Really, you're so brave." she scrunches up her nose at this. "It's hard, I'm sure, but imagine all the great things you'll do once you overcome this. Just be yourself, Lis, everyone will love you."

"I love you, Jennie Kim." she suddenly whispers. "I love having you here."

"Heyyy!" she starts tickling me.

"I love seeing you wearing my clothes,"

"That tickles!"

"and sleeping in my bed,"

"Liliii!"

"and waking up next to you,"

"Okay, okay!"

"and I love loving you like this everyday!"

We find ourselves laughing in fits on the floor. She hovers on top of me with the cheekiest grin. I tuck her hair behind her ears and bring her face to mine, captivating her lips sweetly. I inhale a breath from her as we're still panting from the tickles, but I think I'll always find myself breathless as long as its Lisa.

It was turning into a heated kiss, but before I could slip her top off, her phone rang with her mother's call. "Mom's been excited to get to know you more." she says shyly.

I answer the call first.

•••

Who, I thought.

On this ungodly hour, be blasting my phone for what feels like the thirtieth time.

Lisa groans in annoyance and slams her pillow over her head to block out the irritating ringtone. I want to do the same. It's loud and annoying and won't fucking stop.

Instead, I huff out of bed. I steal a layer of the blankets to shelter my nakedness from the chilly air and stomp out to the living room, forcing my wobbling legs to save us from insanity.

I find my screen illuminating in the darkness and I snatch it from the table. I'm too jaded to work out who it is, so I just answer it to rid of the noise. "What?"

"Oh— Kim Jennie?" It's a woman.

"Yes, this— this is Jennie— wh-who is this?" I rub my tired eyes to adjust in the moonlight. The world clears up just enough for me to read the contact. "M-Ms. Yoong?" owner of the bakery three stores down from work, who I actually envy for living in her own hole-in-the-wall shop. I do a double take to see its three in the morning.

"Yes, yes, I'm glad I still have your number saved." she confirms. I'm about to apologize for missing her calls, but she topples over me. "Thank goodness, you picked up right away." which doesn't make sense, because the phone was ringing on and— "Jennie, dear, there's been a break in at your café."

The café?

"Who is it?" Lisa appears from her room as she pulls a shirt on.

"I heard glass breaking and when I checked outside—"

My café?

"Baby?"

"Oh, dear, you should hurry and come."

"Jennie, what's wrong?"

The café, I want to say.

"Hey, talk to me."

Though, I can't because I need to hurry and— I shove Lisa's clothes at her and scramble to get dressed myself. My head is spinning and the world is clear but moving so slow, too fucking slow— I need to go.

"Who was that?"

It doesn't matter because the café!, it's itching out of my throat, but it comes out jumbled and I just can't—

"Was it Kai?" She snatches my phone from me and I don't stop her from searching it because her pants are still unbuttoned so I zip her up myself. "Who owns this number, Jennie?" its a dozen missed calls from that unknown contact she shoves at my face, but it's nothing but numbers to me because my warm cozy bookstore café— Uncle's— our secret spot—Coffee Pages—

I'm out the door and running there as fast as I can. Sprinting through the bitter air that gives sharp bites at my skin because I realize I forgot to grab a coat before bursting out the door.

"Jennie!"

Lisa's trying to get my attention, but she's tumbling over her words and I'm not sure what she's really trying to say. I don't turn to see if she's keeping up because Ms. Yoong told me to hurry. If it weren't for the persistent rings before hers, I would have slept on. It very well could have been Kai's calls because as his plan didn't work out, I was sleeping back in Lisa's bed. It could have been him those dozen times yelling at me to get up and answer the phone on the next ring because I wouldn't know about the café otherwise. And I really wish that it didn't have to be him who woke me to hear such stomach-churning words from a woman I've only met a few times worrying about my life's commitment.

I slam my feet on the icey grounds to pick up more speed. A few more turns and I'll make it in a minute or two. And I beg my numbing legs to not stop running and my burning lungs to keep from collapsing because I'm just so near.

I wasn't raised religious, but I'm praying— I'm praying hard that it's just not Coffee Pages.

"J-Jen!"

That it wasn't the front glass of the bookstore that was shattered, "Please." and that the books are still on their shelves,

"Jennie, wait!"

and that the storage room is still locked with the safe box still inside, "Oh, god, please." because I'm calculating the rest of my career in zeros and I'll be in debt for the rest of my life if the café was really—

"Jennie?"

— broken into.

It's like a punch to the stomach. Or maybe a thousand cuts to my skin— maybe I'm just too cold and the air is freezing my lungs.

It's shattered.

All of the store's front glass is scattered in broken pieces with ripped pages and books on the hard wooden floors.

Maybe it's something shredding me up from the inside.

"Jennie, be careful." Lisa tries to stop me as I walk on the shards, but I head straight for the storage room. Like the chairs and tables and the Christmas tree, my stomach flips upside down at the sight.

I reach the storage room and "Oh, thank god." it's still locked.

The lack of air flowing in me has me stumbling back and gripping on to the counter to keep myself on my trembling legs. My chest burns and my throat is going dry and my limbs feel numb because it's just too cold in here when it shouldn't be, so I stagger around the counter to blast the heater because it shouldn't be this cold in my café and I nearly slip because it's dark and it's messy and beans are spilled across the floors and the mugs and the plates are—

On the floor.

I choke on my breath.

Lisa bends over by the wall where the shelves should be, but they aren't, "No..." because they're on the floor and

"Jennie..." my mother's favorite clumpy house plate is broken in half, held delicately in Lisa's hands.

I kneel over the rest.

The white clouds and the sun, the ocean waves, the lucky clover, and the purple tulip. "No, no, no..." I hold them in my own hands because maybe I could find a way to put them back together to the way I made them,

"Hey—"

Because these are my mother's and they should be on the shelves for people to know that.

"L-Let go—" of them Lisa. "I can fix it."

"Just, wait a second."

"S-Stop." I try to tear her hands away from the pieces because I'm scared they might crack even more.

"Nini."

I pick them all up and hold them securely.

"Jennie."

I run my hands on the floor because I don't want to miss a single piece and it's dark and tears are springing to my eyes.

"Jennie."

I don't want to drop anything.

"Baby—"

"What?!"

It rips out of me. It rips through the air and echoes in the empty space.

I can barely see her expression through my tearful eyes but she shifts her gaze to my hands. "You're bleeding." she says. Only then, I feel the blood seeping from my palm and the painful burn of the slit. I must have been clutching on to one of the sharp edges too tightly. "Wait." Lisa goes out of my sight.

I put down the broken pottery because the blood will stain them.

I look around the café and it's just everything my uncle, Wendy, and I worked so hard for torn apart— it's so torn apart that it's all unrecognizable. The amount it would take to repair and replace this business would go up to a couple million and I don't have a couple million and not even the safe box in the storage room could ease me.

Lisa comes back with a damp cloth and wraps it around my bleeding hand. "L-Lisa, the plates..." I'm stopped by the sobs that come out of me.

"I know, baby."

"Ah— stop." I wince when she presses on the wound too hard. I yank away from her.

"Jennie, please, let me stop the bleeding."

It hurts too much and this is all just too much.

"Everything is— it's broken and ruined and oh, god—"

"Jennie, breathe."

"It's all gone, Lisa." It's unbearable. It's so hard to admit. I have to pry it out of my mouth and it still barely comes out. "I don't have enough to fix this."

Not enough to save the coffee beans or the torn books on the floor. To savor the warmth everyone finds comfort in, like Rosie especially said. To reserve this as our secret spot and to give purpose to the unwritten rules. To turn it back to the way it was when Lisa first walked in. Just not enough to protect the last memory of my Uncle's life and I'm just so so sorry because "It's all gone.".

Lisa pulls her coat over me, but I've already long lost all feeling to the cold and pain. "Baby..." She holds the towel to the wound again and pulls me close. So close, that it seems I'm crying to her heart.

Or maybe it's bawling, or wailing.

There are those hundred thousand pounds of water crushing me.

I guess it's grief.