58 ~ What We Choose to Hide

Secrets were only kept through the right people

Phil's POV:

     "Thanks..." I muttered and wiped the snow from my face. Sirius Black had not been able to resist rubbing snow into my face whilst we waited for Peter to disable the Whomping Willow.          "Oh, always a pleasure," the dark-haired boy replied dryly.     Remus and James looked at him. The bespectacled boy seemed amused, and Remus slightly as well, because his main emotion was exhaustion and everything the full moon brought with it.     "I won't forgive you for yesterday."          "The few snowballs?" I asked teasingly and received a very murderous look.     "The few snowballs?" he mimicked, "As if I'd laugh!"          "I laughed," I said calmly and Peter transformed back into a human.     "Stop before you start shouting at each other," Remus clarified. His gaze fell on me, then on his friend.          "Fine, Phil will see what consequences her stupid game with Lestrange will have," Sirius declared.      I merely shrugged my shoulders.

I expected nothing else either. Naturally the boys would get their revenge soon enough.

     "But tell me this," James began, "Didn't it take ages to bury that many snowballs?"          "It was alright," I answered his question and we entered the secret passage, "Elizabeth multiplied them with spells and I buried them. It was perfectly fine."     "I will never consider it normal that you call Lestrange by her first name." Sirius shuddered.     I rolled my eyes. To this day I did not understand the problem between the two, though at least the boys seemed to have understood that Elizabeth was not evil to the core, even if Sirius certainly still expected sinister ulterior motives from her. Ever since the argument, however, they left me alone with the topic.     After Sirius' words silence settled between us. Later we walked through the Shrieking Shack. It looked as it always did, though the layer of dust might have grown thicker. Many old footprints belonging to us could be seen on the floor. Now new ones were added.     The wooden floorboards creaked and parts of the shack were eerie.     "This door used not to open," Remus explained when we left the shack. I looked towards the door, then at Remus and raised an eyebrow.     "We only opened it once I stopped locking myself in, so that we could get into the Forbidden Forest and be even further away from Hogwarts, or rather I could."     Towards the end his voice sounded emotionless and I could only press my lips together, because Remus Lupin was speaking the truth. As a werewolf he was not allowed anywhere near Hogsmeade and Hogwarts.     I found it astonishing anyway that he wandered through the forest relatively calmly with his friends as animals. Equally, the fact that the others were unregistered Animagi was something else entirely, even if Dumbledore seemed to know about it, or at least suspect it.

I wonder how many secrets he knows? An immense amount, I assumed, because the Marauders and I alone possessed many.

     I thought no further about it, because we stepped out of the Shrieking Shack. Outside we trudged through the snow, always towards the forest.     With the Marauders I left the castle earlier than I did alone during the holidays. Generally I would simply head into the nearby forest, but naturally Remus could not do that. That was why I accompanied the boys and we completed the rest of the way in silence.     My breath left my throat in little clouds, but I was not cold because we walked quite a distance. Tomorrow was Monday and it was astonishing how much the boys were there for Remus, because they too would get little sleep tonight.          "Right then, our paths part here," I raised my voice once we were far enough away from Hogsmeade.     The boys stood opposite me. I had thought Sirius would follow me, but he did not. Apparently I once again had the privilege of being alone in the forest during the full moon, which I gladly accepted.     Consequently I nodded, after which my gaze met Remus' one last time. I looked into his green eyes, but eventually turned away and walked into the depths of the Forbidden Forest. There I transformed and nothing happened that night.

     Currently I was looking into Remus' eyes again. In that moment the night of the full moon was only a memory, at least for me. The boy in the bed beside mine could remember nothing.     We were in the Hospital Wing and only the light of the stars streamed through the windows into the room. Madame Pomfrey had also lit a candle in one corner, though the firelight did not reach the beds at the back.     "What are you thinking about?" I asked quietly. I lay sideways in bed, my head directly beneath the pillow. I could not sleep.

I should have drunk Pomfrey's potion after all.

     But I had not done so, because after today's full moon I had not felt entirely awful. Through the encounter with my father I had learnt that I did not obey the full moon, but also held power over it. Today I had delayed my transformation and strangely enough that seemed good for my body. Why, only my father could answer, and I did not want to see him anymore.          "I'm thinking about how many times I've lain here already," came Remus' quiet reply.     I looked towards his bed and for a brief moment our ears heard only our breathing. The room was grey, with the white bed sheets standing out against it.          "I assume you know the feeling," the boy continued, "A feeling that reminds you after every full moon of reality. Of what one is, what one always will be..."     For a short moment it fell silent. I felt it too, that feeling inside me.          "Despair," I whispered, "it makes you want to cry."     After my words Remus looked at me for the first time and nodded. He seemed to understand, because often enough I had cried after the full moon and could do so now as well; the despair never disappeared.

A curse for which no cure exists...

     That despair could only be concealed, as in this moment. With Remus I did not feel alone, even if internally I felt like utter shit. He was like me.          "Do you hate yourself too?" he asked curiously. I heard pain in his voice.     "Not because I am the way I am. More because of what I've done. But what I hate most is this despair, that I can do absolutely nothing against it." After speaking, I sat up slightly, because sleep was hopeless anyway. For a while I looked out of the window, then I asked: "Do you hate yourself then?"     I looked over my shoulder and his shrug was answer enough; he was unsure, though leaned towards yes.     "Nobody should hate themselves." consequently I did something I normally would never have done. I pushed the blanket off my body and left my bed. For a moment a shiver ran up my spine when my bare feet touched the stone floor, though I did not walk on it for long.          "What is this going to be, Phil?"     "Keeping you company," my voice answered and I sat down on the bed in front of him. Remus sat up and made room for me, eyeing me in confusion.          "You're already keeping me company just by being here."     He was right, because I was not often in the Hospital Wing. Ever since the first encounter with my father, however, I had been here more frequently.

I enjoy Remus' presence.

     That only became clear to me now, because right from the beginning I had felt comfortable around him. He had always been there for me and had tried to take care of me; often I had not allowed it. Yet Remus' mere presence or his asking after my wellbeing had made a great difference, and at this moment he was dejected.     "I know I can keep you company over there as well, in my bed," I admitted and looked at him, "but I want to cheer you up."          "Cheer me up?"     "Yeah, erm," I said brilliantly, "I have to admit that I don't know how it works..."     I had never learnt such things. Granted, I knew that one ought to reassure another person, but in reality it was clearly much harder. It was like an invisible barrier in my head that stopped me from acting like a compassionate person. I had not learnt how to comfort others because as a child I had rarely been comforted myself.

Life is hard, accept it.

     That was how my mother had always spoken to me, but in that moment the thought of her felt wrong. I was sitting opposite Remus after all and strangely enough I was completely calm. It was a different situation, being close to him after the full moon, than during normal everyday life. Yes, it made no sense, but that was simply how my mind worked.          "What?" I asked, because he had raised an eyebrow.     A smile could be found on his lips, after which I continued speaking: "I know, cheering someone up doesn't work like this..." I mumbled and bit at my lower lip, "Do I need to come closer?"     I shuffled nearer to Remus until I sat beside his hip, which caused him to laugh. A laugh I had not expected, because I believed Remus had never laughed after a full moon before.          "Did I do something wrong?" I asked quietly.     He stopped laughing and looked at me. "No, sorry, I shouldn't have laughed," he said quickly, "It was just, erm, that you were adorably desperate."

So cute?

     "Thanks...? Isn't this too close for company...?" I voiced, because I was still myself and remained clueless about many things.          "Not at all," Remus replied quickly, "It's just that nobody has ever tried to cheer me up like this before, though that doesn't mean anything bad, rather the opposite."     I let out a relieved breath, but Remus continued my keeping-him-company.          "It's not too close because there is no too close, or at least not for you, Phil," he explained calmly and pulled me into a hug. Briefly I was surprised, although his words had hinted at it. I was glad as well, because I would never have dared hug him on my own, even if my mind and heart had told me to.     I enjoyed the moment and returned his embrace, which did not last long enough to become awkward, although I myself felt slightly strange anyway. It was not a bad strange, more a good one that I did not understand. Around Remus I felt comfortable.     I remained sitting with him for a while longer. We spoke together for a long time until exhaustion eventually claimed victory in the end.

Remus' POV:

     In the morning I woke because something beside me moved. That something was Phil. Though it could not be morning, seeing as we had talked far into the dark early hours yesterday.     I opened my eyes and stared at the bright, vaulted ceiling. Even in the Hospital Wing one could tell that Hogwarts was a mighty castle, something I often forgot.     I rubbed over my face. I still felt tired, although I had woken on my own. It was connected to the full moon, because my body ached. It still felt the transformation. Even my bones protested. After all these years, however, I had grown used to the feeling. At least I handled it better than I had as a child.     I thought no further about it, because my attention belonged to the girl beside me. Phil lay to my left and her head was directly beneath the pillow, something I had noticed several times already whenever she slept in the Hospital Wing.     Yesterday she had not gone back to her own bed, and I could not remember falling asleep. When Phil had come over to me yesterday, I had found it incredibly sweet, because for the first time I had seen her try to respond to somebody else.

She has simply had to go through far too much in her short life.

     Even I often did not know how to cheer others up. Yesterday I had not specifically been down, or at least not differently than usual, yet Phil seemed to have done something right, because afterwards I had felt better and had even laughed.     I thought it was nice that Phil was developing, though she did not need to cheer me up. Hopefully she did not see it as having to give me something back because I always asked how she was doing. That was not what I wanted.     I enjoyed her presence and was glad that we got along well again, although we only truly understood each other now. Phil's inner wall seemed to be opening slowly, and I was glad she appeared to be doing well, even if I had to endure whatever pranks came with it, which I gladly returned.

Phil and Lestrange will soon learn the consequences of their actions.

     With that thought I studied the sleeping girl and felt satisfaction at the fact she would soon experience a prank herself. A grin stole onto my lips, though not only because of that, because I was happy Phil was with me.     She slept peacefully, yet I decided to wake her. Not because Madame Pomfrey would see us in one bed, because she certainly already had during her morning rounds. I woke Phil because it was already after midday and perhaps also because I did not know how to deal with a sleeping Phil beside me.     Consequently I touched her shoulder, though astonishingly nothing happened. Phil was usually very jumpy, yet she seemed to sleep deeply. Naturally I could not know that Lily had often dragged her out of bed already.     "It's already afternoon, Phil." this time I tapped against her shoulder, which earned me a murmur in response that amused me, "You should wake up. Madame Pomfrey will probably bring food soon."          "Mhm, but I don't want to..." came sleepily, "Not hungry..." and I accepted that statement, because I had no appetite either.     "Still," I said, "Though I didn't know you were a late sleeper."          "I'm not. I just need more hours of sleep than that," she replied, though she sat up and looked around the Hospital Wing sleepily.     Phil blinked towards the row of windows, then yawned and at the same time put some distance between us. She pulled her legs up and tiredly rested her chin upon her knees. It looked as though she would fall asleep again, though Madame Pomfrey seemed to have heard our voices and came over with potions.      So it was an almost completely normal beginning after a night of the full moon.

     I had been right, because it had already been early afternoon when we woke. We spent the rest of the day in the Hospital Wing. By the rest of the day, one should understand the next two hours. Madame Pomfrey had brought us a little food. Phil had slid to the other side of my bed and was currently eating a muffin, though in a very interesting manner. She picked the chocolate pieces out of it and we talked about nothing in particular when the doors to the Hospital Wing opened.          "Sooo?" suddenly came from the corner.     Phil startled, because Padfoot had a loud voice. James, Sirius and Peter entered the Hospital Wing and seemed to want to collect me, as always.     "Enjoying being lazy?" Sirius continued and sat down on the bed that belonged to Phil, then his gaze wandered between the two of us. It was a piercing look.          "Resting," Phil corrected.     Prongs and Wormtail joined Padfoot.     "You look very exhausted," Sirius mocked, though not maliciously, because Phil looked interesting with her muffin and drawn-up legs.          "Ha, ha."     "We were even nice enough today to take notes for you, Phil," James said and blue eyes rested on him, "Which the girls already did for you."     James studied Phil curiously. I, however, furrowed my brow, because I did not know what the boys were getting at. Prongs continued speaking: "I've noticed it for quite a while now, but especially these last three months, because you've almost always been in class after the full moon."          "The girls know I'm a werewolf, that's why," Phil suddenly said.     Sirius seemed to choke on his own spit.

Please what?

     "What?!" Padfoot shouted.          "They've known the entire time already. The main reason why I'm not in the Hospital Wing after the full moon is to avoid drawing attention to Remus, not to keep my secret from the girls."     "They all know?" I asked now and could not imagine why Phil had told them. Yet she seemed to think differently than I did in this regard.          "I would've told even more people."     "Please what?!" Prongs also seemed unable to believe his ears.          "Today I know it was stupid," Phil quickly explained, "but it made many things easier. When I came to Hogwarts in Fourth Year, I didn't think. I didn't care what I was. Dumbledore even offered me the chance to take my mother's surname, though I alone wanted to come to Hogwarts as an Aquila. I would do that differently now as well. In the dormitory, however, meaning on my first night with the girls, they asked me about my surname and I was stupid enough to tell them. Nothing about full werewolves and why I can't do magic, just normal things. I honestly have to say that at that point I didn't care. I probably would've told the entire school too, because I hadn't planned on staying here. I wanted to run away at the next full moon. But I stayed, up until today. My friends have always supported me and kept my secret, and because they were there for me like that, I think that's one of the reasons why I stayed at Hogwarts."     "Why did you never tell us?"          "Our agreement was one secret for another. You know everything about me, I know about you. What I do with my secret is my business. You think you're the only ones who know my secret, the girls think the same. Nobody would ever say anything in the other's presence. They've kept it to themselves for over two years, which is enough proof for me that they'll do the same for the next year and a half."     "Why only a year and a half?"          "I don't care what they do with it after Hogwarts," Phil explained, "Maybe after Hogwarts I'll go to the Ministry and report myself. I'll tell them everything about my father and my nature; Ethan Aquila has to be stopped. I've spoken a lot with Dumbledore and he has good acquaintances in the Ministry who are already working on my father's case. Naturally I can only do it after Hogwarts."     After her words it fell silent. I did not know what to think.

She is brave, though foolish in the beginning as well.

     Those were my main emotions, because I would never dare hand myself over to the Ministry, even if their werewolf registry ought to be well protected. Still, few werewolves registered themselves, as my father had advised me himself, and he worked at the Ministry. All it would take was one wrong person gaining access to the registry and it would all be over.     What Phil planned was brave, because she wanted her father caught and the danger of her nature made known. And the other Marauders now seemed more shocked by what Phil intended to do than by the fact the girls knew she was a werewolf.     "You know that could ruin your entire life?" Padfoot asked, who knew much about the wizarding world and at the same time could understand hatred towards one's own family.     "I know," the redhead replied, "but objectively I could cause all of you immense harm here and now, at any moment. I don't know whether I can only turn people into werewolves during the full moon, but I think it works all the time. Just imagine that danger..."      Phil looked at her hands. "My life is partly ruined already, but don't misunderstand, it's my decision. I also possess an immense amount of money. I won't need to search for work on the job market. The wizarding world has to learn about my father's atrocities."     After those words the others nodded and so did I. Phil was right, because it was her decision, and the fact she had told the girls as well. Phil also told us that they had all taken it well, apart from Alice, though she trusted Dumbledore. What reassured me, however, was that the girls did not despise Phil because of her nature, because I was like her.     We did not speak much more after that, because we left the Hospital Wing, though I was certain that for the next few months Phil would no longer spend the nights after the full moon in the Hospital Wing, perhaps only come to collect potions from Pomfrey.     This full moon had not been an interesting one, though through Phil's words I understood her better. I had to admit that I found it inspiring how she dealt with being a werewolf. I knew I could never do the same.