23 ~ Everything that Happened

Without change one cannot grow. Without time just as little. Yet without accepting oneself, one can do nothing at all; then one is doomed to fall into the depths.

     At this point I had stood when I had told Dumbledore everything that day in the hospital wing, when I had stopped lying to myself. Yes, the truth hurt, yet it always did. But I only knew pain, so at that time it had made no difference.     The truth had been hidden deep inside me for a long time, yet now it was out. Dumbledore knew what I was, the Marauders knew it as well, yet the others did not. I had never told the girls, probably never would. It was enough that they knew that I was a werewolf.           They did not need to know what my father had done to me. They did not need to know that a sick wizard named Ethan J. Aquila could create full werewolves. Only the Ministry needed to know it and the Aurors who would hunt him.     I did not know whether Dumbledore had told the Ministry, because otherwise he would have to explain that the daughter of this sick wizard was at his school. He would have to explain to the Ministry that a girl walked through the corridors of Hogwarts who could transform into a wolf at any time. How the headmaster had dealt with this information, I therefore did not know. I had not asked him either.

I do not want to know the truth.

     After the day in the hospital wing I had explained to the girls that I had wandered through the castle and the grounds. I had told them that everything had become too much for me, nothing more.     It was not necessarily a lie when one only withheld a part of the truth, and that was exactly what I had done. At least I had other people with whom I could speak about the truth.     In the time after the hospital wing I had spent more time with the Marauders, although only with Remus. Just as the girls had not left my side since that day, so I also had not been able to get Remus away from me anymore, at least when he had been with me in the library.     Nevertheless we spent much time talking. We spoke before the full moon and meanwhile I no longer locked myself in the Shrieking Shack. I could control myself as a wolf and spent the full moons in the Forbidden Forest.          Dumbledore knew nothing about that.     Just as he did not know that the boys and I in the following months persuaded Remus to go into the forest again with them as animals. Together with me, although I did not accompany them. Remus did not like me as a werewolf, and so I avoided them at full moon.

Remus does not have to attack himself anymore.

     Since that decisive day in the Fourth I had tried to be human. Dumbledore had explained to me once again that everything that had happened to me changed nothing about my humanity. I had given him my belief, a little.     Since that day I had tried to find anchors in Hogwarts and partly I had succeeded in that. The girls had told me much about the wizarding world and Hogwarts. I had taken up my lessons with the professors and besides Lily, Remus had explained a great deal to me.     Nevertheless I still felt as if my life had only begun a few years ago. Because of that I did not feel like a child, since my innermost self knew that I suppressed memories from my childhood for a certain reason; to protect myself.     However I did not try to remember more torment. At Hogwarts I began a new start and before I realised it, the fourth year for the others was over. They had gone home for the summer holidays, and as Dumbledore had promised me, I had remained at Hogwarts. Besides his other duties he had often been with me. I had of course had to continue learning and take small examinations. I had also explored the castle, spoken with many ghosts and house-elves.     The strangest thing had been sleeping alone in a dormitory, yet I was grateful to Dumbledore that he had not put me into an orphanage for the summer months. I had been allowed to remain at Hogwarts.

My first true home.

     I had spent all my time exclusively in the library or in the greenhouse. I had also spent my time at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, researching many magical creatures.     The summer months had passed quickly and Dumbledore had urged me to focus on the subjects in which I wanted to attempt my O.W.L.s. I had naturally specialised in Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures, Potions and Charms. In subjects like Divination, History of Magic, Ancient Runes and much more I had not been able to keep up.     Dumbledore had made an exception for me, because never before had a girl come to Hogwarts only in the fourth year. I had focused on these four subjects, in addition to Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts. In Transfiguration, however, things did not look promising, nor in Defence Against the Dark Arts, although there my abilities could almost be compared with those in Charms.     Quickly I, but also Dumbledore, noticed that I performed better in all subjects in which no wand was required. Luckily for me Dumbledore had told me that in the wizarding world I could at least do a few occupations with the subjects Herbology, Care of Magical Creatures and Potions.     Fortunately I had a small fortune in the bank, and since werewolves were not recognised in the wizarding world, I would have difficulty finding a profession anyway.     In the present, however, I did not think much about such a future, since I was still in Hogwarts.

Nothing else matters.

     At present I was in the library with Lily. It was the fifth year for the others, which was slowly drawing to an end. Only next year would I attend normal lessons and Lily was currently trying to explain Transfiguration to me. Yes, she was trying.          "I will not understand it!", I complained.     I threw my wand away from me, because the apple absolutely refused to change its colour. With a clatter the wand landed behind Lily and I let my head fall onto the tabletop. My forehead touched the hard wood.          "What is a witch who cannot do magic?", I asked and had arrived at my favourite topic. I was a failure at magic.     In the past year almost nothing had changed. That Dumbledore speculated that my magical abilities were connected to my nature as a full werewolf, I ignored in that moment.      The wise wizard, but also Professor McGonagall speculated about my nature, and with which Transfiguration spells my father had achieved such a thing, and consequently had passed it on to his daughter.     McGonagall speculated about a connection with a spell similar to the Animagus spell as well as the fact of a reduction of magical power. She had scribbled many strange symbols onto the board when she had explained it to me, yet as I had already mentioned; I did not understand Transfiguration.

I am a complete failure...

     For this reason I had not understood what McGonagall had explained to me either. I had only understood that I could not access a large part of my magical power, because it was continuously needed for a possible transformation into a werewolf.     At least that explained why in my human state I could perceive many things better than others. McGonagall also speculated that I could access my magical power differently, for example to improve my hearing, my eyesight, or even be fast and strong for a short time.     Everything that emphasised why my father had been so obsessed with creating full werewolves, who in their human state were already better than normal humans.           However, whether the reduced magical power had been intentional, McGonagall did not know. My father, Ethan J. Aquila, must have been a strong and intelligent wizard to create something in this direction. Dumbledore had confirmed that through old school records.     My father had been an excellent student, even if as a Gryffindor he had carried a dark side within himself, and unfortunately he seemed to have been more talented than Professor McGonagall. Since I, however, was absolutely not talented in Transfiguration, I only understood that I was simply a bad witch.

As I said, I can do nothing...

     "You simply have to practise, Phil", Lily's calming voice sounded, my wand suddenly lay on the table again. "All of us had to learn magic. You have only been here a little more than a year. No master has fallen from the sky yet."     Towards the end I drew my eyebrows together, because Lily often used strange metaphors. Whether it was because I did not know them, or because they were Muggle sayings, I did not know.          "And?", I asked, looked up, sat upright properly. I crossed my arms in front of my chest. My mood was at its lowest point. "After one year were you already able to change the colour of an apple?", Lily's look was answer enough, "I should be able to do much more than what I can do. I have had individual lessons the whole time and you always help me. Remus as well. I am simply bad..."     "Then Transfiguration simply is not your strength."I looked into her green eyes. She smiled at me encouragingly, even though I should actually have been the one to encourage the Gryffindor.          "Let us leave Transfiguration, then I will simply fail my O.W.L.s", I said then. "How is it going with Sev?"     Lily became quiet. She also leaned back in her chair.     For a while she stared at the wooden tabletop, afterwards she said: "He keeps trying to apologise to me because he called me Mudblood, but I do not believe him. I asked him whether he still wants to join the Death Eaters, and he did not say anything, but did not deny it either", she explained, "I do not know, maybe time will still bring something, but it looks as if our friendship is over. But I do not want to talk about it. Let us go, if you do not want to study anymore?"          I nodded, afterwards Lily grabbed her wand and pointed it at the apple.     "Diffindo", she said clearly.     The apple split in the middle. Lily grabbed one half, then nodded towards the other. After a grimace on my part, since Lily's spell had worked, I reached for the piece of apple and secretly ate it. Eating in the library was of course forbidden, and so we stuffed the apple into ourselves. Although we were sitting at the very back, we could never know when the librarian made one of her rounds.     "I want to take these books with me", Lily said, stacked three books.     Everyone in the fifth year had their O.W.L.s this year, and although not everywhere study stress had broken out yet, Lily was already studying. I knew, however, that she would certainly pass everywhere with distinction, since she was an intelligent witch. I admired her for her abilities, yet I did not want to think about something that I could not do. In the past months I had tried to bring my self-hatred under control, and at least I could already accept myself a little.

However it will still be a long path.

     My appearance had improved a little. My hair had been cut last year. Now it reached down to my chest, yet most of the time I wore it in a bun when studying. I was no longer underweight either, but I was still thin. At least the girls no longer worried about me and my body also seemed to recover.     Three months ago I had even gotten my so-called monthly bleeding, during which I had had half a panic attack in the morning. Of course nobody had told me that something like that existed, and the girls had explained it to me.     I should be happy that my body was doing so well that it decided to do exactly that, yet I was absolutely not pleased.     Therefore I banished these thoughts and packed my things into my shoulder bag. Looking out of the window of the library, I could tell that it was afternoon. Lily seemed to have the same thought.     "We could go meet the others? Dorcas should be finished with Quidditch training. Alice and Mare are watching her today."          I nodded.

     Shortly afterwards we left the library, made our way to the Quidditch pitch. We strolled through the corridors of Hogwarts, until we stepped outside and the playing field came into view.      It was a beautiful spring day, but the sky was cloudy and the sun sparkled through now and then. At least it was warm enough, which was why Lily took off her cloak. I kept mine on, pulled it even tighter around me, when a light wind met us head-on.     I walked beside Lily, watched my feet while walking. I had never been talkative, yet Lily had grown used to my silence since last year. I did not feel the need to speak constantly, which was connected to the fact that I had never done so.     My thoughts became unimportant; when we reached the Quidditch pitch, Alice and Mare came towards us. They came down the steps from the stands, greeted us. But the calm did not last long, because soon a beaming Dorcas came running across the field from the changing rooms.

     "Uh, did you see how I caught the Quaffle in a diving roll and sent it into the left ring?", she asked in a squeaky voice.     "Was impossible to miss!", confirmed Mare and Dorcas shook her head with a broad grin. She had tied her brown hair into a braid, though strands had come loose, and she was sweaty, which Alice pointed out.     "You need to go shower!", she blurted out, when Dorcas pulled her close with one arm around her shoulder. Dorcas let go of her and unabashedly smelled under her armpit.     "Whoa, yeah, you're right, Alice!", she laughed, "a tough training session requires sacrifices."     After these words Dorcas' gaze fell on Lily. Grinning, she continued: "But since we're already talking about sacrifices, Lily, and Phil too, you missed the best part! Potter got a Bludger to the face, and from Black!"     She began to laugh loudly and the others joined in. Lily shook her head in amusement, because she still could not stand James. The fact that he had been looking at her too intensely for the past half year had been noticed by the rest of us as well. Lily was absolutely not a fan of the thought that James Potter might like her.

Disgusting, according to her.

     "Did James get hurt?", I asked as the only one and the others stopped their laughter.          "Phil, he, better it, yes, it. It is still called Potter", Dorcas said.Mare sighed: "We don't understand anyway how you can be nice to the glorious Marauders. One might almost think that you like them."     "Liking is exaggerated!", I defended myself, "Just because I don't hate them doesn't automatically mean I like them."     The girls knew that I occasionally spoke with Remus. I sometimes saw the others from his group. I had not spoken much with them. But since they had already helped me twice and were the only ones who knew my secret - even that I had lived with the wolves in the forest -, had seen me at my most vulnerable point, I treated them kindly. The fact that they were still annoying and that I found Sirius and James exhausting was logical.     From time to time I saw them at full moon, but since they knew that I was a full werewolf, that I therefore kept my consciousness during a transformation, we went separate ways at full moon. I moved away from them in my wolf form, they drove Remus in the other direction. Through this tactic Remus and I no longer encountered each other.     Still, I knew that my secret was safe with them. I would guard theirs forever as well.     One secret against another.

     A lot has changed in the last year, I thought, while I observed the girls.     After the day in the hospital wing it had taken months until I became less fearful. I had no longer fled into the forest, instead I had often explored the castle at night, when everything had become too much for me.          It had taken until summer before I had hesitantly begun to process the last years of my life.     During this time I had spoken a lot with Dumbledore, because we still met, even if only to chat. He remained a support for me to this day.

     "But since we're already talking about Potter", Lily hissed and her green eyes flashed towards the changing rooms.     My gaze followed hers. I spotted Jam-, Potter and Black, who came out of the cabin, with Potter in perfect health. Meanwhile the others of their kind came from the stands and Remus was jumped on by Black, which he did not like. Black also looked ridiculous, the way he jumped onto Remus' back, if one could call it jumping, since Remus did not seem to stop growing. Last summer he had grown, but the boys all seemed to grow taller in general. At sixteen they were of course more grown-up than in fourth year.     Many girls had noticed that and to everyone's dismay also Potter and Black personally. Alice and Mare constantly spoke about crazy, hormone-driven teenagers and maybe they were right. I, on the other hand, apart from the fact that all the boys in fifth year were slowly becoming adults, saw no greater differences. They were still annoying. Nothing more was important.

Nothing more is important to me.

     "Please, let's go before they notice us", Lily begged.We started moving, too late, because the smell of masculinity caught up with us, at least Mare muttered those words.          "Well, you beauties!", a voice called.     It reminded me again why I only liked Remus among them. He was like me and much more. That his friends were loyal souls did not interest me at this moment. Lily did not care either, because she pretended not to hear Black and kept walking.     We followed, but shortly afterwards the boys finally caught up. They walked our path with us, mixed into our group, with Lily and Dorcas being confronted with Black and Potter and Remus joining Peter with me, Alice and Mare.     I looked to the right, spotted Remus, who walked beside me and looked ahead towards his friends. One could have thought now that he wanted to apologise for his friends, but the slight grin on his lips betrayed him far too clearly as a Marauder. That was the dangerous thing about Remus, because with him one could quickly forget that he did not wear a halo.     It could be seen clearly in his grin, rather smirk on his lips and the sparkle in his green eyes. They were a rich green, with a brown pattern, and his hair fell slightly onto his forehead. Because of the spring temperatures Remus wore grey trousers and a normal shirt. Calmly he walked beside me. But when he noticed my gaze, he turned towards me. Our gazes met briefly, yet I turned mine away again immediately.

Yes, I have already been at Hogwarts for a year, have grown inside, but I still have a long way ahead of me.     People still made me uneasy and I often needed my peace. I avoided intense eye contact.          After I had bitten into my cheek, I took my gaze away from my feet, looked ahead again.

     "Dorcas I wouldn't describe as pretty today", Potter was just saying jokingly.          "You're annoying!", Lily snapped at the two of them.     "Now, now, now", Potter said, looked closely at Lily. It was that strange look, yet he quickly continued: "We're only keeping you company. I wouldn't describe that as annoying."     "Company no one asked for!", Dorcas snapped.     "You looked at us when we came out of the changing rooms!", Black defended himself.     "So now every glance is an invitation for you to lie in wait for us?", Mare countered now, who walked beside Alice. The black-haired girl had raised an eyebrow, yet Black simply nodded.     "Of course!", he confirmed.          A collective sigh went through the ranks of the girls.     "Ugh, you're so unbearable that the thought of you makes boils grow!"     "And yet none of you has boils right now", Remus spoke beside me unexpectedly.     Lily's head jerked backwards towards him. She had not expected that he would tease as well, and the other two of his kind apparently had not either. Remus' grin grew briefly wider, yet he forced himself to keep a normal expression.

Yes, he is dangerous, I told you so.Better said, the girls had warned me about him the whole time.

     "Yes, where are your boils then?", Black picked up the topic and looked at Lily and Dorcas expectantly.     "They are in places you don't want to see, Black!", the brown-haired girl snapped, yet gave Black an opportunity for a comeback.          "Oh, I think I'd quite like to see those places."     "Wahhhhhh!", Lily screamed, so loudly that everyone present flinched, "You ANNOY and are DISGUSTING!!!", her head took on the colour of her hair, "You are STUPID, ARROGANT and UNSTOPPABLE!!!"     Before Lily exploded completely, Dorcas dragged her into a corridor inside the castle, which we had just reached. The boys fortunately stayed behind, and while the others calmed Lily, who was already tense enough because of the matter with Snape, the Marauders laughed behind us.     With one last glance over my shoulder I noticed that Remus, like Peter, could not suppress a small laugh either. Yes, the Marauders had plenty up their sleeves, which would only get worse in the next two years.